26: What might you have been like if you had had perfect nurturing?

i don't really like this question because there is no way of saying what 'perfect nurturing' is. like, i know that my upbringing wasn't the ideal definition of 'perfect,' but i wouldn't change it for the world.

like, the thought of me having a different or more 'perfect' upbringing terrifies me because the place i am at the moment is just so perfect for me. i am the perfect amount of hard and soft in all the right places and i worry that had i had a different upbringing, i could have been like, either super-sensitive or a massive dick-face. i think this creature i turned into is perfect and any other upbringing would have hugely altered that.

just what i needed.

i heart the universe...

Did you know, Danie, that in your gorgeous little planet's entire history, there's never been a drought that didn't end? A storm that didn't clear? Lightning that didn't retreat? An earthquake that didn't still? A flood that didn't recede? Or a plague that wasn't, eventually, overwhelmed by the healthy?

Now, as a rule, I'm not into odds, statistics, or gambling, Danie, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something's going on down there; that the deck is clearly stacked; and that you've got friends in some very, very, very high places.

HIT ME, BABY!
The Universe

i heart nothing today. nothing at all.

-enter rant-

I have just gotten so tired of the fact that most of my friendships are more-or-less one-sided. I put a lot of time and energy into all of my friendships only to find myself exhausted at the end of the day with nothing to show for it but a knackered phone bill and an empty facebook wall. It sounds stupid, but I am sick of people just taking all I have to give and then shutting down when I’ve gotten tired. People don’t call ME. I am almost always the one doing the calling, texting, planning, etc. It makes me feel like some saddo because I have no friends who care enough to ask ME when I want to hang out next… and very few friends who will come to MY house to watch films or whatnot. I hate that even what I consider to be my closest friends have only been to my house like, three times when I’ve been to theirs more than fifty. Why do I always have to be the one to put in the legwork? Why am I always the one who has to make the effort to make our friendship something worth having?

People tell me ‘oh dan, you are just such a good friend!’ you’re damn right I am! What else could you call a mug who enables you to never leave your house and asks ‘how high’ when you say ‘jump?’ I hate that so many of my friendships are like this. I wonder sometimes if I were to stop, would they notice… probably not… I’m just tired and want a break. I want someone to come to MY house to watch films or do crafts… I want someone to make ME things. I want someone to buy ME cakes!

Eh.

-end-

it's NOT tuesday!

so... another week of being alive and another week of hearting... it has been a full-on week with lots of things getting done and lots of hearting going on, so i'll just get on with this thang...

• beggars that try to bargain with you... so, true story, on my way home this afternoon a tramp came up to me and we acted out the following scenario...

OPEN SCENE: cut to a young woman, approximately 25, walking down a residential street. this woman is listening to her iPod and quietly singing to herself. it is later afternoon and there is nobody else on the street with her. she walks the length of the street obsessively checking her mobile phone to ensure she has had no texts from someone important... after the third or fourth glance at her mobile she looks up to find a very disheveled-looking man. this man looks to be in his late 50's and has a series of cuts and bruises on all visible parts of his skin. the man walks up to our leading lady displaying a large amount of change in his hand:

OLD MAN: Excuse me, do you have 30pence i can borrow?
LADY: Unfortunately not. i don't have any change at all on me.
OLD MAN: Okay... 20pence?
LADY: Really, i have absolutely no change on me...
OLD MAN: 10pence?
LADY: i have nothing, sorry.

the old man looks the lady up and down suspiciously and walks away.

END SCENE-FADE TO BLACK

• fictional books that are set somewhere you know... i am currently reading a book that is set in derby. it's about a serial killer and all that jazz, but it is just so exciting to have the author talking about all the places i go on a regular basis... places he has mentioned so far are markeaton mark, the eagle centre, normanton, uttoxeter new road and darley park. yay!
• the fact that i got ANOTHER email from augusten burroughs! yeah, that's right, he wrote me again. he wrote to apologize for not writing back sooner and saying that he is working on his list. yayz!
• THE radio... so, after four days of painstaking work and learning to embroider, i have finished the radio for alastair's photocomic. i love this radio more than anything i have ever made. SO excited to show it to pow pow tomorrow. he will weep.

