all i needed was you and me and one of us on bended knee

the journey home started after a breakfast of french toast and sausage.

we left his aunt's house at half past nine in the morning after we shared hugs, took photos and said our goodbyes.

the next five hours were spent in his car, driving northbound through california. we ate snacks, took photos and took part in what seems to be my new favourite driving activity...

because of our schedules, i find it difficult to pinpoint an appropriate time to have any kind of discussion with Muffin. he gets home from work and he tends to be too tired to talk. before work, he's too busy to talk. snuggled in bed, he's barely awake enough to talk, so my only option seems to be to talk when we're in the car, on trips expected to last more than twenty minutes. it's not ideal, but it's all i've got to work with, so when i saw that we had fourteen hours of driving in front of us, i seized the opportunity to let Muffin know what i've been pouring over in my head.

recently my head has been tormented with more of my ever-so-fabulous irrational thoughts... i've been losing sleep thinking about his past relationships and how it makes me feel to know that i missed out on so much.

i've been obsessing over every tiny detail...

each photo i saw of Muffin with someone else taunted me because i knew it should have been me in those photos.

every time i snuggled in on the sofa in Muffin's warm embrace i was reminded that the sofa i was on was Origami's and that she got all those embraces that i should have gotten instead.

all the memories that Muffin has of date nights and cuddles and kisses should have starred me, not Origami or his ex-wife or ANYONE else.

i've been battling these and other like thoughts nearly every moment of every day for the last three weeks. wondering when it was going to be my turn to be his one and only officially. every single day i felt more and more irrational and less and less like i was making him happy. my thoughts made me feel inadequate, hurt and like i was never, ever going to be able to measure up to Origami or anyone else from his past.

it was in the first four hours that i did what could only loosely be defined as "passive whining." i started boldly and progressively debilitated into brief murmurs punctuated by tears. see, i have a habit of feeling awful for having feelings... i tend to think so little of myself that when i express my thoughts and then don't get the response i hoped for, i fall into a cute little slump that ruins my day.

after about an hour of the silent treatment he bought me an ice cream and then asked me if i wanted to stop at Mount Shasta to take photos.

we pulled off to a viewing and rest stop where he raced around the area in a bit of a tizzy, which i blamed on the tense atmosphere that filled the car for the previous hours. we stopped and took photos but he refused to cuddle me or offer any kind of reassurance to calm my restless nerves. he led me around the site, looking at all the different viewpoints, unable to find what he deemed as the perfect place to take a photo, so we rushed back to the car and he drove on, seemingly determined to find the perfect place to take a photo.

he was a man possessed.

the stress levels in the car maintained as he desperately sought for another exit that would offer us what he felt would be the perfect place to take a photo of the mountain and lake.

the next exit we found was for a camping ground in a cute little town about fifteen minutes down the road. we pulled off and he drove in a circle twice before stopping. he stopped and rushed ahead of me. i could barely catch up when he stopped and looked at the lake off the edge of the cliff we were standing on. i paused behind him and watched his face... falling in love with him and the crisp air. i took photos of him so i could remember our moment on the lake.

he grabbed me in the middle of a photo and he looked at me. he told me that we'd known one another ten years and no matter what the years have give us, i've always been his best friend. he hugged me and kissed my forehead. he held me and i remember thinking to myself that it felt like a proposal, but i knew he didn't have the money for a ring and i knew that he'd been reminding me that he wanted to wait to "do this right" with me, so i smugly kissed his neck, soaking in the fact that he was being cuddly and cute and dismissing the possibility that i should memorize the moment perfectly because it might be something stupendously important and beautiful.

he squeezed me harder and said a lot of things that i can't completely remember... i remember him telling me he wanted to be with me forever and pulled back to look at me before getting down on one knee.

it was at this point that i completely lost it. i instantly felt like the star of every single rom-com ever... i had never in my entire life anticipated that i'd have a boy propose to me ever, let alone on one knee, on a mountain, in front of a lake.

he said i squealed and the next thing i remember was him asking me if i would marry him. my very immediate response was "fuck off," which was uttered only before i completely fell apart and wept. he remained steadfast on one knee before asking me if that was a yes. i nodded and he placed the tiny ring on my finger and stood up to kiss me.

and it was with that that i became engaged... something neither of us has really ever been officially.

