great crap

1.What's the last mistake you made?
thinking that this separation was going to be easy.

2. Is the sun shining?
not even a little bit... it is a typical english fall day. shitty and overcast.

3. Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
oh yes. AND fast!

4. Do you like text messaging?
constantly. i heart it... and i heart being the fastest texter ever.

5. Are you having a good/bad hair day?
my hair and i have an agreement, i never give it any reason to be unhappy and it does the same for me. whilst some would define my hair as a mess at the moment, it has actually been trained to stand up in all the right places at the right times.

6. What was your last expensive purchase?
ohhh... expensive... um... perhaps my external hard drive, but that wasn't THAT much money. i will be making much more substantial purchases over the next couple of weeks... things like a new computer, new monitor and a deposit on a new flat.

7. Are you wearing any make-up right now?
none at all.

8. What are your plans for later?
um, i plan to crochet a tiny giraffe and chat with danish, try and eat something, listen to music and perhaps watch the last three episodes of roseanne.

9. Is your cell phone fully charged?
it appears to be... there are three bars, which typically denotes more than 80%.

10. Is there any drama within your life.
oh yes... big time.

11. What is a song they need to stop playing on the radio?
to be honest, i am not sure. i never listen to the radio.

12. Are you content with life right now?
eh, bits of it... once things become a bit more settled then i think i'll be okay. some parts are horrid but other parts are amazingly magical.

13. Does anyone like you?
i think so.

15. What did you do for new years?
ohhh... good question. nothing. we sat at home and most likely went to bed before midnight.

16. Ever been kissed under mistletoe?
yeah, a couple Christmases ago i bought some and hung it. chris was pissy because i hung it and then demanded he come into the room to see what i had done. long story short? we kissed.

17. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Would I ever NOT?

18. Ever done a random act of kindness?
yeah, i like to help people do things.

19. Do your toe nails have nail polish on them?
indeed... beautiful blue with magical glitter.

20. When’s the last time you shaved your legs?
four days ago.

21. Last curse word you said was?
shite.

22. Ever been in the middle of a love triangle?
yeah.

23. Are your lips chapped?
well they WEREN'T! now they are... cherry carmex to the rescue!

24. Do you own an iPod?
oh yes and i loves it more than most things.

25. Did you have a dream last night?
yeah. i woke up reeling quite heavily from it... i've been dreaming very vividly lately. i dreamed i went to Basra to see dane. he took me around and introduced me to people and we tried to take photos of us together in certain places on base. we kissed and held one another. once i had to go i sat outside the base. sat there and watched him work... someone came by and asked what i was doing and i said that i was in love with one of the soldiers in there... i can only assume by their reaction that they didn't realize it was a US army base camp, as they went nuts and so did the camp. the camp immediately decided to abandon and move on and everyone got on a huge bus... i chased after the bus and shouted to dane how much i loved him, and he got out and said he were staying with me forever. we walked and kissed... and then we went into this tent and danced and held each other.

26. Are you mad at anyone?
generally just dissappointed.

27. Who is the randomest person you know?
perhaps michael... literally, i just met him one night and fell in love with him. he used to be an actor in an old Australian soap opera and now tours for mama mia... yeah, THAT random.

28. Have you made an igloo before?
i once attempted at digging a tunnel through the snow. i generally just ended up wet and unhappy with som only a wee dog could fit into.

29. Done any spring cleaning lately?
a bit... despite the lack of spring, i've decided to clear out my life. divorces will do that to you.

30. Anything bothering you?
lots of things... the fact i haven't eaten more than 200 calories in one day for over 10 days, the fact that christopher is planning to meet his new female sunday, the fact that danish isn't online, the fact that i am so cold.... i could go on forever.

31. What are you looking forward to?
making my tiny giraffe and speaking to danish later.

32. Did you wish for anything last night on 11:11?
ummm... no. i was arguing with christopher.

33. Do you drink coffee on a regular basis?
i did when we first got the coffee machine but i got bored of it fairly quickly.

34. Put your iPod on shuffle whats the first song?
'girl from the north country' by the eels

35. What jewelry are you wearing?
my starfish necklace, four plugs and one earring.

36. Ate any exotic food lately?
i had a lot of exciting and what most would define as exotic foods when i went to dim sum in london a couple of weeks ago. baby squids and su mai. yum yum!

