you're beautiful... shame about your face. other things too.

i have been full of a lot of horror and bummed-ness the last couple of evenings... despite an amazing series of days which involve work and swimming and generally getting my fucking life in order. ali and i have been really working on making ourselves better people. it has been really refreshing to get a new look on life and things and have someone from outside of my house to talk to.
he has really offered me a lot of support and light and general 'weeeeeeee!' over the last week, which is what i have needed. he and i have been planning a lot of things regarding his work and i have been taking on some artsy crafts for one of his graphic novels, which will be incredible. it has just been nice to have something in my life that is almost exclusively beautiful.

but you know, it doesn't matter how beautiful and splendid my life is, it seems that i just HAVE to have something to shit on it. unfortunately, that something is husband. he is making me want to die at the moment and i fear that this show may be ending its final act. he and i just don't get on anymore. we just fight and he just hates me all the time for everything i do.

i just cannae deal with that. i am really on a mission to destroy all bits of ugly in my life. i really want everything that might resemble negative, horrible filth to just leave me alone. as a result, i have been helping those things out. just getting rid of them. i just don't have it in me to deal with any of it anymore. i hate how unhappy and miserable i have turned out since living in england. i need to fix it and i don't think i will be able to do that whilst here with husband.

jane and theo have been here the last couple of days and despite the high hopes i had for their visit and the positives it would bring... i have just been feeling worse. chris has been treating me really badly and generally taking the pee out of me in front of them, not really regarding anything but his own delight and feelings.

i don't need it. it really hit me last night that i think this is it. i think that once they go we will have a bit of time apart (and by 'apart' i mean, separate rooms) to just sort out our heads... time i will use to start some new medicine, work more on my crochetting project and work out more with ali. i just feel like, at the moment, there is no point in bothering with our relationship. if it works out because of our love for one another then it does, if not... then it was not meant to last. i do not feel like i have control over it anymore. it all just hurts too much.

i feel like an empty shell at the moment. everything i am doing and saying and thinking is just a big mechanical part of a day that i have no control over. i feel irrational, miserable and listless.

i don't really know what to say.

i heart things and things tuesday!! hooray!

well, i think today i will just start and see where i go. i am feeling quite queer in the belly and not completely sure of what is up or down, so... well... we shall see..

• Mr Powers... there are so many creatures in my life that i love more than other things, but this is the one creature that, no matter what bad decisions he makes, i just want to always make happy. everything about him is incredibly beautiful. a lot like me, he goes through a great deal of peaks and troughs when it comes to his depression and general existence, but that never ever stops him from creating amazing music and other miscellaneous art. oftentimes, i know that i can trust him to just lead a life of splendid, but every so often he flies off the rails and i immediately fall into mum mode and feel the desperate need to sweep in and fix things for him. he showed up at a gig this weekend and was a complete train wreck. i just wanted to cuddle him and make him tell me who was upsetting him so i could make it all better, but that was not the time or the place. so i called him after the gig... after someone accused him of stealing things and hit him in the face. i called him and told him that i was going to make it better. i was going to come to his house the next day after work and just spend time with him. when he and i are alone we have some of the most amazing talks ever. we have a huge amount in common because of our depression, so i went over last night and just sat with him. i made cups of tea and did his washing up and made him sing to me. and he obliged. he sang all of my favourite songs, even though he hates singing some of them. ali is just incredible on so many levels and all i want to do is make sure he is constantly happy. we hugged a lot last night. he cried, i wanted to. i just... fuck's sake. he just needs to be happy. so i am helping him fix his CV and find a job. that is what he needs. i heart mr powers more than most other creatures...
• naked singers... at the above-mentioned gig there were a couple of guys who got on stage... not just random guys, mind, they were actually a booked act for the gig. well, they got on, sang a song and i was not hugely excited about them... i was wanting to figure out alastair and all his big time troubles... until hannah pointed out that they had completely stripped all their clothes off. it was then that i tuned in and realised that they were INCREDIBLY hysterical! literally, i almost died. the nudist on the right decided to have a wee on 'guy-sitting-down-with-flat-cap-on' then had a sausage thrown at him that he put up his bum. it wasn't just their juvenile antics that delighted me though, they were really talented. the lead singer had a fabulous voice and their lyrics were totally amazing. as a lyric hussy, it is necessary for any band that i appreciate to be able to weave a beautiful web of words. they did this with flying colours!
• when i see what i will be like as a mum... as soon as i had first seen her, i thought, 'man, she looks bitchin' i hope i am like that when i am a mum.' and she REALLY was. she ended up being the mum of the boy who likes to wee on people's heads and was just amazing. she danced and pranced around and talked to everyone and was just overall an astoundingly beautiful lady. by the end of the night she was outrageously drunk and got on stage for the running around 'mosh' fest that was occurring between all the youngsters at the gig. the best bit ever... and i will never forget this for the rest of my life, happened JUST after i took this photo, when she decided to display just how much she was like her son and pulled her trousers and pants off to show us all her minge. it was literally the funniest thing i have ever seen in my life. it really did make me realise what a loose cannon i am going to be as a mum. before we left i was compelled to run over to her (fully clothed) and give her a cuddle and tell her i thought she was amazing.

