don't stop until it's tuesday...

oh my LORD in HEAVEN what a week of hearting! it's late so i have to whack this one out quick!

enjoy!

• Charming telephone manners… so, I just had a call from a kind gentleman from N Power (my energy supplier) who, upon my excitable answer said the following: ‘hey, is that Miss… uhhh… Valackee or whatever? (**he proceeds to spell my name**)’ I confirmed that I was indeed born to that name, to which he replied, ‘I’m Tyrone calling from NPower and I need your meter readings, can you give me them?’ I advised that I was at work at the moment and that that would not be possible as my home was not within the vicinity. Tyrone seemed alarmed by this and demanded I get the readings tonight and have them ready for a phone call from him again tomorrow… what excellent interpersonal skills NPower instil in people!
• The fact that people refer to me as ‘tiny.’ I’m not sure where this came from or who started it, but it pleases me. janey ALWAYS refers to me as ‘my tiny’ and potterton sent me a text last night referring to me as a ‘tiny princess.’

• JUSTIN SMITH ESQUIRE… for weeks I have been pining after this man… actual WEEKS! Since janey told me about him in December I decided that I needed to meet him. I needed to meet him and try to make him mine (despite the clear issue that is his sexual preference). I was out of control with excitement with janey sent me a message several weeks ago advising that she had talked about me to him in the shop (her fish shop) one day and that he had invited the two of us personally to the private viewing of his latest collection. Since that day I had been living in between states of excitement and terror about meeting him. Excitement because, I mean, have you SEEN this man?! Terror because the event would be taking place during London Fashion Week and OMGWHATWOULDIWEAR?! Every single day after returning from a hard day at work I would come home to try on a different outfit, wanting to ensure I picked out the PERFECT one. Perfect dress and makeup picked out and packed, I made my way to London last Friday… Saturday rolled around and I was roused with a cup of mango tea to battle my hangover… janey and I pranced to the carribean shop down the road to find some suitable glitz to wear to the event and then retired back to hers to slather my hair in blue dye and watch some atrocious music videos. When the hour finally rolled around, the two of us, dressed as cute as possible, marched to the bus to meet with Louisa Ryrie. After a short shopping excursion we retired to a pub just around the corner from Justin Smith’s flat and drank. We drank and waited… Missy arrived and then Thuy, which signalled the time for us to blaze a trail to the flat of the man I had begun referring to as my future husband. I was out of giddy with excitement as we walked up the stairs after being ushered in by a boy janey later advised was Justin Smith’s significant other. The stairs twisted and turned until we arrived to the very top where there lived mannequins and vintage beautiful aplenty. I was first through the door into his tiny flat, which had been decorated JUST perfectly… dark lighting and special little pieces of taxidermy scattered in specific places to make them look as though they had been haphazardly strewn (as someone who’s worked on set-design, I KNOW when someone has purposefully placed something to LOOK messy). Through the front door I came immediately into the studio where I saw him… he was stood there in the most perfect little outfit looking tinier and more precious than I ever could have imagined. I instantly spun around and started trying to point in my discreetly drunk manner (which I presume only came across as hysterical) to janey that he was behind me. My message was not clearly put across and we marched into the other room to look at the amazing items and fish. After a brief call with the muffin (which was strained and particularly difficult to pay attention to because it was just THEN that Justin Smith decided to walk out into the hallway, leaving him directly in my line of sight) I padded back upstairs to find janey ready to introduce me to him. we made our way back into his studio where janey gave me a VERY formal introduction and he shook my hand. I giggled and sputtered something about his work being amazing… he then told us to go up to his roof and have a fag, that he would be up in a minute. We scaled the ladder in our various foot-coverings and sparked up a fag each and took in the fact that we were on JUSTIN SMITH ESQ’S ROOF having a fag! He came upstairs and I immediately turned into a complete retard… I couldn’t string together more than once sentence and janey was telling him about the projects I work on and was demanding I tell him about the things I had crocheted. I told him about the doll/bear and then suddenly started talking about baking, for some reason finding it IMPERATIVE to tell him about my bacon and maple syrup cupcakes. He nodded and looked alarmed and said he had to go. I asked if I could have my photo with him and he obliged, wrapping his arm around me and making my life complete. Two flashes of the camera complete, we all traipsed down the ladder and us girls left, danie suitably reeling from the fact that she had officially met the most beautiful man in the world. I am now in the middle of writing him a letter, firstly, to thank him for inviting me and secondly, to ask him for a list. We shall see how that works out. 
• trips to london

