the last couple of months have been relatively brilliant. i went back to america for a visit and was thoroughly delighted with all things 'memory.' it was amazing to see everyone and everything that i remember and to investigate things anew that have been created withouth my prior consultation.
it was just generally so nice to feel like i connected. that is what that trip was about, to find where i needed to go and do something about it. it made me realise that america, cheyenne, is NOT my home anymore. england, derby is my home and i would never trade that for anything. the life i have created for myself here is so special and has made me flourish as a human being and the thought of leaving any of that behind is just incredibly upsetting.
going back to cheyenne also made me realise how much i care about my sister and how close we really are. we have a tremendous amount in common and all the things that i had initially fretted over regarding her and me going back were swept away in a flash when she looked at me like i was a real person and not just some zombie. i feel like in the time that i have been in england i have morphed into this reasonably responsible and mildly respectable person who my sister likes to spend time with. i have always been envious of people who had close relationships with their siblings and hated them secretly because my sisters and i were never close. i realise now that it is possible for us to be and that is so special. i have experienced this closeness with my sister and i would never take that back for anything.
coming back home... it was exciting and frightening all at once. i went to america with the sole purpose of finding myself again and i DID! i found myself in a huge way. as soon as i stepped into our front door i realised that i am not the person i have been acting like the last several months... i am the person i always have been and i need to retrieve that so i can be REALLY happy again.
and that is just what i have been doing. husband and i went through a bit of an insane phase once we returned, trying to decide what we were going to do to make something of our lives.... our options were completely open and we were willing to try anything. we contemplated dropping everything here and moving down with his dad and just starting a whole new life... being completely self-sufficient and uplifting all of our lives. our minds spun around things like that over and over for a week and it all became clear... we want a baby!
in light of our new revelation, husband and i are preparing... well, it is more about me preparing and him watching with an active opinion from the side-lines. it is very exciting and a whole new world of things to prance about and plan for. i have been packing clothes aside that would be suitable for maternity, making lists of people who have had babies recently who we could get baby things from at a cheaper price than our souls and just generally swooning over photos of pregnancy.
all in all, the world is delightful at the moment. we shall see what happens... i will keep you posted.
