Sometimes Silence is Better than Bullshit...

Today marked thirty-four days since we handed Molly (Muffin's daughter) off to her mother in a relatively public place.

What a fucking unnecessarily hard day THAT was.

In preparation for the day, I had planned to take Muffin straight from the chosen place of exchange to the local two-dollar cinema to see Evil Dead again, that way, in my thinking, he would be able to cry if he needed to, shrouded in the darkness of the cinema. the offer was taken up and so we left the house on Tuesday morning, the back seat completely full of all the new clothes, toys, books and other kid stuff that Molly had acquired during her visit. Her face was still wet with tears shed as we left the house and she said goodbye to Sebass. She fell apart and just wanted us both to hold her. She switched between the two of us for a long while before we HAD to leave for fear of showing up late to the scheduled trade-off.

My decision that preparation was needed came after a long night prior to her leaving. As with every single child in the world, when those dreaded words, "alright, it's bedtime!" are uttered, she immediately had to find SOMETHING to attempt to distract us from our goal of getting her into her bed and that chosen something was tears. She threw herself onto our bed and sobbed about how much she was going to miss us. I am fairly resilient when it comes to a child's tears but you wanna know what I'm NOT resilient to? Muffin's tears. Seeing his eyeballs get all moist whilst his daughter clutched him crying broke me. I immediately felt a sharp pain in my heart that didn't leave for days. I could see how much it was going to destroy him to have her leave in the morning and how much he just wanted to hold her until he couldn't anymore. One has no idea how much their mama bear rage will flare up until they see one of their loved ones weep and then shit gets serious. It was then that I decided I was going to make sure he saw Molly as often as possible. I was going to fight and persevere with all my step-mum might (which, can I say, isn't much, given that every single thing that has ever gone wrong with Molly is all my fault, apparently).

The day we did the swap I hand-served some court documents to Muffin's ex-wife. Some very serious documents (she decided to just move states without offering Muffin the court ordered sixty-days written notice prior to moving, which essentially boils down to just plain old negligence) that at the time I was really quite torn about serving her. I felt for her. I understood how much stress she must be under and really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I respected her and tried so hard to understand her, always reaching out and talking to her in an attempt to de-escalate and generate an amicable and healthy relationship not for her, not for me, not even for Muffin, but for Molly.

But despite all good intentions do you know what doesn't help? When the person you're trying to feel for is a sociopath wrapped-up in a special, not-at-all-accurate super-mummy package. We tried, guys. We tried to help her so that we didn't have to take her to court. We contacted her at least once a week to ask her if she had turned the paperwork in yet, not to be patronizing, but because we know that sometimes, in a move, people can get jumbled and forget what was or wasn't done. I cheerfully chatted with her about her upcoming move, asked if there was anything I could do to help and if she had sent in the documents. Each and every single time her response was that she hadn't done it yet, but she would do it later in the week. It never happened, so court was our only option. Do you not see that we tried guys?! Do you not see that we gave her countless attempts to make it right?! We're not Satan, right?

No, not right.  Within forty minutes of dropping Molly with her she called Muffin. Called and begged. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? (because you need to obey the law) THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!  (because it's apparently the court's fault and they have it out for her, which, can I just say,  if the courts, schools, doctors and dentists apparently all have it out for you I'd recommend you reevaluate your life) YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP MY FAMILY APART! (well what about Muffin's family? He's been ripped from his child for six years, which nobody's seemed to have any problem with) WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! (STOP BREAKING THE LAW!) I'VE NEVER TAKEN YOU TO COURT AND I COULD HAVE! DO YOU REMEMBER THIS AND THIS AND BLAH,BLAH, BLAH..." Her entire tirade was made worse with the sounds of Molly's crying in the background, which is a nice touch, by the way. It's always super-appropriate to have your nine-year-old child listening to all the hateful things you're saying to her daddy. SUPER HEALTHY!

It was an hour of crazy. She cried, begged, pleaded and made sure she regularly moved closer to Molly to make sure Muffin could hear her crying, It was a disgusting thing to have to listen to. How can a parent feel justified in using their child as a weapon like that? It blows my mind that someone feels it is appropriate to wield their child around like a ton of bricks as a means to making people feel bad.