since that day we have been nonchalantly planning things. the planning was actually prompted by him, the other day, when he grabbed the laptop in the middle of a film and said he had some research to do. the "research" came to be about what to do after getting engaged and what kind of planning should be done. the last two days we've been researching together... looking at photos for ideas and deciding on the tiny and large details that will make our day something spectacular and will make all this waiting completely worth it.

so, today, i am writing as a newly-engaged girl... my blog will most likely turn into a place for me to brainstorm my own person DIY wedding (which him and i have decided would suit us best financially and creatively). we have a lot of plans down already, but there is still such a substantial amount left to decide, primarily, the date.

in any event, BWEE!! i'm engaged and finally get to create the wedding of my dreams with the boy of my dreams!! keep your eyeballs peeled, from what i've read, this is the part that will make or break any relationship!

t-day

okay, i'm in the middle of cooking din dins and other junk, so i need to whip this one out fast. it's a slightly long list, given that i was absent last week, so please, have it and enjoy!

cats who's tongues stick out
the smell of lighter fluid
stephanie's honesty... she's one of the people in my life that will be entirely honest with me about everything, and i really appreciate it. she's a good person and i love having her as a friend.
REALLY high heels... which i can't wear, but i appreciate them completely. .
tutus
The What Shoppe
creamy lemon pepper chicken
jasmine rice
Grey Gardens... and seriously, if you've not seen the documentaries about it, please, PLEASE look into them. they're absurd, interesting and completely worth the watch!
goose pimples
fast food places that serve your meal on an actual plate
when people try to impress me with their crappy tattoos
sucking on a boiled sweet until it's completely gone... there's a strange sense of satisfaction that i get from sucking on a boiled sweet until it's gone... not chewing it or breaking it.
roast beef
corned beef
wet eyebrows
any establishment who's name is a variation of "rock'n'roll" (ie. Rack'n'Roll, Wok'n'Roll and Rent'n'Roll)
the way clouds cast shadows on mountains and meadows
tiny lizards
vintage Tom and Jerry
when big dogs fart really audibly
how well i can identify dead animals on the side of the road
how excited people get about my hairs
OMGENGAGED... please refer to my next blog, which WILL be posted tomorrow, to catch all the sorted details!
catching Muffin "researching"... he calls it "researching," but when i look, he's reading up on weddings, engagements and rings. it's absolutely adorable.
the way scrambled eggs jiggle
planning
tortollini
our camera
L-shaped couches
the smell of onions cooking
Sarah and Randy
Easy A
Molly

BLOGS! NEW BLOGS!

so i'm a member of this online community called Swap Bot... it's pretty much the best thing ever and i adore it mostly because i can swap amazingly fun, interesting and inspiring things with people from all over the world.

the most recent swap i've been involved in is a "blog swap," in which i've given my blog to some people and they've given me their blogs.

please, let me tell you about the blogs i've been reading lately!

consciousness collection...
this is just an adorable little place to spend ages looking at cute photos and reading fun entries about food, smart shopping and OMGJAPAN!



wallflower DIY... 
a blog that makes me feel all gooshy inside! she's just this beautiful little ball of wonderful energy and words that i have been enjoying a lot over the last couple of days. i love her clothes, her product reviews and the way she speaks so candidly about her life. she's a new favourite!


angel in a glass creations...
oh her creations are amazing! they're completely inspired me to want to make new and beautiful little things... skirts, toys! OMG!


Betwixxt... 
i don't think i've found a single one of her entries that i'm not in love with... she is just adorable and quirky and posts about so many different topics that i can't help but keep going back 

my frizzle... 
oh the things she makes and the photos she takes! she's magical and i love her little bloggy-blog!

Unionvale Mom's Spot...
a wonderful little place to go to escape into a world of crafty swapping and foodstuffs! she's great and her writing's a breath of fresh air.

Urban Granola... 
she's  literally got the most beautiful little boy in the world and it's been just delightful to see his little life unfold through the pages of her blog.

the journey and musings of a single country gal... 
a beautiful lady with a big heart! her blog is filled with fun giveaways and a cute musings!

this and that...
a new blogger, but someone who has shown herself as completely dedicated to the cause of blogging! she throws herself into her entries with a zest and freshness that i love, love, LOVE!!

bpositive. bfree... 
reading her blog, this morning, through a hazy, sleepiness made me perhaps appreciate her writing more than anything else. she is so fresh with her writing and topics and i absolutely adore her. i love her face, her endeavours and writing!



and that, my friends, is it! danie's off for a prance to california, but not until we get to the court house to sever all ties with Origami! SQUEEE!

have a beautiful weekend all! i'll miss you and most likely find the time to blog whilst we're gone, i promise... kinda... maybe?

