it's tuesday SOMEWHERE, right?

Now, to finish a previously started blog... this was typed up two days ago up until the line...

The weekend was made up of the most beautiful of weather. More beautiful than you could have imagined and still, I was not satisfied. This is because I HATE the sun and I hate hate HATE being hot. There is nothing in the entire world ever that I hate more than being hot. I would rather be cold any day.

So the weekend left me disastrously hot and wearing as little cloth as I could get away with. It was nice though… Saturday I got to cut the hairs of Challis (which I am still worried about, as I have not heard from her since she left my house. I suspect she has gone into deep hiding until her hairs have grown out a sufficient amount) and prance in town for a short period. I don’t know why I do it to myself, go into town on a Saturday, I LOATH town on a Saturday. It is always crawling with the slowest people in the entire world.

Although, Saturday DID bring me one joy, and that was THE CHILDREN.

It was like something out of a dream; I walked into Savers to get my tampons and got into the queue. Whilst waiting and listening to a little bit of soul music, I spied a child in a pushchair in front of me. It was a child of indeterminate sex and could be aged at approximately 6… I immediately let out a low, but definitely audible chortle. I know this due to the fact that everyone within a three-foot distance from me turned and scowled. I followed the child with my eyes as it absconded from the pushchair and pranced over to the deodorant section where two other children, one older and one younger (I could only assume this child was a female, given it was dressed in a skirt and pink frilly top). Again, I let out a chortle, this one much more noticeable and offensive.

This series of outbursts came due to the fact that each child had its own special version of a mullet… not only that, but each child was adorned completely in denim. My knee-jerk reaction was to take a photo. I pulled out my phone and attempted to shoot photos of said children as secretly as I could. Everything would have gone to plan too were it not for the woman in front of me’s meddling sweater sleeve! The instant I started taking photos of the three children in perfect form the woman began digging in her bag and shoving her elbow immediately into shot. I now have seven photos in my phone of that stupid woman’s elbow and the legs of three children.

Post-delight, I whisked myself away to Primark, which I walked out of almost as soon as I walked in. the thing about Primark is that there are two types of people that shop there… the scenesters that love a cheap, fun, sassy bargain and pikie shitheads. These pikie shitheads can be identified by the following…

* Masses of children. And when I say ‘masses,’ I mean more than three. And not only do they have a multitude of children, but each child will be screaming at a pitch higher than the last.
* Hair that is either completely wild or slicked back in such a way as to pull all the skin from the pikie shithead’s face into a permanently surprised look.
* At least one pair of gold-coloured earrings in hoops no smaller than three inches in diameter.
* They will be pushing a pram with at least one child in (typically with two more pulling on or hanging off of it at any given point)



This particular Saturday, Primark was full of the latter and therefore not meant to be my day to get a pair of black sequined leggings.

No sooner had I walked out of Primark did I get a text from Challis saying she was on her way in town so I pranced over to the fountain and rolled a fag. I then proceeded to chain smoke until her arrival. We then went to the market so’s I could get some special silver wool for the radio I am working on for Alastair. Once I had gotten my wool we were ready to go home.

home featured haircuts and dane cook... it was delightful...

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wednesday morning, it's still tuesday in cheyenne, that'll do.

fings wot i heart?

• film evenings with friends... i had a film evening last night that was fabulous. it is always nice to get together with friends and just hang out. i baked, we watched films and freshly-baked cookies were consumed in unbelievable amounts.
• diet coke... despite my many vendettas against this beverage, i have gaineda lot of weight and need to shift it. that isn't going to happen when i am drinking like, four regular cokes a day. so i am all about the diet coke at the moment.
• not actually doing work at work... i love it when i can be sneaky and do things that aren't work related at work.
• getting praise for things i have done... who doesn't love a bit of love?
• watching the departure of the drama trains... this, i find particularly fun. cheyenne used to be a regular stop for the drama train, so i was never at a loss for dramatic things going on (someone pregnant, someone deleting someone else on facebook, etc.). since i've been in england there has been a real downturn in the drama in my life. it's fun sometimes to just watch that train come in, crash and burn and pull the few cars it can forward to the next stop. i don't fuel it so much as just watch and get answers when i worry that someone i love is lying or being hurt, but still, it's fun.
• watching music videos from my childhood.... omg yes! i went through my old youtube favourites and it was delightful. lots of selena and reba. yay!