Can I just please go onto a side tangent again about how hard it is to be a step-parent? I am so tired of dealing with the levels of crazy that I am forced to. I have been nothing but cordial and kind to her with nothing but bullshit and horror in return. She has moments when she's not crazy, but those are few and far between. You know what, though? Those moments are fabulous. She's hilarious, really kind and dedicated to her children and I respect her for that. I have so many emails from her that are kind and friendly and seemed to be from someone I could like. Her emails told me that she respected me also and hoped that me being in Muffin's life would help him to be more responsible and have more of a presence in his children's lives. They wished me well and told me she appreciated me being around to be concerned for Molly and help Muffin, but now that things are actually changing she feels it's appropriate to fabricate whatever she feels like to make me out to be the bad guy. I've not changed, but it seems as though all the well-wishing that she had originally bestowed upon me was bullshit and that sucks. It sucks because she is raising her daughter with those morals. She's raising her daughter to be kind to someone until she stops getting what she wants, at which time it becomes entirely appropriate to start lying, backstabbing and blackmailing. It's sad and it makes me worried for Molly's future.

Anyways. Back to the alienation of Muffin directly in front of his daughter. THAT was fun.

Since then though, silence.

She got a lawyer at the very last moment, effectively pushing the court date back two weeks, which really only suits us to accumulate more information and maybe even find ourselves one of these fancy lawyers we've been hearing so much about. We're not concerned, she fucked up and is now going to have to suffer the consequences. I just wish that she could pull her head out for one hot minute to see that we're not Satan, we're not trying to take Molly from her and we're not even trying to shine her in a bad light. We just want for her to uphold the rules just as we have. Is that so much to ask? I just wish she would open her eyes and see that we're not being unreasonable or spiteful... Muffin only wants to be a part of his daughter's life. Something that her mum seems to be fighting tooth and nail to stop from happening.

I really wish her well, but more than anything, I wish, if she can't figure it out on her own, that she would just listen to her lawyer and stop being silly for just a moment. Long enough to take a breath, see what's really happening and make this less difficult.

a filler-inner, or my descent into sadness...

so, things have been wild.

i'm sitting here, right now, laptop overheating, eyes tired and feet wanting to fall off after a crazy-busy night at school.

several months ago, in December, i realized i had hit a really horrible place in my life.

i had run into a brick wall that knocked me down and completely debilitated me. i was initially knocked down probably in June last year... maybe July. the brick wall came in the form of Muffin, money, our apartment and work (or the lack of it, i guess.) i wasn't working, we had a new puppy, money was tight and Muffin and i were constantly fighting.

since the brick wall incident, there was a horrible decline for me and for my relationship with Muffin, hence my virtual invisibility. despite all good intentions, i had just lost the will to do pretty much anything. i'd stopped crafting, reading, writing, tidying and caring about anything. it seems like the instant i hit this wall i got a horrible case of amnesia and lost all the tools i needed to do the things i was used to doing every day. despite all good intentions i just could never, ever bring myself to get anything done. i have countless receipts for balls of yarn, tubes of glitter, coloured pencils and scrapbooking stuff who's corresponding purchases have just been pushed completely to the wayside in lieu of my fabulous descent into sadness... yes, we'll call this my descent into sadness.

as a result of the little, silly side roads that have been taken on this road trip i call life, i've become slightly jaded and quite hardened and mistrusting of most things and last year saw the culmination of my horrible attitude shifts. i'd become volatile and rather unpleasant to live with and Muffin had had his fill, which was the initial brick wall that began my destruction. details aren't necessary, but just know that we nearly split up and i completely fell apart. it was a slow rebuild where i said i'd change but decided in my head that i didn't need to change and that Muffin would come to his senses and realize he was wrong and everything would be fine.
three times this happened and with each pass the arguments became increasingly volatile and exhausting. each pass destroyed me a little more and took longer to rebuild after... the deciding one was in December and seemed as though it might have been our last had it not been for me finally deciding that my backhanded decision not to actually work on things wasn't working (surprise, surprise).

directly in the middle of the very special argument we were having something clicked in my head and i made the decision to ACTUALLY change. i made the decision to drop every single issue i had and move forward. i made the decision to trust entirely and love with my whole heart and with no exceptions.

