i heart things tuesday... early or never!

this sign from burger king... that's the number one thing i heart this week. i spied it whilst i was waiting for alastair to finish in the toilet and fell immediately in love with it and it's specially uplifting wording. i heart the idea of being "today's special"

other things i heart...

danish, ashley, zombieland, chevy, buttons, the broken family band, popping my joints, web cams, songs with magical lyrics, getting a new mobile, sleeping, being cuddled up in bed with my blankets and a good book, seeing my consultant, hannah, letters from lee lee, being off work, when dates with alastair actually come through...

meh, that's it.

miss you more than an junkie misses heroin at a methadone clinic

it is amazing how much things can change in a week...

this time last week my biggest problem was worrying how i was going to get through another day at work but now... NOW! oh you KNOW there'll be a list...

1. it has come to light that christopher has been speaking to a female for about six days. a female he is planning romantic encounters with.
2. a female who he met on an online dating site that he signed up with a mere THREE days after we decided to separate.
3. a female who has now taken such a precedence in our house that i am often not allowed in the room when he is speaking to her.
4. a female who he plans to meet in real life this saturday. a female who is now creating a wedge in our home life so much that i have been forbidden to go out to a gig that she MIGHT be at just in case i cause i scene.
5. i have started talking to my danish muffin again... it's nice because he's someone i can literally talk to about everything in the world. when i talk to him i completely forget that i'm in the middle of a big, fat separation and feel like i'm a normal girl who has the best friend in the world. it is so strange how, no matter how many times he's fucked up, no matter how much he broke my heart, he's still the one i can never, ever get out of my head. he's the one who i will always worry about and the one who will always worry about me. he is my real-life version of ross and i'm rachel. no matter what happens, we always end up talking again and everything is forgotten. it's like a fabulous glove that i lose every so often but always fits my hand perfectly when i find it and i wonder why i ever stopped wearing it. he's really helped me with my low moods and talked me through some hard times. it's nice to have him back.
6. i've lost a stone (14lbs). i literally am not eating. nothing. at all. i can list everything i've eaten over the last week on one hand. i just have no appetite, and when i DO feel hungry and try to eat something i am finished within like, three bites. this only occurs once a day before i give up.
7. i've had swine flu, which has been fun. i got ill last wednesday and went off work, got my prescription of tami flu and set up post in my bedroom armed with every book by henry rollins and omgsomuchwater. it was glorious to just lie in bed and fall in and out of states of consciousness for three days straight. i haven't done it in so long and it was totally what i needed.
8. i saw zombieland! which was totally worth every penny and every bit of stress that was involved to get alastair out. jesus it was an incredible film. as a zombie film nazi, it didn't disappoint. i laughed, i cried and i "awwwww'd"
9. i saw my consultant who told me point blank that i looked terrible and how was i able to work at the moment? he signed me off for the next week and we will look into in more once i've seen a lady about CBT next monday. so, i guess we'll see.
10. i've put my lip ring in again, which is mostly exciting because, well, if you've ever stretched your ears, you'd know about that special 'pop' that happens when the jewellery finally goes in... yeah, that happened with my lip. it was amazing.

so there we are... a list of the most influential events of the last week. fabulous, no? needless to say, my energies and general desire for existence are waning.

i go through peaks and troughs in dealing with the separation, and they are all very willy-nilly. one minute i can be fine with it and i can be happy that chris is moving on or whatever it is he's doing... but in the blink of an eye i will fall into a puddle of weepy on the floor and can be inconsolable for anywhere up to an hour. the conflicting emotions are tearing me apart and i'm realising now that i need to be out of this environment. chris is unwilling to help me at all (unless, of course your definition of 'help' is attempting to illicit sex or force a cuddle on me) and that's what i need. i need to be cuddled when i need it or NOT cuddled when i don't need it. i need for him to NOT buy things that he plans to use on his dates with this female whilst in my company. i need for him to NOT make me feel unwelcome in my own home when he's talking to her.