<3<3

day 02 - where you'd like to be in ten years

never in my life have i been so unsure of my future.

before, when i was married to christopher, i could easily tell you how cushy-soft our future was. we would be together, we would have babies, a guinea pig farm and our house would be filled with mechanical bits, wool and music. i would be working for the NHS and he'd be working in some job that allowed him to flourish with his passions for technology and guitars. we'd have the same friends and always most likely live in derby.

our life together was so easily predictable and comfortable that i never had to worry where we'd end up and what we'd be doing. i always knew that he'd obsess about the bills and money enough that we'd never have a month of not eating and we'd forever have the routines that we had set forth to fall back on to make our weeks manageable and easy to glide through for longer than ten years.

now, though... i just don't know. i don't know if it's because there are NO real routine set up yet, or because we just don't know what the hell will be happening even in the next five months, let alone year or ten years; but everything in our life together, and my life alone is so very fluid currently that i can't actually feel confident about setting down roots or a completely stable house yet. even in the last year, i've not been able to stick to specific plans due to our lives, histories and his work.

that's the biggest thing. i've no idea what our future holds, mostly because i literally can't even begin to guess what the Army will do with us. so much of our future will be dictated by what happens with his work. if he stays in. if his duty station changes. if he moves jobs. everything in our existence is dictated by the "ifs" of the military and that kinda scares me.

like, i can muse about what our future will look like and what we will do, but all i know is that today and for the last several weeks, i have been feeling significantly more like this, him and me, it's for realsies and he is someone i can see myself actually building and enjoying a future with.

that was what i was missing before... when i was with Christopher, i had the ability to see our future, but i could never see myself actually enjoying being with him... being satisfied with what we had built together. short-term, it was nice because i was in england, we traveled a lot and we had a lot of cool collections, but what do all of those things build for the future? it would have been nice aesthetically and on an instant-gratification level, but beyond that, i wonder how satisfied we would have been?

with Muffin though, i can see myself laughing for years with him. i can see me still being happy to make all his favourite meals and helping him mix songs long into our wrinkly ages. i can see us finally creating all the memories that we always planned on with relish and complete wonderment.

i can see us eventually working towards having a baby, which will be a huge, gigantic feat that will take a lot of resources and emotional toll, but be completely worth it.

i can see us buying a house one day, maybe on a beach... maybe not. wherever it is, we will decorate it and care for it together, as a couple, to make it a warm and special place for both of us.

i can see us traveling. going back to england and visiting all the foreign places we've always dreamed of. collecting amazing artifacts and eating foods that challenge him and thrill me .

i can see us happy. that's the biggest thing i can see... bigger than anything else. we will make it through everything we need to because we are solid and care for one another huge amounts. we will watch over and support each other with tender hands and loving gazes... be that in america, in the army, with a kid, with pets, with little food or with a giant mortgage under our belts. we will do whatever it takes to be happy with the us that we've been striving for for so long.

so, in answer to that question, in ten years, i'd like to be happy. i'd like to be happy and with Muffin, building our forever in whatever place or financial state our life together takes us... everything else will just be icing on the cake.

t

a list.

please have it!