• 

• getting blood drawn... i don't know why, but i have always loved it... i love the waiting and the nervousness when you are sat in that chair whilst the nurse prepares the needles and then when you realize it doesn't hurt nearly as much as you thought it would.
• popping my neck... particularly when lots of people are around to hear it and become suitably disgusted.
• waiting to see what someone has planned for me... there were big plans for my day off monday. i baked, busted my bum to finished that radio and, obviously had the day off... this was mostly all in aid of spending the day working with ali and watching films... it had been planned for a period and as i had not heard anything from him, i assumed all things were go. i then got the text of doom on sunday evening saying that he could not do it and would make it up to me... said making up will be taking place tomorrow (friday) evening. watch this space.
• the way wasps legs dangle when they are flying around.
• the smell of lavender.
• the fact that it is thursday.
• spam.
• how stable i feel now.
• planning movie dates with people.
• the fact that i will get to see jaacq AND alastair's new videos tuesday! yay!
• ordering stationery.
• going to meetings.
• when my nails get really long.
• when i dream about someone i haven't seen or heard from in a long while.
• CHINESE BUNS!
• finishing a project.
• discovering new music.
• the history of prypiat, ukraine.

it's tuesday SOMEWHERE, right?

Now, to finish a previously started blog... this was typed up two days ago up until the line...

The weekend was made up of the most beautiful of weather. More beautiful than you could have imagined and still, I was not satisfied. This is because I HATE the sun and I hate hate HATE being hot. There is nothing in the entire world ever that I hate more than being hot. I would rather be cold any day.

So the weekend left me disastrously hot and wearing as little cloth as I could get away with. It was nice though… Saturday I got to cut the hairs of Challis (which I am still worried about, as I have not heard from her since she left my house. I suspect she has gone into deep hiding until her hairs have grown out a sufficient amount) and prance in town for a short period. I don’t know why I do it to myself, go into town on a Saturday, I LOATH town on a Saturday. It is always crawling with the slowest people in the entire world.

Although, Saturday DID bring me one joy, and that was THE CHILDREN.

It was like something out of a dream; I walked into Savers to get my tampons and got into the queue. Whilst waiting and listening to a little bit of soul music, I spied a child in a pushchair in front of me. It was a child of indeterminate sex and could be aged at approximately 6… I immediately let out a low, but definitely audible chortle. I know this due to the fact that everyone within a three-foot distance from me turned and scowled. I followed the child with my eyes as it absconded from the pushchair and pranced over to the deodorant section where two other children, one older and one younger (I could only assume this child was a female, given it was dressed in a skirt and pink frilly top). Again, I let out a chortle, this one much more noticeable and offensive.

This series of outbursts came due to the fact that each child had its own special version of a mullet… not only that, but each child was adorned completely in denim. My knee-jerk reaction was to take a photo. I pulled out my phone and attempted to shoot photos of said children as secretly as I could. Everything would have gone to plan too were it not for the woman in front of me’s meddling sweater sleeve! The instant I started taking photos of the three children in perfect form the woman began digging in her bag and shoving her elbow immediately into shot. I now have seven photos in my phone of that stupid woman’s elbow and the legs of three children.

Post-delight, I whisked myself away to Primark, which I walked out of almost as soon as I walked in. the thing about Primark is that there are two types of people that shop there… the scenesters that love a cheap, fun, sassy bargain and pikie shitheads. These pikie shitheads can be identified by the following…

* Masses of children. And when I say ‘masses,’ I mean more than three. And not only do they have a multitude of children, but each child will be screaming at a pitch higher than the last.
* Hair that is either completely wild or slicked back in such a way as to pull all the skin from the pikie shithead’s face into a permanently surprised look.
* At least one pair of gold-coloured earrings in hoops no smaller than three inches in diameter.
* They will be pushing a pram with at least one child in (typically with two more pulling on or hanging off of it at any given point)



This particular Saturday, Primark was full of the latter and therefore not meant to be my day to get a pair of black sequined leggings.

No sooner had I walked out of Primark did I get a text from Challis saying she was on her way in town so I pranced over to the fountain and rolled a fag. I then proceeded to chain smoke until her arrival. We then went to the market so’s I could get some special silver wool for the radio I am working on for Alastair. Once I had gotten my wool we were ready to go home.

home featured haircuts and dane cook... it was delightful...