i described my new decision to Muffin and sheepishly explained why he should trust me and what a fucking asshole i had been, expecting him to make all the changes and taking no blame. despite him being dubious about my intentions, we resigned to work on things again... we resigned and things really did begin to look up. school was going relatively well, finances weren't horrible (they could have been better, and i imagine i would have appreciated the minor struggle then had i known then what i know now) and the dog was
shaping-up to be a very well-behaved angel.

by the middle of January our work was interrupted by a collection of events that neither of us could have expected. events that may or may not have strengthened our relationship (we've not decided yet)... events in the shape of both of our prospective schools, MORE financial bullshit, puppies, household chores and his ex-wife. all of the events have been relatively manageable except for the last one.

please, let me elaborate...

firstly, let me tell you that if you are ever given the option to marry someone who has children with another woman, take a long, LONG time to think about where your life is going to go and how strong  you are within yourself, because i can tell you that no matter how strong you think you are, you really aren't. the will that it takes to be a step-mother is something otherworldly and i have never in my life felt so challenged, demeaned, disrespected or undervalued.

i don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it (which, i realize just makes me seem SUPER vague, but really, i just firstly, don't want to take up ALL YOUR TIME and this story in particular would... i also just don't feel it's appropriate to divulge the intricacies of the situation in such a candid manner), but a broad nutshell version of events since January essentially looks like a deliberately violated court order, a series of explosive conversations, two court dates, five emergency room visits, two sets of casts, an outrageous cancer scare and a new court order stating Molly is now to visit us for a month this summer... all of which is apparently my fault, or so i've heard.

do you have any idea how terrifically stressful it is to have EVERYTHING blamed on you? to have someone say that everything was perfectly fine until you came along? to suddenly be cut off of contact from your step-child because of something you've done despite having absolutely no idea what you've done? no? then become a step-parent, because then you will be given the rare and magical opportunity to experience all of these things and THEN some.

imagine living in a world where all you want to do is what you think is right (the right thing in THIS situation, to my thinking is helping your significant other create a better and more healthy relationship with their child.)
now pat yourself on the back to having found this post, because i can tell you that it doesn't work. no matter what you THINK is the right thing, the kid is not yours and therefore everything that you do is wrong. every word you say, every facial expression you make, every pin you post in Pinterest... EVERYTHING is wrong. literally, i've been trying to do the "right" thing for the last year with just the tiniest, most stumbly, horrible baby-steps in the world. i've been really resilient, strong and the best i can for Muffin... not forcing his hand, but helping him to make decisions with well-rounded information, a hand to hold and a stand of solidarity. i've tried to take a backseat as best as i could whilst being sure that i draw his attention to any points of interest on the way.

now, if whilst equipped with the information Muffin decides to do something entirely of his own volition, that is not MY fault, correct? apparently not.

instead, i've been left to feel like a bad guy for being a supportive wife and a step-mother who is actually thinking about the welfare, parental relationships and upbringing of the children in her life.

you want to know what the worst thing is? for a step-mother, Mother's Day is the worst day in the world. there is NO recognition and nobody gives a shit about you. National Step-Mother's Day is this coming Sunday and i am fairly certain that not a single fuck with be given by anybody. it hurts, you know? to be putting so  much effort and love into something and having no visible reaction or appreciation for it...

in any event, as of right now, we are eleven days away from Molly arriving for a month and we've been preparing with excited vigilance. we've been tidying, picking out bedding, planning activities and trying to keep a clear line of communication going between the households to make the visit as safe and comfortable as possible for everyone involved. we're really taking this as a huge step forward and hoping that this will become a regular occurrence as, it seems Muffin is really ready to take a positive stand in the lives of all of his children which makes me oh-so-happy and i think is a really huge thing for him and will benefit his children in he long run.

i personally can't WAIT for her to get here and have been planning special activities to do with her since the day we found out about the visit. i plan to teach her to crochet, do some baking with her, read, scrapbook and glitter ALL THE THINGS. it's so exciting and i really hope that she has fun.

child stuff aside, school's been the next rung on my crazy as fuck ladder. i've been embroiled in some bullshit
high school crap that has pretty much made me want to die and NEARLY convinced me to leave school.