cupcakes... yeah, THAT'S a big surprise, hey?
ice water
wedges... after seeing a lady in a shop with the most adorable pair of wedges in the world yesterday, i announced to Muffin that i NEEDED a pair, that i would most probably die without a pair. it was with that that we instantly went to the shopping centre for me to cast my gaze across all the wedged shoesies that i could possibly take home with me, were bonding to occur appropriately. fast-forward two hours and you see me prancing around the house in various states of dressed and un-dressed but always wearing my new wedges, assessing how hot they make me legs look and how much they make me feel like i'm walking on summer. california will enjoy my wedges just so much.
how legitimately retarded Origami is... so, Muffin and i pranced to the shopping centre Origami works at the other day... we didn't speak to her, look at her or antagonize her in any way. several hours later Muffin received a text that stated, "PSA, you have a choice to be here, i don't. i work here. that's twice in one week and i CAN have you removed." this delights me for several reasons, but mostly because the place she is referring to is the PX, which is where all the soldiers and people affiliated with them can go to shop for cut-price name-brand items... a place Muffin is fully entitled to be.... a place that, well... long story short? she's a fucking moron. there's no way she could ever have us removed, as we are not coming within even one hundred feet of her and we are giving the freaking shop LOADS of business. she's certainly big enough to be able to deal with people walking past. i enjoy the thought of how the conversation would go with security were she to ever attempt to have us removed... ORIGAMI: "yeah, i need you to remove those people.." SECURITY: "of course, ma'am, what have they done?" ORIGAMI "well, they're walking around freely, not speaking to me or anyone AND purchasing things, which brings the shop business." mmhmm. good luck with THAT Origami!
FRIDAY... BWEE! BWEE!!! his divorce is final!
The Courteeners
Jim Gaffigan
doing yardwork
when LaDonna comments on stuff... so, my sister rarely comments on stuff and even more rarely expresses much emotion, but sunday i woke to find that she had commented on my page saying the following re: our mum's death: "Mom's birthday for some reason I do not find as difficult. Always the day of her death. Always Mothers Day. Always Christmas. Always Thanksgiving. Always every single day. Spring, summer, winter, and fall. There is not a day that goe...s by that she has not entered my thoughts. With a death there are always regrets. There are always should haves or could have been. The day of her death will always fall heavy on my mind and heart. It is so vivid as if I could reach out and grasp it and possibly change it. But I can't. HD and I rushed back from Grand Junction Saturday the 27th. I spent a few hours with her that evening. Sunday the 28th, I spent some time off and on with her. Monday the 29th I did not go to work and spent time with her off and on. That same day the doctor told Grandma and Grandpa and me that she was doing great. Tuesday the 30th I went to work, then HD and I decided to go to the movie that evening. Mom had left a frantic message, which did not alarm me much because I was used to her frantic calls. Wednesday the 31st first thing, I tried to call her room. No answer. I figured busy with doctors, running tests, bathroom, etc. I was going to go see her on my lunch hour, and could not due to the work schedule. After work, changing my cloths to go visit her and recieved the call that I was not expecting. Not that day or any day ever for that matter. Seeing mom for what I knew would be the last time, was extremely hard. I did not want to leave. Deep down thinking if I never left her room, then she would always be. That somehow this cruel misunderstanding of mom lying there not breathing would suddenly change. She would simply be sleeping. I did not ever want to leave, knowing I would never touch her skin, see her face, hold her, touch her hair, or simply be with her. I wanted to hold on to that moment forever. Mom's room had a huge window with a wonderful view, without any obstructions. After the first hour or so, standing at the foot of her bed, feeling so detached from life and everyone, I started to notice the most beautiful sunset taking place. It filled the window completely and seemed to engulf the room and all of the sadness until the darkness engulfed the our time. I missed so much in life with her. There was so much left unsaid,and I will never be able to share the many things in my life with her." this meant something so huge to me and sent me into fits of weepy that were completely not welcome at half past five in the morning, but very much needed for me to know i'm not alone.
Muffin's laugh
hot towels
Inception
when Muffin says cutesy things... ie: last night. we were laid on the sofa watching a film when he started sniffing my shoulder very animatedly. i asked him what the hell he was doing and what my shoulder smelled like and he looked at me, stating in between whiffs, "i don't know... it's weird... like... envy? the envy of every girl?" to which i sqee'd in response and writhed, smothering him in kisses.
Julie Padley... and the fact that we will be having a serious playdate next thursday in san francisco. Muffin and i will arrive and we will eat curry, go to the sea, visit the science museum and take a shit-ton of photos. the excitement is astronomical. i can't WAIT to see her tiny face again!
driving
Burger King
freaking BAGEL SANDWICHES
banana peppers
Cosmo
Booger and his bone... so, my dog has a bone that's nearly as big as him. a bone that he carries around the house in a maniacal fashion, attempting to find a hiding spot for it. it's adorable, and also completely impossible to get a photo of. once i get one, you will see it and glee just as much as i do every time.
Reba
pastrami
Ace of Base
creating mega-mixes
reassurance
having a wank in a hot bath
doing laundry
DIY
play-doh
 
i'm pretty sure that's it. have a lovely week guys. and please, don't hate me if i'm too consumed by california next week to blog, but instead be thrilled that as soon as i am free, i will be posting the most wonderfully fun blog EVER!

