post-Christmas Tuesday...

holy GOD it's Tuesday and i'm finally, actually sitting down to do a list! Muffin and i are in the middle of watching a war film and the house needs tidying like nobody's business, but you know what? i have a list that i have been sitting on for bloody weeks.

anyways, here's my list. i've other shite i need to get done, so i'll get this guy out.


reheated pizza... but ONLY if it's been reheated in a microwave... none of that bullshit oven reheating for me!
matte nail varnish... which is literally the only thing i will paint my nails with at the moment. 
super tender chicken tenders
spicy ketchup
cherry tomatos
carpool lanes... because there is NOTHING more delightful than to be able to just pip into the far left lane when all the others are moving slow as fucking shit.
Mel Brooks
heels with jeans
Sweet Jim Beam Bacon Swiss Burger... god bless Ref Robin.
friendly managers
when stars reach out about illness Maroon 5 and adhd
cats on cat nip
Tom Hanks
disco balls
kissing Muffin when he has his beard... oh my GOD i love his beard so much!
neon signs
laying a stench egg as you're getting out of the car and ruining lives... because that stench egg just hatches in the car whilst you are happily doing your shopping and remains, sometimes fermenting until your return, at which time everyone's life is destroyed.
new magazine day
Carole King
local a capella rappers
mocking hipsters
tomato juice
collating the greatest parcel in the history of parcels... oh and i AM compiling the best parcel that has every been received by anybody. Janey, brace yourself for all the horribly inappropriate and epic items in the world.
Vincent Price
Sigourney Weaver
historical horror film documentaries... i've been watching a ton of documentaries recently about the history of the slasher film and it has been so much fun and so interesting.
Stephen King
the fact that everyone i work with smokes... it is always so nice to be able to go out on my break and find SOMEONE out there to bullshit with.
PUPPIES CRAWLING ALL OVER ME... and oh my GOD did i have that happen last week! i had three customers in my lane... the third and final one in my lane being a couple that each had a tiny, six-week-old puppy in their hands. i immediately begged them to let me snuggle them and had two puppies crawling all over me and chewing on my nose and ears. it was amazingly wonderful.
children with ginger hair
the black girl who comes in's hair... it is fucking huge and every single time she comes in i just tell her that i want her hair.
customers who take their hangers out for me... because it makes EVERYTHING go easier. when you go shopping and don't want your hangers, please, for the sake of the cashier, remove your hangers.
when a customer's change comes to forty-one cents... one quarter, one dime, one nickle and one penny. very satisfying.
COWBELL
old American foodball footage
opening my list the morning after a night out
the fact that everyone at work already knows about me and dogs... and how disgustingly obsessed i am with them. and how i will literally get no work done when a dog comes into the store.
the sound of geese flying over
 

Ersatz Danie

Ersatz (n) Serving as a substitute; synthetic; artificial.


a few facts about my recents and things i've clearly just been too fucking lazy to just sit down and post in the last several months, meaning that most everyone who USED to read my blog most likely has gotten bored with and forgot about me?


i've put on very nearly forty pounds... this leaves me completely unwilling to go out into public situations where people may notice that i've put on weight. i refuse as wildly as i can to go see friends or go to open mic nights. i post very few photos of myself. i take even less. i hate looking at myself in the mirror and avoid it as often as possible. my hair's ugly. my face is ugly and pudgy. my belly is embarrassing. when going out i layer as much as possible to make it look more as if i'm just sheltering a thinner body with tons of layers... nobody else needs to know that most of those layers are made of fat. i hate for Muffin to see me and am stifled only with shame when he DOES catch a glimpse of me in any state of undress.

i have a job now... which is actually going astoundingly well. i was officially offered the job on my birthday, which worked out to the best birthday present i could have imagined receiving... even if it DID have to come from a chain retail store. i work at Kmart as a cashier and have been kicking so much arse and taking so many names (literally, for rewards programmes) that they have told me they are ninety-eight percent sure they will be keeping me on after my original strictly-seasonal hiring scheme and they have already begun training me to work the service desk. it's pretty thrilling and no, it's not what i imagined my future would look like, but if it DOES work out, Muffin and i have plans that will boost our future into a fabulous superdrive... until then, i ring things up, stock shelves and maintain an energetically friendly demeanor.