• my desk at work!! i am slowly making it my own and it is all really much easier when i have a big fat bay window right behind me... i heart my desk and the fact that the photos are slowly building up. (along with my squishy tomato and wee zen garden husband bought me)

other things i heart?
my ipod, my camera, the goldfishes, nintendogs, my lists, husband, husband kisses, maple syrup and pancakes, crochetting, toothpaste that DOESN'T taste like death covered in baking soda, getting parcels from my sister (especially when i see her handwriting on the box), dressing up, my hair, chevy, the fact that jane and theo are coming to visit soon!!, excel spreadsheets, reading mental health files i am not really meant to, hollyoaks, lee, potterton...

chevy chase and cupcakes make my heart go wheeee!!

it is like, when i see him, i just get a surge of love and excitement that makes my insides want to explode out of me in a hailstorm of glitter.

he is just the most special boy ever. chris complains because most of the people who come to visit have a huge allergic reaction and need to leave because of his fur. i say, 'if you can't handle the heat, stay out the the flipping kitchen!' he is MY baby bun and nobody takes precedence over him.

i just wanted you all to know how beautiful and special he is... so have a look.

i heartz himz!







also, i made cupcakes for the first time in my life today... be jealous!

i heart things and things tuesday!

oh my oh my! not SUCH a huge week worth of hearting things, but i have a few for you...

• I WORK IN AN ASYLUM!! yeah! i do and you don't! i started my new job yesterday at the local asylum and it is just literally the most perfect place ever. it is like, when you see an asylum in the movies with the long, dark corridors and vast grounds for the patients to walk around in, that is where i work!! i had my interview just when i got back from america in april and finally got to start and it is just lovely. i work with all the best people in the world and get to spend my days in an office with a giant bay window and a wrap-around desk all to myself. it is incredibly sad though, because they are tearing all the old buildings down to pave the way for some newer, more 'user friendly' wards and offices... which generally translates to the fact that they are taking away all my foliage friends and creating a more impersonal and frightening place for all the patients to have to live. it is sad firstly because some of the patients have lived there for like, twenty years and they are having their homes ripped down to be replaced by some giant grey buildings. secondly, the old buildings are just so beautiful. i will take some photos so you can see how amazing it is, but mygod. it is just like being in 'girl, interrupted' or 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest' when i am at work.
• Rik Mayall. i literally cannot get enough of him at the moment. i am reading his book currently and it is just the funniest thing i have ever read in my entire life. i have been reading a lot about him lately and watching a few of his films and i just cannot imagine a better person to just sit and hang out with. he is so hysterical.
• the dark night OMG!!! i went and saw it last night and OMG OMG OMG!!! like, christian bale was the biggest disappointment ever in the world, as i could not understand a single word his put-on voice was saying, but for fuck's sake heath was ALMOST as good as jack nicholson. the entire film just made me squeal with gleee and if you are not keen on spoilers, do not highlight the following writing! for god's sake how hysterical was it when denton's face lit on fire? literally, one of the only bits where i burst out laughing (which i seem to love to do when it comes to films and laughing inappropriately. it also seemed that the film tried to just have far too many twists and OMG how horrible was the 'love interest' in the film? i am quite delighted she died. just too much went on and how long did the film last?! like three hundred years?! i really suggest you go see it if you want to have a brilliant night out at the cinema. it is totally worth it!

