Tuesday, 12 April 2011

day 02 - where you'd like to be in ten years

never in my life have i been so unsure of my future.

before, when i was married to christopher, i could easily tell you how cushy-soft our future was. we would be together, we would have babies, a guinea pig farm and our house would be filled with mechanical bits, wool and music. i would be working for the NHS and he'd be working in some job that allowed him to flourish with his passions for technology and guitars. we'd have the same friends and always most likely live in derby.

our life together was so easily predictable and comfortable that i never had to worry where we'd end up and what we'd be doing. i always knew that he'd obsess about the bills and money enough that we'd never have a month of not eating and we'd forever have the routines that we had set forth to fall back on to make our weeks manageable and easy to glide through for longer than ten years.

now, though... i just don't know. i don't know if it's because there are NO real routine set up yet, or because we just don't know what the hell will be happening even in the next five months, let alone year or ten years; but everything in our life together, and my life alone is so very fluid currently that i can't actually feel confident about setting down roots or a completely stable house yet. even in the last year, i've not been able to stick to specific plans due to our lives, histories and his work.

that's the biggest thing. i've no idea what our future holds, mostly because i literally can't even begin to guess what the Army will do with us. so much of our future will be dictated by what happens with his work. if he stays in. if his duty station changes. if he moves jobs. everything in our existence is dictated by the "ifs" of the military and that kinda scares me.

like, i can muse about what our future will look like and what we will do, but all i know is that today and for the last several weeks, i have been feeling significantly more like this, him and me, it's for realsies and he is someone i can see myself actually building and enjoying a future with.

that was what i was missing before... when i was with Christopher, i had the ability to see our future, but i could never see myself actually enjoying being with him... being satisfied with what we had built together. short-term, it was nice because i was in england, we traveled a lot and we had a lot of cool collections, but what do all of those things build for the future? it would have been nice aesthetically and on an instant-gratification level, but beyond that, i wonder how satisfied we would have been?

with Muffin though, i can see myself laughing for years with him. i can see me still being happy to make all his favourite meals and helping him mix songs long into our wrinkly ages. i can see us finally creating all the memories that we always planned on with relish and complete wonderment.

i can see us eventually working towards having a baby, which will be a huge, gigantic feat that will take a lot of resources and emotional toll, but be completely worth it.

i can see us buying a house one day, maybe on a beach... maybe not. wherever it is, we will decorate it and care for it together, as a couple, to make it a warm and special place for both of us.

i can see us traveling. going back to england and visiting all the foreign places we've always dreamed of. collecting amazing artifacts and eating foods that challenge him and thrill me .

i can see us happy. that's the biggest thing i can see... bigger than anything else. we will make it through everything we need to because we are solid and care for one another huge amounts. we will watch over and support each other with tender hands and loving gazes... be that in america, in the army, with a kid, with pets, with little food or with a giant mortgage under our belts. we will do whatever it takes to be happy with the us that we've been striving for for so long.

so, in answer to that question, in ten years, i'd like to be happy. i'd like to be happy and with Muffin, building our forever in whatever place or financial state our life together takes us... everything else will just be icing on the cake.


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