mmm... apt horoscope is apt!

Forgiveness Is Freedom
Scorpio Daily Horoscope
 
You may feel magnanimous today and desire to mend old rifts or rise above petty conflicts. It may be helpful to set aside time to review your past experiences and forgive anyone who has wronged you. A simple way to do this is to call up memories of past hurts, visualize the person responsible for them, and mentally embrace them while feeling love and forgiveness. While it can be difficult to relive old hurts, consciously choosing to forgive and let go can be incredibly freeing, and you will find yourself feeling much lighter and happier. You can also use this same process to mend rifts in your current relationships today by choosing to rise above disagreements.

Our willingness to forgive and let go of our pain gives us the freedom to engage fully and joyfully in the present moment. We often tend to carry remnants of past hurts into our current relationships, and this can affect our present interactions in unhealthy ways. If we can instead choose to release old hurts and forgive those responsible for them, we free ourselves from the past. We immediately begin to feel optimistic about our lives. This enables us to engage more deeply in our new experiences and develop greater intimacy and trust in our current relationships. Your willingness to forgive the past today can help you release old hurts and bring a new level of joy and purpose to your life.

this tuesday... THIS TUESDAY!

i know it's early, but i know if i don't do it now, i will never, ever do it. the last week could be compared to a cake. a fabulous cake made of magnificence, win and glory sprinkled only lightly with a little morose.

the week saw me go out for a night out that ended up being unbelievably wonderful, saw me finalize all plans birthday-related and saw me attend my first official day at the Resource Centre Day Hospital.

a full and concise list of things i have hearted over the last week can be seen below...

• seeing things i've sent to someone arrive to them safely... one of the three parcels i sent to Him arrived safely into his arms today. luckily, it was the BEST of the three parcels. it contained the wee creatures i made and a special 'letter' i embroidered onto a piece of felt (yeah, i did the lines and EVERYTHING). it is just like... this little thing has brought us even closer if that's possible. i held these items in my hands a mere twelve days ago and now he has them. i was kissing the nose of that giraffe twelve days ago and now i can watch HIM kiss his nose. He cried and i fell in love all over again. He is just such a precious face and it makes me so happy to see that something i do can make someone THAT happy. (SIDE NOTE: the reason He seems to be smelling things a lot is because i infused things with the scent of danie so's He could associate me with another one of his senses.)

• nights out... very rarely does a night out go as planned... very rarely does a night out actually end up being as glorious as you originally plan for them to. this last saturday was a massive exception to this rule. i had planned this saturday with slight hesitation, given the fail most of the nights out i've had recently have been made of. i went out with a cautious head, determined to at least get a little tipsy and cuddle pow pow's face off. my arrival saw me cuddle many, MANY faces off and prance a great deal with chris tree (of the most youthful face in the world and amazing musical skills) and see many faces i didn't expect i'd see ever again. pow pow was off his face most of the night but he still gave me amazing cuddles and performed amazingly well. given that i had nothing in my belly, i was VERY concerned about drinking, but somehow, by midnight-thirty, i had eleven rum and cokes in me and felt amazing. after multiple photo sessions with multiple beautyfaces i decided to cut my losses and run. the night was amazing and i can't even describe how much fun i had. thanks to everyone. it was perfect and just what this divorcee needed.

• watching pow pow perform... granted, i love watching ALL people perform, pow pow is always at the top of my list. he pulls some amazing faces when he sings. saturday saw me watching one of his newer bands, hot japanese girl, play. it was my first time seeing them and i was immediately judgmental when i saw him arrive with a ridiculous amount of face paint on. i am a floozy for acoustic music and ali's voice when he is only accompanied by a guitar has the ability to make me weak in the knees, but this... there are no words. they were fabulous. the energy that ali puts into his music is just so intense. it makes me SO happy to see him in his element. 
• gogol bordello... oh yes, i have fallen in love with them again, in a big way.  it all started last thursday when they posted some photos from their most recent gigs and i couldn't help but re-hash that love affair via youtube. i watched loads of acoustic sets they did for a show and totally remembered why i fell in love with that big-nosed, blue-eyed beauty named hutz. they are such an amazing band. i can't get enough of them and NEED to see them like, now. 