37. How many contacts do you have on AIM/MSN?
eh, like three, i never use either of those IM services.

38. Are you easily amused?
i can be... it depends on who i'm talking to and what the topic is...

39. Can you lick your elbow?
nobody can, it's impossible.

40. Do you know this song “we stay fly no lie you know this”?
not even a little bit.

eet

List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below)!

1. magnetic fields
2. andrew jackson jihad
3. concertina turner
4. regina spektor
5. new found glory
6. marilyn manson
7. richard cheese
8. the ataris
9. gogol bordello
10. ali pow3rs


-What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
'lunchbox. '

-What is your favourite song of 8?
ohhh... i'd have to say 'i remember you'

-What kind of impact has 1 left on your life?
they have completely changed my love of music... they are the single most amazingly beautiful band on the planet.

-What is your favourite lyric of 5?
'Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall'

-How many times have you seen 4 live?
none, but i plan to this next year...

-What is your favourite song by 7?
oh god... i think i have to go with 'down with the sickness.' it's classic.

-Is there any song by 3 that makes you sad?
all of them make me sad and happy at the same time. if i HAD to name one it would be 'the pirate song' purely because that was the song that jerry and i really synced together in. he and i were closest when we played this song.

-What is your favourite song by 9?
oh god... um... 'american wedding' or '60 revolutions'

-When did you first get into 1?
about two years ago... christopher had been listening to them for ages and kept telling me i'd like them but i refused to until i heard '100,000 fireflies' and fell in love.

-What is your favourite song by 4?
'samson'

-How many times have you seen 9 live?
four!! yay!

-Is there a song by 2 that makes you sad?
'fly my ass' does... it's just so beautiful.

-What is your favourite song of 1?
oh jesus... i'd have to say 'epitaph for my heart.' if you haven't heard it, go fucking listen to it right now. it is unbelievable.

-How did you become a fan of 10?
the instant i heard him singing in my lounge five years ago.

i would build a fort to protect you from the wind

Who was your last text from?
christopher... asking me what i was doing tonight, presumably so he could have free time to contact his female friend...
Is confidence cute?
i guess it CAN be... but not if it goes overboard... i HATE cocky people.

Your last ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
wonder why he's in england and go over to him and cuddle his face off with a big blanket until the fire quells. then i'd get some aloe vera and put it on any serious burns.

What is your relationship status?
separated... soon to be divorced... yay for me!

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
just about ten minutes ago. christopher was getting in my face shouting at me and i just wanted him to go...

What are you craving right now?
sleep, a fag, a cuddle, the desire to be hungry, for christopher to come to his senses and stop being such a fucking jerk...

What is the last beverage you had?
water... the last anything i had was water.

What are you listening to right now?
'epitaph for my heart' by the magnetic fields... their music kills at the moment.

Have you ever been led on?
indeed. it's not nice. lucky for you i'm such a forgiving creature.

Do you drink energy drinks?
no way jose! i literally hate them...

When is your birthday?
november 14th. hooray for it only being 30 days away!! yay!

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
indeed. perhaps dreaming more than thinking, but yes... i'll fill you in tomorrow.

If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
no... not at all.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
i wouldnt've have thought so. it depends on who it is. like, i'm not the kind of girl who goes kissing people willy nilly.

Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed, kissing someone else?
more than anyone could ever imagine... divorces suck. it hurt pretty hard when i saw him kissing some random female when we were still pretending to be together, and i imagine this would feel fairly similar.

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
i'd have told chris it was over sooner... or moved out sooner... i would've saved more money and most likely booked a train to my lee lee sooner.

Are you excited about anything today?
my next danish chat... which should be at some point later this morning...

Have you ever kissed an ex after breaking up?
yeah... i kiss chris sometimes, by force.

Do you currently have a hickey?
no way... they are so trashy.

What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?
like, seven hours? it was three nights after i met dane and we chatted for ages and he sang to me.

How many people are you texting?
right this second? nobody... there are some people you could say i am 'mid conversation' with... as in i have sent them a text and am awaiting a reply, but other than that, nobody. you'd have to be pretty crafty to be able to text AND fill one of these out at the same time.

Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone?
oh yes... and he apologies.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an M?
not that i can recall, not romantically anyway... like, i've kissed maral LOADS of times... but that's because she's super beautiful.

Do you always answer your phone?
typically. i heart phone calls and talking to people.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
oh yes, many, many times... it's fun.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
not that he'd admit it, but yes... a long time ago.

