Tuesday, 13 July 2010
i HATE things and things...
In the spirit of Hate Week I have decided to toss the usual musings about the things I love into the bin to discuss the more heated and exciting topic of what I hate. Over the years, since I started the “I Heart Things and Things” project, people have always asked me if I would ever start collecting lists from people of things they hate. My answer has always been a stern “No.”
I don’t like hating; I don’t like it when people allow themselves to be consumed by negativity… the aim of my project was to create a space where I could compile all the things that people love. This would be to help people to remember what good things they have in their lives, but also to allow them to see that sometimes the things they are scared of admitting they love are not as embarrassing/offensive/illegal as they would expect.
But despite that, I feel it is important to let off some steam, so please see my list of things I hate... the only one you'll ever see, I reckon:
The way I cried just then… one of my favourite porters just came into the office to deliver our morning post. I’ve not really been too vocal about my leaving to anyone outside of my department, but Dom is always so lovely and charming, I thought he might like to know… I mean, the time is drawing so near now… I’ve only got 41 days left at work. I told him and his little face dropped. He made small-talk about why I was going and where I would be living and as he was walking out he said, “well, we’ll miss you in the Portering Department… you’ll let us buy you a pint, won’t before you leave, won’t you?” sigh. I love the porters. We’ve developed a fairly special relationship which really makes the days go by faster. I hate that I’ve now started this stupid habit of crying randomly because of the fact that I’m leaving. I hate that just then, after Dom stepped out of the office I couldn’t help but squeeze a little tear out. Stupid emotions.
When Pow cries… one of the things I hate most right now is when my Pow cries… I hate it when his little chin starts to waiver… when his lower lip pops out just ever-so-slightly. I hate it because just as I see his eyes go all misty I completely forget what to say to make him feel better… I just immediately want to hug him until he stops. When he cries I lose myself… I don’t understand it. It happened last night, we were sat on the sofa, we had just shut the telly off after a moviedate and he looked different. I asked him what was up and his eyes went sad and the corners of his mouth turned-down. I grabbed his arm as his chin started to quiver. Just as that happened my mind went blank… I completely forgot any joke I could make or any reason I could offer for him to smile. I just wanted to immediately hold him. I wanted to wrestle him down and hug him until he stopped hurting. I never, ever want him to hurt. I want him to feel good and see himself like I do… but he can’t. He’s got this block in his mind that stops him from just being okay. Why can’t I do more to make him feel better? What more can I do? I know it’s not my job, but nobody likes to see someone their so close to’s little face buried in a towel so their tears can’t be seen… nobody wants to have to sit by and watch as they refuse to let anyone in… i hate his stupid tears.
Dry scotch eggs… I believe myself to be a bit of a scotch egg connoisseur, so when I come across a particularly crap one I tend to throw a massive tantrum… if I’m outside whilst the offensive consumption is occurring, I will NOT hesitate to aggressively throw the snack on the ground in a huff, occasionally stamping on it to make sure it’s good and gone. I HATE dry scotch eggs.
Not being with Janey more often… how does one go through their days without their same-sex soulmate? I hate that janey lives so far away and I only get to see her every few weeks. I wish we had spent more time together before now… I wish we both had the time and the money to spend more time together right this instant. She’s my favourite and being away from her sometimes actually physically hurts.
When people take ages to respond… there is actually nothing in the entire world that I hate more than when people are slow to respond. If someone asks ME a question, it’s answered immediately, no matter what’s going on. I have to be in the throes of death for me to take longer than five minutes to respond to people… most of the things I want responses to won’t take more than like, five minutes, so what’s the hold up?!
When people say they’ll do something and they don’t
Not being with Muffin right now… literal, actual pain is what being away from him is. Pain for many reasons, the obvious and also the ones I don’t reckon I’ll go into her or ever, to be honest. I HATE all the things swimming around in my stupid head at the moment. I just want to be there now so I can see how it’s gonna work out and get on with my life. I’m sick of waiting to find out what my future holds… roll on forty-four days!
Noisy Negros… whilst this may SOUND racist, it most certainly is not. I just HATE it when you get that sassy, horrible little breed of female Negro youth who finds it necessary to stomp around as loudly as possible in their stupid boots with their stupid skinny jeans and stupid tiny tops. I hate that they tend to have that ridiculous south London accent that makes me want to die, the one that means they sound extra-retarded and sassy. i guess I kinda secretly hate it because I wish I was allowed the means to be even sassier than I already am, so I am slightly jealous…
The lack of sleep
Questioning myself… urgh urgh urgh! Danie is questioning everything all the time at the moment. Honestly, it’s making me want to die. I have never spent so much time second-guessing most of the things I do. It’s really quite horrible and making me feel all tense.
Crap zombie films
When makeup is done poorly in a film
Feeling patronized or belittled
How sore my joints get occasionally
When my fingernails are brittle
The fact that I didn’t do any laundry on the weekend despite the lovely weather
The fact that I just got a paper cut JUST after typing it
When other people are right
When a documentary you expected to be good was really crap
The size of the Earth
Really hot weather
When my favourite pen runs out of ink