• THE date… oh. My. GOD! I was a big, fat bundle of excitement all day Saturday… I KNEW that he would be getting his orders on that day and I KNEW that I should be expecting a call at any time after 1500. I waited, pined and drove janey crazy from the instant I woke up until we arrived at the pub round the corner from Justin Smith Esquire’s flat.  I kept telling janey that I was SURE he was going to ring whilst we were at Justin Smith’s… that I would be SO cross with him if he did… no more than three minutes after arriving at Justin Smith’s flat my phone begin ringing. I cursed very audibly and pranced halfway down the stairs and answered. His voice sounded perfect and wonderful. It had been days since I’d heard it. I had missed it. He said that we only had six minutes and a date. I told him to spit it out. He told me in a cranky, pouty voice that our fears had been founded and that he would be later than we had hoped (only by one week, but, it seems, enough to make his little voice and face sour). I squee’d and told him that it was perfect… that he was going to be here… and he IS… it all feels so much more real now. Now we have an actual date of arrival for the muffin I feel so much more… hrm… what’s the word? ARRRRRGH! Yeah, that’s it. I can’t actually believe it. At this time in two weeks I will be actually dying and completely unbearable. My co-workers have already started joking that they are all going to go off work for that last week and leave me to it. Post-phone call I went back upstairs and felt conflicted, emotional and fucking excited. MY muffin is going to be here in just over two weeks and I MIGHT die! SQUEE!
• Dressing up

• Louisa Ryrie… never, ever did I think I would see the day that Janey I’m-a-loose-cannon Hallam would call someone more of a loose cannon than her! yes, folks, that’s right… that day has come, the day when we realize that there is someone out there who is more of a loose cannon than janey…  I met Louisa through pow pow as she will be one of the stars of Johnny. She is a tiny, outrageously beautiful little ball of energy that I am in complete awe of. 
• Jane Muthafuckin' Hallam... so, SO big... let's just say there is nobody else in the WORLD that I could drink wine, eat chinese buns and wasabi peas with on a bus in central London late at night with. She is amazing and I adore her more than I adore most people. 

• My boys... tonight, just a mere hour ago i had two boys in my bed. yes, that's right... TWO boys. my beautiful pow pow and lee lee came over for din dins (chili, with a special vegan batch for my precious little vegan man) and then a movie in my room (as that is where all my movies are, on my PC, in my bedroom.) they snuggled onto my SUPER comfy bed and played instruments and we talked and watched a film and had a wonderful time. i adore lee lee so, so much. i love when he comes to visit and love the banter and cuddles we have... another date with him is scheduled for friday... SQUEE!
• chili
• when just the edges of leaves have frost on them
• the carribean shop in hackney
• dinner with the digby's
• country bakes from the canteen at workies
• drawing on envelopes before sending them
• having neon blue hair
• the anticipation of going on a trip the hours before you leave
• my hamburger ring
• long emails
• lists
• having access to other people's diaries on Outlook

• Guu Guu (janey's snake)
• Justin Smith Esq's flat
• my Amy Blackwell print
• Pow's girlfriend 
• Liam Sharp
• Cider
• sitting on the floor at St Pancras international train station with janey and being belligerent whilst waiting for my train
• the fall
• sellotape
• making pow smile with my wares
• postcards
• chinese buns
• sushi
• wasabi peas
• this photo... 

the things we did and didn't do...

I should start this by saying that I am hardly ever nervous about anything… ever. I am a fairly confident and with-it female who has her head locked on straight and in the upright position; I know how to rationalize things in a realistic and healthy manner…  

This is why I found it odd to feel my tummy gurgling with anxiety for the entirety of yesterday.

You see, Chris has a sister and her name is Maria. She is absolutely lovely and is the wife of a gentleman called John and the mother of three fabulously beautiful children named Oliver, Florence and Fergus. 

Now, maria and I have never been what one would call ‘close’ during the course of my seven years with Chris… we didn’t talk often and I think I can count on one hand the amount of times we have hung out. She is lovely and we would have very brief but altogether nice chats on the phone when I was around to answer during one of her phone calls, but overall, nay. 

This is why I found it rather odd to find her sending me texts and emails regularly about a week after Chris and I split up. Her emails and text were not prying… they were really lovely, in fact. She wanted to meet up and make sure I was well. It all came to a head when she enquired repeatedly until I obliged to a dinner out with her, her husband and the kids for last night. 

This was the source of my nerves… I am honestly not sure at all why I was so nervous… I don’t know if I had expected her to attack me or harass me until I broke down, but what I DID know is my tummy was full of ugly at the thought of meeting up with her. 

