tuesday... glass case of emotion

again, it's tuesday... i've been traveling between ill and emo and womby and glee, but a list has been compiled and i'm rather pleased with it. it's been a full week featuring tons of activities and TONS of wedding stuff.

also, Muffin titled this, so blame that on him!


dragonflies
dead animals
presidential addresses... despite how much i love being British, there is nothing i enjoy more than when Mr Obama does an address. i love him so much. he's a wonderful and adorable man and his words really, honestly do offer a huge amount of pride for being American.
when the boys do the scheming on I Love Lucy... those are ALWAYS my favourite episodes, always, without fail.
videos of eye surgery
Korean history... because to be honest, i had no real grip on the history of Korea or the Korean war or anything until i watched an incredible documentary on it last week. mostly, though, i just find that more than anything, watching documentaries about war-torn and dangerous places makes me want to visit them even more.
the way children stomp... and they do. all the time. they get so excited and prancy and i adore that they feel the need to stomp around everywhere they go.
the small of Muffin's back
the Straight Talk macho man advert
Blues Traveler
the way Muffin likes sushi now... this boy, he HATES trying new things, so when i got here with an extreme love for sushi, he felt obligated to at least try it. it's been a slow process, but he's slowly working the flavour into his palate and enjoying it much more often. i like when people expand their food horizons and watching this culinary toddler grow into a man is just wonderfully magical.
the Dreamworks opening
Nick Swardson
my dress... which is magical, btw. i know that i've not posted about it, but i promise i will do, very shortly.
watching Muffin skate
Roy Orbison
hospital food
the sound a lightbulb makes when it dies
being a zombie... it was SUCH a random email that i received last Saturday night... one of the people doing photos at our wedding (who is ALSO a photographer for the Military Times Newspaper) got in touch early in the day to ask us if we might enjoy participating in a photoshoot about the zombie apocalypse. like, DUH! so we went and got some extra makeup and Sunday evening i painted my face only JUST prior to leaving for the docks of Tacoma where we, the zombie horde,  attempted to overrun the American Military. it was an amazing night of groaning and snarling i loved it!
my wedding shoes... and oh, but i glitter the HELL out of one of my favourite pairs of shoes and they look like perhaps i stole them from Dorothy. they're my new favourite things in the world.
my garden... which finally let loose with it's VERY FIRST bloom the other day!! Sunday morning i walked to the porch to find a big, fat, beautiful, yellow lily eyeballing me!
old ferris wheels
blowing raspberries on Muffin's hip... because the sound? it's magical.
Muffin in uniform... PHWOAR!
stage blood
washing my face at night
liquid latex
seagull caws
paninis
cesar's pizza
Christina Applegate
doing zombie makeup
wraught iron
Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition
the difference in people's faces when they've lost a lot of weight

my father's day

sunday was a beautiful day, one i had been planning for weeks.

once Muffin had gone to bed saturday night i stole away to the dining room and pulled out the collection of photos, schoolworks and drawings that i had accumulated from my personal detective work and from his ex-wife (who i've developed a very special and still slightly uneasy bond with, btw. she's wonderful and we've been talking very regularly, which resulted in her sending a cute folder full of Molly's school photos and work for me to give to Muffin on father's day, a folder which i am very, very grateful for.). i hung a collection of photos and letters i'd made and packed all the best bits of everything else into a folder that i laid next to where he sleeps, for him to see upon waking.

once i woke i spent the day trying to avoid thinking... just allowing myself to become enveloped in the absolute bliss that i had created for Muffin... i carefully manufactured the day around him and the fact that he is a dad who gets very little recognition.

he smiled and was so happy. he told me it was the best father's day he'd ever had. he thanked me over and over.

but jesusgod did my heart start hurting towards the end of the day when a careless comment was said... a comment that was not intended to break my heart, but that did just that, so very well.

we were strapping into the car, i was buckling my seatbelt when, as Muffin was musing about what a special day i had arranged for him, he turned to me and said, "just you wait until next mother's day..."

i instantly ached and did my regular sassy thing that resulted in me accidentally saying something rather passive aggressive, unintentionally, that... hm, i don't want to say "hurt," but set him to think... i told him that there's nothing to look forward to because i am not a mother and most likely never will be, especially not within the next eleven months.