i am sure there are misc, but i just cannae be bothered to type them out. it is time for hollyoaks!!

you + me = perfect

What's his name? christopher john butcher

How long did you date? um... well, we met seven years ago, started talking on the phone five years ago and i am going to say that that is most likely when we started 'dating' as it were. and by dating, i mean 5 hour long phone-dates where we ate dinner together and talked about life and junk.

How old is he? twenty-five.

Who eats more? most definitely him. he tends to eat all of his and then anything i don't finish.

Who said "I love you" first? him. he was drunk and said... 'if i was there, i would hold you and tell you how i can't live without you and how much i love you.' just to be sure i lured him into another trap the following night, as you can never be sure of what a drunk boy says.

Who is taller? please see above.

Who sings better? i am going to have to say me... mostly because i CAN sing quite well and have had training. he likes to fluctuate a lot, which makes my ears want to fall off.

Who is smarter? he is actually the smartest person in the world. he knows everything there is to know about everything.

Who does the laundry? we both do, but i like for me to do it because i use the perfect balance of detergent and fabric softener.

Who does the dishes? me. we made an agreement that i would always do kitchen-related tidying if he did all pig-related things.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? moi.

Who pays the bills? we usually share them as equally as possible.

Who mows the lawn? me.

Who cooks dinner? usually him, but i am trying.

Who drives when you are together? last night hannah did, sometimes lester, usually some sort of a pakistani.

Who is more stubborn? most definitely me, yo.

Who kissed who first? him. the day we met we went back to his sister's to deposit my bags and then went for a walk to the pub. on the walk he stopped me and asked me if it would be alright if he kissed me.

Who asked whom out first? we never really did the conventional 'asking out' thing. we just did it.

Who proposed? again, we never actually did the conventional proposal thing. we both decided it would be the best and easiest thing to do when we did as we knew we were going to get married anyways.

Who is more sensitive? oh my lord jesus i am.

Who has more friends? we both really have the same friends. i guess i could go so far as to say i have a few more, as i have worked several jobs that have given me more opportunities, but otherwise, we are equal.

Who has more siblings? me.

Who wears the pants in the family? he likes to think he does and i guess in some ways, he does... but i like to think that we both do.

12: was there anything unusual about your birth?

well, i was hugely fat for being two weeks early.

also, despite both of my sisters taking over 24 hours to pop out, i only took four. which, i can suspect can only be attributed to the fact that i was the third child to come out of my mum's vagina.

11: do you have any siblings?

indeed! i have two sisters... they are quite lovely. i never really know what to call them. as a child i always just called them my sisters but now, given our family history, i am often forced to call them 'half sisters' as we only share the DNA of our mum. we look a dramatic amount alike (or so people say) and get along reasonably well, despite many problems in the past.

i get along mostly with my eldest sister, LaDonna, who is just an incredibly fabulous creature who really does have a huge amount in common with me. she is just hysterical and really down to earth.

i loves her big time.

i also have two brothers-in-law due to marriages to my sisters and a sister-in-law through husband.

10: what were your first words and who told you what they were?

i am going to guess that my mum told me what my first words were and that she told me they were 'mum.'

9: what's your saddest memory?

as a child or overall? i guess if we are talking about my saddest memory from childhood that causes me a pain in my belly from thinking about it, it would be when i had to go to the vet with one of our ill dogs. he was old and had run away and gotten hit by a car so he had a fucked up spine and his prostate was swollen, causing him extreme pain.

he was my mum's favourite and because she was disabled, she could not come with us. when we got there the vet said that he would have to be put down. he was suffering quite a great deal. i spoke to mum and she agreed. i couldn't be in the room when it happened, so i waited out in reception. i still heard him yelp just before he died though and it was one of the most horrible sounds in the world.

i will never forget the look on my mum's face when i came home with just puppy's blanket in my hands. it totally broke her heart.

i heart things and things NOT tuesday

you know, every so often i get excited about a giant amount of things before the week is out and i just cannae hold it in or i will forget all of it and then the list on tuesday runs the chance of being barren.

so as a result, on the occasion that my delight cannae be controlled, i am now implementing 'i heart things and things NOT tuesday!' hooray!

on to hearting!

