4. get my british citizenship

whilst it happened ages ago, it's worth saying that this, it's been done! after many, MANY stressful nights studying and many bank transfers, i can officially say that i am a british citizen and nobody can take that away from me.

the way was celebrated with Pow, Franny and Nick. July 6th played host to Nick's birthday and my birth into the country i've been in love with since i was five. it was incredibly emotional and stupendously everything i hoped it would be.

thank you england, for taking me in as your own. i'll be back and we'll continue our love affair.

i want to thank you...

i'm noticing it a lot lately...

i'm kinda an adult now. it's fun and scary and interesting and... i don't really know.

i realized it quite suddenly just sat outside. i was watching the rain from our front porch (which, can i just say, is an amazing thing to have in the rain) and thinking about my ex-husband.

i emailed him this morning because of my new/old obsession, which is The Sims 2. i always forget that i should not play it because i tend to completely let it control my life. i've been spending the last two days perfecting a house for "janey" and "me"... i've yet to actually even start PLAYING the game, just building houses. but when i play The Sims, i REALLY play it... i download loads of extra shit and pimp the fuck out of my houses, which is why it has been two days and i still have yet to complete a house.

please note, that my being an adult has NOTHING to do with playing The Sims and i am admitting that now. that's one thing i do that i really should not be doing when i KNOW there are clothes in the washing machine that need drying and i KNOW that there are dishes in the dishwasher that could do with putting away and i KNOW that there are cupcakes i need to bake. but you know what? i've applied for one job today and looked for other jobs and i STARTED that load of laundry that's slowly rotting away in the washing machine after rolling out of bed to snuggle the boyface before he left for workies at a quarter past five this morning, so give me a freaking break!

anyways, i emailed Christopher because i needed to know how to do something on the computer... it was only immediately after emailing him that i fixed what i asked him for help with and proceeded to play The Sims for two hours.

when i was finished perfecting the living room and "janey's" bedroom i quit for the morning. i need to update my ipod and do some housework, but i checked my email first, one of which was from Christopher. it was a friendly email... one of the ones i really enjoy receiving. one of the ones that makes me think that i will be able to talk to him about music, computers and fish long into the future. i immediately replied with pride, announcing i had fixed my problem and proceeding to tell him about job searches and fish and blah, blah, blah.

post-email i went for my fag and had my revelation, which is why i am now sat here, typing away instead of eating or mopping the bathroom floor. i NEEDED to tell you all and thank someone.

i sat there and thought about Christopher... and then thought about the fish and the fact that i want to brew some cider. then i thought about what i will be making for dinner and remembered that i should hoover, which led me to remember that the only reason i will be ABLE to hoover when i finally get around to it is because i changed the belt just before leaving for Cheyenne.

after a series of thoughts like these, i realized it... i realized i'm an adult who cooks, sews, cleans, works (when given the chance) and makes conscious decisions. i thought about all the adult things that i do and tried to remember when and where that happened. how i transitioned from "sassy teen" to "Danie, SUPER ADULT!"

all of it happened in England and all of it happened whilst i was with Christopher... or as a direct result of him. he is the reason i know more than i ever needed to know about hoovers, after seeing him take several apart and put them back together. he's the reason i know how to cook, after watching his trials and errors in the kitchen for five years. he's the reason i sew and crochet, because he generally embraced me doing creative things and commended my dedication to my arts and worklife.

i am an adult almost completely because of Christopher... an adult that i am so, so happy with and an adult that i wouldn't be had i not married him or spent five years of my life with him.

so, i guess this is a thank you, if you are reading this... and an announcement to everyone else that I'M AN ADULT!! YAY!!

my name is tuesday...

yep. a better mood today. whilst there are still no job prospects, things FEEL better for me. things FEEL okay... mostly.


i've been talking to people and occupying myself and am overall just a tiny little happy camper when i don't stop and think about everything too much.

granted, i AM still overthinking things, because who would i be if i didn't? i'm still having little freak-outs, but they SEEM to be coming in less fast and thick. more slow and thin? yes. i'll stand by that.

let's just do this list, yes? i'm gonna warn you now, it'll be a little graphic, so if you are a family member or friend who still thinks i don't have sex, please stop reading now.