on a side note, and to explain my doom-like view of our childrearing future, it's worth stating that i've developed a sense of disregard when it comes to ANY pregnancy/birth/kid-related conversations because the constant struggle we have for keeping our OWN heads afloat doesn't bode well for any future in keeping a tiny muffin's head also afloat alongside us. our financial situation combined with the fact that he CAN'T give me a baby has jaded me and broken that typically always-hopeful outlook i used to have re: babymaking.

i spend the bulk of my days now reflecting on the fact that so many people have babies or children they don't want and i will most likely never have even one. Origami has three... one she never, ever sees and two she sees about once every two years, leaving the gaps in between face-to-face visits without phone calls or letters. one of Muffin's soldiers is pregnant and cares so little about the tiny life inside of her that she tries to "jokingly" offer it to anyone she can, insisting on smoking and ignoring the fact that she is everyday creating parts of a tiny life that she will never love nearly as much as i ever could. i have so much love that i could give... such a huge part of me constantly yearns for a tiny danie. every single thing that i do every day casts me into the same thought pattern of how i would form my habits and hobbies around a child... how i would teach them, how i would hold them, what morals i would attempt to offer them. all these thoughts and what ifs and dreams are nearly always sucked into the black hole that is my reality, that i will most likely never get that chance. i will most likely never have a child of my own that i can raise from a tiny pea-sized thing in my tummy to an adult that i can be proud of.

i then began to cry. as i changed from third to fourth gear, my eyes did that horrible stinging thing and the back of my throat tightened and hurt as a couple of very chubby little tears blazed a trail down the crevice of my nose to my chin. i immediately wished i had my sunglasses on and proceeded to pretend nothing was happening with my face and tried to avoid sniffling at all costs, for the thought of having to go through that conversation was just far too painful... for me, nothing is too hard to discuss, no topic is hidden in the shadows, but this one. i avoid it so carefully that i could easily win a tournament in it, were it made into an official sport.

as we walked into taco bell he persisted. he asked me how i felt about adoption and i tried so hard to just focus on the burrito i was distracting myself with. he asked about what other options there were... options i have researched time and time again, if only to offer myself a sense of what can only result in false hope for me. i told him there was no point in thinking about any reversal of his "snip" as the likelihood of birth defects is increased by forty percent after ten years...

and you know, even if we could one day create a baby of our own, it would never be what we had talked about so many years ago. it would be clinical and only take place after thousands of dollars were spent on fertility treatments and doctor's appointments.

and whilst it was really a wonderful twenty-four hours for him, this father's day only served as a reminder to me that he HAS children that i will never have and that the women he has children with have a special bond with MY future husband that i never, ever will, and that is to be able to create a baby in the most primal and personal ways...

i will never be able to hope one day that the fruit of one of our intimate sessions would result in a tiny version of us, leaving me with a missed period and needing a pregnancy test, because he's eradicated any chance of that. i will never be able to surprise him with the news that i'm pregnant, because doctors will most likely make that announcement to us, in an office, surrounded by diplomas and office supplies. most likely, i will never be able to lose this tiny bit of resentment i have for each of the mothers of his children for being able to do with him what i have always wanted...

just a list, i'm distracted.

