the last time i saw him was yesterday morning, 29th March at 0708am...
we held one another in the queue together until I wasn’t allowed to be snuggled up to him anymore and then we held one another over the barrier until he was too far up the queue to be able to touch me anymore... even then he left the queue three times to come hold me and kiss me. The final kiss was the best one… I held the left side of his face with my right hand and kissed him as hard as I could. My left arm wrapped as tight around him as possible. I held my breath and memorized every single detail that I could in the seventeen seconds we held the kiss… I memorized the smell, his eyes, his lips, the taste, his hands on me… everything. My mind scrambled in a million difference directions in an effort to commit every single detail possible to memory.
i watched him until he disappeared through the final check-in... i watched the space where i saw him last for a further ten minutes. I’m not sure why I watched the empty space so long... I don’t know if maybe i was hoping he would suddenly come back out and say that he just couldn’t leave me and that he was staying forever...
dave asked me if i wanted to wait there until his plane left... i declined, knowing that if i stayed it would just lead to more crying and i would most likely have to give in to one of those cries that ends in vomiting and i didn't quite feel like being sick.
On the way through the airport i sobbed violently, hating already that i was walking without his hand in mine. feeling immediately like part of me was just gone... like someone had taken a large cutting implement and torn half of my limbs off... it sounds cliché and I’ve never felt anything like it before but it's fucking agony. I actually felt like the best thing to do at that moment is slump in a corner and fall apart… I had no strength to walk or communicate and could barely stay awake by the time we got to Dave’s car. The entire journey home just featured me sobbing in between tiny cat-naps.
Arriving home was horrific… more painful than I thought it would be. More painful than it had been when Chris moved out. Somehow, without the loss of any furniture or the stuff on my shelves or cupboards, my house felt emptier than it ever had… I sat in the dining room with Dave for a short time, recalling that a mere eight hours prior I had been sat there with The Muffin and Pow… I instantly hated the dining room and wanted to be out of there.
After dave left I dragged myself up the stairs and stood at my bedroom door for two minutes before holding my breath and going in… I stepped past the threshold and waited… performed an internal investigation to see what emotions my body was going to throw at me… I meandered around the room, touching everything I could remember him touching, smelling everything I thought might smell like him. I flicked on my PC and stared at it… not really sure what to do. I opened my email and started writing him… within three words I started to cry again.
all i knew how to do at that moment was cry. I sat, slumped in my chair and stared at the photo on my desktop (which changes daily now, to my newest favourite photo of Muffin and Dan); replaying in my head the fake argument we had when he saw I hadn’t changed my desktop photo to one of him within two days of his arrival.
the crying didn't start there, in that chair though... it started two mornings prior when i realized i would only have one more morning watching him... i woke and hated myself for not memorizing every single detail about every single morning he was here. i hate that on that last morning i had the stupid compulsion to get up and start a load of laundry and have a bath instead of staying in bed and committing more of his face to my memory. i hate that i didn't spend more time touching him with my eyes closed so i could have named every single blemish and curve in the event of my going blind... i hate that i didn't plant more kisses on his face and neck... that i didn't spend more time kissing every single inch of his body...
instead of memorizing him i opted to sit in the bath and cry... janey and I have been discussing emo things of late… this comes as a result of some of her own personal crisis… she and I have been joking about all the emo things that she has been doing (one thing being that she wept into a bowl of muesli and then proceeded to eat the muesli and her accompanying tears). After a suitable amount of bathtime crying I stopped and thought to myself how much janey would laugh because I was actually just bathing in my tears.
After my bath I kissed him… I kissed from the big toe on his right foot up his leg, his side, his shoulder, down his right arm and every one of his fingertips. I laid next to him and kissed his face until he couldn’t stay asleep any longer…
The remainder of the morning was spent looking at one another and kissing each other’s faces… I existed between states of weepy and he cuddledattacked me when he noticed I was getting misty in the eyes. We took photos and had some amazing sex before we pranced to the store for things for din dins. The whole day was spent talking… we talked about the future and what we would do… how we were going to work things out and how much we were going to hate being apart… how painful it was going to be.
A nice din din was had with Pow and then we packed his stuff… a little ball developed in my stomach that got harder and harder with every passing minute. I became tense and worried about what my emotional state would develop into. After he finished packing we laid in bed and talked... talked and touched one another’s faces. We tangled our legs up for the last time and kissed until we fell into our last sleep together for at least six months. The sleep lasted two hours before we had to get up…
the journey to the airport was horrific and painful. I kept kissing his face as he snoozed… the remainder of our time together felt numb and like it didn’t happen… something to do with checking-in, getting a coffee, walking to the terminal… all I remember is that I wanted to hold his hand as much as possible and I didn’t kiss him nearly enough.
Fast-forward to the beginning of this post… here I am today… at work… miserable. I feel like I am completely out of juice and ready to lie down for a nap for the next six months. I have never, ever felt anything like this in my life. It’s agony. I never could have prepared myself for what I have been feeling… the only person I can imagine understands is The Muffin, purely because he’s going through it as well…
I got to speak to him this evening which was just what I needed… I miss his voice so much… I miss him so much.