Is there a girl/boy you want?
maybe... :)

Where were you last night?
here, i'm always here at the moment. thus is the plight of someone who's in the middle of a separation and is having to watch her 'other half' fraternize with another person.

What is today's date?
october 15th

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self-checkout?
i tend to... i particularly enjoy it because i can muse about how much of a better checker-outer i am than anyone the store actually employs.

Anyone crushing on you?
mahaps? :)

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
it depends... what kind of wilderness are we talking and what have i got with me? if i have some sort of industrious friend with me, then yes... if not, then no.

What is your favorite color?
glitter.

Do you like your parents?
i love my mum SO much and my dad is a bit of a drifter, so i have no feelings either way.

Do you secretly like someone?
i openly like LOTS of someones... some more than others.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
my mum.

How long does it take you to shower?
OMG! when i actually have access to a shower i take aaaages. especially if it's a really good one that has a really brutal setting that beats the shit out of me.

What did you do on New Year's Eve?
ohhh... i think last year we just sat quietly around the house.

Can you speak any other language than English?
i can understand spanish when it's spoken to me, but i can't actually speak any of it.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
oh gosh... i'd say about eight hours... i slept big time last night.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
always!

Are you scared of flying?
not at all. i heart it.

What do you sleep in?
typically, whatever i've worn that day... well, whatever TOP i've worn and then a random pair of jammy bottoms or leggings.

Do you like funny people or serious people?
i like both equally. they both have their strong points.

What do you have planned for tonight?
by 'tonight' i will take it that you mean the tonight of this thursday the 15th of October. i plan to sit around, read, talk to dane, watch some telly maybe? write lee lee a letter. crochet a tiny giraffe.

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
yeah.

Do you have a favorite item of clothing?
i have MANY favourite items of clothing... many, many, many!

Do you like messages or comments better?
i like a bit of both. i just like it when people take the time to contact me.

Last movie you saw in theaters?
zombieland with my pow pow

Last thing you ate?
a piece of bread... or half a piece of bread.

Are you happy right now?
no.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping like woah.

Are you left handed?
oh no... not even a little.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
male, it was christopher. but that was a very incoherent talk... if you mean the first talk i remember, it was danish.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
yesterday. in the bath.

Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?
a few, yeah... meh...

What are you not looking forward to?
i kinda already answered this, but i'll answer it again. i'm looking forward to my danish chat, looking forward to seeing what he will reply to my email and i am mostly looking forward to making my tiny giraffe.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry and how do you feel about that?
i think i've seen all my best friends cry... it's not nice, but i like to be there for them if they want me to be.

Have you ever seen a zebra?
In a zoo, yeah...

Has anyone disappointed you recently?
oh yes... oh yes, yes, yes.

How late did you stay up last night & why?
i went to bed at ten last night... it was an early night because danish had to go to bed and i had nothing better to do...

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?
oh yes.

Where is your father right now?
in some state in america that starts with an 'm'

Are you a morning person or a night?
it totally depends on what swing of my emotional rollercoaster i'm on at that particular time. at the moment i'm a night person.

Are you there for your friends?
indeed!

Are you a forgiving person?
to a fault.

Are you a jealous person?
insanely.

Do you wish somebody would call you? Why?
yeah. i'd like to hear dane's voice... i'd like to speak to paige.

What's annoying you right now?
the fact that christopher is trying to woo a female just in the other room.

Do you love someone?
oh yes... lots and lots of someones. again, one or two more than others... maybe only one.

How many true friends do you have?
like, three?

i heart things tuesday... early or never!

this sign from burger king... that's the number one thing i heart this week. i spied it whilst i was waiting for alastair to finish in the toilet and fell immediately in love with it and it's specially uplifting wording. i heart the idea of being "today's special"

other things i heart...

danish, ashley, zombieland, chevy, buttons, the broken family band, popping my joints, web cams, songs with magical lyrics, getting a new mobile, sleeping, being cuddled up in bed with my blankets and a good book, seeing my consultant, hannah, letters from lee lee, being off work, when dates with alastair actually come through...

meh, that's it.

miss you more than an junkie misses heroin at a methadone clinic

it is amazing how much things can change in a week...

this time last week my biggest problem was worrying how i was going to get through another day at work but now... NOW! oh you KNOW there'll be a list...