and... done. mostly because i have workies to get ready for and a husband to cuddle.

things and things tuesday

yes, i heart things... things and things... a list of them, plain and simple, is as follows:

• the way music is used in film... i have been noticing lately, much more than usual, the way that music producers use music to enhance different things in films. i especially have been finding i have a soft spot for the really cheezy films that play synthesized 'suspense' music when you should begin to worry and prepare for a blast...
• getting emails from actual people... i LOVE when i open my inbox and there, amongst all the trash and derbyfreecycle stuff, an email lives that has been lovingly handwritten by someone i actually know. the newest addition to my email fun this week was this, which really made me feel nice...

I have always been enamoured by you. Regardless of the times I have made wrong decisions or have opted to take an easy way out. I don't have it in me to let you go for some reason. You were the best friend anyone could ever have. The only one that accepted me for who I was in life. I don't mean in a love way, I mean in a human being way. I never had to try to show up or try to do crazy shit to make you laugh. I was just me. I guess I love the idea of that...

I just spent the last 2 hours reading every one of your posts @ blogspot.com. My goodness you have one of the most interesting lives around. I respect that. I read your thoughts on things and I get giddy just thinking about how you would act when you walked into the asylum and the big fish place. things like that are magical and I'm glad you try to capture all of the moments that you can.

I haven't seen you in such a long long time, yet it still feels as though I had just seen you recently. I remember how I could pick my nose in front of you and you wouldn't care, I could tell you the most insanely goofy shit and you would approve and be excited about it. I now realize what i need out of life. I seem to always have epiphanies when I'm deployed, I guess I have plenty of time to sit and think to myself. I am a selfish person, however a very giving person, depending on the situation. I'm not proud of what I have done and I have no excuse either. I truly never wanted to hurt you or make you unhappy in any way. I hope that you and Chris live the happiest and most fullfilling of all lives to be lived. I mean that from my heart. Never be unsure of yourself, you are the most awesome person that I have ever met in my life. I can't do hardly anything without thinking about you, that is how awesome you are. So keep smiling, not for me or anyone else, but for you. and know that you're thought of non-stop.

i don't know that i will actually reply, but suffice it to say that it was nice to receive and it made me feel better. thanks, if you are reading.

• being back at work... despite the fact that i LOVED my time off work, i have really been happy being back. everyone has been really helpful and it kinda feels nice to have people tiptoe around me and actually think before they pile lots of work on me. (side note: a really sad story is that, upon the day of my return, we were informed that there was a motorcycle accident on friday and my coworker's brother died. they had just moved in together and he, my coworker, was out of the country on holiday when it happened. a very morose atmosphere has enveloped the office, as can be expected. that particular coworker is off work now, as his home country is germany and they need to get the body taken back for the funeral. i really feel for him, losing a family member is so horrible.)
• janeyvisit! janey sent me a text today saying she would come visit me this month. OMG i hope she makes it. i heart her so much and i hate the way i have been feeling lately. i want to make this the most superfun derby visit she has ever had. fish and cupcakes will feature!
• movietime... i have been consuming SO many films over the last few days! OMG! a small list is as follows: the watchmen (eh), idiocracy (quite a delightful, not-very-well-known film), zathura: a space adventure (jumanji meets alien, totally fun!), teeth (very cheesy and not as good as the adverts make out but still totally worth watching for the aforementioned music and crappy plotline) and knowing (OMGWORSTFILMI'VEEVERSEEN!!!!!)
• knowing i crochet better than anyone i know... it delights me to no end that i am able to create things that nobody i know ever could. at the moment i am freestyling a vintage radio and OMG i am pleased with it so far.
• the fact that everyone i work with knows i collect crap... everyone i work with has finally realised that i actually just love everything all the time and have taken advantage of that fact when clearing out their houses by bringing me misc things that they find... the latest item is a fabulous set of pillowcases that mary brought from her mother-in-law's house (who has moved into a care home, sad for her, but score for me, as i will be getting all the clutter mary doesn't want!)

the end... for now! go forth and make your own lists!

oh it was fun, fun, fun...