I mused about possible events at work throughout the day… Al (a fabulous creature that I share an office with) offering me insight and suggestions for dealing with it. I discussed with the muffin some and just resigned myself to a potentially stressful dinner and then home to work on the costume. 

That is until around half three when I received a text from Pow Pow… the text read…

‘Danie she loved it so much, she was giddy. She wants to thank you somehow. But I’m not allowed to say!x thank you.x so I’ll be back tonight if you wanted to do movies?x’

(It must first be noted that the ‘she’ he is referring to is his girlfriend, Amy, and the ‘it’ that he is referring to is the Chinook of glory. Several weeks ago I asked Pow if there was anything in particular he wanted me to make for him as I felt I was up for a challenge and he replied saying that his girlfriend really liked Chinooks. Whilst I was hesitant at first to share my wares out to a complete stranger, I agreed simply because of the precious pouty face that Pow has the ability to pull. I made the magical Chinook with special heart-shaped windows to be given to Amy for Valentine’s Day.)

I immediately rang him and we chatted a bit about how excited she was about it and then he asked how I was… I told him that I was nervous because of the din din and he said that he wanted me to ring him when I was done so he could offer a ‘pick me up’ (which, when Pow Pow is concerned, always involves snack attacks and omgphotos!) I said I would ring him when I was done. 

The walk to the restaurant felt like it took a billion years… in reality, it only took 32 minutes, but it was a long journey that prompted my ipod to play all the saddest songs it had on its playlist. That, combined with the dreary weather set the mood appropriately. I arrived with a suitable amount of gloom and stood patiently at the entrance, waiting for my masticating companions. 

Every single child that passed me was delighted and/or confused by me. My hair proved to be too much to most of the children that were participating in their parent’s patronage… I just smiled sweetly at all of them and waited. 

It had been three years since I saw them last. Florence was barely two, Oliver was still getting used to having a younger sister and Fergus wasn’t even a glimmer in Maria’s eye. They arrived together and I was greeted with smiling faces and tiny, precious voices telling me about their snow escapades from earlier in the day. 

We were shown to our table and I was situated in the circular booth between Oliver and Florence. As we perused the menus Florence proceeded to offer me her version of the Spanish inquisition. She asked me about why I had two necklaces, what the dog tags said, why I had blue hair, why I had a bird on my chest, did my tattoos hurt, why were all the holes in my ears difference sizes, why did my earrings not match, how did I do my nails, why did I have rubber bands on my wrist, was the starfish in my necklace real, how did I get it, how did it die… I could go on. It didn’t stop. I patiently obliged and discussed all topics danie-related with her. 

The meal went forward with conversations about my moving back to America, my job, projects I’m working on and what I did for the holidays. At one point, we got up to get salad and when I came back I shifted some of the coats and my handbag and they so happened to become positioned between myself and Florence. Flo demanded I move everything so she could be right next to me. I moved the objects to the other side and the inquisition continued.

 

Once we finished eating I held Fergus for a while. He threw a breadstick at my glasses and Maria took photos. Once I handed Fergus to his dad Flo decided she wanted to sit on my lap and she sat there and we talked about the toys I make and tattoos and took photos.

I so rarely spend time with children, but I feel like now, especially now, when I see children I NEED one. I embraced being able to play with them and talk to them last night… I just adore the fact that they are tiny versions of us that have just not been moulded yet. It amazes me and I just want one so bad… one that I can teach and snuggle and read to and just have as a part of my life. 

On our way out the door I sent Pow a text asking him if he was about ready for a visit from danie and he replied saying he was and that he was calling his dad so he might not hear me (this is only funny if you know the ‘code’ that was made up on my birthday… suffice it to say that it delights me to no end that he has started using my code. If you want to know more about the code, as a member of staff.).

I then hugged everyone and got in my taxi. I got in the taxi and immediately deflated… without thinking I said aloud, ‘well THAT was exhausting!’ and he asked if that was my family. Now Danie, being the outrageously open person she is (but also being familiar with this particular taxi driver), decided to tell the whole story about the divorce and the fact that that family was comprised of my estranged in-laws to this almost-stranger… he and I talked about divorces for the remainder of the journey and the fact that I was american and may be moving back. 

I am realising more and more how often I talk to strangers and tell them everything. Stacey finds it incredibly alarming that everyplace I go I find someone to talk to about things… I adore talking to people. It makes me incredibly happy. 