i just need love.

it seems that is hard to come by these days as all my friends are either ill, lame, 8,000 miles away or busy. i keep hearing people tell me that i have this amazing network of supportive friends, but they are nowhere to be seen. ashley and han are the only people who have consistently been in contact with me and acted genuinely worried about me (bar my danish). i just feel all alone, abandoned and generally poopy.

blargh!

so nice, so smart

another tuesday and another week gone... it's been nearly three weeks and it feels like three years. i'm tired, worn out and feel more terrible every day. i never, ever thought that it would feel like this... like every day i was losing another part of me. today it was my will to fight. i have no energy anymore...

but i shall make a list, i need to make sure i try and keep something positive in my life... keep focusing on the small glimmers in the mud that has filled my world.

i heart...

• talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
• magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
• cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
• david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
• having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.

misc...watching people's lips move when they play guitar, stand-up comedy, watching lester sing, the smell of fireworks, the new season of Desperate Housewives!, LarryDavid, the broken family band, buckshot soup, banjos, laughing until i cry, daily OM, french accents, my ashbeast, emails from danish...

well, that's me spent... time for a date with my duvet, david sedaris and a megamix.

bigger than everything i have ever done before

Every day…every single day is harder than the last. Without fail.

I feel like a piece of wood that is being whittled down on a slow, but very steady pace. Being whittled down with a tiny, little jagged knife.

Like, I know I’m in control of my own destiny and how I feel. And I know that the things I go through are of my own making, but damnit, I want it to stop. My mind is just going constantly, without any time for a rest. It just goes on and on and despite my regular begging, it will not, for any reason slow or halt.

This would all be okay if I had actual, tangible ways of coping with them… a therapist, a friend, a punching bag. Like, I write, but I am far too lazy to write as much I really should

So many of my friends are just flaky and it is actually impossible to speak to Chris about the things that are really bothering me. He just tells me I’m being unreasonable and that I need to get a grip, which is exactly what I don’t need to hear right now. I don’t feel that the things I feel are unreasonable and who is he to tell me what is or isn’t a ‘healthy’ way to deal with this? As long as I am not out murdering people or harming small animals anything should be fair game, right?

Apparently not. Apparently I cannot voice how certain things upset me. Apparently I cannot talk about how unreasonable I feel he is being with some things without having it thrown back into my face and told not to forget my next psychologist appointment because I ‘really need it.’ Apparently I cannot just spend the evening hanging out alone without it somehow being thrown back at me that I am being passive aggressive and trying to hurt him. Apparently I cannot say ‘no’ to a cuddle without a further argument ensuing with him saying I am ‘throwing a pity party.’ Apparently I cannot do anything unless he approves it first.

Work is my only respite at the moment. It’s the only place I can go to get away from the horrible sinking feeling that I get from being at home. Work calms me and getting work done makes me feel like I have at least accomplished something that day.

London was just what I needed. The instant I got onto my bus I was relieved. I just turned my music on as loud as it would go and snoozed the three hours it was until I got to see my janeyface.

She greeted me with a dozen krispy kreme doughnuts and after a suitable amount of cuddles we retired to the first free park bench we could find and ate one each then smoked. It was perfect and just what I needed. We talked about how things had been at home (tense) and how work had been (nice as satankim was off for two weeks) and what specific things I wanted to do that particular afternoon (Chinatown and cake shop). It was just so splendid to see her. It had been far too long.