White Oleander... the simple beauty that this film is made of is one of the only reasons that i have been able to drag myself into watching it again today, for the first time in nearly ten years. it's a painful film for me. i read the book when i was sixteen and fell completely in love with it in between tears. i'm not completely sure where the tears came from, but a large part of them were born from my own rather painful upbringing... reminders of my mum and her erratic behaviours that thrust me into a position of adulthood long before it was called for. watching it again today, although i'm only eight minutes into it, is taking me back to my youth, days i had packed away long ago to make room in my life for more beautiful memories... sometimes, though, it's necessary to got through those boxes, just to remember where you came from.
swiftlets
animals on talent shows... there's very little i find more delightful than when i'm watching any of the gazillion talent shows on telly and having someone step in front of any assortment of judges with a dog or a cat or a monkey who has a special and adorable talent. i always, without fail, get giddy and squealy when a poodle pushes some billiard balls to a corner pocket or when a persian prances on it's hind legs to a jazzy showtune.
chocolate milk
sweet potato fries
fountains
nutrias... because who doesn't love giant rodents?!
armadillos
iguanas
NOT having hives... last week i nearly died. no word of a lie, i actually almost died. my head had started itching in the early afternoon last wednesday... by the time i had gone to bed my entire body was itchy. i didn't actually fall asleep until around three and then woke again within twenty minutes completely certain i was going to die. i decided there was no point in staying in bed and when i stepped into the light of the dining room i found the whole of my body covered in hives. every single inch of me had hives on it. when Muffin finally got up for work he found he sitting at the computer cranky, weepy and scratching. i lept into a hot bath filled with baking soda as he left for work only to return ten minutes later with some benadryl. once i emerged from the bath i laid on the sofa and pretty much died. i slept literally the rest of the day. since then, i am terrified of any tiny itch that i have, for fear that i might break out again. my very first experience of hived was far too dramatic for me to have to experience again.
lemongrass
sea lions
when an actor's character's name in a film is the same as theirs
how taut the skin is over a bruise
making Muffin smile on Father's Day
mcbreakfasts
ferris wheels
Thrashin'
digging in other people's coat pockets
rotary phones
the sound effects on Scrubs
Jack from Will and Grace
the sound of air raid sirens
the 1812 Overture 

a mostly foody tuesday

a quick list... i've got shit to do. brace yourselves for a blog tomorrow...

chest bumps
when someone in a show has something i have... ie. in Raising Hope, they have my wooden ducks!
Raising Hope
Cloris Leachman
Mary Tyler Moore
mariachi bands
mud
walnuts
red rover... the game, not that stupid character.
hearing Muffin sing along to KatyPerry... which he does. a lot.
slight-of-hand magic
acrobats
giants
peach pineapple salsa
double bubble
cinnamon discs
robins
watching Muffin skateboard
"old school" skateboarders... because they are so polite... they clap and congratulate the other skaters when they pull off a trick. it's really nice to see.
having a toilet roll holder now... because my boy takes care of ME and installed one in our bathroom this weekend!
DRESS
roast pork
ibuprofen
cow's heart
the way Muffin licked the envelopes for me... i wrote all the invites out, but he was just so kind as to lick all the envelopes for me so i didn't have to go through the mess of pulling a face and causing a mini-scene every time i had to.
gerbils
My Name is Earl
the way the back of Hallmark envelopes taste
GLEE
Bizarre Foods

to tuesday, with love...

busy, busy day... i need to get this churned out so i can get on with taking care of Muffin... i just LOVE having a sick boy in my life!

please, have my list and enjoy it.

fat biker dudes
Wilford Brimley
Matt Dillon
Cory McAbee... musician, actor and amazingly wonderful man.
when the name of a film is said DURING the film
friendly celebrities... nothing in the world makes me feel more delighted than when i meet someone i admire musically or from films and they are friendly. when we went to Olympia to see Cory McAbee last week i could only find myself stunned when he came up to us and hugged me when i introduced myself. we chatted with him for ages and he was honestly one of the kindest men i have ever met in my life. it was so nice to see that someone as big as him would be so approachable.
Stingray Sam... seriously, if you've not seen it, find it somehow and watch it!
watching people do the voices for cartoons
stereopticons
mosaics
our invites... oh but we received them and they are the best things in the world! our incredible friend Heather agreed to make our wedding invites for us for free and they are literally the best things in the world! we have begun sending them out and i am so beyond pleased.
russian nesting dolls
carpenter's pencils
the photos in true crime books
hot dogs
Muffin's wedding band... oh yes, we ordered it and i can't believe how thrilled i am when i think about him wearing a wedding band. i love the thought that he will finally have a wedding ring he's happy with and chose because it was something he wanted. i love that we will finally be getting married and that ring will be a symbol of that union. i love him and just can't wait to be married!
I WON A WEDDING DRESS! yep. i entered a contest to win a free Disney Princess wedding gown and i totally won it. i shall be picking it up next friday and i can imagine i'll no doubt be prancing around in it nearly constantly. 

eh, that's it... he's very sickly and i need to snuggle him and make sure he's feeling as tip-top as possible. my poor little man.

have a wonderful week, please.