I arrived at Pow’s and I instantly put the kettle on and began the cups of tea streaming. I sat down whilst he did the washing-up and told him how tired and ‘saggy’ I felt. I explained why I was feeling so exhausted and we talked about that for a while… about my fears for moving back to america, my hesitations and general urgh! 

I showed him photos of the kids and said that I wanted one and he said, ‘well, you’ll have other people’s for a while now!’ I both love him and hate him for making this comment. I love that he knows that I will be a ‘step-mum’ of sorts to the muffin’s three children and I also love that he makes light of it when, in actual fact, I hate the fact that it is true… I WILL have to live through other people’s children. Sigh.

He and I talked about avatar (as he had just gotten home from seeing it). This film has been on my shit list since I saw the very first poster for it ages ago. I HATE fantasy films and I HATE the stupid blue faces of the characters. I vowed never, EVER to see it. He reckons I should go see it in the cinema in 3-d and that I would really like it. I might. We’ll see. He then noted that he saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland in 3-d which I have already reserved him for. We will have a fabulous dinner out (most likely at burger king or wetherspoons) and then go and watch some fabulous imagery whilst consuming hot dogs, popcorn and cola. 

We then talked for a while about his past relationships, Amy, Janey and my moving back to america and then put things on his calendar (namely, our mandible date for tonight, my leaving party (which prompted him to call me a bitch), my leaving date and my birthday).

Then his parents showed up. His mum bumbled into the house armed with wool… lots of wool. I had emailed her earlier in the day asking her if I could steal some of it for the bear blanket and she obliged. His dad was helping him with shifting some stuff up into the loft, so his mum and I sat downstairs and talked about wool, the playhouse, her other kids and the fact that she was amazed by how well and fast and I can crochet without watching. She is so, SO lovely. Both of his parents are; I love them so much!

Once they left we watched a bit of telly and then Ladykillers (the remake). We giggled a lot, ate snacks and then, when the film was finished, we filmed a video and took some super-sassy photos.

Around one a.m. I left and upon arriving home I uploaded the photos and retired to bed, bantering via text with Pow until I fell asleep. 

It’s days like that that I will miss… days that are full of lots of things but also full of… wonderful. Work. Meal. Pow. It was perfect. Just to have a friend like that, god I feel so lucky. 

In other news, it is a mere two days until the muffin gets his orders… a mere two days until I will know the exact day my world will stop revolving around anything but myself and my heart. 

All excitement aside it’s been a bit blargh this week between him and me. Like, we’ve talked some and it’s been nice, but we have both been so busy that we haven’t been able to dedicate quite as much time as usual to one another. I still send him long, fabulous emails several times a day, mostly because I LOVE talking, but he rarely responds with much more than a sentence or anything. He’s a busy boy, starting to prepare for leave, so I will leave him to it. 

Sigh… my heart feels heavy. 

Off to London tomorrow to see my janeyface and to cuddle her to death. I shall meet my future husband and eat buns until I explode. It will be wonderful and hopefully not TOO tense.

here comes your tuesday...

Missed a week again, hey? I DO apologize. I have just been full of busy and win. There is just so much occurring in my beautiful little life at the moment that I can barely stand. This list promises to be an excellent one… excellent and meaningful, perhaps?

 ·       Janeyface… since my last list I have had a fabulous weekend of glee starring myself and janey. It was a beautiful weekend that saw us perform our usual opening scene of getting drunk immediately and watching youtube then we had tattootime, a meal out, some drinkies then MORE tattootime. I find it so wonderful that I have someone like janey in my life… someone I can be completely myself with. We talked about it in our drunken state (in between conversations about the tattoos we want to get on our scalps and how much we HATE carribean drinks), about how happy we are to have met one another. I tend to be the one to prompt this conversation lately, purely because I am reflecting a great deal on how amazingly wonderful my life is and I know that it is only this amazing because of the beautiful creatures in my life. Janey is a big one… someone who I can honestly be completely myself around. There is nothing I have to hide or dull down when I am with her, I can just be 100% myself and I love that about her. Her and I always have so much fun together and have all the best conversations. I simply adore every single little thing about her. She is so smart and funny and stunningly beautiful… roll on Friday for another drinking session and the pursuit of my soul mate!