Post-fag we made out way to her fish shop where I was given the usual tour, which I always love. She keeps things that aren’t cichlids, which makes me happy. As much as I loves me some cichlids, I do get bored of them and yearn to see other swimmy creatures. I got to oogle her special fancy goldfish, all her rainbows, parrotfish and blind cave tetras (which she ordered in primarily because they are all I’ve been talking about since she gave me a book with them in about two years ago. I LOVE them and the fact that they have no eyes). I got to smile at her lionfish, clownfish and puffers. Once all the fish had been suitably inspected by myself we moved on to a cake shop that had been widely recommended by friends because of the massive, beautifully decorated cupcakes they sold. Let me just say now, that place was quite possibly the most disappointing place I have ever been in my life… even more so than Auschwitz. When we arrived there were only about five cakes in the window and about three dozen in the shop. Each cake had its own special appearance of staleness and fail. Deciding we couldn’t leave empty-handed, janey and I purchased shakes. She got a double chocolate malteaser and I got a bounty. Despite their fabulous candy namesakes, they were immediately branded as failures to me purely down to the fact that each one, which was only about the size of a child’s drink at McDonald’s, set us back £3.80. Outrageous.

We then moved on to Chinatown where I proceeded to purchase as many Chinese buns and as much sushi as I possibly could. Purchases in hand, jane and I toddled over to the bus stop to begin the journey back to Hackney.

Despite my tired feet (which my new amazingshoes make happier than anything ever) arriving at jane’s was lovely. We dropped all of our purchases off, kicked off our shoes and retired to the sofa for some serious tele-visual delight.

Sunday saw us up early, consuming a breakfast and on a bus before half nine. Our destination: London Zoo!! Because janey works at the zoo as a volunteer she was able to get us in the ‘backstage’ area which, as we bypassed all the regular patrons to enter, made me feel quite smug. I got to go to the roof and feed the chameleons and see all the venomous snakes and peer at the people from BEHIND the animal enclosures. It delighted me to no end.

Post-zootime we rushed to Chinatown again to meet up with Eleanor, Thuy and her new boy, Tristan (who is made of delightful and win). After a large amount of hugs and hand shakes we bombarded the Dim Sum restaurant in a colossal way and ate until we felt ill. We partook in most likely the most inappropriate conversations ever to be held in that restaurant and I took oh-so-many photos.

After we said our goodbyes to Thuy and Tristan, Eleanor, Janey and I pranced on towards Forbidden Planet so I could meet one of my internet friends in real life. Louisa Ryrie (whose name offered us limitless joy) is going to be one of the characters in Johneee, so we’ve been talking here and there about… well… stuff. Life and junk. She is just a beautiful little ball of energy and I couldn’t wait to meet her. We made our way to the shop she worked at and we searched. I told janey and Eleanor that we were to be on the lookout for a tiny girl with lots of tattoos and a pink Mohawk. I soon found her and was shocked by how tiny she was. It is so strange how, when you have never met someone but built up a repertoire with someone over a period of time… created this image in your head of what this person looks like or how tall they are or any various mix of things, and then you meet them and they are completely different. She and I have been talking for about six months now, I’ve seen photos of her, but I still couldn’t believe how tiny she was. I could have just folded her up and put her in my pocket. We chatted a bit, had a fag and then parted so she could finish her shift.

After meeting Louisa we were at a loss… where to go!? What to do?! We just ambled aimlessly. A list of our stops can be seen below:

• We went to Fopp, where I nabbed up some sexy deals in the form of DVD.
• We went to some precious shop that was full of all the cutest things in the world.
• We went to Cyber Candy where I spent an extortionate amount on some special American sweets that I’ve been craving for quite some time.
• We went to some clothes shop where we met a boy Eleanor went on a date with recently. He was super-precious and OMG so cleaver and funny. Win.
• We went to the royal ballet hall where Eleanor picked up guides to what was on over the next few months (this was for two reasons: 1. Eleanor studies at RADA and has been told that she should be attending at least one show a week for educational purposes; and 2. she has a family member coming to visit soon that she wants to take to the ballet)

After leaving the final shop I literally thought I was going to die. My feet were exhausted and I certainly hadn’t smoked enough fags that day. We saw Eleanor off in the direction of where she needed to go and got ourselves onto a bus.

Monday was another epic day of fun. We were up and out again by half nine, making our way to Walthamstow, which is a little burb of London that is comprised primarily of black people and secondarily of Chinese people. We love Walthamstow for one reason and one reason only… the Chinese Pound Shop. It is literally the best shop in the world as it is full of all the most strange, fun and random artefacts in the world.

