25: What Troubles did you have with your parents?

oh my!

there were a massive amount of problems when it came to my parents as a child.

my father was never around and when he was, it was only for the purpose of trying to see me (which usually involved him attempting to snatch me from various locations). my father was never officially in the picture, he was more-or-less just someone who my mum painted a very frightening picture of for me... which is most likely one of the reasons that i was terrified to go anywhere in public.

my mum fell very ill when i was very young and i was immediately thrust into a position of carer for her. she only got sicker and sicker which made my life more difficult.

so there we are... deadbeat dad and sick mum... those were my troubles.

i heart things and things TUESDAY!! the revival!

okay, i am starting this again as it seems the right time. i am in the process of getting myself better and in a way, one of the best ways to make yourself better is to focus on as many good things as possible. so here we go! weeeeeeeeeee!

• i heart husband! he has been absolutely, unbelieveably the strongest, most consistent thing in my life since my most recent breakdown. he may not agree and may say that he has spent a lot of the time feeling very unsure of himself and like he is worthless (as i have had a nack for making him feel like this), but he REALLY has gone the extra mile to try as many different things as he can to make sure that i am getting through this. although sometimes he has tried things that have just not worked and made me arsey, i still have to credit him for trying and sticking with me whilst i have turned into satan. he is a fabulous creature and i could never, ever tell him i love him enough.
• the fact that augusten burroughs emailed me!! i still cannot get over the fact that someone like him could have actually been willing to take the time to email me and not treat me like the scratty stuff he'd scrape off the bottom of his shoe. oh how exciting!
• andrew jackson jihad! there is actually no better band in the world at the moment! they are the greatest, most fun, hysterical band ever. all their lyrics are incredible and i just absolutely love them.
• starting new medication! i both heart and hate this. at the moment i heart it mostly because i feel positive about it. i feel like this may be the one that sticks and gets me onto the next stage of my treatment. i am on an anti-depressant that i used to be on in america and it worked a treat. alongside this, the doctor has given me some valium for my anxiety. this, i enjoy mostly because it is identified by most people as quite a 'crazy' medicine, so the fact that i am on it is delightful. i've only taken one and it worked alright, i guess. watch this space.
• feeding our goldfish! it is mostly fun and exciting because they get themselves so worked up that i have to cackle at them. before i feed them they just sit there in a little huddle in the corner of the tank and STARE. they stare and shake their little fishy bums until they see me grab the food container which sends them wild and they fling themselves around the tank in a wild frenzy. post-feed they spend their time hunting through the rocks and sand to find the last, tiny morsels that will get them through the rest of the day.
• 1000 awesome things!! which is pretty much the greatest website at the moment! it just goes over some of the most splendid things that make you feel all excited for knowing exactly what he is on about.

Honourable mentions!!

penpals, twix, my sister, my lists, coca cola, having a sick day, lying in bed, tidying, spore, random delightful documentaries on telly, stripey shirts, getting excited about another trip to london, getting emails from my niece, fast downloading speeds, roseanne, foreign films...

Baked and destroyed

well, for the love of god i took long enough to update, didn't i?! for anybody who actually takes the time to read this, i really, honestly do apologise. i promised myself every morning that as soon as i left work that evening i would come and get on the computer to post a blog. obviously, that never happened... but here i am now. has it really been three freaking months?! i actually can't believe it! let's re-cap what has been happening these last few months, shall we?

March

• i generally just slowly bobbed along, trying to make sure i didn't bump into anything that would make my life more horrible than it needed to be.
• i got a letter form Dr Denny in response to my previously posted letter, which generally said i was lying and that he was referring me onto a new consultant. YAY!
• Satankim went off work for a month! her holiday began march 17th and she went to Australia on a holiday she did nothing but complain about for the two months prior to her flight-date. her holiday featured TWO cruises and endless tours all over the land i oh-so-badly want to visit.
• i was introduced to the glorious band that is Andrew Jackson Jihad who as just the most witty, funny, dancy, fabulous band ever! look them up immediately!