• my beautiful lee lee... mmm, sunday saw the return of my lee lee for a flying visit due to some magical scheduling at his shop. i was the only individual a privvy to this confidential information and was therefore designated as the orchestrator of people so many deaths-by-glee could occur. i pranced into town sunday morning to meet him and perched at a table at our allocated meeting-spot. i was soon drawn to a whistle stage-right where i was greeted by the most beautiful of little faces. i didn't realize how much i missed him until i saw him and immediately felt the need to grab him and hold him forever. he smelled just like i remembered and during our walk to hannah's i kept having to stop and grab him and squeeze him. he is so beautiful and one of the creatures i will miss most when i move back across the pond.
• OMGMYBIRTHDAY... oh yes, in a mere five days danie will be celebrating her twenty-fifth year on the planet. i am very aware that this MAY be my last celebration in england for a while, so i plan to make it massive and perfect. all things have been arranged and creatures will begin arriving on thursday, which i am SO looking forward to. it will be a stupendous night and MANY photos will occur. OMGSOMANYPHOTOS!

other things, you ask? oh yes, there are some... please has them!
having a really long and restful sleep, grape soda, lindt lindor truffles, valium, looking at other people's journals, making money doing what i love, maral, reading through all my lists, danishchats, writing up itemized lists, the magnetic fields, cinnamon and sultana bagels with cream cheese on, trying out new cupcake recipes, the skill with which i can crochet, re-connecting with old friends, looking at old photographs, the smell of clean laundry, watching people paint, when i'm able to eat without feeling ill, tandem bicycles, meeting new people and really connecting with them, rob padley, girls with shaved heads, how amazingly wonderful and supportive danish is, when time passes really quickly, skirts that fall below the knees, tights with excellent prints on them, eccentric old women, scottish accents, pulling funny faces, danish videos, chicken sushi, alastair's handwriting, the smell of lush, wellies and mustangs.

so yes, i started the day hospital today. i went in not really knowing what to expect but thinking i had an idea of what MIGHT occur there. hey, i've been in treatment, i know all about groups and all that malarkey... but i must say, no amount of groups could have prepared me for the fail that this day hospital is made of. it was just... it seems to be a place that was created for people that are suffering from much more debilitating mental health problems than me. the people that were there were just so out of it. i arrived an hour early and sat and read... someone came and gave me a tour of the day area and i sat and read some more.

once the day officially began it was just... i don't even know how to describe it. just... i don't know. i participated in two groups today, the first being 'health and wellbeing,' which saw about eight of us sat around a table tasting various different fruits and discussing their texture, colour, flavour and price. danie, being the very worldly and self-aware girl she is, was able to discuss all the fruits in great detail, which left everyone staring at me like i had two heads...

it was like, 'o hai! i has blue hairs, massive holes in my ears and will talk excitedly and at-length about any topic you can throw at me!'

so yes, needless to say, i got stared at a lot by the other inhabitants of the group who were really not well and therefore did not want to participate in the groups.

i just want someplace i can go and actually talk about stuff. i don't want to sit around and do arts and crafts or eat fruit... i want to talk and work through my problems. i am aware i have them and want them to stop. i want to learn how to get through them, not learn ways i can ignore them.

i shall give it another day or two and then ring my consultant and tell him what i reckon. who knows, perhaps tomorrow will surprise me and will be really helpful. i'm not holding my breath though.

you know that i love you and i would build a fort to protect you from the wind...

hrm. tuesday again, hey? this last week has gone by noticeably slow. the impact of the divorce has hit me quite hard and i am doubled-over by a metaphorical punch in the emotional stomach. halloween was horrific. the day itself was made of win... but otherwise the week has been made of fail. i shall now attempt to list the things i heart.

• receiving flowers... for the first time in my life, i had flowers delivered to my door. halloween saw me waking up at half eight in the morning, this was as a result of a gentleman knocking at our door to deliver some flowers to a danie. our conversation was made of delight. HIM: 'i have a delivery for a Dan Honeybun.' ME: 'oh yes, that's right.' HIM: 'will you actually be signing for it as that?' ME: 'why yes?' **signature** the delivery was very quickly followed by a phone call from iraq where much glee'ing occurred. He had been promising me a death via glee through most of the week and it was true, there was a brief death... roses and lilies are a danie's favourite combination. i loves Him so mucho. 
• really lovely IM chats... oh yes, most of my time lately is consumed by chatting with Him on Yahoo!oe particular gem can be seen below...