my stuff is finally coming home to me... after a long and very painfully drawn-out several months, all of my stuff from England is officially in the United States and undergoing customs inspections so they can make their way across the country to my very eager open arms. there is no way to actually explain the excitement that i wake up with every morning, knowing that i will finally be able to wear that ONE green jacket, crochet with that ONE skein of blue wool and look through that ONE box of photos that i had sitting quietly in the drawer of my little white desk. on the other hand, i am occasionally filled with dread, imagining the amazingly devastating emotional tornado that will fill the McBlowme household when the first box is opened and i catch that very familiar sent of England and Pow... merely thinking of the way it will feel offers me a very special nausea in my stomach that terrifies me. it'll be a blessing and a final closing of a very, horribly painful chapter in my life that i am not looking forward to.

                                                                                                                                               

so, when you no doubt ask yourself what the title and definition at the top of this post have to do with anything... i will tell you that just these small examples of my currents, they are what are making me feel that i am existing completely not as myself... i feel completely alone, empty and lost right now.

the only time i feel grounded is with Muffin. he makes everything in my aching heart feel perfectly okay. i seem to have finally passed that huge, hideous hurdle that was thrown up last February into a place that feels safe, honest and completely real and i find myself more and more often dumbfounded for all the luck i have to have finally been able to start building a life with him.

but when i'm at work? when i've woken up and he's at school? when he's in the bath? i sit and have no idea who i am or what i'm doing. the level of disconnection i have from everything and everyone at the moment is completely foreign to me and i have no understanding of how to deal with it, except to ignore it.... ignoring it seems to be the only way that i might be able to get past it... except for when people point out that i seem to have died, it's then that i feel fucking retarded because there SEEMS to be no reason for me to have literally fallen apart, i just have. it just feels like it was overdue for me to.

people, very few people have reached out, but not far enough and i've just not their grip too.

i seem to have lost my grip on everything.

the loss of friends, the lack of inspiration, the excess of stimulation over the last several months (travel, visits, sights, sounds, smells) seem to have left me raw... and that's all i can say to explain it... everything happened in such a short span of time that i lost touch with reality and sanity. 

so please, don't give up on me... reach further and help me if you wish, otherwise, i really will be back, eventually.

fanks...

it's Thursday and it's the end of November, which means it MUST be Thanksgiving again.

Thanksgiving 2011 is notably better than the last two, by leaps and bounds... the original plan was for the McBlowmes to join forces with the Lunas to create a small, special day for the four of us to hang out and be thankful in the privacy of Sarah's kitchen and disablity-friendly apartment. plans change though, and the plans for a foursome turned to a sextette with the idea that we go to the home of Liz and Troy (Liz being tiny, asian and wonderful and Troy being tattoo'd, hysterical and completely fascinating to Muffin, given the fact that he is virtually a doctor who is our age and covered in tattoos... we met them when helping Sarah and Randy move house a couple of months ago.), given that they had unbelievable amounts of space in their new house and nobody else to share the holiday with.

it was with this that we all collectively created a Thanksgiving superdinner.

we ate, we were merry and wildly inappropriate. it was a wonderful night.

anyways, it's late now and i am typing with a stuffed belly, a buzzed mind and an overly-tired head, needing rest and snuggles, so have my list of things i am thankful for...