llama lips
llamas
Mike Rowe... PHWOAR! are you KIDDING me?! how have i never seen him before and WHY are we not married yet?!
jogging
talking to janey... it's like being back in england, where i can ring her without it costing me my soul. i love janeyface so much and talking to her again on a regular basis has really helped me.
having a shaved head
going to work out at the gym on base... primarily fun because it's free and secondarily because i get to see all the ARMY boys get all squirmy when they see me prance in in my excited manner and bust out my tattoos and... well, it's just fun. saturday saw no less than twenty boys come in PURELY just to look at me and then leave, as if each one would leave and go out to tell the next person about the "alternative girl with a shaved head" rocking out on the elliptical (which i WAS doing, hardcore.)
baby goats
Rubbermaid products
blueberry muffins... which i made and have delighted a couple of people with. i shall delight more with them tonight.
the sound of a person's (Muffin's) breaking as they are about to cum... good GOD. SUCH a satisfying sound. like, sex  is good enough, but really, honestly, the best bit for me is when the other person starts that heavy breathing that means they're about to cum. SUCH a sexy, sexy, SEXY thing.
Sex... since we're on the topic. i've never rated it much, but i'll be goddamned if i don't want it like, every waking minute now. literally, Muffin is sick of me, but he DOES love boasting to his friends about his girlfriend that can't seem to keep away from his cock long enough for him to shower or eat.
when my two favourite Hoarder psychiatrists are on the same episode... oh i can't for the life of me find their bloody names anyplace, but one's the blond lady who's incredibly gentle, cuddly and helpful and the other's the no-nonsense guy with the ass-chin. i LOVE both of them equally and i simply can't CONTAIN myself when they're both one the same episode.
when Muffin purchases me cigarettes...  mostly because he HATES fags, but he knows that at the moment, they are a vice that makes me a little less mental, so he helps and buys them for me. i love him.
Austin Lucas
days when the rain falls heavy and hard
Sims 2... and also the fact that i am currently making a house with Janey and me in it that is amazingly classy.
mornings after a night without valium... i feel less groggy and alive, which is always nice.
doing laundry
ironing
being under 180lbs for the first time in YEARS
Sarah Luna
Josh Padgett
Alanna Padgett
dusting
writing Muffin secret notes and hiding them places
mocking Origami
texts from my sister
how fast my hairs are growing
planning my birthday
painting my nails
crocheting
 

happy seven months dan and dane...

it was just like Manface all over again.

i know i've promised not to use that name again, but the feelings i've just gone through, just now, they are very, exactly similar to the ones that i felt when she, Christopher's new female was still referred to as Manface. i do apologize if you are reading this ANNA, because i really, honestly have no harsh feelings towards you, the feelings i had in the beginning have shifted dramatically and i really don't mean to offend, it's just the only way i know how to describe what i'm feeling. what i've just felt.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

i didn't WANT to go, but i DID need butter and eggs and to SEE. it's a morbid fascination i had with ANNA and one that i have with Origami. it's a very unhealthy way of helping validate myself as prettier and better if i can SEE her and compare myself to her physical demeanor. i really, REALLY know it sounds bad... i don't need anyone to tell me. it's childish and petty and stupid, but it makes me feel better in myself, which is something i really need at the moment. it's something i should really work though in a more constructive manner, but really, who's it hurting? apart from nobody?

yeah, just as i thought.

in any event, every time i get the chance to SEE Origami, i never actually seize the opportunity. i always chicken out and end up bumbling around like a lost child until Muffin's ready to pay attention to me.

anyways, back to the Mart of Wal...

we drove. images of what the transaction would look like danced around in my mind... what i would do. i kept asking him what he wanted me to do. typically, he just likes for me to hide away as much as possible so as to protect HER from having to see ME. as if that happening might somehow cause a horrific, world-destroying event that nobody would survive from.

i finally decided that it would most likely play out like some seedy drug deal where he walks up to her car, taps on the window three times, in a special code where she would roll her window down 3/4 of an inch to edge the money out and then they would part ways... that was the easiest way for me to see it happening. as little contact as possible.

my imagination failed me.

instead, we parked two sections away from her car and i agreed i would go into the shop and pick up my baking goods and he would meet me after the transaction.

i started to prance in and he walked towards her car, where she was apparently absent, so he walked towards the store. we walked together, a "safe" distance apart and he stopped just at the entrance and said he was going to call her and he'd meet me after he got the money from her.

i pranced to the dairy section, half-hoping to see her somewhere on my way, but not knowing what i would do if i DID see her beyond KEEPING walking. everytime i saw a larger-framed girl my brain became alarmed and i walked a little bit faster until i was almost jogging through the pumpkins, onions and courgettes towards my goal-items.

i picked up my necessities, pleased with the EXCELLENT deals i had found and happy with the money we would be saving by shopping at Wal-Mart instead of Albertsons. i walked at a steady pace to the front of the store, hoping that if i walked slowly enough they would be finished and we could make our purchases and leave.