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wednesday morning, it's still tuesday in cheyenne, that'll do.

fings wot i heart?

• film evenings with friends... i had a film evening last night that was fabulous. it is always nice to get together with friends and just hang out. i baked, we watched films and freshly-baked cookies were consumed in unbelievable amounts.
• diet coke... despite my many vendettas against this beverage, i have gaineda lot of weight and need to shift it. that isn't going to happen when i am drinking like, four regular cokes a day. so i am all about the diet coke at the moment.
• not actually doing work at work... i love it when i can be sneaky and do things that aren't work related at work.
• getting praise for things i have done... who doesn't love a bit of love?
• watching the departure of the drama trains... this, i find particularly fun. cheyenne used to be a regular stop for the drama train, so i was never at a loss for dramatic things going on (someone pregnant, someone deleting someone else on facebook, etc.). since i've been in england there has been a real downturn in the drama in my life. it's fun sometimes to just watch that train come in, crash and burn and pull the few cars it can forward to the next stop. i don't fuel it so much as just watch and get answers when i worry that someone i love is lying or being hurt, but still, it's fun.
• watching music videos from my childhood.... omg yes! i went through my old youtube favourites and it was delightful. lots of selena and reba. yay!

and... done. mostly because i have workies to get ready for and a husband to cuddle.

things and things tuesday

yes, i heart things... things and things... a list of them, plain and simple, is as follows:

• the way music is used in film... i have been noticing lately, much more than usual, the way that music producers use music to enhance different things in films. i especially have been finding i have a soft spot for the really cheezy films that play synthesized 'suspense' music when you should begin to worry and prepare for a blast...
• getting emails from actual people... i LOVE when i open my inbox and there, amongst all the trash and derbyfreecycle stuff, an email lives that has been lovingly handwritten by someone i actually know. the newest addition to my email fun this week was this, which really made me feel nice...

I have always been enamoured by you. Regardless of the times I have made wrong decisions or have opted to take an easy way out. I don't have it in me to let you go for some reason. You were the best friend anyone could ever have. The only one that accepted me for who I was in life. I don't mean in a love way, I mean in a human being way. I never had to try to show up or try to do crazy shit to make you laugh. I was just me. I guess I love the idea of that...

I just spent the last 2 hours reading every one of your posts @ blogspot.com. My goodness you have one of the most interesting lives around. I respect that. I read your thoughts on things and I get giddy just thinking about how you would act when you walked into the asylum and the big fish place. things like that are magical and I'm glad you try to capture all of the moments that you can.

I haven't seen you in such a long long time, yet it still feels as though I had just seen you recently. I remember how I could pick my nose in front of you and you wouldn't care, I could tell you the most insanely goofy shit and you would approve and be excited about it. I now realize what i need out of life. I seem to always have epiphanies when I'm deployed, I guess I have plenty of time to sit and think to myself. I am a selfish person, however a very giving person, depending on the situation. I'm not proud of what I have done and I have no excuse either. I truly never wanted to hurt you or make you unhappy in any way. I hope that you and Chris live the happiest and most fullfilling of all lives to be lived. I mean that from my heart. Never be unsure of yourself, you are the most awesome person that I have ever met in my life. I can't do hardly anything without thinking about you, that is how awesome you are. So keep smiling, not for me or anyone else, but for you. and know that you're thought of non-stop.

i don't know that i will actually reply, but suffice it to say that it was nice to receive and it made me feel better. thanks, if you are reading.