well, i am now in the realm of feeling almost 'normal' despite a few glitches. monday saw me signed off for one more week so we could be sure that i was alright and my medication had settled. my consultant is really, an incredibly fabulous man. he really makes me feel like he is on my side and not trying to just get me through the system as quickly as possible so he can get his paycheck.
this week off has been a bit of fun and a bit of horror all melted into one pot. the horror has just featured the same old mix of husband resenting my problems. i guess it is hard because i feel like he should be the one who i can turn to and get support from when i need it but he has just been tapped and thinks that i should just shut all of this off like a running tap. it is so frustrating because he says he will be patient and once two days have passed with little or no progress he says that i should be all better now, which is just like a 'go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200' was drawn from the pile and i have to wait another two turns before i can start getting better again. i just feel like i can't get the point across clearly enough for him to understand. ho hum!

tuesday we pranced out to the giant fish shop in pinxton again and i was able to continue my love affair with the many stupendous fishies whilst husband picked out bog wood and chose the silver dollars we would be taking home... my adulterous acts proceeded with photos...

mister puffer and i were bff... as soon as i saw him i immediately started making googly faces at him and talking to him in an incredibly high-pitched voice. many people stared.

this is just an unbelievably huge cichlid tank that i fell in love with the first time i saw it... it is full of the most stupendous fishies ever.

and this sting ray, who became immensly excited the instant i came in and started hovvering all over the side of the tank, smiling at me.

we ended up coming home with four silver dollars, five tiger barbs and four orange shrimpies. i am in love with the barbs and shrimps. the shrimps have gone into hiding mode, but the barbs prance wildly for me every time i go into the room.

yesterday was full of delight. as suggested by my consultant, i decided to go spend some time with friends. the friend of choice for the day was powers. i arrived at his door at noon armed with oasis, bourbon creams and more dvds than you could shake a stick at. the day ended up a total success, mostly because we consumed four films, planned some exciting things for johnee scissazazzz and i came away with two electrical appliances, one for destroying and one for replicating in the form of crochet. i like the days we can get together because powers is just a big, fat lovely. he just makes everything calm and i can just sit and do nothing without having to worry about anything. we can talk, or not talk.... it's all okay.

the rest of my days have been full of planning for by birthday party. i am more excited than anything ever about my birthday, mostly because i plan to make it the best quarter-of-a-century birthday party that anybody has ever had. i am being given free reign at a local pub (for no charge!) and with that type of freedom, i plan to take advantage of everything i can. a list of the things i am planning as of today is as follows:

• four bands will be playing, the line-up being alastair (solo!), husband's band, hell death fury (a really stupendous band that is made up of fabulous creatures from chris's home town) and the dust collectors (a local amazingband).
• one freaking hysterical comedy duo
• the most epic cupcakes ever to have come out of my kitchen
• handmade gifts to be given out to 25 lucky guests
• everyone will be in fancy dress

i am just so excited that i start whooping everytime i think about it. it just gets more exciting with each passing day! yay!

that's about it, really.

the abc's of hearting

i really need to focus on more positive things lately, so here we go with some massive hearting fun...

A - andrew jackson jihad... a band i cannot get enough of at the moment. if you haven't freaking heard them, for the love of god, go and listen to them right this fucking instant.


B - baking... great crap there is nothing i love more than creating the perfect baked good. i love it... all the flavours and variations and fun you can have baking and, my favourite part, watching people eat them. i derive an indescribable amount of joy from watching people eat my baked goods.



C - crocheting... most likely one of the things i enjoy doing only slightly more than baking. lately i have been on a mission to crochet some incredible artifacts for people that have stunned and delighted many. i can only get better from here, i hope.


D - dying my hairs... ever since i was given permission from a young age to do it i have been completely in love with all the aspects of dying my hair. from picking out the perfect colour to having people comment on how fabulous it looks, i love every bit of it.

E - eggs... i could eat them anytime all the time. they are so unbelievably tasty.

F - finding things... i love it when i am tidying and suddenly come across something that i forgot i have. it could be something as simple as a letter i started writing last year or a photo, but it really makes my day. it always seems that i find things that are apt for that particular moment to... like i find a picture my neice drew for me on a day when i realise i need to write her back.

