so then...

so i spoke with vivian last night online... vivian is my dad's wife. she is very nice... made me sad though... she is a very down woman. she is excited to have me in the family; apparently, she has always wanted a daughter, and now she feels like she has one. :) eh, i am going to get the privilege to tell me mum about speaking with my dad tomorrow. or today, i guess... hee hee... i am going to go out to lunch with her and other people from the facility and then i will go back with her. i am so nervous. she is totally going to wig out! we will see... i think it is better that she knows though. wow! i am leaving in eleven days now! **is pleased with her counting abilities** chris is getting wildly excited, but a little nervous. i can hear it in his voice when i speak with him. he is very afraid. i had to let him know today that he is not alone and i am terribly afraid. and i am... perhaps not so much about getting there and not loving him, because i know that is not going to be the case. i am afraid more of the future i have now. the things that i can see happening... the decisions that i know i am not going to have to make, not just for me either anymore... some of the decisions i make now are for us, chris AND me. :) that pleases me to think about that. to be able to think about that and the possibility of things to occur. i have been thinking a lot about shawn today. i worry about him. i hate that he now hates me... that makes me sad, but what can i do? i love him lots and so i cannot force him to like me and want to be my friend. heh... well, i think i am outta here... i miss you kevin, if you ever get to read this! phone me sometime before i leave. i would enjoy that a lot! awww... and a special hello to the lovely fellow whose journal i read. yes, i do live in wyoming, and yes i do read it all the time... every day, in fact. have a splendid day, sir! **blows special kisses to kevin and then more to everyone else**