oh it was fun, fun, fun...

well, i am now in the realm of feeling almost 'normal' despite a few glitches. monday saw me signed off for one more week so we could be sure that i was alright and my medication had settled. my consultant is really, an incredibly fabulous man. he really makes me feel like he is on my side and not trying to just get me through the system as quickly as possible so he can get his paycheck.
this week off has been a bit of fun and a bit of horror all melted into one pot. the horror has just featured the same old mix of husband resenting my problems. i guess it is hard because i feel like he should be the one who i can turn to and get support from when i need it but he has just been tapped and thinks that i should just shut all of this off like a running tap. it is so frustrating because he says he will be patient and once two days have passed with little or no progress he says that i should be all better now, which is just like a 'go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200' was drawn from the pile and i have to wait another two turns before i can start getting better again. i just feel like i can't get the point across clearly enough for him to understand. ho hum!

tuesday we pranced out to the giant fish shop in pinxton again and i was able to continue my love affair with the many stupendous fishies whilst husband picked out bog wood and chose the silver dollars we would be taking home... my adulterous acts proceeded with photos...

mister puffer and i were bff... as soon as i saw him i immediately started making googly faces at him and talking to him in an incredibly high-pitched voice. many people stared.

this is just an unbelievably huge cichlid tank that i fell in love with the first time i saw it... it is full of the most stupendous fishies ever.

and this sting ray, who became immensly excited the instant i came in and started hovvering all over the side of the tank, smiling at me.

we ended up coming home with four silver dollars, five tiger barbs and four orange shrimpies. i am in love with the barbs and shrimps. the shrimps have gone into hiding mode, but the barbs prance wildly for me every time i go into the room.

yesterday was full of delight. as suggested by my consultant, i decided to go spend some time with friends. the friend of choice for the day was powers. i arrived at his door at noon armed with oasis, bourbon creams and more dvds than you could shake a stick at. the day ended up a total success, mostly because we consumed four films, planned some exciting things for johnee scissazazzz and i came away with two electrical appliances, one for destroying and one for replicating in the form of crochet. i like the days we can get together because powers is just a big, fat lovely. he just makes everything calm and i can just sit and do nothing without having to worry about anything. we can talk, or not talk.... it's all okay.

the rest of my days have been full of planning for by birthday party. i am more excited than anything ever about my birthday, mostly because i plan to make it the best quarter-of-a-century birthday party that anybody has ever had. i am being given free reign at a local pub (for no charge!) and with that type of freedom, i plan to take advantage of everything i can. a list of the things i am planning as of today is as follows:

• four bands will be playing, the line-up being alastair (solo!), husband's band, hell death fury (a really stupendous band that is made up of fabulous creatures from chris's home town) and the dust collectors (a local amazingband).
• one freaking hysterical comedy duo
• the most epic cupcakes ever to have come out of my kitchen
• handmade gifts to be given out to 25 lucky guests
• everyone will be in fancy dress

i am just so excited that i start whooping everytime i think about it. it just gets more exciting with each passing day! yay!

that's about it, really.

the abc's of hearting

i really need to focus on more positive things lately, so here we go with some massive hearting fun...

A - andrew jackson jihad... a band i cannot get enough of at the moment. if you haven't freaking heard them, for the love of god, go and listen to them right this fucking instant.


B - baking... great crap there is nothing i love more than creating the perfect baked good. i love it... all the flavours and variations and fun you can have baking and, my favourite part, watching people eat them. i derive an indescribable amount of joy from watching people eat my baked goods.



C - crocheting... most likely one of the things i enjoy doing only slightly more than baking. lately i have been on a mission to crochet some incredible artifacts for people that have stunned and delighted many. i can only get better from here, i hope.


D - dying my hairs... ever since i was given permission from a young age to do it i have been completely in love with all the aspects of dying my hair. from picking out the perfect colour to having people comment on how fabulous it looks, i love every bit of it.

E - eggs... i could eat them anytime all the time. they are so unbelievably tasty.

F - finding things... i love it when i am tidying and suddenly come across something that i forgot i have. it could be something as simple as a letter i started writing last year or a photo, but it really makes my day. it always seems that i find things that are apt for that particular moment to... like i find a picture my neice drew for me on a day when i realise i need to write her back.

G - gala darling... reading her site really inspires me and makes me feel incredibly uplifted. she always has such fabulously sparkly words to say and they seem to always be just what i need to read.

H - husband... especially lately, i have been realising how important he is... at the moment i can't help but feel useless and like i don't deserve any love but i have been given the most special gift of all, which is husband. he is the most special creature in the world. he has put up with so much shit from me and really stood by me through everything that i have put him through. i love him so much and that unconditional love is what i need at the moment.

I - ice... i LOVE ice in my drinks. the last couple of weeks have featured many a tall glass of water or soda filled with ice. for some reason, a glass of cola tastes like 2,239% better with slightly melted ice in it.