G - gala darling... reading her site really inspires me and makes me feel incredibly uplifted. she always has such fabulously sparkly words to say and they seem to always be just what i need to read.

H - husband... especially lately, i have been realising how important he is... at the moment i can't help but feel useless and like i don't deserve any love but i have been given the most special gift of all, which is husband. he is the most special creature in the world. he has put up with so much shit from me and really stood by me through everything that i have put him through. i love him so much and that unconditional love is what i need at the moment.

I - ice... i LOVE ice in my drinks. the last couple of weeks have featured many a tall glass of water or soda filled with ice. for some reason, a glass of cola tastes like 2,239% better with slightly melted ice in it.

J - just sitting around... oh my do i loves me a bit of just sitting around time. i love to just relax and have nothing to do and nobody to harass me.



K - kisses... despite being horrifically independent at the moment, i do occasionally adore the random kiss from my husband-face. he gives the best face-kisses in the world.

L - lists... my lists are horribly important to me and i love them ever-so-much. i am awaiting a large amount of lists from places around the world, which will make my days.





M - makeup... i adore makeup... particularly eyeshadow. i love getting every colour i can and experimenting with it in as many ways as i can. it is so much fun and can create some beautiful end-results.





N - new shoes... i love it when i get a new pair of shoes that i have been lusting after for a while. i love putting them on and prancing around the house in them for a while and then going out of the house and getting comments on them (as i obviously only ever get the most fabulous shoes)




O - odd surnames... a short list of my favourite surnames (of people i know) is as follows:

• fenstermacker
• beeman
• scharff
• hislop
• mcnaboe

P - photographs... lately photos have been really important to me. i have been glancing through my photo albums almost constantly to remind me that i am not alone and that i have all of these fabulous memories that i can hold on to to get me through the shit storm i am sailing through at the moment.

Q - quirky trinkets... our house is full of them. i could never list them all but they are ever-so-much fun. i seem to have a special sixth sense that helps me to spy really strange, fun and delightful things that i can place in selected spots all over our house. i LOVE them.


R - rain... the last few days particularly, have been offering us rain in massive abundance and i am so pleased with it. i love to leave the windows open all over the house and just listen to it. it is so relaxing and omg does it create beautiful ripples in puddles whilst i am waiting for my ride to work in the mornings.


S - shrimps... i love them mostly as pets. they are the most amazing creatures to watch. i could literally sit and watch them all day long. a special mention should be made for the fact that i do enjoy eating them as well.



T - taxidermy... i don't know why, but there is just something special about dead animals that have been mounted in place for the rest of the world to see. i am obsessed with it and am trying to learn how to do this on my own so i don't have to pay the soul-destroying prices that commercial establishments want for it.

U - ugly dogs... oh my sweet mother of god i love ugly dogs. they are just the most stupendous, lovely, sweet creatures in the world. i have always found myself more drawn to ugly dogs over any other fluffy, tiny, button-nosed canine. i think they are special to me for the sole fact that they are not always the ones chosen first by other people, so i will take them and love them... they tend to have more character than any other dog anyways.

V - videos that remind me of my childhood.... i love it when i see a video online or in a shop that reminds me of the days from my childhood. especially of late, i have been on a desperate search for as many things from my childhood as possible. i think a lot of this is rooted in the fact that when i moved to england, i had to get rid of all of the books, videos and toys that i had been collecting for, well, my whole life. i suddenly have realised how many things i miss and want them all to be a part of my life again, so i am making it so. i went on a spree a couple of months ago and bought loads of videos (the brave little toaster, all dogs go to heaven, mi vida loca, rockadoodle, roseanne, clarissa explains it all and full house) and have been on the hunt for others (bebe's kids, high strung and the rest of full house). i suspect this will be a never-ending, but fabulous job. everything has such an individual, special memory for me.

W - windy days... i adore the days when i have to wear a jacket and get carried along by the wind. perhaps i love these days especially because they remind me of cheyenne. the ever-so-glorious wind that made wyoming what it was. i LOVE it when the wind is just right and means i am not too hot or cold. but even if it isn't perfect, it still has that magical quality to make you feel like you could be picked up at any moment and carried away, which i find to be very ec

X - xylophones... i have a particular soft spot for mine as it is perfect and small and beautiful, but i love all of them. it dates back to the days in elementary school when we would go to music class and one very lucky student was given those magical wooden wands to play the xylohone. i was very rarely that lucky student, but now i am that student every day!