Him: I miss you so dearly
starbeast: i miss you too baby
Him: you have no idea
starbeast: so give me one
Him: give you an idea/
Him: ?
Him: when we're "roomates" I will be coming home to a nicely cooked dinner by yourself
starbeast: yes you will
Him: and I'll love eating your food and you'll love watching me enjoy your meal that you slaved over
Him: and after dinner and a chat
starbeast: i will
Him: and then we'll go to the living room
Him: sit on the couch
Him: we'll put our feet in matching foot spas
Him: and watch TV
Him: and talk about the world and our days and how in love we are
Him: and then we'll have a hug-o-war
Him: which I'll win
Him: and from there we'll watch some funny shows that we enjoy and talk about our secrets and dreams
Him: Then we'll each write lists of stuff that we choose at the time and share them with each other
Him: and then I'll dry your feet off for you
Him: and I'll give you a foot massage
Him: a very amazing foot massage
Him: and I'll kiss each little piggy
Him: and I'll give you 10 reasons that I love you
Him: one for each little piggy
starbeast: i love you
Him: and they will be different every night
Him: I love you too
Him: then it will be time for one of your amazing deserts
Him: and we'll go into the kitchen hand in hand
Him: and skipping hopefully
Him: and our little weiner dog will be right behind us
Him: yapping
Him: and we'll give him a treat
Him: and we'll grab some amazing desert and eat it right there in the kitchen
Him: and we'll mmmmm and ahhhhhh
Him: and yummy
Him: and we'll kiss afterwards
starbeast: that sounds so nice
Him: and we'll take a shower and clean each other right up
Him: and you'll get my back because I can't reach it anymore since my back surgery
Him: and I LOVE people washing my back
Him: and from there
Him: I'll clean you
Him: I love shampooing hair
Him: and massaging scalps
Him: then we'll get into our jammies
Him: and I'll most likely grab my guitar
Him: and play you an improvised song
Him: and sing sweet nothings your way
Him: and then you'll eventually start snuggling me too hard to even play
Him: so I'll put it down
Him: and we'll be perfect together until we fall asleep and we'll be even more perfect at that point
Him: and we'll have sweet dreams about the next day's adventures
Him: how's that for an idea?

• crocheting... so, danie has started creating again and creating with a vengeance! i had promised that i would have 25 presents to give out to 25 guests, and what is more special than multiple hand-made creatures? at this point i have completed several pairs of animal ears, a sausage dog and half a giant centipede. oh the squeals of delight that will be had! 
• feigning dramatic displays of emotion in public... oh yes. danie is the best at this. an example was when i went to the shop to get some tobacco and filters. the shop in question has only JUST run out of danie filters, so, in response, i threw my head back and my arms in the air and let out a massive groan, much like a child who had realized the candy shop was out of their favourite sweet would. my display was very warmly welcomed and... well... it's just fun. try it. 
• hannah... there are just no words for how much i love this girl. she is just such a beautiful, wonderful, inspirational person. she has helped me so much and i just can't get enough of her cuddles. 
• imagining what it will be like to see Him in person again... there is just no way to describe what i imagine it will be like. with each passing day our meeting-date draws closer and i don't think there is anything i will be able to do to prepare for it... i love musing with people about it... what it will be like to actually be occupying the same space as Him again. what it will be like to smell His skin and feel His arms. jesus... seven years is just TOO long... our latest musing occurred last night... it was wondrous:

Him: I am giving you a great night guarantee
starbeast: and what will this 'great night' entail?
Him: hmmmm
Him: well it will involve me arriving in England
Him: and holding you in my arms as much as you hold me in yours
Him: and showing you my huge smiles that will be right under my huge nose
Him: and I will be squeezing you with all my squeezing muscles
Him: and you'll be doing the same
Him: and though you don't like to be picked up
Him: I will be picking you up and kissing you so much
Him: and loving on you non stop
Him: The most important thing is that our loves will be together
Him: after being strayed and lost for such a long time
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: indeed
Him: they will be right there on track once again
Him: and we won't know what to say
Him: because words can't be defined in moments like that

• planning my next tattoos... oh yes, more tattoos WILL be occurring when my beautiful janey arrives. i am in the process of planning them in a big way. i don't know how many she will want to do, but i have several options for her... they will be glorious and made of win. 

 other things danie hearts... 
smoking fags, preparing for interviews, oreos, the smell of lilies, reading old journals, when i get a really good night's sleep, jelly sweets, carmex, penmanship, cat power, the fact that my birthday is a mere 11 days away, the fact that i have found and purchased THE dress for my birthday, shelby (His war friend and my new bff **squee**), anticipating the arrival of parcels, milk, dexter, desperate housewives, OMG eugene's sexy face! etc, etc....

