Friday, 29 August 2008

you're beautiful... shame about your face. other things too.

i have been full of a lot of horror and bummed-ness the last couple of evenings... despite an amazing series of days which involve work and swimming and generally getting my fucking life in order. ali and i have been really working on making ourselves better people. it has been really refreshing to get a new look on life and things and have someone from outside of my house to talk to.
he has really offered me a lot of support and light and general 'weeeeeeee!' over the last week, which is what i have needed. he and i have been planning a lot of things regarding his work and i have been taking on some artsy crafts for one of his graphic novels, which will be incredible. it has just been nice to have something in my life that is almost exclusively beautiful.

but you know, it doesn't matter how beautiful and splendid my life is, it seems that i just HAVE to have something to shit on it. unfortunately, that something is husband. he is making me want to die at the moment and i fear that this show may be ending its final act. he and i just don't get on anymore. we just fight and he just hates me all the time for everything i do.

i just cannae deal with that. i am really on a mission to destroy all bits of ugly in my life. i really want everything that might resemble negative, horrible filth to just leave me alone. as a result, i have been helping those things out. just getting rid of them. i just don't have it in me to deal with any of it anymore. i hate how unhappy and miserable i have turned out since living in england. i need to fix it and i don't think i will be able to do that whilst here with husband.

jane and theo have been here the last couple of days and despite the high hopes i had for their visit and the positives it would bring... i have just been feeling worse. chris has been treating me really badly and generally taking the pee out of me in front of them, not really regarding anything but his own delight and feelings.

i don't need it. it really hit me last night that i think this is it. i think that once they go we will have a bit of time apart (and by 'apart' i mean, separate rooms) to just sort out our heads... time i will use to start some new medicine, work more on my crochetting project and work out more with ali. i just feel like, at the moment, there is no point in bothering with our relationship. if it works out because of our love for one another then it does, if not... then it was not meant to last. i do not feel like i have control over it anymore. it all just hurts too much.

i feel like an empty shell at the moment. everything i am doing and saying and thinking is just a big mechanical part of a day that i have no control over. i feel irrational, miserable and listless.

i don't really know what to say.


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