·       Mini rolls

 ·       Pow Pow… again… I think it is safe to say that mostly every single list from now on will feature this boy. He’s just made of actual magic. Over the last several weeks we have become incredibly close… we talk most days and when we don’t talk, we text… he’s just… sigh, he’s like the amazingly beautiful brother that I never had. We are just constantly on the same wavelength and I love that about us… I love that he contacts me when he’s down or needs someone to talk to. I love that he cooked dinner for me last night (a night understandably dubbed our ‘MEAT date’ due to the large proportions of MEAT that we consumed. For dinner we had sausages and mash with a side of MEAT. Post-dinner we proceeded to consume large quantities of ice cream, crisps, chocolate, biscuits, gummy sweets and cola… It was glorious)… I love that he and I are working so closely on Johnny. I love that he wants me to meet his girlfriend. I love that he trusts me. I love that when he hugs me and looks at me I can tell that he loves me just as much as I do him. He’s just the most special person ever and I have absolutely no idea where I would be without him. He inspires so many things in me and makes me feel so brilliant… he’s just what I need most days. He grounds me and makes me feel okay when I could very easily be flying off the handles. I only hope that I do the same for him.

·       Telling people how proud I am of them and how much I love them… I am on a mission at the moment to make sure that people know how much they mean to me… I want everyone to know that and how proud I am of them. It is such a simple gesture that makes people feel so good. Try it sometime; it makes you feel good because you can make someone else feel good.

·       Valentine’s Day 2010… oh yes, this V-Day was made entirely of win. The celebrations started on the 8^th when I asked the muffin to be my valentine. He obliged and I started planning… I wrote up a list of policies and procedures to be adhered to as per his request and then went on a mission to find as many sweet, cute things to do as possible. The clock ticked over to me beginning an email to the muffin, the first of a specified minimum of four that were to be sent. My typing was interrupted by a series of texts from powface and then a phone call. He and I chatted for a while and planned our next date and then we said goodnight and I resumed typing an opus to the love of my life. I typed, attached a lovely photo and then fell into bed for a restful night of slumber. I woke several hours later to two emails in my inbox and a series of fabulous posts on my facebook (this is particularly delightful for me due to the fact that, as he is in the middle of as separation as well, he is attempting to be as discreet as possible about our ‘relationship,’ so it is fairly SQUEE-worthy that he occasionally posts things onto my page that are of a romantic nature). At half eleven I had a knock on the door which ended up being a fabulous gentleman delivering a bunch of roses and lilies with a card addressed to ‘Dr. Butcher. I pranced up to my room with the flowers to find a teddy bear (who I have since named ‘moore’) and a box of chocolates inside. I immediately sent the muffin an email saying that he was the sweetest creature alive and we bantered via email for the following few hours before we had a series of phone calls featuring glee and multiple ‘I love you’s’ it was a fabulous Valentine’s Day and the first one I can remember being so lovely in a long time. Thanks muffin.

·       The fact that when I told Pow Pow I was going to be starting a street dancing class he said, ‘OMG you should TOTALLY do it! THAT’S a blog entry I’d like to read!’ who knew powface even READ my blog?!

·       Combine Harvesters

·       Jaacqy… oh what a special boy! On the five-year anniversary of my wedding last Thursday I got a call from my beautiful jaacqy asking if I wanted to go on a Disney date with him. What kind of a stupid idiot would say ‘no’ to an offer like THAT?! So post-work I made my way into town and meet him outside of Lush and we decided to retire to the pub for a quick pint before the cinema. We sat and drank our elderflower wonderful and mused about the glee surrounding the muffin’s arrival and Johnny and everything. It was so nice just to catch up with him and to be able to look at his little face and remember why I love him so much. After our pints we strolled to the cinema and watched a film that made me laugh, cry, squee and delight in the wonderful that is Disney again. I LOVE their return to 2-d cartoons and I ADORE that this was the film that had the first black princess. It was a magical film and I am so pleased jaacqy was the prince that I went to see it with. After the film he walked me to my taxi and we dubbed February 11^th OUR anniversary now. We took a photo to commemorate it and went our separate ways. I love jaacqy so much and I hate that I don’t get to see him as often as I would like. He is such a glittery, beautiful creature.

·       FINALLY seeing Dean in his little Johnny costume

·       The way Lee Lee’s letters smell… there is little I love more than to receive a letter in the post with that ever-so familiar penmanship on the envelope… I know IMMEDIATELY to smell it and cuddle it close. The magical combination of Lush and fags, one of my favourite smells at the moment, makes me a happy little lady. 

 ·       My snowflakes… oh my actual GOD I love my snowflakes. Despite the massive amounts of pain involved in getting them, they were totally worth it because I now have fabulous memories etched into my skin in the shape of Pow Pow, Johnny and Lee Lee.