28: What do you wish you had started to learn as a kid?

mmm... i think it would have been nice if i had put more effort into learning a second language. like, i can understand spanish when it's spoken to me but i can't speak it for the life of me. that's what i really wish.

parts of me wish that i had put more effort into learning an instrument, but i would rather just live in the glory of being able to play the two most beautiful songs in the world on guitar.

27: What about being a child do you miss the most?

for me,the thing that was most special about being a child was the complete innocence.

you just live in this magical world where everything is taken care of for you and you don't have to worry about anything beyond what piece of playground equipment you are going to play on during recess. i miss that. the innocence and ignorant bliss i was able to live in as a child.

i'm not saying i don't heart being a grown-up, but sometimes it would be so nice to just be able to ring someone in my family after a metaphorical skinned knee and have them fix it for me. have them hold me and tell me it will all be okay and would i like an ice lolly?

that's what danie wants right now. to feel small again. to feel small and be taken care of.

not-so-happy halloween...

so, this is the first halloween i have ever been alone in my entire 24 years. it seems silly, but of all the holidays, this one is bothering me the most... today is the day that danie and chris would ALWAYS host the best of the parties. the day that we would decorate and prepare and hold the most extravagant of soirees.

it hit me today and i am getting a divorce and it fucking sucks.

sure, i had offers to go out tonight... i could be out getting shitfaced with some rogue acquaintances, but i didn't WANT to. halloween for me has always been about being with all the people you love the most. prior to england it was always about prancing with the kids and helping them prepare for their tricking and treat-receiving.

post-move it was always chris and me. us against the rest of the ghoulish world.

tonight, it's danie against the world... and the world feels huge. the world is winning tonight. i am tired and... and lonely.

chris is with man-face and danish is asleep and i cannae get a hold of ladonna. i rang and spoke to paige for a little while, which was glorious. when i told her i was moving back she was more than elated. i could hear her bouncing with glee.

i miss my family. i miss my family and the normalcy. now every day just feels like i am stuck in this stupid limbo where i have nowhere to go and nothing to do but bide my time until i can move back to america and get on with the rest of my life.

all of my friends here have seemingly disappeared. everyone's busy with their own lives and i am just stuck here with the weight of this stupid divorce on my shoulders. i just want it to be over and to move on with the rest of my life so i don't have to have this hanging around my neck.

i went out last night and all everyone wanted to talk about all night was the divorce. it was horrible in that aspect, but also quite nice. nice because people were willing to talk to me about it. also nice because people saw that towards the end of the evening i really needed cuddles, so they gave them to me.

i had a chat with pow pow, who didn't end up coming out. we chatted for a little while on the phone. he said that he was worried about me. said that when he got his divorce his first instinct was to contact his 'first love' and try and re-kindle those feelings, which ended in more heartbreak. he didn't want to see that happen to me. he also said that he doesn't want to see me make a decision that would result in me not living to my full potential, which was great. he wants to see me do great things and if he ever feels that i am doing something stupid, he will tell me. i told him i want him to. his opinion is one that i value a huge amount. we are going to try and have a date soon so we can talk. i haven't really had the chance to properly talk to him about all of this. i really feel like i need to talk to him and get his opinion. i really value the things he has to say and to get that validation from someone will be really good for me. i feel like... like i am making all these huge decisions and am making them alone, without thinking about anybody else but myself, which in some ways is what i need. i haven't made decisions for just danie in so long. and i feel in my heart, as a first instinct that this is perfect and just what i need. i guess i just need to bounce it off someone else and get that validation from them.

i haven't actually sat down with someone and told them about all of this. like, i HAVE spoken to pow pow about Him and me... and our history. this was ages ago. so he knows but i feel like i need to sit down with him and really get a feel for his opinion.

none of this is me saying i'm having second thoughts, because i'm totally not. i just want someone else to tell me it's right, tell me i'm not making a mistake and just acting on an impulse after ending a very long relationship. you know what i mean? i KNOW it's not an impulse, but something deep inside of me needs someone i'm really close to to tell me that this is going to be okay. that i'll be okay when all the dust has settled.