<3

it's tuesday... again.

wow, the first tuesday is a while that i've actually sat and picked out images and schtuff! i've been bored today and the result, it seems, was this. they all relate to the list, i promise.

it's bloody cold here and rainy and i want to die every time i go out for a fag, which i blame mostly on the fact that i seem to have decided it's necessary to wear flippy flops (this is because i whined until Muffin bought them for me and i would look like a goddamn jerk if i didn't get good use out of them, rain or shine).

despite acclimate weather, please have a list!

Muffin surprises... he has to get up pretty goddamn early in the morning to be able to get one over on me. lord knows he tries, but he just can't seem to be secretive enough in any way to let me be surprised. even when he tries his absolute hardest, his bushwhacking schemes just don't end up the way he originally intended. take last friday for example... it was april fool's day, he was in the field and they'd been attacked by a wild wind storm that left the camp with no sleeping quarters and an overall bill of damage totaling more than $300,000. he rang me in the morning and told me that they were moving back to the main post in Yakima where they would finish the last seven days of their "training." throughout the day he sent me very convincing texts that said he was moving things back to the post and that he wasn't looking forward to another week there. he EVEN went so far as to send me photos of him stood by his equipment with complaints about the weather attached. around 1500 he sent me a text saying that he had a surprise for me. i didn't hear from him again. 2030 passed and i was draped on the sofa cuddling the dog and enjoying some stand-up when i heard what sounded like Muffin's car pull up (it should be noted now that my boyface is a bit of a douche and "modified" his Kia by lowering it and somehow making it sound like twenty lawnmowers are taking off for flight all at once when running). i immediately jumped to attention and let the dog out, shut off the telly and pranced to the door to find him trying to quietly shut his car door and lurk to the house with a hand full of flowers and a cutesy little grin. it was a beautifully cute surprise that was only slightly marred by his stupidly noisy car. much cuddletime and glee ensued.
the odd cola... i've quit drinking cola for the most part. i'm just now having my first one in over a week and it's a nice little odd treat to offer myself.
planning another journey... and it will be a magnificent one! next week we will be embarking on a seventeen-hour road trip to southern california where i will finally get to meet all of his family and Molly. we shall be gone for a week and i will eat amazingfoods (as Muffin's father is married to a real-live Chinese woman who loves to shower visitors with authentic foodstuffs). i plan to learn a few tricks and gorge myself greatly.
NEXT FRIDAY... this is the day that i've been looking forward to since before i arrived back stateside. Muffin's divorce will FINALLY be final. Origami will legally be out of our lives and i will at last be allowed to hold his hand in public and be his for-realsies all-the-time girlfriend without fear of repercussion from the ARMY.
Extra classic bubble gum
sausage dogs... and also the fact that we stumbled across FOUR of them all at once on the pier on saturday. i nearly had a heart attack. i shall be meeting ANOTHER sausage dog next week when i meet Muffin's brother and his tiny lady, Ellie. SQUEE SQUEE!
Muffin's giant face... but on my LORD there's not a more beautiful face! it's like since he's been back i've set myself the task of memorizing him again. i kiss his eyelids, lips and nose every night until  he falls asleep and smell his ears and press my cheeks against his as hard as i can constantly. i love his face more than i love any other thing in the entire world at the moment. literally, more than anything.
writing on people... it's fun, and for some reason, totally satisfying.
Tom Waits
snuggling with Booger
The Billy Nayer Show
LaDonna
Tim Baxley
my dress collection... photos will occur. it's becoming rather epic and i need to document it.
chicken parmigina
jeggings
my new dress... the dress of beautiful blue wonder that has delicately wonderful silver embroidery across the bottom. it's the most perfect dress almost ever.
Adele
piers
Jaacqy
Cat Power
curry
yorkie terriers
Jim Gaffigan
Eddie Izzard
Seven Days
lavender bubble bath
Target
Paul
nights when i DON'T dream about Pow... because for godssake i hate waking up and having to remember that he hates me. i just want to forget we were ever friends sometimes because the loss of his friendship has been one of the most awfully painful things i've dealt with in my tiny life.
candle wax
sexytime
remembering my mum
my new flippy flops
blue nail varnish
all-butter shortbread
Andrew Jackson Jihad

the end! please, think of what you love this week and embrace them!

<3

day 01 - your current relationship

i heart numbers and facts, so because of that, please see the following before i proceed...

today, my other half and i have been together officially for 371 beautifully interesting and surreal days.

i've known him for 3,560 days. 9 years, 10 months and 21 days.