·       The new Henry Rollins books… both of which I received from the muffin in his latest parcel. The first one, A Preferred Blur, is amazing because it is filled with his journals from 2006/07 when he was going through a very severe depressive state. It is interesting to read someone else’s journals from their own personal journeys through the landscapes I myself have become so familiar with over the last several years. It’s particularly special because Henry is someone who has really altered my life a great deal. At fifteen, when I got my hands on my first book by him (The Portable Henry Rollins), my life changed. It was at that age that I started writing with the intensity and emotion that I do now. It was his words that guided me down a path of self-exploration and reflection. He is an incredibly inspiring man and I love that he has allowed myself and so many other people into his personal life the way that he has.

·       The fact that, last night, when I mentioned to Pow Pow that I wanted to give him a book that changed my life he KNEW that it was Henry Rollins without a moment’s hesitation… that is something I didn’t even know I had told him and he knew. It proves that he actually DOES listen sometimes. <3

·       Stacey… my new housemate. Every single day she delights me with a new way of making me laugh. At first I was hesitant… you don’t live with someone for near-on six years and then find it easy to make a quick and smooth transition into a new lifestyle with a new person… it took me time. I was worried at first that our age difference would cause a ruckus in the household but over the last three weeks she has really grown on me. She deals with all my ridiculous hobbies and foibles in stride, attempts to get me to do new things (ie. Street dancing classes) and is just generally a fabulous little ball of wonderful energy. Her greatest and funniest comment to date came two nights ago when she beckoned me to see if was interested in having some curry that she planned to cook last night. I responded with a negative, reminding her I would be having MEAT with Pow Pow instead. She responded with shock and asked if Pow Pow ACTUALLY cooked, to which I replied that I was not sure, but if I was dead the next day, she would know why and perhaps I should write out a will… in response to this she said, and I quote, ‘oh yes! You should do that! Write another list! Things to avenge in your name in the event of your untimely death!’ and you can bet your sweet buns I DID write a list and post it on the wall in the dining room before i left for workies yesterday. She sent me a delighted text later on in the afternoon lol’ing about it. I reckon her and I will be just fine.

·       Photos that capture shadows well

·       My ability to touch-type

·       The way a dog holds it’s paw when it’s hurt

·       When the wind sometimes ‘pushes’ me along whilst I’m walking

·       Having tattoos in new places… I love it when I can look someplace that used to be bare and see something new there… obviously, when I very first got the massive one on my arm done the excitement was there constantly. Nearly two years on, the novelty of it has worn off (whilst I still DO have little fits of excitement from time to time when I see it, they are fewer and further between)… now though! My thighs are the owners of new ink babies and every time I prance in front of the mirror I fall in love with them!

·       The way Germans say ‘worried’

·       The ‘pump it up’ situation with janey… honestly, the worst thing I have ever, EVER consumed in my life. Janey and I fell in love with the bottles and their illicit photographs on the front the instant we saw them at that tiny carribean shop that Saturday in hackney… fell in love and were entranced by what exactly could live inside of them. As promised, janey arrived in derby with two bottles of beverage, Bedroom Bully (non-alcoholic, depicting a VERY sassy female in what appears to be bondage gear on the front) and Pump it Up (5% alcoholic with ingredients such as raw moon bush, strong back, giant wisp, poor-man-friend, blood wisp, bryal wisp, nerve wisp and tuna (yes, tuna) and depicting an inter-racial couple very near to intercourse on the front). After drinking a suitable amount of cider we decided to embark on the beverages of glory. We began with the Bedroom Bully, which was just like a stale ginger beer. I hate ginger, so I scowled a lot. Once all the Bedroom Bully had been consumed we moved on to the Pump it Up which promptly ruined our lives. The smell alone was something to behold. It smelled exactly like vinegar mixed with formaldehyde. I was forced to take the first sip and, for the first time in my life, actually heaved from the taste of something. It was actually the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life, ever. So now, I have a bottle of Pump it Up sat on my shelf with a mere four sips taken out of it… I presume it will live there now until the end of time.

·       Prairie dogs

·       Writing on napkins and Kleenex

·       Date-stamping things

·       Stacey’s list

·       Honesty

·       Steam rollers

·       Really beautiful half-cast boys

·       Fancy fingernails

·       Michael McIntyre

·       Cat noses

·       The fiery furnaces

·       Finishing a bear

·       Being back at workies

·       Ben and jerry’s half-baked ice cream

·       Pow’s face when he is doing something involving Johnny

·       Having my two best friends in one place at one time… Saturday before last played host to the fact that I would have BOTH of my best friends in one place at one time… I felt the time had come for Pow and janey to meet one another properly, so I orchestrated a fabulous meal out at a chinese buffet. I can’t honestly explain how wonderful it was to have them both together at once. Like, I love them both individually, but to actually share a space with my two favourite people in the world at one time, it’s mind-blowing. They got on like a house on fire and I am pleased. The world has been set straight now.