Job... probably the biggest news in my life at the moment... i've got a job, an actual job where i get to interact with people and take part in activities that i am paid for. the job came to be the best birthday present i could have hoped to receive from anyone when the HR Manager rang me and told me i had the job and asked if i could start the next day. i could, so i did. i've now been working for just over a week and i couldn't be happier. it's exhausting, but oh so wonderful to finally be able to come home at the end of a shift and feel like i actually accomplished something. it will be all the more special next week when i get my first official paycheck and i can finally feel like i am able to contribute to the McBlowme household.
Angel... the sister i didn't know i was missing... she found me a little less than a year ago and there is nothing i could be more happy about. she's such a special person and having her and her mother as a part of my life right now means more to me than they could ever know.
LaDonna... the sister i always had... the biggest, most amazingly beautiful shining star in my life's sky, she's fun, understanding and everything i could ever hope for in a best friend and sister (yeah, it makes me sound mushy and stuff, but i love my sister. she's special to me and i'd never, ever trade her in for anything or anyone, not even... nope, i can't even THINK of anything that could compare to her).
Muffin... the love of my life and my favourite reason to wake up every morning. he makes every single part of every day perfect just by being him.
Sarah... my bff, not just in Washington, but mostly everywhere. she's always there to talk to and listen and be wildly inappropriate with. she knows me so stupidly well and i love her for that.
Randy... mostly because we had a really special bonding session last night that came from a great talk and lots of hugs. he's a wonderful guy and i'm happy Sarah's married to him.
Diet Dr Pepper
my ability to make gravy... yeah, i can swoop into ANY household with a gravy-related issue and whip it right into shape, almost as if nothing was ever wrong.
cardigans... because SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS it's been goddamned cold here lately!
rain
sweet tea
Zyrtec
my memories... because they are pretty much the only thing i have left to hold on to anymore from England and from the last seven years of my life, my memories and photos. i'm missing things harder than usual right now and i feel so alone, but the memories i hold on to, they really dull that pain.
government benefits... because, for the love of god, had it not been for them, the last year would have been so much more ridiculously difficult for us... the foodstamps, unemployment and food bank really have made a lot of parts of our lives much easier and when i finally get the chance to step on a solid ground, i plan to contribute everything i can to the local food banks and whatever other charities i can. they make a massive difference and there is absolutely no shame in having to admit defeat and get help.

bleh. i need sleep. i may die.

i really hope everyone's thankful day was wonderful and full of yum yums and cuddles and love.

<3

are you really okay, tuesday?

it's been weeks and for that i apologize. not only has it been weeks, but it's also been months since an actual meaty, informative blog. so many things have come to pass since i posted anything of value... i got married, moved house, drove to and from Cheyenne, flew to and from Cheyenne, got a root canal and a bunch of other things that COULD be listed here, but won't, because i am actually going to kinda do an update right now. it could be good, it could be bad, i have no idea. my mind's just been racing and i need to vent it in a more constructive way, so that's what's going to happen right here.

i feel like, in the last seven or eight weeks i've been trying to very carefully hold myself together... to not fall to pieces. emotional pieces and physical pieces. i've been ill, weepy, tired and generally not great.

like, i've not been suicidal or so desperately miserable that i can't function... i've just been tired and sad a lot which has kind of left me moping around the house trying to piece together the parts of my existence that i still have any kind of control over. i guess i can offer an overview of what you've missed, hey? it may be scattered, but here it is...

we got married and it was wonderful. i got to share some very special time with some of the most important people in my life and those moments leading up to McBlowme wedded bliss and every moment during our wedding, which has been described as "like nothing that could have been done better by the Coen brothers and Tarantino, had they been working together." it was a day filled with tears, hugs, laughter and finally, the moment i've been waiting for for the last ten years... finally becoming his and finally having him become mine. it couldn't have been more perfect even if i had wanted it to be.

the McBlowmes moved house and we've been trying to get used to it for the last six-ish weeks. it's an adorable apartment within a huge community that i fell in love with immediately and now kinda hate. i don't hate it because of the window or the huge bathroom or even because of my very special crafting corner that's been established... i hate it because our neighbours are morons and it literally seems like there is not one single nice person living within a mile of us. the boys living above us are a pair of your stereotypical piece of crap young soldiers, just out of their parents house and apparently just learning about drinking and loud music, as that seems to be all they know how to audibly accost us pretty much every night. i've met a couple of our other neighbours, who i was REALLY hoping would turn out not crappy and terrible at communicating, but it seems i am doomed to not make any friends from within our apartment community. i guess if upstairs is a reflection of what the rest of the people here are like, i don't want them to be a part of my life.

also, a couple of weeks ago i had a kidney infection, which was REALLY special. i'd not had one of those in so long i'd almost forgotten what they were like. it started as an evening of dying on the sofa in between bouts of vomiting and freezing to death and ended with me in hospital with a temperature of 105.8, getting an EKG, CAT Scan and chest x-rays. i literally thought i was going to die and poor Muffin was such a trooper, staying up with me all night, nestled in next to me on my hospital bed despite being the most tired boy in the land.