apparently i've been "bullying" and "micro-managing" one of my classmates... i only found out about this after being held back after class one night (and can i say, i'm almost fucking thirty years old and in college, i shouldn't have to be kept back after class for ANYTHING. i should be able to go home at nine thirty at night and lie on the couch with a glass of wine (COLA) and a book (THE SIMS 3); not stay after class for a telling-off from the teacher) a few weeks ago to be told that someone had gone to the fucking dean of the department about my "micro-managing" and "bullying." further investigation helped me to discover that in reality, the jackass that went to the dean was actually the spineless BOYFRIEND of the girl who's life i've been "ruining." immediately, i went to the teacher's office and asked for a meeting with the girl who refuses to meet with me like the bullshit, spineless coward she is.

fuck. her.

how DARE she and her boyfriend take my name to the DEAN when i have done NOTHING but treat her with kindness. i don't need that shit.

so i've just buckled-down in class. i've stopped giving a fuck about anybody else in class and decided to focus on my work and not try to forge meaningful relationships for future networking, which is highly unacceptable when the career path i've chosen is entirely driven by networking and communication... how
can i justify that though when i have to live in fear of what fucking idiot i might offend by being myself?

bullshit aside, school's been really great. i'm awesome and really enjoying learning every single thing there is for me to learn about hair. i completely adore hair and can't get enough of working with it. Muffin's hair hasn't stayed the same for longer than two weeks since my second quarter started at school and my hair... well, that's a whole different story. it's in a wild transitional period that we aren't even discussing. i keep cutting and colouring it and it's still trying to decide what it wants to do with it's life. it'll be a long process because every single time i find a colour i like, i put it on my hair and then immediately find ANOTHER colour i like... it's a mess and is kind of ruining my hair's life.

in other news, can we PLEASE take note of a discovery from the other evening? i was looking at my statistics for my blog and i found this little gem telling me that there was a particular search that brought someone to my blog...



can i initially ask why, if you were looking up THAT phrase, would you then feel MY blog was going to have the answers to whatever issue you're having? i have no idea and have been chewing on that question for a while now with no fathomable answer.

right. i think it's time for bed. i've got to try and get to a dentist in the morning because i have a fabulous chunk of tooth fall out of my mouth during a Frito's snack-fest the other day and whilst it didn't INITIALLY hurt, it hurts like a mo-fo' now and i kinda want to die, so wish me luck, as i can see a big chunk of money going to THAT in the morning.

have a fabulous day and i promise i'll pull my life together and keep this updated more often.

quickly, QUICKLY this Tuesday

alright, it's late, i SHOULD be doing my homework (that's what Muffin THINKS i'm doing right now, boy will he be surprised when he reads this and sees that he's been staying up all this time thinking he's being a supportive husband, solidly waiting to go to bed until i'm done with the homework i've put off until the night before it's due... and here i am, doing a blog. but hey, it's Tuesday and i've not posted one in a little while)
so here's a list, quickly, so's i can get this homework done...

Chesapeake Bay cookies
Mama (the film, GO WATCH IT!!)
kettle corn
doing foils
fountain Pepsi
Family Guy
Portland
having purple and pink hairs again
math
painting
tortilla crisps
dark chocolate
DJANGO UNCHAINED
Miss Justeen
F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
That 1 Guy
Cory Mcabee
writing letters
curly fries
Simpsons Tapped Out
sassy black women
organizing paperwork
getting Sebass new toys
late-night chats with Janey
shaved Sebass
Pandora

urgh, i need to get this homework done. have a fabulous week.

02/04/2013

it has been SUCH a stressful few weeks and i can't even believe how little i've been able to do to just relax and regroup myself. my life has been moving at a wild pace and i'm exhausted and slightly ready to just die and not do anything for a while.

let's do this Tuesday now so i can go to bed though.

also, i know i say this a lot, but i really, REALLY do have like five blogs in the pipelines... i've been working on them for ages and just haven't had the energy or time to sit and finish them. i've been on a major block with my writing and just need to pull it together.

anyways, let's get to this list...