April

• Jerryfest FINALLY happened and it featured a massive amount of glorious dancing, prancing and eating.
• i baked 100 cupcakes at the Aga shop for Jerryfest and made everyone happier than they knew it was possible to be.
• had an unexpectedly longer visit from claire and mark due to Ryanair being satan (they got to the airport and checked in then waited for their flight. the boarding call occurred, everyone began boarding and then the flight people just STOPPED boarding with six people left. the flight was not full, they just didn't feel like boarding anymore people, i guess.). so they came back to ours and we pranced for several days in a musical flurry.
• we got a new guinea pig who is a stupendously precious creature who i bought only on a whim when i saw her cowering in the corner of an entirely empty cage. the backstory of her life is as such

once upon a time, there was a tiny princess-like guinea pig born who was yet to be named. she was ginger and incredibly cuddly but she was also the tiniest little guinea pig of the litter. all the other pigs hated her and made fun of her tiny face and her even tinier feet. she just continued to prance and dig in the hay, knowing that one day she would be loved.
-ENTER DANIE- 4:45pm, Pets at Home, Derby, UK

the shop had been open all day, all her brothers and sisters had been sold within a timely manner and an excitable american pranced in and sees her tiny, beautiful red eyes and knows that she must be hers.

and to be honest, that was the end of that story and the beginning of a new one. she is tiny and we called her Chopper... named because of her tiny ears which had been mostly chewed off by her siblings due to her small size and bizarre social habits. initially, she was tiny and awkward with the other two ladies, but she has now become one of the family. she is the noisiest of all of our pets and the most fabulously lovely as well (bar chevy, of course!)

• the show that was filmed last JULY finally aired and it was exciting. it was only an hour-long show that was meant to be a look at the drinking habits of females of all ages but our bit was about twelve minutes long and oh-so-fabulous! i had a lot of air-time due to my being american and having the ability to discuss the difference in drinking habits between here and the states. it was incredibly exciting.
• i was harassed constantly with phrases such as 'hey, aren't you that girl from the telly?!' and 'didn't i see you on t.v. the other night?' to which i always blurted in the most excited manner that i could that i was, indeed the female from telly and they should all fawn after me as i am now famous.
• Satankim returned from Australia with nay a postcard or foreign treat. bitch.
• we celebrated Easter in a very special fashion by having a brilliant easter-basket swap and meal. the meal was bountious and i baked a cake that ended up actually being the greatest carrot cake that has ever been baked or eaten by anybody, ever.
• i got my newest and most loved tattoo of the moment for Jerry.
• we got a new printer/scanner/photocopier which has made it possible for me to FINALLY put all my lists up and print things in colour! be jealous!

MAY!

• i had my very first appointment with my new consultant, dr gillespie. he is a REALLY lovely man who immediatly apologised for the problems i have been having with dr denny and said that it is clear i need help and he is going to give it to me.
• i had an interview as directorate secretary for surgical services at the hospital which went incredibly well but i did not get the job for.
• i went out on a stupendous evening with jaacq, powers, lee lee and everyone else. an evening which was amazing for many reasons.... 1) i LOVE seeing my jaacq! 2) i got to see ali's new band, dulcinea, play for the first time (fabulous!) 3) it was like EVERYONE was out and i just got to prance around and feel normal for a while. overall, it was just the best night in a while. i loved it.

• EUROVISION!
• we got a new video card which has made my life about 800,000,000,000 times better. this is because i can now fully immerse myself in games such as spore (!!!), Sims 2 (PLUS expansion packs), stubbs the zombie and diablo 2 (which isn't really as a result of the video card, we just remembered to download it again)
• i went to see 'drag me to hell' with powers. that film is actually a bag of crap and i have never been so disappointed with a film in my life.
• i started a new anti-depressant. we shall see.
• we got the new fishy!! husband and i had a random outing to a big fish shop near our house and saw a flurry of oscars (a breed we have been lusting after for some time now. the only reason we have avoided getting one until now is because they get HUGE and need a big tank.). we pretty much instantly fell in love and picked the most handsome of the bunch to come live with us. he was put into the old tank and named Chikatilo (after my favourite serial killer)
• we moved into the new building at work. it was a sad day, but the new building is REALLY huge and lovely. i like it a lot!
• i emailed augusten burroughs on the off-chance, to see if he would be willing to write me a list and HE REPLIED!!!

JUNE!!!