the kidney infection left and Muffin shipped me off to Cheyenne so's i could spend some time with my sister and so's he could plan some birthday things. it was really, really nice just to be able to go and spend time with LaDonna and not have any other crap to do whilst i was there... however, i DID get to go on a glorious playdate with my beast to an amazing show called Beast Women, which you should totally look up and chase down whenever you get the chance. it was a marvelous collection of musicians, comedians, burlesque and sass that i am so pleased i got to see. 

in between everything else, i've been facing the loss of one friend and still mourning the loss of another. in my time in America it's been a struggle to find people to connect and talk to, living in an entirely new place again has completely destroyed my confidence and strength completely and when i finally felt i was connecting with one person, i guess i put too much stock in the fact that her and i connected and were able to talk candidly and now it's completely fallen apart. one of the few people in my own time zone that i felt i could talk to has decided to hate me and it's bashed any semblance of confidence that might have built up as a result of it.

eh, i think i'm just gonna do my Tuesday... this blog has turned out crap and not at all how i wanted. i'll sit down again soon and do a better one, i promise.

here, have my list...

hard-hitting anti-drug campaigns
how much Muffin makes me laugh
dahlias
Velveeta Cheesy Skillets adverts
when i get a wild tile on Words with Friends
new hoodies
my new laptop
iv's
Muffin sitting with me at the hospital
CAT Scans
friendly doctors and nurses
being in the situation to be able to buy gifts for other people
sending cards out on time
prompting Muffin to make good decisions
memories
my photos
REALLY curly hair
blow dryers
cats
Percoset
pork belly
The Addams Family
when sales clerks talk about poop
dogs with underbites
stop animation production
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Shannyn Sossamon
Reese's
The Roast of Charlie Sheen
Pike's Place Market
Chinatown
Raybans
glittery dresses
Chevy Chase
Rob Coddry
pickles on a burger
eggs on a burger
Alice: Madness Returns

MY tuesday...

it's documentary day! also, i'm in the middle of making flash cards for Muffin's medical terms course. my hand is sore as shit, but it's helping my penmanship and helps hubby, so i'm more than happy to keep on with it.

have a list!

tiny, elderly asian women
OMG LEMONADE... i've absolutely fallen completely in love with lemonade. i bought a random small bottle a few weeks ago after some serious citrus cravings and that sealed my fate... it's all i want to drink all the time, constantly. i now buy it two huge bottles at a time and drink the shit out of it, day and night. it's my favourite.
Meg Ryan
Benny and Joon
fried onions
rice noodles
doodling
Vietnam... the country and food, not the conflict. i've been crazy into documentaries recently and i've watched a few on Vietnam and the foods that are historical to the culture and scenery that is valued by the individuals. it looks like an amazing place to visit and i absolutely plan to one day.
Bizarre Foods
giving hugs
vegetable crisps
unpacking
banana bread
jordan almonds
Bridesmaids
when an actor's character's name in a film is the same as their real name
when a comedian laughs at their own jokes

Michelle Obama
seeing Booger... giving him away was really hard for me. it took a massive toll on me and left me feeling really empty when i'd come home and not find him bouncing around to greet me. Saturday we finally made our way out to the house of the family we gave him to and i got to squish his little face and be reassured by his incessant bouncing that he DOES remember me. it was no nice to see him so happy. he lives with a new bff who he prances and cuddles with and it really set my mind at ease that he went to the most perfect home possible.
Golden Girls
having my mum's old afghans

when i notice Muffin's thrown something away... because no matter what a good boy he is, he LOVES to forget to throw things away. we've had the same three deodorant tubes in the bathroom for the last year... all nearly empty, but not quite. i've harassed him constantly to finish them off, because when i attempted to toss them out he'd throw a fit. that's why i was surprised and delighted to see one of those tubes in the bin yesterday morning after he left for school. he's slowly getting there, being a big boy and throwing things away, and that pleases me.
Sakura brand pens
sushi
helping Muffin with schoolwork... it's fun because i get to learn too. i get to read his books and understand what he understands so that i can help him study. it's nice to learn again and gives me something really fun and fruitful to do with my days.
flash cards
full bookshelves
talking to Janey again... because words could not have ever explained how much i missed her. i missed being able to share stories with her, show photos to her and learn that she's been doing with her days. i hate that we have to be so far away and i can only say that i'm thankful that i at least get a weekly email from her. hopefully, i'll be able to see her sometime in the near future, but until then, this'll have to do .