• Japanese Restaurants... on our last night in brighton, husband and i had a wee date at a tiny japanese restaurant and MYGOD it was the best ever. like, usually, when you go into a chinese restaurant the waitresses are large and moody. they make it seem like you are inconveniencing them in some way because you would like to ingest food. well, at this restaurant (which, for some reason i cannae find the name of) the waitresses were all the tiniest japanese women you have ever seen in your life and they just pranced around and smiled the most precious smiles ever. it was like all the cutest little japanese schoolgirl stereotypes all rolled into one when you saw them. so friendly and oh so precious. and the meal... OMG the meal! it was like, the best thing ever. it was a prawn den ricebowl with like, the best white excitement ever tossed all over the top. the rice was perfect and the honey ribs and prawn tempura was to die for. i was mostly the most pleased ever. no, really. it was just amazing.
• the sea. i have now grown to realise that if i do not live by the sea at least once in my life i will have not lived to the fullest of my capacity. being from midwestern america, i was never privy to the joys of excess humidity and the saltiest water in the world, but i took advantage of the sea whilst i was there much like a randy college boy would were he to see a drunken, passed-out paris hilton laying on his couch. i wept upon first glance of it. we drove by it on the minibus and i just welled up (which is nothing THAT exciting, as i seem to be weeping at every single thing, ever at the moment). upon arrival at our hotel, we settled in, unpacked and departed for a prance around a city that held no familiarity with us. we were with two other people and i could barely contain myself from just running away from them and flying into the sea fully-clothed. instead, though... i contained myself long enough to allow us to get some cupcakes and cider for an afternoon of amazing delight. the cupcakes were perfect, the cider was icy and the sea was producing all the best sounds in the world. we met up with gem and mel after their meal and returned to our posts at the seafront with more cider and fish and chips for some pre-wedding chats and generally to enable us to breathe in as much of the most beautiful air in the world. due to the amount of booze cat and i had drunk, we decided to go paddling in the sea only to decide that our calves getting wet was not nearly enough, so we moved in further so our thighs were participating... soon, though... that was not enough. we needed to become a part of the sea and we sat in and the sea just hugged us like i have never been hugged in my life. it covered us and it was the warmest and loveliest experience ever.
  i honestly cannot recommend the sea any more than OMG you NEEDZ to go NOW!! it is the best thing ever. OMG!
• orangina. never before have i drunk orangina, but i have decided that after i saw the following advert on telly that i have no choice but to drink it almost constantly... please watch and enjoy...

• swapping things... again!! so, i have received another swap and i just cannot stress how much fun it is! this time i have swapped with a girl in florida and she has sent me the largest box of delights ever. as you can see from the photo there are oreo cakesters, chef boyardee ravioli pots, almond joys, maple syrup and grape delight! i have almost never been happier in my life. it is just the best thing ever to get parcels and to open them and just... well... it's just like christmas. i cannot explain how amazing it is. i will be sending her stuff off tomorrow and it is just as much fun from my end. you get to imagine what this person that you do not know would enjoy. i just love to be able to share all the delights that are in england with other people who are NOT here. it is so fun!

• honourable mentions... american treats aplenty, coke, my goldfish, cupcakes, popping spots, when i overhear classic conversations (an example is when we were walking down the street in brighton and we overheard a lady arguing with a shopkeeper and she decided it would be fair to say the following... 'fuck off back into your shop and suck your mutha's cunt!' yeah... classic, indeed), maple syrup, rik mayall, cheesecake, chevy, alan carr...

big gay weddings and a small amount of disappointment.

a list of things that i did for gem and mel for the wedding?