Y - yarn... i adore all things yarn. i collect it like a crazy old woman. most of the yarn i have has been sitting in my bedroom, on a shelf, doing nothing for several years but i can't stop the compulsion to buy a fabulous colour or texture just in case if i see it on sale in a shop. it is a horrible sickness that drives husband absolutely insane. i typically have an idea for it when i buy it but tend to completely forget it when i actually get around to finding it again.

Z - zombies... OMG! i heart zombies like woah! i am totally in love with everything about them. i consume as much as possible about them as i find it interesting to see all the different ways that people approach them in film, book and photo. there are so many variations and approaches that i could just... well... i don't know. they are just so fun and interesting and offer so much variety.

you make me feel

depression is far more than the feeling of being fed up and miserable that everyone experiences. we feel useless, desperate, guilty, hopeless, unable to think properly, do the things you usually do. we may lose interest, feel exhausted but also restless, agitated, irritable, burst into tears for no apparent reason. we may also lose our appetite, lose weight, have difficulty sleeping, wake up much earlier than usual, lose all interest in sex. we may find it difficult, if not impossible to do the ordinary things of everyday life: work, look after ourselves, see friends. the future looks bleak and we may believe that there is little point in going on, seeing death as the only way out of the awfulness.
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i hate how accurate this is... it is from an informative leaflet from a manic depression website. i hate that these are all the things i feel. i hate it for so many reasons, but mostly because it just feels like it is getting worse. like i have no way out and that i have nobody that would help me out even if i did want out of this stupid hole. i feel so unbelieveably alone... i don't have any idea what to do. i haven't seen or heard from my friends in a long time, bar hannah, who has really been lovely.

i feel like a big, fat burden on everyone i come into contact with, like i am just ruining all of their lives simply by existing. i feel so small and broken and alone. i hate it.

the doctor has changed my medication and is referring me for CBT, but i just want to be better now. i am sick of husband not understanding and people avoiding me because they don't understand. i just want to be better so people can start liking me again.

people keep saying, 'oh, come over to mine!' but i just can't and i don't know how to tell them without making them think i am just useless. i am terrified to leave the house. i... eh.

depression.

UPDATED! plus hearting!

well, busy danie certainly is busy! let me tell you about it!

work has been iffy. it has been manic and last week i was on a big rush to get lots of things done because i am off this week. the office will actually fall apart without me there if everything is not perfectly orchestrated, so i had to make a lot of lists and have a lot of meetings to make sure nothing got too out of control in my absence.

i am in the middle of a bit of a depressive episode, which made all of the above fun and joyous for everyone involved.

by the time friday rolled around i ended up snapping at satankim in quite a sassy manner which, initially she said would result in a meeting with her, me and her boss, Judith (who is lovely, extraordinarily quiet and oh-so-beautiful). upon her exit from my office i spent a bit of time weeping and feeling all poopy. satankim than retired to a completely different meeting... i seized this as the perfect time to approach judith and talk to her about how satamkim makes me feel (incredibly small, stupid and like i can never, ever do anything right) and we discussed how i am doing mentally and emotionally overall (NOT well... a big, stinky pile of weepy). she was really lovely and we ended up not having the other meeting.

now i am off and OMG it has been non-stop. the in-laws showed up friday afternoon and, as it had been a while since husband saw them, the obivous script for the evening would feature much drinking which would, in turn, alienate danie. this is because i am absolutely terrified of drinking too much on my new medication. the evening worked out as planned and my weep-fest continued with me on my own in the lounge, luckily. it was nice in some ways because that meant husband had people to entertain him and i had a bit of a break.

saturday featured shopping and general prancing. we just sat around town and i felt it necessary to apologise over and over again to my mother-in-law for how i had been acting. she's a psychiatric nurse, so she knows all about what i am going through from a clinical point of view, so she just shrugged it off.

sunday was a delightful day that saw us go to a giant and somewhat delapitated stately home nearby. it was incredibly beautiful. we walked and walked and walked and i really enjoyed it.