arugula
when directors film a scene through a mirror in the room
huge, burly men in tiny sweaters
strawberry lemonade... i literally can't even believe how much strawberry lemonade i have consumed in the last few weeks. it is all i want to drink and i've actually come to be quite the strawberry lemonade snob and get pretty sassy about sub-par strawberry lemonades.
iced coffee
learning about hair colouring
when Muffin talks about something he's really passionate about... he gets a really, REALLY excited look on his face, he lights up and he gets a tiny bit of a squeak in his voice. it's adorable and makes me glee every single time.
covers of songs in foreign languages
oxidized copper
Tacoma IRS... when we first found out that we needed to travel downtown to retrieve our tax transcripts for the last two years, i was mortified. i had only heard terrible things about the IRS and the thought of driving into town, paying to park and then waiting in line for god knows how long made me want to kill myself. i pranced into the office with my Nook in hand, prepared for a long wait only to find the staff amazingly helpful and efficient. we were only in the office for about two minutes before walking out with our tax transcripts for the last two years in hand. we've now been there three times (with ANOTHER visit scheduled for tomorrow morning) and have been pleasantly delighted every single time. i love them.
when a burger bun is toasted
fountain Pepsi
fruit bowls
Muffin talking to Molly again... there's been a lot of hooplah going on recently and Muffin has been having trouble being able to talk to his daughter, so now that we're back on a reasonably consistent schedule (well, two weeks... we'll see), it makes  me happy. he loves her so much and they both deserve to be allowed to build a relationship with each other without people interfering... it's nice.
when the shadows of clouds fall on a field
Tacoma landfill... it seems that all the places in Tacoma that SHOULDN'T be fabulous really are. first the IRS and now the landfill?! Muffin and i pranced to the landfill this last weekend to offload our stupid old sofa to make room for our new sofa, expecting to find a typical landfill setting, seagulls hovering over mountains of horrible-smelling trash... nope. not in Tacoma. they have a GIANT warehouse that is in a constant state of organization that has designated areas, depending on what you're dumping... it's fully enclosed and has a massive group of workers filtering everything out into organized mini-warehouses, depending on the type of rubbish. literally, it was amazing and i wouldn't shut up about it for at least two days after. it was fabulous.
Muffin driving trucks... he looked SO MANLY and wonderful. i wanted to just pounce him!
Mollyvisit... so, things have taken a glorious turn for the better when, at court the other day, the judge ordered that Molly be able to come visit us for TWO MONTHS this summer, starting the day after she gets out of school!! this is particularly delightful because Muffin hasn't seen his little lady literally, for nearly a year-and-a-half. it'll be so much fun and really be a great time for the two of them to learn about one another and build a great relationship.  if anyone has any suggestions about activities to do with a little lady or how to be a step-mum without being pushy, please feel free to leave them here. i'd love it.
new sofa

right, i've got homework to do and a bed to sleep in. i'll try to get some stuff posted soon.

be well and thanks for reading.

March 2013...

things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• learning as much as possible about family law and court proceedings
• soup
• CHICKEN AND WAFFLES CRISPS
• Go On
• fruity chewing gum
• The Simpsons Tapped Out

things that are consuming my life right now:

• hair colouring... i literally can't learn enough about colouring hair! we started a couple of weeks ago and i've been enjoying every single little part of it. i am madly in love with knowing all it is possible for me to know about the chemistry of hair. i'm also really loving learning more healthy ways to take care of hair whilst colouring it. i am feeling so much more confident about my future in hair. it makes my future feel so much more exciting and positive and i can't wait until we start the next chapter of all of this.
• having my nails done... it makes me feel really girly and fabulous and i have spent literal HOURS on Pinterest looking at amazing nail varnish techniques and have, over the last week, been trying new things with my own. it's been so fun and has really helped me hone my painting and artsy-fartsy skills. it's been fun!
• sorting out my physical fitness… STILL! i've been putting a lot of effort into making myself more healthy and fabulous and i'm really starting to feel a lot better about myself. i've lost seventeen pounds so far and i feel really great.
• finding the PERFECT set of bedding... so, we got a new mattress because our old one bit the dust in a horrible way. it's literally the best mattress in the world and because we decided to get a new one, we also decided that as adults we've earned the right to sleep on a gigantic king-sized wonderland. since we got the new mattress though, we've totally had to rearrange our lives with regards to bedding. we've been going to countless places trying to find the perfect duvet and sheets that are soft enough for me and manly-looking enough for him. it's been tough. right now, we're living with our old Queen duvet, battling one another all night long for ownership of warmth for the night. i'm feeling confident though, soon.

a few good things that happened last month:

• i found out i'm going to be getting an Associate's degree instead of just a Certificate!
• THE NEW MATTRESS!
• Muffing switched his degree AND will be graduating the same time as me

i am also all about this photo:

because i am WILDLY proud of all these up-dos. they re SO beautiful and i'm really proud of myself.
last but not least… here’s a quote.

tuesday (original, i know)

good GOD it's been a long day! school's been overwhelmingly busy but amazing. i'm exhausted, so i need  to get this out and go to sleepies. here!
arugula... PHWOAR! i can't get enough of arugula! i had some the other day covered in wholegrain mustard dressing. i nearly died.
salt and vinegar crisps
not being on Facebook for the time being... Muffin and i are taking a break at the moment due to some personal issues going on in our life. it's been about five or six days now and it's been really actually quite nice. there's no constant distraction or need to incessantly check up with the meaningless updates and stuff. i mean, don't get me wrong, i've missed it, but it's really nice.
cherry cola
fresh copies
maths
flat irons... i'd literally never touched a pair of flat irons in my life prior to today. initially, i was a little horrified about using them, but i found myself really at home with them and did a lot of fabulous work on my mannequin today.
Full House
woodgrain
fruit punch
fine chocolates
losing weight... TEN POUNDS GUYS!
Seven Psychopaths
angler fish
catching up with friends... Sarah moved away a couple of months ago and i finally got to hace a proper chat with her last night to catch up on all the shit that's been going on since she's left. it was so great chatting with her. i've missed her so much.
Susan Sarandon
working with black hair... i've decided that i pretty much don't want to do anything else if i can help it. i want to work with black hair pretty much constantly since this week. it's so much different and easier to work with!
Super Bowl adverts
french dip
sweet white wine

AAAAAND sleepytime, i am so tired i can't believe it. have an excellent week.

February 2013...

things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Archer (season 4)

• dark chocolate and coconut

• my Nook and ALL THE BOOKS I HAVE ON IT!

• having my head tattoo visible again

• pecan maple syrup
• The Following

things that are consuming my life right now:

• learning every single thing i possibly can about styling hair... we are currently learning all aspects of styling in school (pincurls, air forming, curling irons, straightening, etc) and i literally want to do nothing in the world right now but read about styling and forming hair.

• Full House... so, we got cable again and it's pretty much ruined my life. i've discovered that there's a channel that literally shows FOUR episodes of Full House every single weekday ever and i am now completely obsessed with watching every single episode in order. i went through this obsession whilst living in England with Friends as well. i wanted to see EVERY episode in order without exception. i did. and i'm pleased with my life choice. now, i'm stuck again... but it's much more wholesome and delightful.
• sorting out my physical fitness... i've been making very small but also very tangible steps to losing weight. i've been eating MUCH healthier and exercising more than usual, working my way up to a healthier me. i've lost a total of eleven pounds and hopefully will keep shifting the weight for a while more. hopefully.
• teaching Sebass to sit... he seems to be mentally incapable of learning this trick. we had ONE good night where we REALLY thought he had learned it and we were on the road to teaching the world's smartest dog. no. not even slightly. that night, our hopes were raised by consistent sitting and obeying commands and since then, the consistency and obedience has completely gone out the window and he's back to confirming that he is mentally retarded, even if only slightly and i am building masses of resentment about it now. i'm remaining persistent though and shall soldier through to hopefully teaching him how to properly sit. we'll see.
• trying to pull myself together... i've been spending a lot of time recently helping other people put fires out in their lives and completely neglecting my own. i've been slowly falling apart and have no idea what to do about it. i've been helping people make huge decisions, sort out problems, listening and asking "how are you doing today, sweety" SO MUCH recently and haven't really noticed that i've been letting myself completely fall away. i guess i must have thought that if i just focused on everyone else that maybe my own problems would go away, but they haven't... they've just been getting worse, but not in the typical crazy-as-fuck-neurotic way. more in the i-could-fall-apart-at-any-moment way. i just want to weep constantly and hope that every time my mobile buzzes with a notification that it is someone actually giving a shit about how I'M feeling. no such luck yet. just more people wanting more from me. i'm tired and really trying to sort my head out a bit... i just don't know what i'm doing anymore.

i am also all about this photo:

i love it because it is pretty much the funniest photo i have ever taken. Muffin got this book because he's going to be dissecting a cat in his A&P class this quarter and i snagged it for photo time with the puppy.
last but not least... here's a quote.