• made the bouquet of wonder and flowers for bridesmaids to wear.
• cared for their dog in a hotel across the city because theirs apparently does not like dogs (and as a result, was kept up all night the first night due to his incessant groin chewing and leg licking).
• planned the hen night of delight.
• gave up my house and my husband's cooking skills for the hen night so all the ladies had a place to convene, eat a big fat curry, make themselves pretty and suitably inebriated.
• planned and organised the wedding cake of glory to be as they did not have a wedding cake and it is just NOT RIGHT for someone to not have cake on their wedding day!
• went to numerous dress fittings and took photos to help the beautiful gem be sure that the dress was absolutely perfect.
• left work early several times to meet up to discuss wedding-related things.
• made countless phone calls to make sure everything was just right. (this included people bringing things for the hen night, wedding and for the BBC to send flowers to their room on their wedding day)
• spent more money than i ever should have for food and decorations.
• was the only reason that gem had bridesmaids, as she did not even think to have any until i mentioned it.
• was NOT asked to be an official witness to their wedding.

should i be pissy about it? no, most likely not, but it still feels like a bit of a slap in the face because i REALLY put a lot into this. this wedding stressed me out more than my own wedding did and at the end, when the officiator came out to prepare the witnesses for the ceremony, he called sarah up instead of me.
i am not saying i regret doing the things i did for them, and perhaps it is a wee bit petty for me to be upset about it but it just feels like perhaps that would have been the ultimate thank you for someone who threw their entire life out of whack to make sure your wedding and hen night was as perfect as physically possible. am i just being stupid? when i say it out loud i feel like i am just being a big fat stupid face but mygod, i am only human.

**************************************************************************

anyways, all that aside, the wedding and the entire holiday was flipping brilliant. in fact, if i do say so myself, the entire week has been perfect.

it all started last friday when i left work in a big fat hurry to ensure i was home in time to get all the shopping done for the hen night. i tidied like i never have in my life, got all the decorations i could ever need and made all the final phone calls.

saturday was a day of OMG TEH STRESS!! husband was still in a whirlwind of unsure-ed-ness about whether or not he wanted to even come home and help cook. i was running around tidying and answering the almost-constant phone calls from the BBC, trying to figure out when they were arriving. when they finally arrived, it all calmed. i was able to just sit and relax. they helped decorate and we discussed the differences between drinking here in england and america. the crew were amazing. i really enjoyed talking to them.

once everyone arrived i was able to really just chill out. i LOVE playing the hostess and i can say that there is no more satisfaction than pouring your first drink for a guest of the night and watching everyone sit in the garden eating a meal lovingly prepared by your husband...

it went a little like this...

we ate and pranced... once we were finished and we have performed a suitable amount of talking, we then proceeded to take a group photo and run away to another pub of which i am not such a huge fan. it turned out amazing though because SO MANY splendid people turned up.
we were obviously followed by the three from the filming crew for the entire night, but it was so totally fun. cherry, who is in the red top to the right there. she was just like, the funnest person ever. her and i had many a lovely talk that night.

the film crew made a quick stop over to the stag's night just so they could see how much less they are enjoying themselves and we moved on to another pub which sucked balls.


upon arriving, the landlord was incredibly inebriated and therefore the most awkward person on the planet. he decided he would short change husband a pound and when husband mentioned it the guy said that he could make something of it and if he did, he would bar him from the pub. yeah. apparently, he rolls like that. after that incident we decided to finish our drinks off and run away to the next pub where we were to meet the stags.


OMG was this place glorious. i hadn't been there in over a year and since then it had been turned into a gaybar which i had been a bit leery about because it was like, the most heterosexual bar ever in the world before. WELL! let me just say, it was the most fabulous place ever on the planet. and i shall show you!



and OMG the wedding was incredible. i really had a brilliant time in brighton. it was my first time REALLY seeing the sea and i couldn't have imagined it to have been any better.

i am just going to post loads of photos now, as i am completely exhausted.












overall, it was just splendid because i was at at the sea and husband was there and i got to share a really special event with some very close friends. i really, really loved these last few days. they were something i will remember forever. hooray!

dear hairs... AGAIN!

don't say i didn't warn you. i tried to tell you that your last chance was looming and you wouldn't believe me. you still caused me trouble, embarassed me in front of my friends.

i couldn't take it anymore. it's over.