• i went to see 'coraline' with powers and lee lee. it was fairly exciting, mostly due to the fact that it was the first 3d film i have ever been to. i wanted to steal the glasses but they had glasses nazis at all exits so at to prevent miscreants like myself from popping them into my bag.
• i had my first appointment with my new CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who is rather lovely. she says that although it seems it is clear i have depressive problems, i appear to have control over it and knowing when i need to get help and there is not a lot she can do for me. she will keep seeing me for another month and then see where we are.
• we got a new, giant fish tank which has made our lives about a million times better. we have put Chik in it and the giant catfish.
• i have started taking chevy out into the garden with a lead on. he is mostly delighted about it. i am attempting to train him in the art of being well-behaved so i can take him to the park on the lead eventually. husband will have no part of this.

and that's it. my life in a general nutshell.

i PROMISE i will keep you up-to-date more often and better from now on, i PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE!!!!

you're a part time lover and a full time friend

well, here i am again, posting a less horrible, although still slightly dishevelled blog.

i have been really trying to make myself feel less horrific. it has been difficult but do-able. it has only been do-able with the help of some very special people.

husband has really been making things easy for me... not without a big freaking struggle though. for the last several years i have been building this pretend wall up around my emotions, making sure that nobody has to see or have anything to do with them. the problem with this is that they would occasionally go a bit nuts and try to make a break for it, bursting through bits of the ever-so-carefully constructed wall, not only hurting me, but hurting all the people around me.

i would become venemous, ugly and really, incredibly hurtful. typically, this horror would stay safely within it's cage until i was within the confines of my home, but the last couple of weeks have involved me being at a loose end at all times. everywhere. at work, with friends, in town, alone... all the time. nobody was spared my emotions.

i hate it. i hate what it did to husband. having to make him feel like everything was his fault and that he couldn't do anything right, ever. he has really stuck by me and made a lot of things better, but it has taken a lot of work. i am really making a push to make everything right for us now.

before i could make things right with him, i had to start somewhere small though. i started at work, trying to just keep my head down and get work done... which has been really helpful. i have been focusing a lot on the projects that i have been handed and it is really making things better work-wise. i am being handed even more, important projects and i am really enjoying it.

once i had learned to control myself within the work environment, i tried to span that out into more friendly environments... i went to Ali's house and spent a day watching films and just enjoying not having to be a jerk. time with Ali is special anyways... he really just makes things feel better because i can talk to him and it feels nice. or i can just sit with him and NOT talk and it still feels nice. we watched films and talked about the comic and just really had a nice time.

now though, i am making all things magical again. things with husband are fabulous. he has really been supporting me through my medication changes and is making it all really easy for me. i love him something chronic, let me tell you.

so things relating to danie are slowly getting better. slowly. but they ARE getting better. i am consuming myself with lots of projects and really just trying to make myself feel less useless and awful. i am not feel 100% at all... not even 50% but something i learned from treatment is that you have to sometimes 'fake it to make it.' eventually it will all become a learned behaviour and it will all work out.

i am still feeling completely drained all the time, but less anxious. just tired.

still moving slow, like i am on autopilot. i'm still not reliable at all, whatsoever. hopefully, i will build up to that though.

a letter to my consultant

yesterday i spend a great deal of time writing a letter to my consultant. it read as follows:

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Dear Dr Denny,

i am writing in hopes that i might be able to achieve the level of support that i feel is needed given my circumstances.

over the last several years i have been seeing yourself and/or a GP regarding my depression and previously diagnosed Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder). i have met with yourself approximately six times and your StR (Dr. Neena Irshad) once. quite possibly the third time i met with you, you told me that i was a 'weird case' regarding my manic depression and that you 'didn't know what to do with me,' which, i would hope you could understand, was a little disheartening and also quite unprofessional. you stated that despite my diagnosis, your 'weird' claim came from the fact that i had no desire to harm myself or others.

after you signed me off from work for one month at the end of 2007, i met up with you and you had stated that i seemed 'okay' and that i would not need to see you as much, but if i felt at any that i did, i was more than welcome to contact your secretary for an appointment. i returned for one more appointment approximately three months later where it was reiterated that i seemed 'okay' to you and that i did not need to see you for at least six months, if at all. i was apprehensive, but accepted this.

after approximately a month i began feeling down again. i contacted your secretary, sue turner, and she advised me that she would send out an appointment. after several weeks i received nothing. i contacted her once more, still to no avail.