**sigh**

i saw my friend george last night. he saw me and immediately gave me a massive cuddle. he is one of the big ones here and i didn't realize it until tonight. when he grabbed me and cuddled me i immediately remembered what a magical person he is. he has altered my life so massively. i love him so much. i feel this intense desire just to hold everyone i love dearly here and tell them how much i love them. i feel like i have to start i now because 18 months is just NOT going to be long enough to tell some of them how important they have been to me. i just held george for ages and told him how lucky i feel to have met him. told him how much he means to me. he is such an incredible man. he's just full of this amazing spirit that resonates off of him and you can't help but want to hold him for dear life for fear that you may never be in the presence of such raw beauty again.

meh, stupid holidays. if halloween is this bad for me, what is christmas going to be like? 

uncharted territory...

i received this little gem in my inbox today and can't help but feel moved and stimulated by it... 

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When we are lost, we typically look at a map to figure out where we are and how to get to our chosen destination. This works well, assuming that there is a map of the territory in which we find ourselves, and assuming that we know our destination. However, this is not always the case. At this time in human history, we are all venturing into uncharted territory, whether we know it or not. And as individuals, we may find ourselves covering ground that our predecessors never even knew existed. When we look to them for guidance, they often come up short. Not knowing exactly where we are, we find ourselves unsure of which way to go, and eventually the uneasy feeling that we are lost presents itself.

The beauty of being lost is the same thing that makes it scary—it asks us to look within ourselves to find the way. If we have no map, we must go on instinct, relying on our inner compass to show us which way to go. This can be scary because so much seems to be riding on it. We fear we might go too far in the wrong direction, or become paralyzed and make no progress at all. And yet, this is the very challenge we need to develop our ability to trust ourselves. We are also learning to trust that the universe will support and guide us. We may believe this intellectually, but it is only through experience that it becomes knowledge of the heart. Learning to be okay with being lost and trusting that we will be guided, we begin our journey.

We can support ourselves by confirming that we don’t need to know exactly where we are going in order to take our first steps. We are learning to feel our own way, rather than following an established path, and in doing so we learn to trust ourselves. It is this trust that connects us to the universe and reminds us that no matter how lost we feel, and even as we journey, on the inner level we are already home. 

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and it's true... at the moment i feel lost... it suddenly hit me over the last couple of days that i will be making some huge changes in my life, changes that i have some vague map of, but that are still very new to me. 

like, my thoughts are all racing about all the plans He and i have been making... wondering if they are actually going to happen and how and where and when and why and all the other 'w' questions.

it's hit me that i will be moving continents AGAIN. fucking hell. last time completely destroyed me. i think the reason it destroyed me the most was because i was coming to a new country where i knew nobody bar chris... i had no friends, no family and only the stuff i could carry in a suitcase. but in the last five years i've really made an incredible life for myself... which is good and bad. parts of me wishes that i hadn't. that i had just stayed closed-in and bashful and then i wouldn't have to worry about the heartbreak of leaving all of my most precious creatures behind again. but i didn't do that. instead i embraced my new life and have flourished into this life that is full of such magnificence and wonder that i can hardly believe i have created it myself. i have created bonds with people here that are much stronger than most of the bonds i ever created in america. i have grown with so many of the people i love over here and the thought of leaving them behind is terrifying me.

because i heart lists, i will make a list of the people i heart and why... why it will be so hard to leave them behind.

