Becoming whole again... Daily OM seems to know everything!

Becoming Whole Again
The Process of Grieving

When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with. This sense of grief can also come up when we are separated from anyone or anything we have welcomed into our lives. And while it may feel like we are caught up in a never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness, it is important to remember that the grief we are feeling is not a permanent state of being. Rather, grief is part of the process of letting go that in many ways can be a gift, allowing us to go deeper within ourselves to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness.

The emotions that accompany any kind of loss can be intense and varied. A sense of shock or denial is often the first reaction, to be replaced by anger. Sometimes this anger can be directed at your loved one for “abandoning” you; at other times you may feel outrage toward the universe for what you are enduring. And while there are stages of grief that people go through – moving from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance – the cycles of grief often move in spirals, sometimes circling forward and then back again. You may even experience moments of strength, faith, and laughter in between. While these emotions seem to come and go sporadically, it is important to feel them, accept them, and allow them to flow. With time, patience, and compassion, you will eventually find your centre again.

As we move through our grief, we may find ourselves reluctant to release our pain, fearing we are letting go of who or what we have lost. We may even regard our movement toward healing as an act of disloyalty or giving up. Know that while the hurt may fade, the essence of what you had and who you loved will have already transformed you and forever stay with you. If anything, once you are ready for the pain of your loss to subside, their memories can then live more fully within you. Remember, that healing is a part of the spiralling cycles of grief, and that in letting yourself feel restored again, you are surrendering to a natural movement that is part of the dance of life.'

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i came home yesterday to the above in my inbox... it seems that everything in the world knew that i would see what i saw friday night but me. it also seems that people i know and trust(ed) saw these these and decided to hide them before i saw them myself.

it was brought to my attention that someone may have seen him getting off with this female before i did (as, apparantly, it happened more than once friday night). this someone is a person i thought i could trust and someone that has shown his true colours as poop-coloured since the event occurred. whilst small gestures have been made, i was still left to deal with the fallout with strangers whilst he pranced off with the very female my husband got off with... i was still left to go home without any of my stuff because some more interesting and attractive female invited him to go to TK Maxx with him... i have now been left hanging as to when i will be getting my things from his house because he seems to enjoy ignoring me.

it's nice to know who your real friends are. you fucking put a lot of effort into making a friendship worth having and then when the chips fall and you need a bit of help, all that person cares about is themselves.
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i am now running around in limbo. chris is trying in vain to act like nothing happened. like he can go ahead and cuddle me and kiss me and that everything is fine. it isn't... it won't be for a long time, if ever. barely 24 hours have passed and all he can think about is when he will get his next shag. i just want to figure this all out. i don't want to be rash or make a decision i will regret.

i know why the caged bird sings....

and i really do, yes, i do.

i have been existing recently on a plane of emo with only one destination, 'depressionville.' well, the flight landed and despite the fact that i have been waiting around for a return flight, things have been alright. when i say 'alright' though, i mean... things have been better than awful. but only marginally.

WORK
i have been running through my days at work delighted by the antics of my co-workers and barely containing myself when my boss comes in. she was off all last week, so this week she had to make up for the fact that she was not able to harass and scruitinize everything i do for a week. on top of her regular mood, she had to have a verruca attacked on her foot which left her even chillier than usual. she was seemingly only barely holding on to her last breath long enough to limp into the office to make regular jabs at my work and to task me with making the coffee for meetings going on (which is NOT my fecking job and never will be). her mood only became bareable friday, when i had a 'supervision' meeting with her, which is basically a time for me to sit with her and raise any problems i am facing and to allow her time to outline any concerns she has with me and my work... i pranced into the office with only concern due to the fact that everything i had done the prior four days had been wrong. OMG was i surprised when she came out with nothing but beautious delight RE: me and how amazingly splendid i am at getting things done and she would like to see me get some qualifications paid for by the trust. once our meeting was over she then proceeded to hobble to every office on our floor and offer to buy ice creams.
a big perk regarding my working life is that i have decided that since i am getting no 'customer contact' as it were, at my current job, i am going to chase this outside of work hours. due to this epiphany, i have applied for a part time job at LUSH. hooray!

