Wednesday, 22 July 2009

you make me feel

depression is far more than the feeling of being fed up and miserable that everyone experiences. we feel useless, desperate, guilty, hopeless, unable to think properly, do the things you usually do. we may lose interest, feel exhausted but also restless, agitated, irritable, burst into tears for no apparent reason. we may also lose our appetite, lose weight, have difficulty sleeping, wake up much earlier than usual, lose all interest in sex. we may find it difficult, if not impossible to do the ordinary things of everyday life: work, look after ourselves, see friends. the future looks bleak and we may believe that there is little point in going on, seeing death as the only way out of the awfulness.
i hate how accurate this is... it is from an informative leaflet from a manic depression website. i hate that these are all the things i feel. i hate it for so many reasons, but mostly because it just feels like it is getting worse. like i have no way out and that i have nobody that would help me out even if i did want out of this stupid hole. i feel so unbelieveably alone... i don't have any idea what to do. i haven't seen or heard from my friends in a long time, bar hannah, who has really been lovely.

i feel like a big, fat burden on everyone i come into contact with, like i am just ruining all of their lives simply by existing. i feel so small and broken and alone. i hate it.

the doctor has changed my medication and is referring me for CBT, but i just want to be better now. i am sick of husband not understanding and people avoiding me because they don't understand. i just want to be better so people can start liking me again.

people keep saying, 'oh, come over to mine!' but i just can't and i don't know how to tell them without making them think i am just useless. i am terrified to leave the house. i... eh.



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