• janey... she's always the first one that comes to mind when i think about the people it will hurt most to let go... she is so beautiful. she is someone that i have really grown close to. she  is someone i have been able to talk to about anything and she has always given me her honest opinion. she is the best friend that someone could ever  have. she has inspired me to do so many things with her beauty and creativity and freedom. i love her so much.
• claire and mark... i have NO idea where i would be without these two. they have been so massive in the shaping of me. they welcomed me into their band and let me experience true creative freedom. i never felt free-er than when i was playing with them. they have opened me up and introduced me to so many things and people and so much music and art. they showed me how easy it was to be free in myself. to be me for nobody but ME.
• powers... he's just, there are no words. i fell in love with him the instant i met him. i fell in love with his honesty and raw emotion and creativity. his voice and his words are so wonderful and have helped me out of some dark places. despite the fact that he can be really crap at times, he has really helped me. let me talk and has been painfully honest at times, which is what i've needed. he's helped me steer my drive to places where i NEED to be. he inspired me to want to start my baking business, he's inspired me to crochet all the things i've done and he's just... he's just this amazing creature that i can do or say anything to and he will accept me for who i am. he is an incredible boy.
• hannah... she's helped me through so many unbelievable hard times. despite her own illness, she has remained a rock for me in my times of need. she's helped me make decisions and set things right in my head when i really didn't feel like it was possible.
• chris... chris has altered my whole life. the sole reason i came to england in the first place, he has been the one consistent thing in my life that has turned me into the person i am. he has introduced me to so many things... so many things that i can't imagine my life without now... things i didn't know i was missing before i found them. things have have made me whole.

like, i got over the fact that i left america because i was so young and i didn't have a HUGE amount of really close friends... this became evident when all of them stopped communication with me bar a select few. but now, NOW i've grown up... i will be returning to america a completely different person. i will be returning as this person with all these memories and experiences and values that nobody there will share with me. nobody there will be able to relate to me. nobody there will be able to reminisce with me. it is so scary to think about having to leave all these things here again. to leave derby... this place that i thought was going to be my home for the rest of my life. to leave england, the place i've yearned to live since i can remember.

the last six years, aged nineteen to twenty-five are a huge defining time for most people. it is a time when they become their own... develop their careers, start families, buy houses, etc. and that is JUST what they have been for me. the last six years have moulded me into this person. this amazing, independent, happy, creative person who wouldn't exist at all the way she does had it not been for england, derby... janey, pow pow, mark, claire, vic, jaacq, lee lee, chris and so many others. i am so terrified that if i leave this, all of these people, all of the things here that have been inspiring me for the last five years, that i will just stop being me. i know it sounds stupid and i shouldn't identify myself by the people i know... but i DO, they are the reason i am who i am today. i need to know that i will still be ME even without them. that i will keep being me and i won't lose them or myself completely.

that's one of the things i'm most terrified of. losing all of these people. i know over the last five years a lot of the people i loved in america have drifted out of my life and i am so scared that i will lose all of these people. i don't want to ever have to lose them. i love them all so much.

but also, this thing i am leaving it all for, it's bigger than everything. this love is so huge that it makes me WILLING to completely dismember my life again. i swore i would never do it again. i swore that if chris and i didn't work out i was NOT going to go back because i couldn't do it to myself again. the emotional shite that i went through when i moved here was massive. there is no way to explain it. the loneliness and emptiness that i felt was like nothing i've ever felt in my life. i hate the thought of having to feel that again. and i hate the thought of having to burden Him with that. when i moved here chris had to take on a lot of my feelings and insecurities because they were just too huge for me to deal with on my own. he didn't know what to do with them though. he'd never felt anything like it. and i just really hate the thought of having to rely on Him and give Him all this shite when i'm having a bad time.

this IS going to be hard for me. this is going to be SO hard. these last five years have been so huge for me. so massive and the impact of leaving it all behind again is going to be really draining. i am so terrified that He is going to see me come back as a bit of an emotional wreck and will start hating me...


it is all so new and so scary. i hate thinking about it... 


then there's all the other things. learning to trust Him again. something that comes easier with every passing day. He is just such an amazingly beautiful person. He is so gentle and understanding. He is just... everything i need right now. He's my rock and the things i feel, this love, it is so massive. so huge sometimes that i feel like i might die because of the weight. i love Him more every single minute of every single day. He is a rock and He makes my heart swell with the most amazing ache. the ache of yearning and love and memories and... just everything. everything safe is with Him. 


He's told me i can trust Him and for the first time, tonight, i feel like i can trust Him completely, without exception. i have tried to hold on to my heart for fear of having it broken again, but tonight i have decided that i will trust Him. He made me a promise and i will put my faith in that. i will let Him help decipher this map and guide me to where i need to be, which is with Him.