1. it has come to light that christopher has been speaking to a female for about six days. a female he is planning romantic encounters with.
2. a female who he met on an online dating site that he signed up with a mere THREE days after we decided to separate.
3. a female who has now taken such a precedence in our house that i am often not allowed in the room when he is speaking to her.
4. a female who he plans to meet in real life this saturday. a female who is now creating a wedge in our home life so much that i have been forbidden to go out to a gig that she MIGHT be at just in case i cause i scene.
5. i have started talking to my danish muffin again... it's nice because he's someone i can literally talk to about everything in the world. when i talk to him i completely forget that i'm in the middle of a big, fat separation and feel like i'm a normal girl who has the best friend in the world. it is so strange how, no matter how many times he's fucked up, no matter how much he broke my heart, he's still the one i can never, ever get out of my head. he's the one who i will always worry about and the one who will always worry about me. he is my real-life version of ross and i'm rachel. no matter what happens, we always end up talking again and everything is forgotten. it's like a fabulous glove that i lose every so often but always fits my hand perfectly when i find it and i wonder why i ever stopped wearing it. he's really helped me with my low moods and talked me through some hard times. it's nice to have him back.
6. i've lost a stone (14lbs). i literally am not eating. nothing. at all. i can list everything i've eaten over the last week on one hand. i just have no appetite, and when i DO feel hungry and try to eat something i am finished within like, three bites. this only occurs once a day before i give up.
7. i've had swine flu, which has been fun. i got ill last wednesday and went off work, got my prescription of tami flu and set up post in my bedroom armed with every book by henry rollins and omgsomuchwater. it was glorious to just lie in bed and fall in and out of states of consciousness for three days straight. i haven't done it in so long and it was totally what i needed.
8. i saw zombieland! which was totally worth every penny and every bit of stress that was involved to get alastair out. jesus it was an incredible film. as a zombie film nazi, it didn't disappoint. i laughed, i cried and i "awwwww'd"
9. i saw my consultant who told me point blank that i looked terrible and how was i able to work at the moment? he signed me off for the next week and we will look into in more once i've seen a lady about CBT next monday. so, i guess we'll see.
10. i've put my lip ring in again, which is mostly exciting because, well, if you've ever stretched your ears, you'd know about that special 'pop' that happens when the jewellery finally goes in... yeah, that happened with my lip. it was amazing.

so there we are... a list of the most influential events of the last week. fabulous, no? needless to say, my energies and general desire for existence are waning.

i go through peaks and troughs in dealing with the separation, and they are all very willy-nilly. one minute i can be fine with it and i can be happy that chris is moving on or whatever it is he's doing... but in the blink of an eye i will fall into a puddle of weepy on the floor and can be inconsolable for anywhere up to an hour. the conflicting emotions are tearing me apart and i'm realising now that i need to be out of this environment. chris is unwilling to help me at all (unless, of course your definition of 'help' is attempting to illicit sex or force a cuddle on me) and that's what i need. i need to be cuddled when i need it or NOT cuddled when i don't need it. i need for him to NOT buy things that he plans to use on his dates with this female whilst in my company. i need for him to NOT make me feel unwelcome in my own home when he's talking to her.

i just need love.

it seems that is hard to come by these days as all my friends are either ill, lame, 8,000 miles away or busy. i keep hearing people tell me that i have this amazing network of supportive friends, but they are nowhere to be seen. ashley and han are the only people who have consistently been in contact with me and acted genuinely worried about me (bar my danish). i just feel all alone, abandoned and generally poopy.

blargh!

so nice, so smart

another tuesday and another week gone... it's been nearly three weeks and it feels like three years. i'm tired, worn out and feel more terrible every day. i never, ever thought that it would feel like this... like every day i was losing another part of me. today it was my will to fight. i have no energy anymore...

but i shall make a list, i need to make sure i try and keep something positive in my life... keep focusing on the small glimmers in the mud that has filled my world.

i heart...

• talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
• magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
• cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
• david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
• having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.

misc...watching people's lips move when they play guitar, stand-up comedy, watching lester sing, the smell of fireworks, the new season of Desperate Housewives!, LarryDavid, the broken family band, buckshot soup, banjos, laughing until i cry, daily OM, french accents, my ashbeast, emails from danish...

well, that's me spent... time for a date with my duvet, david sedaris and a megamix.

bigger than everything i have ever done before

Every day…every single day is harder than the last. Without fail.