41 days ago, i nearly left him.

when i look at our relationship, i don't just count the last three-hundred and seventy-one days. i think about the whole of the time he's been in my consciousness.

my current relationship, if you didn't know, is with Muffin. he's been my one-and-only soulmate for the last almost-ten years and has never, ever left my mind. he's been a source of many beautiful and horrible thoughts and memories and the fact that we are finally together after all the years of false-starts and broken hearts (awww, poet and didn't know it, hey?) is still completely baffling to me. so many moments during the day force me to stop and remind myself that this is really real. that Muffin and i are finally together and this has the potential of being forever if we both put our minds to it.

although there have been hideous times and broken emotions, today and for the last forty-one days, i feel more confident about us than i ever have about anything else. he's a special and magnificently loving person that knows just as much as i do that this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing that cannot be taken for granted, but rather tenderly nurtured and embraced.

we now both know exactly how important this companionship is and are willing to do anything we can to make sure that we don't lose it. we will give one another anything and everything we can to make each day just as special as the last.

we talk more and better and for the first time in my life i am in a relationship that feels like it is going to be forever... no doubts. no sense of doom. just love. absolute, complete

love. this is no doubt going to be a relationship that lasts until both of us are dead and gone. i'm in this for THAT kind of forever.

she would have been...

yesterday, my mum would have turned sixty-five.

for the last two weeks i've been battling some rather ugly emotions surrounding my mum and the fact that this was the sixth birthday of hers that she's missed. the sixth birthday that we've not gathered as a family and celebrated the fact that she was another year older with a pile of suitably tacky fibre-optic angels and country-music cd's.

to everyone it's just another day now. not a day for celebrating or eating cake. it's a day of nothing special for anyone but me, it seems.


my mind's been a mess, thinking about her and waking from dreams of her being alive. dreams that have make me spend the following morning doubled-over, missing her face and her hugs.

i've been attempting to dissect the things i've been experiencing in the last several weeks and all i can conclude is that she's gone and there was nothing i could have done about it. one day she was there and then she wasn't... she was ill, in hospital and i was five thousand miles away and completely helpless. all i did was stop calling as often because it was too painful for me, not thinking about the pain she was having to endure. 

whilst i was in england it was easier for me to hide from her pain. i didn't have to listen to countless doctors listing the new medications they would try. i didn't have to see her arms covered in bruises left in the wake of medications that made her skin fragile as a peach. over there i could happily prance through the supermarket without having to see her favourite type of bread, which would inevitably leave me feeling that familiar pang of loss in my chest from knowing that my time helping her with her shopping was cut horribly short because i left and she became more ill.

being back for her birthday has only really awarded me the chance to feel guilty for all the things i didn't tell her, all the times i didn't ring and all the photos i didn't take.

in an attempt to create some sort of connection and reason for my grieving this long after her death, i've been contacting my family to see how they're dealing with the loss... what they were planning to do for her birthday. i spoke to my sisters, grandparents and aunty... most of them didn't even seem to remember or want to mention that it was her birthday.

ladonna was the only one who mentioned our mum. she said that it's not her birthday that upsets her, but more the anniversary of her death (august thirty-first). i tried to understand why THAT day, the day we've only had to live with for six years, was more emotional for her than the day that was celebrated with a combination of hugs, tacky romance novels and red lobster for fifty-nine years.

i sought to grasp how the fact that we will never, ever be able to go and see her in her room filled with too many stuffed animals, arms filled with presents wrapped in glittery wrapping-paper... something we celebrated every year that i have been alive, could be less emotional than a day that we all had anticipated and grieved for already.

obviously, i don't think her pain is unjust, because i absolutely do still feel horrible botheration when that last day in august finally arrives and i am forced to remember that final phone call and the fact that i felt so helpless. i feel a pain that i wish so hard i could take away. i wish that i could go back in time and buy a ticket home the day she went back in the hospital so i could have been there, holding her hand and actually saying goodbye to her... making sure that she KNEW i loved her.

i so often feel like i wronged her for not having been there. for leaving to pursue my own future when i knew she was so fragile and needed me. i look at photos from her last birthday and i almost hate my sisters for having been able to be there. for having been able to spend the day listening to her talk and watching her smile.

that's what i miss the most. her smile. it was so simple and beautiful and she offered it so often for no reason other than that she was alive.

so, here i am, a day after she would have turned sixty-five... wishing i'd not missed so much, but also, hoping so much that she knows i still love her and think about her every single day. one day, hopefully, this will get easier.