as a result, i decided i wanted a 'second opinion' as it were. i went and spoke to my GP, Dr Girn and asked to see another consultant. he advised me of the fact that this would be fairly impossible due to the postcode divisions you have set up between yourselves and the practices across derby. i said that despite this, i wanted to see someone else. he said that he would arrange something and promised me via telephone after my appointment that within one week i would receive a letter from the Mental Health Trust referring me to another consultant. five weeks passed and i received nothing and had no telephone calls explaning why. i went back to my GP and he advised me that two weeks prior to me sitting in his office, you had met up with several other individuals to 'discuss my case' and it was decided that i would have to see you once more before being referred on. i explained that i desperately felt like i needed help. he advised that he would write you a letter and i should wait two weeks before contacting your secretary to arrange an appointment.

immediately after this appointment i contacted Cynthia Fern, who has stepped in during Sue's absence. i advised her that i would like it if she could arrange an appointment for me as soon as possible. she contacted me the following day offering me an appointment for the following week. i accepted.

at this appointment i explaned to you the problems i am dealing with and you advised me that you did not believe i had Manic Depression but that i had a 'Personality Disorder' and that all i needed was Psychotherapy. you claimed that the waiting list for Psychotherapy was a minimum of three months and 'you guessed you could' put me on the waiting list if i wanted. you claimed that medication changes were not needed, but could help with my agression problems. you clearly stated to me the changes in personality i might or might not face and the possible outcomes.

during this meeting, i felt very uncomfortable and as though you were unwilling to support me outside of very basic means. i felt that i had explaned some very serious problems i was facing and rather than assisting in any way, you suggested the things that would be easiest to do with the minimal amount of work or assistance on your behalf.

i am going to advise you once more what 'symptoms' i have been 'suffering' with for the last four/five weeks in hopes that you might have a serious think about what help you can offer me.

• feelings of complete hopelessness, worthlessness and apathy. i constantly feel as though i cannot do anything right, so i often do not bother doing anything outside of work bar watch telly. i have no desite to ever leave the house, eat, see or talk to friends or even cuddle my rabbit.
• i take no pleasure in doing anything i used to like anymore. including work.
• constant feelings of sadness. i cry all the time. if i had to put a period of time on it, i would say that i spend approximately three to five hours a day crying.
• i am constantly anxious, suspecious, paranoid and aggressive with people. i feel as though everyone is talking about me behind my back and i am always asking questions to try to 'get information' regarding this from them. i am always worried that people can see all my flaws all the time and are talking about them. this has become particularly difficult at work because i have constant fears that they are meeting to dicsuss firing me. my mind is constantly running on ways that i have done things wrong, ways i have made people antry or ways that i should do things better.
• i am still aggressive. i would say, if anything, i am much worse. i have spurred on many arguments with my husband and it is putting a massive strain on our relationship. i push him constantly and become overly moody with him. we have not had a 'good day' in over a month due to my mood. he tries but my fears of doing things wrong make me push him away. often times i will be come completely belligerent and begin crying and threatening him, resulting in me sobbing in a seperate room for several hours while he becomes increasingly frustrated.
• as a result of many of the problems, my husband has been trying to talk me through this reasonably which only winds me up and then makes me feel even more worthless and as a result i begin thinking about ways i could kill myself and why it would be better for him. these suicidal thoughts have been a constant for me for the last five weeks or so.
• i am very forgetful at the moment. often due to a combination of all of the above.
• i am not and have not been sleeping for the last three weeks. i have tried many things to aid me through the night but nothing has worked. things i have tried include Calms Forte, Melatonin, Horlicks and NyQuil. alongside these ingestible remedies, i have also tried sleeping on different beds in different rooms in the house as well as the couch.

i woudl appreciate it greatly if you could please take into account all of the above-stated 'symptoms' when choosing what to do with me next.

the troubles i am encountering are causing problems at work and within my home, which may result in a loss of both of them if not remedied or shown to be remedied soon.

if you still do not feel that i need help beyond Psychotherapy and increased medication, please let me know as soon as possible so i might request a second opinion again, request access to my Mental Health Records and possibly file a complain for the poor quality of service i have been supplied with in the time i have been an outpatient.

i am very aware of how different the Health Services run between here and America, and i am also aware that you are all very reluctant to assist unless you absolutely have to and i am telling you that i need your help to get better. my life is falling apart and i feel there is no way out. i have no means to pay for private care which would assuredly get me what i need, so i have to hope you and the rest of the truse as a whole will help me and get me through this.