hey, it's tuesday!

okay, so i've been rather lax recently with my blogs and for that i apologize. unpacking the house has really been consuming everything in my life... not that i've been unpacking very WELL, but i DO like to periodically escape from my lazy stupor on the sofa to unpack a random box here and there.

also, i had an impromptu date at the dentist office, which was nice. i'd been worried about my teeths for a little while, but LaDonna dragging me to the dentist a week prior to my wedding left me with the knowledge that my teeth are more of a trainwreck than i imagined they were. a $14,000 quote later left me with tiny knots in my tummy and uncertainty about the future of my mouth.

fast-forward about five weeks and here i sit with a pin in one of my teeth and vicodin coursing through my veins after having had my third root canal ever.

mouth issues aside, i have also been prancing to and from the dentist for appointment after appointment, the biggest of them being for my mental health... which reminds me, i have an appointment TODAY! i need to get this list done so's i can go to the doctor! i shall do a huge update post later tonight or tomorrow... keep your eyeballs peeled for THAT and enjoy THIS:


Alicia Silverstone
Blast From the Past
long drives/road trips... i've always loved long trips. i don't care what the mode of transport is, i just love being on the move. driving's always delightful and allows for roadstops and lots of red-light kisses, which makes me happy.
Muffin's smile... which i can never, ever get enough of. for years i had dreamed of what it would be like to have an all-access pass to his face and smile and... HIM, and here i am, finally, after all these years and i couldn't be more pleased.
the RKO Radio Pictures opening
lone trees on hills... particularly at sunset, when they are silhouetted against an orange-pink background.
Wyoming and Utah mountains
how much i enjoy farting... and ruining Muffin's life as a result. my favourite is to sneak them out secretly, unsure entirely of whether or not they will be stenchy, but always delighted if they are.
"breaking in" the new house... because who DOESN'T love to find all the new and excitingly special places to earmark as good or terribly awful sexytime spots in a new house?!
spending time with Sarah... and not just because she's my only friend here in Washington, but also because she is so much fun. i love that i can talk with her about when we were younger, mock people from years ago for their indiscretions and just sit and banter without any pre-conceived ideas of what our playdates should entail. she's amazing and i love her.
when pedestrians wave when i stop for them to cross... i heart polite people and when they can register that i am taking time out of MY busy schedule to yield for them to cross the road, i appreciate it.
fried pickles... because, PHWOAR! they are literally my favourite snack at the moment. completely my favourite!
corned beef
saurkraut
sweet potato fries
alcoholic shakes
when a server is wearing a hairnet... ESPECIALLY when it's a moustache-net
Pepe from the Muppets
how much bigger my ears are than Muffin's... his are 5/8 of an inch and MINE are an inch and-a-half and i couldn't be HAPPIER!
praying mantis(i?)
stretching my ears again... there's something wonderful about stretching and i'd forgotten about that magic. i love, love, LOVE taping my ears and feeling the burning and knowing that i will soon be able to fit into my new plugs (which i have lovingly placed on my bathroom counter for me to look at every day and aspire to, much like someone would do with an outfit they plan to slim down to fit into).
Pinterest? i'm still SLIGHTLY unsure of Pinterest and how i feel about it. at the moment, it seems to be fun for creating a scrapbook that i can't do anything with but look at online, and i don't tend to like those types of limitations, but i'll keep trucking on with it and seen how it works out for me.
The Green album... seriously, it's the new cover album for The Muppets and it's adorable.
when a sassy black woman calls me "baby girl"
my dentist
the way my dentist gave me my shot... so, when you go in to get your teeths drilled and you're sitting there on the chair all tense and suffering from a serious case of terror, the main thing that pushes you over the edge before that huge-assed needle jabs into your mouth IS that huge-assed needle running across your line of vision and into your mouth... you are left there helpless and gripped with fear. my dentist though, she was so calm and relaxed and talked to me whilst sneaking the needle complete out of my line of sight, into my mouth, making me numb before i ever had the chance to grip the arm cushions or widen my eyes with horror. she had the actual hands of an angel.
nitrous... i've not had it in years and when i saw that familiar mask next to my chair i immediately new i was in good hands. they put it on me and i fell into a dizzy world narrated by my iPod. it was so nice.
chocolate truffles
x-rays
the imalive.org whale advert
blueberries
old tattoo magazines
Julia Roberts
Dead Island... RARELY do i get so excited about a video game that i have to have it on pre-order for me to pick it up the day it comes out. actually, never in my life i have never in my life pre-ordered anything, so when i asked Muffin to please put a payment down on Dead Island nearly two months ago, he was a little taken aback. fast-forward to this last Tuesday when we picked it up from the shopping centre and rushed home so's i could fight zombies to my heart's content... i am SO full of glee for this game! it' such fun! go check it out!
Our Idiot Brother
George Clooney
Ray Bans
vegetable crisps
dolly-zoom shots
unpacking
vicodin