J - just sitting around... oh my do i loves me a bit of just sitting around time. i love to just relax and have nothing to do and nobody to harass me.



K - kisses... despite being horrifically independent at the moment, i do occasionally adore the random kiss from my husband-face. he gives the best face-kisses in the world.

L - lists... my lists are horribly important to me and i love them ever-so-much. i am awaiting a large amount of lists from places around the world, which will make my days.





M - makeup... i adore makeup... particularly eyeshadow. i love getting every colour i can and experimenting with it in as many ways as i can. it is so much fun and can create some beautiful end-results.





N - new shoes... i love it when i get a new pair of shoes that i have been lusting after for a while. i love putting them on and prancing around the house in them for a while and then going out of the house and getting comments on them (as i obviously only ever get the most fabulous shoes)




O - odd surnames... a short list of my favourite surnames (of people i know) is as follows:

• fenstermacker
• beeman
• scharff
• hislop
• mcnaboe

P - photographs... lately photos have been really important to me. i have been glancing through my photo albums almost constantly to remind me that i am not alone and that i have all of these fabulous memories that i can hold on to to get me through the shit storm i am sailing through at the moment.

Q - quirky trinkets... our house is full of them. i could never list them all but they are ever-so-much fun. i seem to have a special sixth sense that helps me to spy really strange, fun and delightful things that i can place in selected spots all over our house. i LOVE them.


R - rain... the last few days particularly, have been offering us rain in massive abundance and i am so pleased with it. i love to leave the windows open all over the house and just listen to it. it is so relaxing and omg does it create beautiful ripples in puddles whilst i am waiting for my ride to work in the mornings.


S - shrimps... i love them mostly as pets. they are the most amazing creatures to watch. i could literally sit and watch them all day long. a special mention should be made for the fact that i do enjoy eating them as well.



T - taxidermy... i don't know why, but there is just something special about dead animals that have been mounted in place for the rest of the world to see. i am obsessed with it and am trying to learn how to do this on my own so i don't have to pay the soul-destroying prices that commercial establishments want for it.

U - ugly dogs... oh my sweet mother of god i love ugly dogs. they are just the most stupendous, lovely, sweet creatures in the world. i have always found myself more drawn to ugly dogs over any other fluffy, tiny, button-nosed canine. i think they are special to me for the sole fact that they are not always the ones chosen first by other people, so i will take them and love them... they tend to have more character than any other dog anyways.

V - videos that remind me of my childhood.... i love it when i see a video online or in a shop that reminds me of the days from my childhood. especially of late, i have been on a desperate search for as many things from my childhood as possible. i think a lot of this is rooted in the fact that when i moved to england, i had to get rid of all of the books, videos and toys that i had been collecting for, well, my whole life. i suddenly have realised how many things i miss and want them all to be a part of my life again, so i am making it so. i went on a spree a couple of months ago and bought loads of videos (the brave little toaster, all dogs go to heaven, mi vida loca, rockadoodle, roseanne, clarissa explains it all and full house) and have been on the hunt for others (bebe's kids, high strung and the rest of full house). i suspect this will be a never-ending, but fabulous job. everything has such an individual, special memory for me.

W - windy days... i adore the days when i have to wear a jacket and get carried along by the wind. perhaps i love these days especially because they remind me of cheyenne. the ever-so-glorious wind that made wyoming what it was. i LOVE it when the wind is just right and means i am not too hot or cold. but even if it isn't perfect, it still has that magical quality to make you feel like you could be picked up at any moment and carried away, which i find to be very ec

X - xylophones... i have a particular soft spot for mine as it is perfect and small and beautiful, but i love all of them. it dates back to the days in elementary school when we would go to music class and one very lucky student was given those magical wooden wands to play the xylohone. i was very rarely that lucky student, but now i am that student every day!


Y - yarn... i adore all things yarn. i collect it like a crazy old woman. most of the yarn i have has been sitting in my bedroom, on a shelf, doing nothing for several years but i can't stop the compulsion to buy a fabulous colour or texture just in case if i see it on sale in a shop. it is a horrible sickness that drives husband absolutely insane. i typically have an idea for it when i buy it but tend to completely forget it when i actually get around to finding it again.

Z - zombies... OMG! i heart zombies like woah! i am totally in love with everything about them. i consume as much as possible about them as i find it interesting to see all the different ways that people approach them in film, book and photo. there are so many variations and approaches that i could just... well... i don't know. they are just so fun and interesting and offer so much variety.