Thank you.


Danielle Butcher.

oh my sweet jesus!

i am SO sorry i have been dead lately... well, for over a month. i have been ill and working and ill again and OMG i will hella post a blog about it either tonight or tomorrow (but most likely tomorrow, as husband will be at work and then swimming)

hope you are all fabulous!

New Year and all that jazz...

well, here we are... all a part of this new year, waiting spectators of any doom, gloom or joy that may or may not come our way in the coming 358 days. it is all very exciting and i seem to have been swept up into the whirlwind of excitement.

never have i really felt the need, inclination or desire to set myself a series of resolutions... rules to stick to and feel bad about if i don't end up doing them (as, odds are, i will not end up doing most of them, as i am a bit of a lazy piglet). this year though, i really feel like i need to take hold of my life. not just for myself, but for husband and our lives together.

things between husband and i have been much better. christmas was full of delight and i got several fabulous gifts... they included, but are not limited to a cupcake stand, a sewing box, the most precious glockenspiel ever, some bath sheets, yorkshire pudding tins (which i promptly used on christmas evening to successfully make the best yorkshire puddings ever!), some home made spiced rum, some eraseable gel pens and a sexy star robe, which is the most fluffy, splendid thing ever.

husband, on the other hand, got a stupendous espresso/coffee machine that has turned our house into a starbucks... only better.

all gifts aside, things have really been alright. i have been quite out of sorts lately because i ran out of my medication over christmas and was off of them for two weeks as a result. i am back on them now and everthing is calming down.

anyways, back to the good of our relationship and resolutions... i guess all i can really do now is just get on with them.... here goes!

• become better with money... i have two credit cards. i SHOULDN'T, but i do. i want to get these sorted out. i plan to pay the smaller of the two off entirely and pay at least half of the other off, by the end of the year. not only that, but i want to change my pattern of behaviour which makes me live from paycheck to paycheck. i want to have money left over in my bank account every month.
• cut down on cola products... so then, like many people in the world, i have a cola problem. i usually have one with my breakfast at work, one at lunch and one or two each night when i get home. i am aware this is not good for my teeth OR my general health, so i want to cut back massively. yesterday i started by NOT having a coke with breakfast and only having one to celebrate the beginning of celebrity big brother last night. ideally, i want to cut back to one a day and then from there, just a couple a week.
• sort out my health... and not just physical. i want to get my mental health into a good place as well. obviously, i do want to get myself into a better physical state. i need to hydrate myself more, eat more sensibly, lose some weight... these are all things i am going to do. i also want to look into joining the gym. husband and i could have a stupendous time going to the gym together... i want to lose at least fifty pounds. i know it sounds like a lot, but i am becoming more and more aware of the history of health problems in my family and i really don't want to end up diabetic, blind and osteoperosis-ridden. so, i am going to get my physical health under control along with my mental health.
• crochet more... i REALLY want to crochet more. i have so many projects i have started and not finished or have REALLY wanted to do and just haven't gotten around to. i plan to get on the ball with my crochetting and deplete my wool stock dramatically.
• finish all my started projects... it came to my attention the other day that i have the most stupidly shocking amount of projects just sitting around that need to be finished. at least four blankets, several sheeps, dolls, paintings, collages... i could go on. i just need to get on the ball and finish all this stuff.
• write people more... i realised this year that a lot of people in my life have come and gone, some of which i miss hugely. i am going to make sure i don't lose any more and try to get back into contact with some of the people i have lost. not only that, but i have started hanging out in a community that is generally for pen-pals and stuff, so i have started writing several NEW people as well. i have really fallen off the friend train lately and i need to get back.
• tidy more and better... since chris and i have been together i have have tended to be much less than house-proud, which has really gotten him down because he loves having a tidy house. i do enjoy it, but i enjoy being lazy more, but i want that to change. i want to help him create a place that will make him happy and less embarassed to be in.
  

other things i want to work on, without the blurbs are...

• blog more
• learn to bake the perfect cake... not cupcake... PROPER cake.
• watch more films
• collect more lists
• go out more
• spend more time with husband DOING stuff.
• take more photos
• read more
• BE IN AMERICA FOR CHRISTMAS 2009!

yay!