I feel like a piece of wood that is being whittled down on a slow, but very steady pace. Being whittled down with a tiny, little jagged knife.

Like, I know I’m in control of my own destiny and how I feel. And I know that the things I go through are of my own making, but damnit, I want it to stop. My mind is just going constantly, without any time for a rest. It just goes on and on and despite my regular begging, it will not, for any reason slow or halt.

This would all be okay if I had actual, tangible ways of coping with them… a therapist, a friend, a punching bag. Like, I write, but I am far too lazy to write as much I really should

So many of my friends are just flaky and it is actually impossible to speak to Chris about the things that are really bothering me. He just tells me I’m being unreasonable and that I need to get a grip, which is exactly what I don’t need to hear right now. I don’t feel that the things I feel are unreasonable and who is he to tell me what is or isn’t a ‘healthy’ way to deal with this? As long as I am not out murdering people or harming small animals anything should be fair game, right?

Apparently not. Apparently I cannot voice how certain things upset me. Apparently I cannot talk about how unreasonable I feel he is being with some things without having it thrown back into my face and told not to forget my next psychologist appointment because I ‘really need it.’ Apparently I cannot just spend the evening hanging out alone without it somehow being thrown back at me that I am being passive aggressive and trying to hurt him. Apparently I cannot say ‘no’ to a cuddle without a further argument ensuing with him saying I am ‘throwing a pity party.’ Apparently I cannot do anything unless he approves it first.

Work is my only respite at the moment. It’s the only place I can go to get away from the horrible sinking feeling that I get from being at home. Work calms me and getting work done makes me feel like I have at least accomplished something that day.

London was just what I needed. The instant I got onto my bus I was relieved. I just turned my music on as loud as it would go and snoozed the three hours it was until I got to see my janeyface.

She greeted me with a dozen krispy kreme doughnuts and after a suitable amount of cuddles we retired to the first free park bench we could find and ate one each then smoked. It was perfect and just what I needed. We talked about how things had been at home (tense) and how work had been (nice as satankim was off for two weeks) and what specific things I wanted to do that particular afternoon (Chinatown and cake shop). It was just so splendid to see her. It had been far too long.

Post-fag we made out way to her fish shop where I was given the usual tour, which I always love. She keeps things that aren’t cichlids, which makes me happy. As much as I loves me some cichlids, I do get bored of them and yearn to see other swimmy creatures. I got to oogle her special fancy goldfish, all her rainbows, parrotfish and blind cave tetras (which she ordered in primarily because they are all I’ve been talking about since she gave me a book with them in about two years ago. I LOVE them and the fact that they have no eyes). I got to smile at her lionfish, clownfish and puffers. Once all the fish had been suitably inspected by myself we moved on to a cake shop that had been widely recommended by friends because of the massive, beautifully decorated cupcakes they sold. Let me just say now, that place was quite possibly the most disappointing place I have ever been in my life… even more so than Auschwitz. When we arrived there were only about five cakes in the window and about three dozen in the shop. Each cake had its own special appearance of staleness and fail. Deciding we couldn’t leave empty-handed, janey and I purchased shakes. She got a double chocolate malteaser and I got a bounty. Despite their fabulous candy namesakes, they were immediately branded as failures to me purely down to the fact that each one, which was only about the size of a child’s drink at McDonald’s, set us back £3.80. Outrageous.

We then moved on to Chinatown where I proceeded to purchase as many Chinese buns and as much sushi as I possibly could. Purchases in hand, jane and I toddled over to the bus stop to begin the journey back to Hackney.

Despite my tired feet (which my new amazingshoes make happier than anything ever) arriving at jane’s was lovely. We dropped all of our purchases off, kicked off our shoes and retired to the sofa for some serious tele-visual delight.

Sunday saw us up early, consuming a breakfast and on a bus before half nine. Our destination: London Zoo!! Because janey works at the zoo as a volunteer she was able to get us in the ‘backstage’ area which, as we bypassed all the regular patrons to enter, made me feel quite smug. I got to go to the roof and feed the chameleons and see all the venomous snakes and peer at the people from BEHIND the animal enclosures. It delighted me to no end.

Post-zootime we rushed to Chinatown again to meet up with Eleanor, Thuy and her new boy, Tristan (who is made of delightful and win). After a large amount of hugs and hand shakes we bombarded the Dim Sum restaurant in a colossal way and ate until we felt ill. We partook in most likely the most inappropriate conversations ever to be held in that restaurant and I took oh-so-many photos.

