Friday, 21 January 2011

my body, my choice

overall, things have been okay.

i have been on a bit of a mission to purge the hideous things from my life. Origami, bad attitudes and awful people. i've been successful and feeling generally better about most things, on a slow incline...

the only thing i can't seem to find the ability to stop feeling terrible about constantly is my weight.

i still, today, find myself to be incredibly insecure with my body image.

now, this isn't a cry for help or a blog stating i have any sort of eating disorder, but more a way for me to explain what's happening in my head with regard to my body, weight and general appearance.

like, i can SEE that i've lost a lot of weight. i know that. i peruse old photos of myself starting from when Christopher and i split up and can honestly tell that i have had a drastic change happen to me. 

obviously, i know this from more than photos. i know this from the endless streams of comments and emails i get from people saying that they can't believe how thin i am and that they are worried that i'm not eating and that i have lost so much weight... i get it. i HAVE lost weight. the evidence is right up there and also in front of me every time i step on my scales and see i've lost a little bit more weight (something i do three times a day, after learning that from Christopher. i weigh myself in the morning, afternoon and before bed and average the totals. obsessive? i think so!)

the day Christopher and i split up i weight sixteen and-a-half stone (231 lbs) and now, today, i weigh twelve and-a-half stone(177 lbs). it is very clear that i've lost 54 lbs, i get that, but a lot of the time, i still look at myself and photos that are taken and am shocked by what i see. by how much weight i still hold on to.

when Christopher and i split up i didn't eat. i was depressed and went two weeks living exclusively on water and fags. that's it. so i very quickly lost a stone (14lbs). since then, i just can't find the ability to eat very much in one sitting. the only time i really ever eat very much is when i'm with janey (and that's purely because that's all we EVER really did together, apart from drink, a lot). i am the source of constant jokes from Muffin, saying he can't take me anywhere because i just don't finish eating anything, ever.

i FEEL hungry almost all the time, but typically, the instant i start to prepare food or that food is in front of me, i tend to feel ill and not at all ready to nosh. that lack of desire to eat has nothing to do with my weight, but more... i just don't know. like, i don't see food and immediately feel guilty or want to purge. i just don't feel hungry and typically feel ill when food's put in front of me.

it's a waste of a meal when i cook most nights because if i have eating anything, any tiny, little thing at all to eat during the day, there is no way i will be able to eat more than like, five bites of whatever i serve up for Muffin and myself. it's embarrassing and not at all nice for me.

despite this lack of eating, i just do not seem to be shifting any visible weight. i AM losing weight, but nothing that you can tell. i look in the mirror every day and my bum is just as enormous, along with my hips, thighs and tum. 

i didn't really click that i had a real kind of weight issue until last week. i was out having a fag whilst picking the mail out of the postbox when i caught my visage in the front window of the house. i saw that i am actually quite a lot thinner than i usually see. i sat and thought for a moment about a conversation Muffin and i had had a day or two prior. a conversation that saw me complaining again  about my weight and saw Muffin poking a little fun in reference to an episode of American Dad we had watched recently that focused on Stan having anorexia and seeing himself as physically fat and dieting and working out, when actually, he was emaciated and erupting concern within his family.

again, i must reiterate that i am NOT anorexic, bulimic or anything else you can put a label on. i just have a terrible issue with self-image.

i just don't understand. i don't get why i have such an issue. why i can't look at myself and see that i have made a lot of progress, rather than hate the fact that i haven't made MORE progress.

i know weight loss and body image are a huge issue with the bulk of the world's population, but i just can't shake this feeling. these thoughts that i am still too fat and hideous. i go through "ugly phases" where i just hate my face and body and everything, which i just don't know how to stop.

how do you stop feeling like this? what can i do to make myself love myself more?


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