·       SEVENTEEN days!

·       Phone calls from Stephanie

·       Stalking Stephanie on her webcam

·       Holding newborn babies

·       Chris Tree... what a wonderful boy! I've always been fascinated by Tree... he's a quirky, fun, fooking HYSTERICAL boy that I met ages ago who seems to be friends with all of my friends. We like to banter in foul ways at one another and go out for lunch dates in city centre to watch the starlings. He and I participated in one of these dates last weekend and it was wonderful. We ate, had a cup of cocoa and took photos... it was thrilling and I hope we do it more before i depart!

 

five years ago today...

Five years ago today I never thought this is where I would be. 

On this day, at this time, five years ago I was in the middle of celebrating the fact that chris and I had just entered the world of wedded bliss… we had put the finishing touches on the venue where we would party until the wee hours of the morning. We were accepting hugs and cards from all our nearest and dearest who we had invited to share our special day with us. We were dancing our first dance as a married couple to ‘Je T'aime.’ We were happy and madly in love. 

I can remember that. I can remember very clearly now all the emotions I went through surrounding being away from him prior to my moving here…  I can remember the way it felt the day I got to the airport that final time, November 19^th 2004… I can remember exactly what it felt like the night before we got married when I arrived back at our flat... Danie, suitably drunk, was forbidden to go in because chris and his ‘stags’ were there and the clock had already ticked over to the day of our wedding... Nobody wanted to risk the possibility of bad luck, so they barricaded me outside, hysterical, on the steps for nearly twenty minutes until all the boys left and I was allowed to go in and collapse on my bed in an elated, almost-bride mess. 

I can remember waking up in the morning to the sound of my mobile going… the voice at the other end was my almost-husband. We talked in hushed tones about how excited we were… talked about our nights and how much we missed one another (despite the fact that we were mere YARDS apart) and mused about the wedding and how much fun it was going to be. I remember how much my head hurt the instant I hung up the phone, the previous night’s antics combined with the fact that someone had set off the fire alarm in our flat did not go down well. I remember the flurry of excitement that my bedroom immediately became the instant I put Pulp on and opened my door. Girls prancing in and out, hairspray, glitter, curling irons, something old, something borrowed, something new and the dress… my navy blue dress of wonder, to be paired only with my silver veil and shoes for the purpose of walking down the aisle and marrying him… chris… the boy I had met two years prior… the boy that had had the pull on me to drag me 8,000 miles away from all my family and friends with the promise of a wonderful life together. 

Five years ago today I never could have imagined that I would be two days into my decree nisi after being separated from my husband for five months. 

Today I have been desperately trying to clutch onto the memories of each of our previous four wedding anniversaries… what we did on them and how we celebrated the union of our lives… 

The first year I recall us having only recently moved into our first house together. 5 harcourt street played host to us celebrating our first 365 days together as man and wife… I recall getting him books and a card… he got me a card. Some sort of a meal was involved… perhaps even a meal out. I don’t remember anything else.

I have absolutely no memory of our second anniversary and how we celebrated it… I want to say that perhaps we went out for a meal? 

The third year was celebrated in ANOTHER new home… my current one. We had not long moved in again and we were still reeling from the glee that surrounded the amazing wonder of thick walls, a giant garden and a landlord that wasn’t satan. I recall this year being incredibly strained… we were very unhappy… struggling to have a day pass that didn’t feature and revolve around an argument about money, our sex life or dane. My precious kasey was due to arrive the next day and, from what I can recall, chris and I ordered in chinese food, were disgusted with the service and watched ‘Fido.’

The fourth and final anniversary we celebrated together was… hrm… again, I am struggling to recall. Again, I remember ordering food in and sitting in the lounge watching films with chevy. We laid on the floor with a serious pile of duvets and lots of snuggles and photos. THE Incident had taken place five months prior and we were still running on a fairly mechanical basis from that… I remember loving him that night; lying on the floor talking and loving the fact that I had his face there with me. I remember feeling pleased that I hadn’t left him in September. 