Once we had walked nearly the entire length of Walthamstow, purchased a bag of buttons (the most beautiful buttons in the world) for £16.50 and found the greatest dress in the world, we made our way to the underground for the fifty-minute journey to Brixton (another burb made up entirely of black people). Our journey to Brixton was made because of a gentleman called Stafford who is a regular in Jane’s fish shop and has recently opened a Jamaican restaurant. He invited Janey to come in and have a free meal with some family and friends.

We arrived at his restaurant and were greeted and cuddled by this fabulous man who asked if we wanted us to trust him to which i promptly replied that no i didn't, as i am a fussy eater who hates fish and food that's too spicy. my honesty then awarded me many jibes throughout the rest of our meal. our stupendously glorious meal.

after our glorious meal we pranced back to hackney, stocked up on juice and chocolate and got down to tattooing. see, jane just bought a machine and loads of ink and what better canvas to practice on than danie, the one who cares not what happens to her body? yay! so janey coloured in some of the older stuff and did me a brand new tattoo for my alastiar. it was horrifically painful, but totally worth it. i loves it big time.

coming home has just been a snowball effect. i've just gotten more stressed, anxious and generally blah with every passing day. christopher has been trying to be lovely, but his idea of being lovely is a combination of being aloof and trying to cuddle me constantly... i want neither of these things.

he seems to have just completely gotten over the fact that the last seven years is over and there is no future anymore... he just acts like he doesn't care. i don't know what i expect him to act like... do i want to see him crying or self-harming? maybe... maybe i need to see that he cared about the last seven years. but he isn't... he is just turning into this person that i always wanted him to be again. he's growing his beard out, going out to gigs, smoking again... all the things i wanted and loved about him... just sparked up now that we ended things. i HATE that. i hate that he is suddenly turning into this person that he hasn't been with me for the last three years. i just hate it... all of it.

it's a big, fat mess and i am just stuck in the middle of it.... lost and quite terrified.

planning a trip to oxford to see my lee lee and thinking about going to see maral in paris. i'll see where i am in a week.

**sigh**

Lonliness is underrated

Nobody said it was going to be easy and I never really estimated that it would be easy… but I had never expected to feel the way I do.

The multitude of films I have watched in my lifetime have always depicted a divorce as being this horrible, ugly thing that goes on featuring lots of solicitors, arguments and misery. They were always portrayed as these giant things that left each party completely devastated emotionally and financially.

Mine is noticeably lacking.

The Butcher Divorce of ’09 will not involve solicitors and really feels okay.

I feel like I am living my life at the moment with a fresh existence. People keep telling me, ‘Dan, you seem like you’re in your own little world,’ and I really am. The whole time I’ve been in England I’ve always been part of this existence that was not singular. My existence was part of a duo… now though, I am solo and my world just feels new and special. It sounds silly but I feel almost like a toddler who is experiencing all the parts of everyday life for the first time. All the music I hear, all the places I go, all the smells I whiff… they are new and I am able to experience them in a more liberated and unique way.

It all feels very magical… magical and slightly frightening still. Six days on and I still feel like I have a big, fat, wet duvet wrapped around me which is both sheltering me from all external things and providing me with a sense of comfort that is stopping me from doing a great deal of moving.

I don’t want to though… at the moment I want to just walk around and experience everything again. Learn about living again.

The only part of me that is finding this hard is the fact that I am losing Chris…. Not Husband, but Chris. The person who knows me better than anybody else in the world… the person who I can talk to about anything… I am losing a friendship that I thought we were going to strive not to lose. He is passing up opportunities to hang out with me so he can go out and do things that he refused to do before last Friday. He’s completely changing and I hate it… I hate it because I don’t want to have to change. I want to stay danie and… well… I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t just expect that everything would just go on as normal… there had to come a time when we would become estranged, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I expected a bit of grief on his part… a little more tenderness… a little more something.