After we said our goodbyes to Thuy and Tristan, Eleanor, Janey and I pranced on towards Forbidden Planet so I could meet one of my internet friends in real life. Louisa Ryrie (whose name offered us limitless joy) is going to be one of the characters in Johneee, so we’ve been talking here and there about… well… stuff. Life and junk. She is just a beautiful little ball of energy and I couldn’t wait to meet her. We made our way to the shop she worked at and we searched. I told janey and Eleanor that we were to be on the lookout for a tiny girl with lots of tattoos and a pink Mohawk. I soon found her and was shocked by how tiny she was. It is so strange how, when you have never met someone but built up a repertoire with someone over a period of time… created this image in your head of what this person looks like or how tall they are or any various mix of things, and then you meet them and they are completely different. She and I have been talking for about six months now, I’ve seen photos of her, but I still couldn’t believe how tiny she was. I could have just folded her up and put her in my pocket. We chatted a bit, had a fag and then parted so she could finish her shift.

After meeting Louisa we were at a loss… where to go!? What to do?! We just ambled aimlessly. A list of our stops can be seen below:

• We went to Fopp, where I nabbed up some sexy deals in the form of DVD.
• We went to some precious shop that was full of all the cutest things in the world.
• We went to Cyber Candy where I spent an extortionate amount on some special American sweets that I’ve been craving for quite some time.
• We went to some clothes shop where we met a boy Eleanor went on a date with recently. He was super-precious and OMG so cleaver and funny. Win.
• We went to the royal ballet hall where Eleanor picked up guides to what was on over the next few months (this was for two reasons: 1. Eleanor studies at RADA and has been told that she should be attending at least one show a week for educational purposes; and 2. she has a family member coming to visit soon that she wants to take to the ballet)

After leaving the final shop I literally thought I was going to die. My feet were exhausted and I certainly hadn’t smoked enough fags that day. We saw Eleanor off in the direction of where she needed to go and got ourselves onto a bus.

Monday was another epic day of fun. We were up and out again by half nine, making our way to Walthamstow, which is a little burb of London that is comprised primarily of black people and secondarily of Chinese people. We love Walthamstow for one reason and one reason only… the Chinese Pound Shop. It is literally the best shop in the world as it is full of all the most strange, fun and random artefacts in the world.

Once we had walked nearly the entire length of Walthamstow, purchased a bag of buttons (the most beautiful buttons in the world) for £16.50 and found the greatest dress in the world, we made our way to the underground for the fifty-minute journey to Brixton (another burb made up entirely of black people). Our journey to Brixton was made because of a gentleman called Stafford who is a regular in Jane’s fish shop and has recently opened a Jamaican restaurant. He invited Janey to come in and have a free meal with some family and friends.

We arrived at his restaurant and were greeted and cuddled by this fabulous man who asked if we wanted us to trust him to which i promptly replied that no i didn't, as i am a fussy eater who hates fish and food that's too spicy. my honesty then awarded me many jibes throughout the rest of our meal. our stupendously glorious meal.

after our glorious meal we pranced back to hackney, stocked up on juice and chocolate and got down to tattooing. see, jane just bought a machine and loads of ink and what better canvas to practice on than danie, the one who cares not what happens to her body? yay! so janey coloured in some of the older stuff and did me a brand new tattoo for my alastiar. it was horrifically painful, but totally worth it. i loves it big time.

coming home has just been a snowball effect. i've just gotten more stressed, anxious and generally blah with every passing day. christopher has been trying to be lovely, but his idea of being lovely is a combination of being aloof and trying to cuddle me constantly... i want neither of these things.

he seems to have just completely gotten over the fact that the last seven years is over and there is no future anymore... he just acts like he doesn't care. i don't know what i expect him to act like... do i want to see him crying or self-harming? maybe... maybe i need to see that he cared about the last seven years. but he isn't... he is just turning into this person that i always wanted him to be again. he's growing his beard out, going out to gigs, smoking again... all the things i wanted and loved about him... just sparked up now that we ended things. i HATE that. i hate that he is suddenly turning into this person that he hasn't been with me for the last three years. i just hate it... all of it.

it's a big, fat mess and i am just stuck in the middle of it.... lost and quite terrified.

planning a trip to oxford to see my lee lee and thinking about going to see maral in paris. i'll see where i am in a week.

**sigh**