I think I could speak for both us of when I say that never on that night would we have dreamed that in a mere seven months we would be in that very same room deciding that we couldn’t do it anymore… that there simply wasn’t enough left in either of us. 

At one a.m. yesterday my mobile began to vibrate with the promise of a new text, when I grabbed it, expecting it to be another text from pow pow I was surprised to see ‘ESTRANGED’ as the sender. I had avoided sending him any form of communication on our Decree Nisi day as he had made it seem as though my contact was very unwelcome. 

The text simply read, ‘today was the day. Night.x’

Obviously, I knew he was referring to the penultimate stage of our divorce… the announcement of our intentions in court and the posting of a notice for the next six weeks and one day. I replied saying that he was sassy and I was going to say something but thought he might crap his pants (I’m delightful, yes?). The day dragged on with a series of texts and emails between him and I discussing his feelings about the whole thing… we decided to meet up for a drink in town. 

I arrived, snow-swept, to see him with a pint and a shot of whiskey, his favourite. We chatted about the projects we are each working on and about our significant others… it was nice, like that scene in ‘the breakup’ where they meet up at the end of the film and chat… it was like that. We talked and it was okay. At the end of it we hugged, we hugged and I waivered. The instant my arms were around him his smell enveloped me and I remembered everything… I remembered waking up on mornings when he had work before I had gotten up and going to the toilet to find it smelled so much like him. I used to stand in the hall for minutes just smelling the air. I remembered the day he came home with that cologne and how much we laughed at the others he had brought with it… their horrific, flowery stenches. We held one another for a short period and then I helped him out with his double bass and we hugged once more outside before he gave me a fabulous forehead kiss and went one way whilst I went the other. 

I feel like yesterday was important because I need to see him to offer myself… hrm… I don’t want to say  ‘closure’ because I feel like I’ve HAD that… I think I just need to be able to look at him and know absolutely that this is okay… I need to keep checking it, just to make sure. Like, I KNOW it’s okay, but I sometimes need to remind myself by going and seeing his face… I also really, REALLY don’t want to lose him as a friend. He has been huge in my life and we always got on when we weren’t trying to be husband and wife. I really don’t want to lose this amazingly funny, knowledgeable, fun person from my life. Like pow pow and janey, he’s another one of those people that I will never find another of. No matter what kind of ugly we have gone through in our time together, we are still the same people we always were and they are the people that initially started talking in that chatroom seven years ago.

Divorce aside, I have been living in between states of bliss. 

I am still counting down the days until my life actually turns into a Hollywood movie… until I get to be happier than I think I have ever been in my entire life… until my big, beautiful bag of muffins arrives. As of this moment, he will be leaving Iraq in (hopefully) twenty-two days. Leaving Iraq and making his way to my little part of the world that I have prepared specially for his visit. 

All things muffin-related have been incredible. I feel like at the moment, right now, there is no way I could love him any more than I already do… I arrived home last night with a parcel in my hands, a parcel that he had posted nearly three weeks prior. I waited until he got back online and whacked on my webcam so he could see my excited expressions and witness me following through with my ridiculous ‘smelling things’ ritual (yes, anytime I get anything new… ANYTHING. I have to smell it, smell it for ages). I opened the parcel to see a letter first… a letter addressed simply to ‘little bear’ in the most fabulous of handwriting. I opened it, smelled it and read it. Next was a shirt. Then a henry rollins book… one that is a special first edition signed by henry rollins. Then we had a patch that he has had since 2007 that displays his rank. Next to the patch was a pair of dogtags he had specially made for me… all items were smelled thoroughly and cuddled. 

Underneath these was the thing that destroyed me. It was a shirt that he had worn… I lifted it out and smelled it, I immediately began to cry. The smell was… fuck, I can’t even explain it. It was the very distinct smell of BOY that was new and was an actual, real smell that I could associate with him… this was a smell that he picked out and put on himself on a daily basis… a smell that was his and only his. The sweet combination of Iraqi laundry detergent, old spice and axe… the smell that is like no other smell I have ever smelled. A smell I can't seem to get enough of... I keep going back for more and more. 

I can't wait to be able to ACTUALLY smell him... to ACTUALLY have him here in front of me, at the mercy of my nose... that will make all my little life perfect. 

Muffin-related things aside, I am fabulous. Alastair and I have been busy working on Johnny things and that has just been amazing. We have gotten so close as a result of working on this together and that fact pleases me more than anything in the entire world. I love the friendship that he and i have developed... he's such a special boy.

So there we are... Danie, pleased beyond believe and humbled by the whole divorce thing.