One of the things I was most worried about was losing friends… I am under no illusion that there will be friends that become Chris’s and some that become mine because they have known one of us either longer or better throughout the last five years… I’ve made my peace with the fact that I will most likely not see Mark or Lester very often and have also settled on the fact that I get to keep Powers and Vic as a minimum… the ones I worried about, the big ones are Goncalves, Claire, Mark and Jane. Those are my big four that I was and am worried about. Goncalves has met up with both of us and said that he will not pledge allegiance for either side, which is comforting…

We had a stupendous night out Tuesday which saw us seemingly participating in an episode of some smutty docu-drama. Arrival at the pub went through like any other arrival at any other pub… sit, have a fag, and have a pint and chat. When the weather became to bitter we retired to the sofas indoors and became immediately aware of the fact that nearly everyone there was a serial killer, a sex fiend, circus freak or paedophile. The first inkling was a slightly disabled dwarf who I instantaneously fell in love with. He was tiny and wearing a little red tie and I just wanted to cuddle him. In the far corner of the pub we were privy to a fabulous domestic between an elderly man and a young miscreant. Skulking through the entirety of the pub was a gentleman who bore a very uncanny resemblance to Mark ‘chopper’ Reid. He appeared to either want to make an immediate BFF or start a huge fight. He repeatedly bought himself pints (without having finished his last) and dragged his multitude of pound shop bags from his table in the middle of the pub to his designated smoking section outside… I wanted to ask him for his list but john would not allow me to become involved.

The piece de resistance of the entire evening was situated directly in front of our line of sight. From the moment we sat down we couldn’t help but notice a particularly amorous couple standing an adjacent table. She was a fairly large female and he was a small, gangly creature who appeared to have just exited either a prison or mental asylum. They were kissing and rubbing like he was about to begin or had just finished a long stay in the army. As the minutes drew on it became more and more vigorous… we ordered food and talked about my impending divorcee status. Just as the food arrived the heavy petting moved up a notch that involved a great deal of skin exposure and breast-grabbing. About halfway through our chips and assorted condiments I glanced up and immediately clutched john’s arm and snorted. I said he needed to look at the lovers now so as to not miss the special moment I had just become a part of. We both looked again to find that the progression led to the only reliable place, which, unfortunately for us, involved his hand down the front of her pants. After about three minutes of serious rubbing and excited back arches the excitement of our chips had worn off and I went to the bar to inform the staff that a snuff film was being acted out in the front of the pub. He was mostly delighted and was only slightly less disappointed to see that they had finished by the time we returned from the bar.

If only to add insult to injury, the young Casanova went to the toilet, presumably to have a wank and she left. Literally just walked out of the pub and left her drink. Upon his return, john and I pieced together that perhaps he assumed she had gone to the toilet and therefore waited for a half hour, then walked out with his tail between his legs.

I can now safely say that I will be fine going through this divorce as there is no way any divorce, job or illness could be more stressful than what I witnessed that night.

I went to the cinema last night, which was nice but awful at the same time. Nice because I got to see Pow Pow and got to have dinner with him and generally hang out. We talked about stuff and how he coped with a similar situation and it really helped me to gain some perspective on what I’m putting myself through. He’s just such a fantastical creature. But the film… OMG the film… we were torn prior to our arrival at the cinema, unsure of what particular emotions we wanted our choice to inflict upon us… in the end, it was a toss up between ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ and ‘(500) Days of Summer.’ The only real way to settle this was a coin toss and I won, ‘Cloudy’ it would be… until the instant we got up to the counter Alastair changed his mind and wanted to see ‘(500).’

Literally, if you recently have been, are in the middle of or want to break up, don’t watch this film. It was just unbelievable. The film itself was outrageously beautiful and quirky and I fell in love within the first sixty seconds. The soundtrack is perfect. The actors were glorious and the art in it was amazing… but jesus… just the raw, horrid emotion that it trudges up left both of us in tears by the end. I was particularly bad when ‘At Last’ played, leaving me in a giant puddle of weep. Alastair immediately recognised this as the song I walked down the aisle to and gave me a cheeky arm rub.