• being back at work... despite the fact that i LOVED my time off work, i have really been happy being back. everyone has been really helpful and it kinda feels nice to have people tiptoe around me and actually think before they pile lots of work on me. (side note: a really sad story is that, upon the day of my return, we were informed that there was a motorcycle accident on friday and my coworker's brother died. they had just moved in together and he, my coworker, was out of the country on holiday when it happened. a very morose atmosphere has enveloped the office, as can be expected. that particular coworker is off work now, as his home country is germany and they need to get the body taken back for the funeral. i really feel for him, losing a family member is so horrible.)
• janeyvisit! janey sent me a text today saying she would come visit me this month. OMG i hope she makes it. i heart her so much and i hate the way i have been feeling lately. i want to make this the most superfun derby visit she has ever had. fish and cupcakes will feature!
• movietime... i have been consuming SO many films over the last few days! OMG! a small list is as follows: the watchmen (eh), idiocracy (quite a delightful, not-very-well-known film), zathura: a space adventure (jumanji meets alien, totally fun!), teeth (very cheesy and not as good as the adverts make out but still totally worth watching for the aforementioned music and crappy plotline) and knowing (OMGWORSTFILMI'VEEVERSEEN!!!!!)
• knowing i crochet better than anyone i know... it delights me to no end that i am able to create things that nobody i know ever could. at the moment i am freestyling a vintage radio and OMG i am pleased with it so far.
• the fact that everyone i work with knows i collect crap... everyone i work with has finally realised that i actually just love everything all the time and have taken advantage of that fact when clearing out their houses by bringing me misc things that they find... the latest item is a fabulous set of pillowcases that mary brought from her mother-in-law's house (who has moved into a care home, sad for her, but score for me, as i will be getting all the clutter mary doesn't want!)

the end... for now! go forth and make your own lists!

oh it was fun, fun, fun...

well, i am now in the realm of feeling almost 'normal' despite a few glitches. monday saw me signed off for one more week so we could be sure that i was alright and my medication had settled. my consultant is really, an incredibly fabulous man. he really makes me feel like he is on my side and not trying to just get me through the system as quickly as possible so he can get his paycheck.
this week off has been a bit of fun and a bit of horror all melted into one pot. the horror has just featured the same old mix of husband resenting my problems. i guess it is hard because i feel like he should be the one who i can turn to and get support from when i need it but he has just been tapped and thinks that i should just shut all of this off like a running tap. it is so frustrating because he says he will be patient and once two days have passed with little or no progress he says that i should be all better now, which is just like a 'go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200' was drawn from the pile and i have to wait another two turns before i can start getting better again. i just feel like i can't get the point across clearly enough for him to understand. ho hum!

tuesday we pranced out to the giant fish shop in pinxton again and i was able to continue my love affair with the many stupendous fishies whilst husband picked out bog wood and chose the silver dollars we would be taking home... my adulterous acts proceeded with photos...

mister puffer and i were bff... as soon as i saw him i immediately started making googly faces at him and talking to him in an incredibly high-pitched voice. many people stared.

this is just an unbelievably huge cichlid tank that i fell in love with the first time i saw it... it is full of the most stupendous fishies ever.

and this sting ray, who became immensly excited the instant i came in and started hovvering all over the side of the tank, smiling at me.

we ended up coming home with four silver dollars, five tiger barbs and four orange shrimpies. i am in love with the barbs and shrimps. the shrimps have gone into hiding mode, but the barbs prance wildly for me every time i go into the room.

yesterday was full of delight. as suggested by my consultant, i decided to go spend some time with friends. the friend of choice for the day was powers. i arrived at his door at noon armed with oasis, bourbon creams and more dvds than you could shake a stick at. the day ended up a total success, mostly because we consumed four films, planned some exciting things for johnee scissazazzz and i came away with two electrical appliances, one for destroying and one for replicating in the form of crochet. i like the days we can get together because powers is just a big, fat lovely. he just makes everything calm and i can just sit and do nothing without having to worry about anything. we can talk, or not talk.... it's all okay.

the rest of my days have been full of planning for by birthday party. i am more excited than anything ever about my birthday, mostly because i plan to make it the best quarter-of-a-century birthday party that anybody has ever had. i am being given free reign at a local pub (for no charge!) and with that type of freedom, i plan to take advantage of everything i can. a list of the things i am planning as of today is as follows:

• four bands will be playing, the line-up being alastair (solo!), husband's band, hell death fury (a really stupendous band that is made up of fabulous creatures from chris's home town) and the dust collectors (a local amazingband).
• one freaking hysterical comedy duo
• the most epic cupcakes ever to have come out of my kitchen
• handmade gifts to be given out to 25 lucky guests
• everyone will be in fancy dress

i am just so excited that i start whooping everytime i think about it. it just gets more exciting with each passing day! yay!

that's about it, really.