monday rolled around and we were meant to leave for wiltshire as soon as i got out of my doctor's appointment in the afternoon but after a great deal of discussion and teetering back and forth, it was decided that we would stay in derby... this was for several reasons... they can be seen listed as follows:

• we are quite short on money and would thusly be stuck doing VERY cheap or free things.
• chris had had enough of his parents and worried that if we were to go down and spend much more time with them he might kill one of them or himself.
• there was a chance that my doctor's appointment would have resulted in me being put on new medication, which wouldn't have been a great deal of fun in a new house and around lots of new/not-so-familiar people.
• we had a substantial number of fishy deaths which left us worrying for john's sanity in taking care of them whilst we were away.

because we didn't go to wiltshire, i have been able to seize a massive amount of opportunities, which i would have most likely regretted missing out on in the long-run. these include the following:

• my very first PAID cupcake job! one of my friends has asked me to bake 50 cakes for a little party she is having for her chorale group. i has an excited. it all feels very official and like something i want to make sure i keep doing for a very long time.
• i am getting to help one of my friends on a short film today and tomorrow. today was just a short day of waiting around, helping set up the set and stuff, but tomorrow will be MUCH more fun and will involve me arriving at the set for seven in the morning and being the wardrobe girl for the two actors. i will be in charge of making sure their costumes are consistent and perfect at all times. i will be doing this until eight at night and them coming home to sleep for OMGbakingfuntime!
• stuffing liam! our guinea pig died last week and whilst it was a sad loss, i am very excited to have my first chance to attempt taxidermy. yay!
• book my tickets for my next trip to janeytown! **scree**

well, that's it. busy and very emotionally up and down. eh.

a short list of things i heart...

• cat power
• watching the fish
• hollyoaks
• feeling important
• ice in my drink on a hot day
• ice lollies
• doughnuts
• taxidermy
• sleeping in (which i may be able to do again, one day)
• the last video of michael jackson rehearsing
• computer games
• knowing that i can now knit, despite being stupidly slow
• my crocheted phone!
• going through old playhouse wardrobe rooms
• john goncalves
• jarvis cocker

-end-

i heart things tuesday

has another week ACTUALLY passed? it feels like i was just sat here yesterday doing a list for people that most likely don't even bother reading them. (except for princess ashley, who i can always count on). let's just get to the nitty gritty...

• the science of sleep! fuck me this is a fabulously beautiful film! i watched it a couple of weeks ago with powers and to be honest, i am still shocked that i didn't put this on my list ages ago. the film is a mix of french and english and just the most beautiful set design and scriptwork. i can't believe what a magical film this was. it was obviously made all the better with ice cream, powers, hannah and blue hair dye. if you watch this film, try and make it as magical as possible for you... things that can assist you in achieving this include, but are not limited to the following... clotted cream ice cream, a good friend, a craft to work on, some fluffy cushions, a mobile on silent, a glass of your favourite beverage and comments that will be remind you of a fabulous afternoon each time you watch it from then on.
• telly time with husband! husband has decided to grace me with his presence more often this last week in the shape of watching several films and programmes with me. we have consumed such gems as Doomsday (which is made of a small bit of fail), the Machinist (which was surprisingly delightful with its imagry and twist which, by the way, i figured out BEFORE the end of the film, which is nice!), Mum and Dad (which is also made of fail, but fun in the horrible imagery), Butcher Boy (which is fabulous! i bought the film solely based on the cover and it totally didn't disappoint!) and Inside Nature's Giants (which was a documentary filming the dissection of an elephant. holy wow they has amazing intestines!). it has been really nice to spend time with him. because i am an emotional trainwreck at the moment, it has been nice to spend time together that does not feature me crying or being arsey.
• CHALLIS!! she is a beautious creature that i want to fold up, put in my pocket and keep with me for always. saturday was the first time her and i hung out like, for reals and it was just lovely. we have a lot in common and she loves my cupcakes and we can just talk and talk and talk. i heartz hers so muchz!
• CUPCAKES!!!! OMG i made the greatest cupcakes evar this last weekend. they were just the most beautifully perfect, tasty, colourful cupcakes ever in the world. every batch i make is better than the last and gets me one step closer to starting my wee home-based business.

eh. husband just threw a patty and now i am not in the mood. that's all for now.