bleh! i need a fag and some more vicodin. have a beautiful week all!

<3

long-awaited Tuesday

okay, so i'm sitting in the goddamned ninety-one degree heat in a living room with two fans on me, wanting to die.

i'm typing these words in between hearing stupid fucking idiots driving down a residential road in a shitting four-wheeler.

my fingers and feet are swollen so bad i want to cut them off.

what do these three things mean? i'm in Cheyenne again! i'm in Cheyenne and i want to goddamn kill myself.

i always forget exactly how much Cheyenne makes me want to die until i arrive. until i smell that fabulous manure, see the moronic "goth..." things that run the streets and i can't go a block without seeing at LEAST one person i know. it is these things, amongst many others (the heat being the worst of them all at the moment) that mean i will never, ever be able to live in Cheyenne again, for the rest of my life.

the biggest saving grace has been my sister, who i will list about right NOW!

LaDonna... i love everything about her... the way she hoards amazing items, the way we have the same laugh, the way she smiles, the hugs she gives me, the INCREDIBLY deadpan way she can tell a fucking hysterical joke without flinching from her serious face and the way that no matter what, she's the biggest, most important part of my life, bar none. she knows more about me than i ever knew she would. we've developed this amazing closeness that i sometimes can't believe i'm lucky enough to have in my life. i love her so much.
respite from womb pain... you know? when you're writhing around on the sofa or bed dying and contemplating what spoon you would use to scoop out your womb? well, i love the brief moments in between THOSE moments where the pain stops and you can breath and unclench long enough to turn on your side and change the channel. those moments are special to me.
dolphins
knowing Booger went to a good home... for the second time in one year, two weeks ago, i had to give a pet away. it was SUCH a hard decision, but the instant i walked into her house with him clinging on to me like a baby monkey and i saw her tiny jack russell mix, i knew that i'd made the right choice. seeing him play with his new bff was really special to watch and despite how many tears i broke down and shed the instant i left her house, i know he's in the perfect home.
the Oscilloscope Laboratories opening
hatchet fish
Jeffry and Jack Lewis... who's music we stumbled on quite by accident but fell completely in love with immediately. i am the biggest lyrical hussy in the world, but when amazing lyrics are combined with cute, bouncy music, i can't help but imagine what it would be like to listen to that music constantly, for the rest of my life.
Bob Hope
when old, white drunk people try to swing dance
the guy who plays Candyman
Shaun White
the feeling of water releasing from my ear after a shower or swim
the sound of bacon frying
serial killer documentaries
Izzy and the Catostrophics
being able to sleep
when Muffin's hair is longer
talking to Carmen
cold water
hot as fuck showers
caramel
packing
unpacking
watching Roseanne with Muffin
croissants
Pepsi
lettuice
the first night in a new house
new kitchens... it's like traveling to a foreign land that you can make entirely your own
The Rock... the pizza place, NOT the actor/beefy stud.
guessing what makes up the flavours in foods... because there's a special kind of smug set aside for people who are as obsessed with foods and flavours as me!
lightening
seeing cats pant
being licked by a cat
the mountains in Wyoming
Camel menthol crush cigarettes
wind chimes
the sound of a cork coming out of a glass bottle


okay, i need to go sit outside! i hope this has been a satisfactory blog for all of you readers and i'm so totally sorry for going so long without posting! moving house and getting married and traveling are SO time-consuming!

<3