Walking out I said it was a mistake to watch that film and he said he didn’t think so…. That right now it may not feel okay, but eventually I will come through it and that film really could help.

Meh.

Going to London this weekend!! I am literally more excited than I have ever been for anything in my life ever. Just getting away would be fine, but I am going to get pampered, tattooed, fed, cuddled, drunked and so much more… I’m going to go to the zoo and cuddle the animals behind the scenes, go to Camden and buy delights, meet someone I’ve only ever really spoken to on the internetz, find the only surviving photobooth in London, go to a cakeshop where I’ll buy and eat many cakes from and watch more telly than anyone ever. I really need this weekend, so… YAY!

you will always be my best friend...

16/09/09

i just can't do this anymore... i feel like there is this constant drain that is sucking the life out of me and i just need that energy so much. i can't afford to lose it.

there are so many things i am terrified of. what if i go through with all of this and i lose all of my friends? what will i do about money? where will i live?

i am slowing starting to 'nest' or perhaps the better word is 'de-nest'... trying to figure out what i need to do and what my options are.

it started yesterday. after many prods toward calling them, i did. i was terrified when they answered. none of the websites tell you how to approach it or what to say...

my voice immediately trembled and i wanted to hang up... wanted to just pretend i had never called. instead, i told them i didn't know what to say and that i needed help.

he listened and suggested i ring someone else... gave me another number to ring.

i rang the number and repeated what i had said to the other person... she said i'd have to come in and get my advice. my first instinct was to tell her 'thanks, but no thanks.' i didn't want this to last any longer than a five-, maybe ten-minute phone call. i wasn't ready to have to bathe, get dressed and go allow someone to see my puffy, weepy face. not unless that someone was going to be willing to meet my high emotional demands alongside providing me with the essential information i was requesting.

as luck would have it, once i had finished my speil, the woman placed me on hold and returned to advise me that i did not need to come in and i was completely safe and had nothing to worry about.

the instant i put the phone down it began. i sobbed like i have never sobbed before. i wailed an cried until the sleeves of my robe were almost completely soaked through. i have no idea why i was sobbing... i just kept on.

******************************************************************************

three days later and here i am... alone, but not alone. after a lot of arguments yesterday just came over as a wave of calm and we sat together and talked. talked like normal people... he said he loved me still but wanted to feel loved in return. said that he could look past a lot of things but he needed to feel loved back. i told him i have no energy for that. i have become this independent, slightly selfish creature that really shouldn't be in a relationship anymore. he nodded and i immediately felt lost. felt like i had been transported into some strange house and didn't know what to do.

we discussed what we would do... how we would work this out... the entire time just feeling lost. quite scared and lonely. i wanted to run away, i wanted to lie down, i wanted to have a cuddle, i wanted to take a bath. we would keep living together as long as it felt right. he'd move to the other bedroom and we'd watch telly together tonight.

nobody tells you how it's meant to work... what you're meant to do. he had his ring off within twenty minutes and was on the phone asking his parents for money. i knew at that instant that i had to be out of the house. i couldn't deal with hearing that. i wasn't quite ready.

i called hannah and packed a bag. her and dave came to get me and i just cried. it's like any other ability or coping mechanism i had learned throughout my lifetime had been stripped away and all i remembered was how to cry.

the instant i arrived at hannah's i began to chain smoke. that seemed like the only option for the evening. crying and chain smoking. in the middle of my third fag i got a terrible sense of awful in my stomach. my 'friend hat' came on and i felt horrible for leaving him alone. knew that i wouldn't want to be alone, so why should i force him to be alone?

after a great deal of apologising to han and dave, i called a taxi and went to the shop to get a snack. i hate that i am probably the only person that knows what things he loves to eat when he's in a snacking mood.