Husband
eh, today has been splendid, but the big chunks of my time with chris are consumed by him telling me how crap i am. we had a lovely night the other night where he decided to display his frustration with me by slamming doors and punching them only to stop periodically to advise me of what a crazy bitch i am. let me tell you, i was incredibly impressed by this display. oh yes. he has decided that the best route to making our relationship better is to start having sex every day for two weeks. two days down and i mostly only want to die. i'm just not feeling it at the moment. the way he acts leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to my lady bits. he has really been trying though, which i can see... but he has been trying so much that a lot of it is coming across as patronizing and suffocating. it really is taking its toll on me. i'm just trying to figure out what is happening in my head as fast as i can to make a conscious decision about us.

alastair
whilst the biggest chunk of this has been amazing... there have been some iffy moments where i have felt like he just cannae handle having any responsibility or a schedule for doing things. this theory has most certainly been blown out of the water though, as of wednesday... wednesday found me showing up at alastair's for swimming purposes only to find his face full of glee and pleased... he asked me when he opened his door, had i gotten his message... i hadn't. he squeeled a bit and told me that he had made it to the final 50 for the orange unsigned competition! he had been living on wee pins and needles for the last several weeks, worrying if he was going to make it through or not... i knew he would. it seems as though that phone call from the orange people turned his switch to 'on' and he has really hit into a phase of wanting to get things done. as a result, we have kicked the work on his photo comic, 'johnee scisszazzz' into overdrive. i have now taken on the task of being his wee little PA, which means i will be generally helping his keep with deadlines and generally ensuring everything gets done. along with my PA duties, i have also decided to help ali with some of the costumes... one of which will be for the hero of the story who will, for a part of the story, be wearing a mask made of human skin, which i will be creating with pig skin. i am more excited than anything ever for this. i will be going and picking up the skin tuesday afternoon and will begin the curing process wednesday morning.
generally, i am really feeling quite fulfilled with this task. it gets me out of the house and lets me associate with a group of new people that seem to all be delightful.

mostly, that is everything. all my life is surrounded by work, husband and alastair at the moment.

i will be performing some baking tasks tomorrow, which will delight and mystify all. watch this space.

was i ever yours, were you ever mine?

firstly, meh.

i have been busy but not all at the same time the last week. work is still made of teh suck. it was nice because my boss (known from here on out as satankim) was out on holiday... as a result, everyone kept prancing in and chatting to me. i learned a lot about people, the biggest revelation being that i am not the only person who hates satankim. she rubs everyone the wrong way and everyone there thinks i should get out as fast as i can as working for the NHS is for the elderly and bitter. apparantly, i am a previous creature who should not let herself become tainted by the NHS and the horrors that inhabit it. so, as a result, i have been searching like a madwoman for a new job. no fruit has been born yet, but i am feeling confident.

i haven't been swimming in a few days as it seems that i have one of the most unreliable swimming buddies ever. we had a tiny bit of a falling out, actually... but only tiny. i am generally the most excited communicator ever in the world. i love to send emails and texts and IM's and the lot. especially lately, since i have been feeling so off, i have really been leaning on the support of people that will give me the time of day (ali, anna, eddie). ali has been ill for a few days and since he has been ill i have sent him a couple of texts and emails just letting him know that i am thinking about him and asking how he is. it seems though, that that was too much for him and now he is just not talking to me and has just generally been off.

it just feels like, especially with ali, that i have really been pushing myself to help him... making a lot of phone calls, helping him with his comic, tidying his house, spending time with him, swimming, giving him my old mobile so he has something to take photos with... it just seems like now he has gotten what he wanted, he is just dropping me. just cannae be bothered now he has leeched as much out of me that he can.