Please enjoy some of my favourite photos from his visit.
we held one another in the queue together until I wasn’t allowed to be snuggled up to him anymore and then we held one another over the barrier until he was too far up the queue to be able to touch me anymore... even then he left the queue three times to come hold me and kiss me. The final kiss was the best one… I held the left side of his face with my right hand and kissed him as hard as I could. My left arm wrapped as tight around him as possible. I held my breath and memorized every single detail that I could in the seventeen seconds we held the kiss… I memorized the smell, his eyes, his lips, the taste, his hands on me… everything. My mind scrambled in a million difference directions in an effort to commit every single detail possible to memory.
i watched him until he disappeared through the final check-in... i watched the space where i saw him last for a further ten minutes. I’m not sure why I watched the empty space so long... I don’t know if maybe i was hoping he would suddenly come back out and say that he just couldn’t leave me and that he was staying forever...
dave asked me if i wanted to wait there until his plane left... i declined, knowing that if i stayed it would just lead to more crying and i would most likely have to give in to one of those cries that ends in vomiting and i didn't quite feel like being sick.
On the way through the airport i sobbed violently, hating already that i was walking without his hand in mine. feeling immediately like part of me was just gone... like someone had taken a large cutting implement and torn half of my limbs off... it sounds cliché and I’ve never felt anything like it before but it's fucking agony. I actually felt like the best thing to do at that moment is slump in a corner and fall apart… I had no strength to walk or communicate and could barely stay awake by the time we got to Dave’s car. The entire journey home just featured me sobbing in between tiny cat-naps.
Arriving home was horrific… more painful than I thought it would be. More painful than it had been when Chris moved out. Somehow, without the loss of any furniture or the stuff on my shelves or cupboards, my house felt emptier than it ever had… I sat in the dining room with Dave for a short time, recalling that a mere eight hours prior I had been sat there with The Muffin and Pow… I instantly hated the dining room and wanted to be out of there.
After dave left I dragged myself up the stairs and stood at my bedroom door for two minutes before holding my breath and going in… I stepped past the threshold and waited… performed an internal investigation to see what emotions my body was going to throw at me… I meandered around the room, touching everything I could remember him touching, smelling everything I thought might smell like him. I flicked on my PC and stared at it… not really sure what to do. I opened my email and started writing him… within three words I started to cry again.
all i knew how to do at that moment was cry. I sat, slumped in my chair and stared at the photo on my desktop (which changes daily now, to my newest favourite photo of Muffin and Dan); replaying in my head the fake argument we had when he saw I hadn’t changed my desktop photo to one of him within two days of his arrival.
the crying didn't start there, in that chair though... it started two mornings prior when i realized i would only have one more morning watching him... i woke and hated myself for not memorizing every single detail about every single morning he was here. i hate that on that last morning i had the stupid compulsion to get up and start a load of laundry and have a bath instead of staying in bed and committing more of his face to my memory. i hate that i didn't spend more time touching him with my eyes closed so i could have named every single blemish and curve in the event of my going blind... i hate that i didn't plant more kisses on his face and neck... that i didn't spend more time kissing every single inch of his body...
instead of memorizing him i opted to sit in the bath and cry... janey and I have been discussing emo things of late… this comes as a result of some of her own personal crisis… she and I have been joking about all the emo things that she has been doing (one thing being that she wept into a bowl of muesli and then proceeded to eat the muesli and her accompanying tears). After a suitable amount of bathtime crying I stopped and thought to myself how much janey would laugh because I was actually just bathing in my tears.
After my bath I kissed him… I kissed from the big toe on his right foot up his leg, his side, his shoulder, down his right arm and every one of his fingertips. I laid next to him and kissed his face until he couldn’t stay asleep any longer…
The remainder of the morning was spent looking at one another and kissing each other’s faces… I existed between states of weepy and he cuddledattacked me when he noticed I was getting misty in the eyes. We took photos and had some amazing sex before we pranced to the store for things for din dins. The whole day was spent talking… we talked about the future and what we would do… how we were going to work things out and how much we were going to hate being apart… how painful it was going to be.
A nice din din was had with Pow and then we packed his stuff… a little ball developed in my stomach that got harder and harder with every passing minute. I became tense and worried about what my emotional state would develop into. After he finished packing we laid in bed and talked... talked and touched one another’s faces. We tangled our legs up for the last time and kissed until we fell into our last sleep together for at least six months. The sleep lasted two hours before we had to get up…
the journey to the airport was horrific and painful. I kept kissing his face as he snoozed… the remainder of our time together felt numb and like it didn’t happen… something to do with checking-in, getting a coffee, walking to the terminal… all I remember is that I wanted to hold his hand as much as possible and I didn’t kiss him nearly enough.
Fast-forward to the beginning of this post… here I am today… at work… miserable. I feel like I am completely out of juice and ready to lie down for a nap for the next six months. I have never, ever felt anything like this in my life. It’s agony. I never could have prepared myself for what I have been feeling… the only person I can imagine understands is The Muffin, purely because he’s going through it as well…
I got to speak to him this evening which was just what I needed… I miss his voice so much… I miss him so much.
Please enjoy some of my favourite photos from his visit.