the taxi delivered me home and i gave him his tasty treats... a diet coke and a star bar. we watched telly and talked. just talked like friends. talked about when we would get a divorce and how we wanted to go about it... talked about what things we would want to take when we did finally decide to move out. it was calm, constructive and overall okay.

when bed time came he went into his room and cried. that's the one thing i was most terrified to hear. i HATE hearing him cry. i HATE it when he's hurting so much that he cries. i went in and held him. told him we'll be okay. that this will be the best for both of us eventually.

and here we are today. i feel horrible and broken and really, unbelievably empty. nobody could ever prepare you for this feeling. it is like i'm in the ocean and i have been pulled under by a giant wave. the pressure and fear and pain is so unbelievable. i have never felt pain like this before in my entire life. no amount of tattoos, of wisdom teeth extractions, stretched ears or cut knees could ever EVER add up to this.... nothing.

here's hoping it all works out okay and i make it through this. right now it really doesn't feel like i will.

It's Tuesday... Meh

Despite many, many horrific days over the last week or so, i need to do this. it has been a week of constant emotional poo-poo and mygod it has taken almost everything inside of me to get through it. finding things i heart is not an easy task at the moment. let's just push this boat out and see what the waters are like...

• having the house to myself! yeah. husband is away for a few days, so i've had the house to myself. it's just lovely to be able to exist in the house alone and not have to worry about someone coming in and interrupting my fifth film of the day in my pants or something like that. alas, he returns tomorrow, which should be fun or horrific. mostly horrific i reckon.
• hannah! she is just the most fabulous, lovely, supportive friend i could ever have at the moment. she gives cuddles that allow me to shut out the rest of the world and really just tells me how it is. i loves her so mucho.
• the amount of emails i've been getting about my creations! literally, i get like three a day from people just telling me how great i am. it really is just so uplifting and helpful, especially when i've been having such a downer lately.
• movie dates! yesterday was just what i needed. alastair and i went to lunchies and despite original plans, got to spend the evening together with my homemade brownies (!), bacon sandwiches, chocolate milk (banana for him), talk of what we'd do with our lotto winnings, an array of films and my alastair. i just love days when i can slug around and not have to feel any kind of emotional crap... just sit and eat and drink. the day was made especially special because we had a series of fabulous conversations that really put my mind where it needed to be and made it possible for me to joke about some of the things that i've been going through. it was either that or cry... which i try to keep from doing.
• going to bed earlier than anyone ever! every so often i love to get a sneaky early night in... and when i say 'early night,' i mean like, half eight. i love to just get myself nestled into bed with a book and my DS and snuggle in bed until i can barely keep my eyes open (ETA: 9:00pm)
• getting letters from lee lee! i HATED seeing him go. i loves him so much and the night i told him i'd stand by him no matter what he decided to do, i honestly didn't believe he would run away to Cambridge and leave me behind. alas, he has been gone for almost two months and the piece of my heart that went missing when he left is being re-built via post. i sent him my first letter a few weeks ago and got his at the end of last week... i sent him another letter today which i am more excited than anything ever for him to receive as i spent a VERY long time drawing up the letter and envelope.
• Eleanor! eleanor is a creature that i met at a cinema date with jaacq and pow pow. she is made up of beautiful hairs and a long neck. she moved to London yesterday to pursue fashion studies and i HATE that we only met like, three weeks before she left as she is a really, incredibly lovely person. i plan to visit her during my next janeyvisit (which takes place in two weeks!!). she is in love with baking like me and wants to learn my tips as i do hers. gah she is just a big, beautiful lovely that i wish i had met sooner. it seems like a lot of those creatures are coming in and out of my life lately.

Misc!!
Peep Show, Matthew Perry, gold leaf tobacco, listening to people breathe, the smell of american money, crime scene photos, broken family band, westons vintage cider, sassy lesbians, scottish accents, photos of my mum, getting away with not doing work on work's time, smiling at people on the street, dymo machines, when i meet someone who loves henry rollins as much as me, being able to tick things off of a to-do list