it really hurts, you know? i am really struggling now and i could REALLY use his support and just some hugs or ANYTHING... much like what i did for him, but he just won't. he is 'too sick' to hang out now. apparently not too sick to stay up until five in the morning posting photos of himself or anything, just too sick to have a friend who needs some TLC away from home around for a cup of tea.

it's nice to know that people are aware of what friendships are really for. i just need a friend, you know? just someone who isn't lame or unreliable. just someone who will actually do what they say and not take for granted the things that are being given to them.

relationship things are meh. we have a wondrous fight every night before bed, which is nice, because i hate sleeping anyways. he is just being overbearing and stressful to deal with and really pushing me away.

bleh. i gotta tidy. mr winn is going to be here soon.

will post more soon, i suspect.

no, i really did invent green... PLUS i heart things and things tuesday!

so... i am feeling mucho better today. i really needed a swim, i reckon. it really clears my head.
had an amazing swim today. we got in an immediately started doing laps. usually we fanny about loads and i kick him and then we mince around, doing laps here and there... today though, it was teh hardcore! i felt really up for it and my body just said 'goin2swimznowkthnkxbi!'

it was so lovely and i feel amazing as a result.

work is still made of fail. i joined the 'disability league' which is kinda like the 'justice league' but for people that are disabled in some way. they are taking advantage of me and the fact that my mind is fucked-up. the other people in the group are all 'physically challenged' in one way or another, and they felt that they could benefit from having someone with a mental disability in the group. i guess what they weren't expecting was the most odd case of crazy that they could get. i pranced into the room with my uber crew cut and tattoos and blew them all away with how bitchin' i am and how excited i am about working despite my 'illness.' they seemed to all enjoy complaining and saying that people harass them and that they should have more sick pay and i was all like, 'oh hai! i has an amazing work ethic and heart rising above my mental issues to prove that we are not all martyrs for our illnesses.' they were shocked and excited. we will see what happens now.

i guess that is really all i NEED to talk about at the moment. i am about to go watch a show about people who share their breastmilk with friends... hooray!

things i heart? a list!

• Molly Coddle Soap - i hold a special place in my heart for it and the fact that a parcel arrived at my door today full of food-shaped soaps!
• love songs! i have been in love with love songs the last couple of days... none in particular, just all of them.
• daren king - who is an incredible author and who's books graced my post box this morning.
• making people smile with small gestures.
• laughing
• walking in the rain
• cuddling into a warm duvet

eh... that is all for now. breastmilk time!!

the universe seems to like lying

The only person you really have to make happy, Danie, is you.

Good thing you're so cool -
The Universe
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yeah, what a load of fucking bollocks that is. how cool can someone be if they don't know how to fix relationships or make someone happy?

i don't have any idea what i am doing now. no idea... i feel like some sort of horrible vessel that has been left alone at sea, bobbing and alone to fend for itself whilst the salt of the sea (my tears) destroy the strength that this vessel used to hold.

sound like a load of emo bollocks? yeah, it fucking is but i don't know how else to display it other than to spew emo bullshit. i feel like all the cliche things that emo people are made of... i want to just sit and cry and look at old photos and mostly just fall apart.

eh. the one fucking thing in my life i was hoping would remain consistent has fucked me off today. the one fucking day i really needed it. cheers for that sol! i appreciate what a support you have been in my time of need when i was so fricking rock-solid in yours.

what is the point?

15: who had the most positive influence on you?

most likely my sister again. i really felt that i could look up to her and anytime that i felt i needed some strength, i would go see her. she had an incredible air of all-knowing intelligence that i thought was amazing.

14: what was your most memerable toy?

from what i can recall... the toy that sticks out most in my memory is a talking doll... i remember this mostly because as soon as i opened her, my mum's friend jo shouted out, 'she had better have sme good batteries in her, that little girl sure can talk!'

it was a true story as well, mostly because that doll's batteries died within a month.

13: who did you think was the smartest person in the world?

as a child i was all about thinking my sister carmen was all-knowing and able to do anything ever. she was incredibly and i was aware from a young age that she had been through a great deal and had come through the other end with a beautiful baby and life.