Saturday, 15 January 2011

he couldn't wait...

laying in bed most of the last week or so has supplied me with some overly dramatic thoughts. ones that i refuse to act on in any sort of emotional manner, but ones that are causing me a great deal of distress overall.

i spend the early hours of most mornings with the left side of my face squished on my pillow with thoughts racing through my mind. thoughts that drive me flipping crazy overall. thoughts that i just can't seem to shake no matter how hard i try. they just prey on me like i'm a tiny injured animal who can't escape and no matter how many sleeping pills i take, they just will not go away. they just push through any sleepy haze i might be in and destroy any kind of respite i might be attempting to achieve. i only seem able to sleep during the days now, after Muffin's left for work, and even that sleep tends to be horrific and filled with dreams that i would rather not have to have (ones that feature Pow being nice to me and us reconciling, which hurts more than anything else, because i then have to wake up knowing that he still hates me and that is just something i hate to deal with. those, they are my worst nightmares right now)

they all culminated into too much for me some night last week when Muffin finally decided to come to bed after yet another five hour Black Ops spree (this seems to be his new, mostly-favourite thing to do, stay up until late, late hours and play Black Ops until i can't stay awake any longer, so i sleep). i was laid in bed attempting to sleep but not succeeding.

he came in and i was silent. i maintained my stone-wall demeanor and listened to the B-52's tell me about the rock lobster until he rustled around loudly, let out a sigh and asked me what i was thinking.

i said i wasn't thinking anything, which he instantly knew was a lie, as he has met me before and anyone who's ever met me knows that i am CONSTANTLY thinking about pretty much everything all the time.

my thinking has traveled between so many different planes of thought over the last, let's says ten days, that i just... i can't seem to get a grip on myself and what's happening in my head. i don't know what my mind is trying to do to me.

like, initially, it started out with my head tormenting me, advising me that Muffin must not love me if he is willing to spend as much time as he does wrapping himself up in computer games, website design and hiding emails from me. my brain was constantly telling me that there is no way that anyone could ever actually care about someone and then try to find as many distractions as he does just to spend time NOT with me. i became unsettled, moody and down. i cried, wrote, talked to janeyface and didn't talk to him.

THAT thinking then developed into me attempting to rationalize what he was doing, but left me completely unable to. i just found myself hurt because every single day that i am with him, i feel glee and pleased to be with him after all this time. i feel thankful for each moment that i get to spend with him, every morning his face is pressed against mine when i wake up, every night i fall asleep as the little spoon and every single tiny millisecond in between. i could happily still just sit with him and not have any other distractions but our own bodies and voices. there's still so much i want to learn about him and us.

he just seems to feel nothing. he doesn't seem to share the same excitement and overall enthusiasm that i do in our finally being together. he doesn't seem to have any interest in learning about me or doing things with me unless they directly benefit him.

we get up, i make him breakfast and lunch, he leaves for work and i tidy, cook, etc until he comes home, at which time i will shower him with kisses and love. most times the shower is brushed off for the meal i cooked and computer games. i tend to remain steadfast and sit beside him whilst he plays, hoping that he will pay attention to me and want to talk about stuff. after a few hours i typically lose interest and prance off into the bedroom in a flurry of kisses and snuggles, hoping to lure him away, but with no luck. the pillows and i cuddle alone for sometimes up to two hours before he even realizes i'm gone and comes to bed.

when i broach this or most other subjects with him he never has anything to say. he stares at me and then ignores it, which tends to leave me feeling rejected, ignored and generally like he doesn't care.

now, last night, my thinking took a sudden and more hurtful turn.

after talking about our future a couple of nights ago i realized that it will be a goddamn long time until we progress any further than "going steady" or whatever it is we're doing. this wouldn't have upset me or preyed on me so much, had we not been planning things for a long time. things that would finally make everything in the world exactly what we, or at least i, had always wanted.

that conversation harassed me for several days and then last night my mind kinda freaked out and realized that he couldn't WAIT to marry his other wives. he got those rings on their fingers as quickly as  he could but with me, no. he wants to wait. he wants to do this magical thing that he calls "right." this thing that he thinks will just make everything so completely different than the things he had before.

why can't he see that the things we have, the things i give him, are substantially greater than the things he's had before?

or are they not? am i no better? just some filler until he realizes that i'm not what he wants?

i have no idea. this is rambly and painful and i needed to get these things out of my head. i just want to feel like he's actually committed to me after all these years. that i am actually the one he plans to stick with. i have no certainties right now, and to be honest, i don't really feel that i deserve them. i just feel like right now, i'd like to talk, and be given a chance, which seems beyond us.



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