you make me feel

depression is far more than the feeling of being fed up and miserable that everyone experiences. we feel useless, desperate, guilty, hopeless, unable to think properly, do the things you usually do. we may lose interest, feel exhausted but also restless, agitated, irritable, burst into tears for no apparent reason. we may also lose our appetite, lose weight, have difficulty sleeping, wake up much earlier than usual, lose all interest in sex. we may find it difficult, if not impossible to do the ordinary things of everyday life: work, look after ourselves, see friends. the future looks bleak and we may believe that there is little point in going on, seeing death as the only way out of the awfulness.
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i hate how accurate this is... it is from an informative leaflet from a manic depression website. i hate that these are all the things i feel. i hate it for so many reasons, but mostly because it just feels like it is getting worse. like i have no way out and that i have nobody that would help me out even if i did want out of this stupid hole. i feel so unbelieveably alone... i don't have any idea what to do. i haven't seen or heard from my friends in a long time, bar hannah, who has really been lovely.

i feel like a big, fat burden on everyone i come into contact with, like i am just ruining all of their lives simply by existing. i feel so small and broken and alone. i hate it.

the doctor has changed my medication and is referring me for CBT, but i just want to be better now. i am sick of husband not understanding and people avoiding me because they don't understand. i just want to be better so people can start liking me again.

people keep saying, 'oh, come over to mine!' but i just can't and i don't know how to tell them without making them think i am just useless. i am terrified to leave the house. i... eh.

depression.

UPDATED! plus hearting!

well, busy danie certainly is busy! let me tell you about it!

work has been iffy. it has been manic and last week i was on a big rush to get lots of things done because i am off this week. the office will actually fall apart without me there if everything is not perfectly orchestrated, so i had to make a lot of lists and have a lot of meetings to make sure nothing got too out of control in my absence.

i am in the middle of a bit of a depressive episode, which made all of the above fun and joyous for everyone involved.

by the time friday rolled around i ended up snapping at satankim in quite a sassy manner which, initially she said would result in a meeting with her, me and her boss, Judith (who is lovely, extraordinarily quiet and oh-so-beautiful). upon her exit from my office i spent a bit of time weeping and feeling all poopy. satankim than retired to a completely different meeting... i seized this as the perfect time to approach judith and talk to her about how satamkim makes me feel (incredibly small, stupid and like i can never, ever do anything right) and we discussed how i am doing mentally and emotionally overall (NOT well... a big, stinky pile of weepy). she was really lovely and we ended up not having the other meeting.

now i am off and OMG it has been non-stop. the in-laws showed up friday afternoon and, as it had been a while since husband saw them, the obivous script for the evening would feature much drinking which would, in turn, alienate danie. this is because i am absolutely terrified of drinking too much on my new medication. the evening worked out as planned and my weep-fest continued with me on my own in the lounge, luckily. it was nice in some ways because that meant husband had people to entertain him and i had a bit of a break.

saturday featured shopping and general prancing. we just sat around town and i felt it necessary to apologise over and over again to my mother-in-law for how i had been acting. she's a psychiatric nurse, so she knows all about what i am going through from a clinical point of view, so she just shrugged it off.

sunday was a delightful day that saw us go to a giant and somewhat delapitated stately home nearby. it was incredibly beautiful. we walked and walked and walked and i really enjoyed it.

monday rolled around and we were meant to leave for wiltshire as soon as i got out of my doctor's appointment in the afternoon but after a great deal of discussion and teetering back and forth, it was decided that we would stay in derby... this was for several reasons... they can be seen listed as follows:

• we are quite short on money and would thusly be stuck doing VERY cheap or free things.
• chris had had enough of his parents and worried that if we were to go down and spend much more time with them he might kill one of them or himself.
• there was a chance that my doctor's appointment would have resulted in me being put on new medication, which wouldn't have been a great deal of fun in a new house and around lots of new/not-so-familiar people.
• we had a substantial number of fishy deaths which left us worrying for john's sanity in taking care of them whilst we were away.

because we didn't go to wiltshire, i have been able to seize a massive amount of opportunities, which i would have most likely regretted missing out on in the long-run. these include the following:

• my very first PAID cupcake job! one of my friends has asked me to bake 50 cakes for a little party she is having for her chorale group. i has an excited. it all feels very official and like something i want to make sure i keep doing for a very long time.
• i am getting to help one of my friends on a short film today and tomorrow. today was just a short day of waiting around, helping set up the set and stuff, but tomorrow will be MUCH more fun and will involve me arriving at the set for seven in the morning and being the wardrobe girl for the two actors. i will be in charge of making sure their costumes are consistent and perfect at all times. i will be doing this until eight at night and them coming home to sleep for OMGbakingfuntime!
• stuffing liam! our guinea pig died last week and whilst it was a sad loss, i am very excited to have my first chance to attempt taxidermy. yay!
• book my tickets for my next trip to janeytown! **scree**

well, that's it. busy and very emotionally up and down. eh.

a short list of things i heart...

• cat power
• watching the fish
• hollyoaks
• feeling important
• ice in my drink on a hot day
• ice lollies
• doughnuts
• taxidermy
• sleeping in (which i may be able to do again, one day)
• the last video of michael jackson rehearsing
• computer games
• knowing that i can now knit, despite being stupidly slow
• my crocheted phone!
• going through old playhouse wardrobe rooms
• john goncalves
• jarvis cocker

-end-