i walked past the beverage aisle, kinda thinking of grabbing some hot cocoa, but deciding against it and continuing forward, beyond the Oreos and hideous women's clothing.

i walked to the front of the store and across the front of all the aisles, trying to find Muffin when, directly in the middle of the store, i saw him. i saw him and a short female in front of him that i knew immediately as her due to her purple cardigan, masses of dark hairs and short frame. i rushed past, hoping they didn't see me... worrying that Muffin would think i was spying on them. i walked to the pet aisle where i searched for special presents i would be purchasing for my dog in the near future and pondered purchasing more fish.

after perusing a long enough time, i decided to meander to the wool section, which is positioned very near to where they were, SURE that by that time, they would be finished. i walked down the aisle parallel to the one they were stood at four minutes earlier when i saw them again... he was leaned against an end-cap and she was stood within two footsteps of him... i cast my gaze over her so quickly that i didn't register anything about her except how short she was. my stomach became tense again, worried he had seen me and would, again, think i was spying...

i really wasn't. i just felt lost and awkward and had no idea what to do... in a store about twenty times the size of our house and full of no less than two hundred people, i felt completely alone. i felt tense and wished i could sit... wished i could just put my baking goods down and leave... wished i could do ANYTHING but have to avoid that one stupid section of the shop, JUST IN CASE she saw me and did whatever it is that she might or might not do.

i set my next destination to the mobile phone section, so i could look at refills for my phone when, upon reaching the video games, i realized that they were RIGHT THERE, STILL talking. i paused and looked at Fallout New Vegas before becoming incredibly panicky again and tossing the game down and rushing back to the pet section.

i looked at the fish again for another two minutes and then walked towards the front of the store. they were gone, which was good, but now, my boyface, only friend in washington and ride home was missing. i bumbled around with my eggs and butter until i saw him. we paid and left.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...

he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."

nice .

so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

and here i am. i guess i'll go crochet or something.

GOOOOOOOD!

I never in my life thought that my soulmate was going to be a female… 

If you had asked me when I was a kid what my soulmate would be like, I’d have said that HE’D have black hair, blue eyes, a big nose (yes, even as a youth I was obsessed with anyone who had a giant, sexy schnozz) and beautiful hands… he’d write me songs, paint me things and kiss my forehead almost constantly.  

Today, I look across the span of my life and realize that for all the beautiful people that I see or speak to on a regular basis, there is only one who stands out as being my exact parallel; as the one person that makes me feel more accepted, uplifted and loved than anyone else. 

Today, I can happily say that my soulmate is 5’10’’, has typically autumnal hair, massive holes in her ears and a vagina (well, two if you count the one on her left foot)…  she draws me lewd pictures, shows me amazing films and gives me pretty astoundingly beautiful hugs… ones I never, ever want to let go of. 

I found janey about six years ago… just prior to moving to England I decided I wanted to find people to be friendly with so Christopher didn’t find me to be such a burden (funny how THAT worked out, hey?). I perused Livejournal and Myspace to find people I had things in common with on a regular basis, trying to find ANYONE that might live near the place I would be living that I could talk to and perhaps play board games with. 

Upon searching for a common interest which was no doubt something like tattoos a photo pinged up. The photo was of a stunningly beautiful creature. I immediately thought to dismiss it as one of the famous and/or stuck-up models that inhabit Myspace… you know, the ones with five billion friends and no common sense? Yeah. You get what I’m talking about. I glanced at her photos, was intimidated by how freakishly beautiful she was, held my breath and clicked “add.”

She added me and we proceeded to talk about a series of topics ranging from hamsters, watermelon hats, crochet, ceramics, Dune (and our aversion to it despite our significant others' love affairs with it) and stretching our ears. 


I didn’t actually meet her in person until 2007 when, after a series of comments on one-another’s pages, it was decided that she needed to come to derby and I would teach her to crochet. We picked a weekend that would feature the reunion of my old band, Concertina Turner, to be THE weekend of our first meeting... I remember being so, so excited and nervous to finally meet her, after all those years just commenting on one-another’s pages and photos. 

I agreed to meet her at the bus stop…  I arrived and waited. I can’t recall what I was wearing, but I DO remember worrying that I wouldn’t recognize her… that despite all the photos I had seen of her, I would just completely have forgotten her face by the time the 440 from London arrived on Merchant Street that sunny afternoon. 

I remember the first thing I noticed as she stepped off the bus was her hair. It was SO red. She was wearing her brown hoodie with a panda on and was laden down with bags. I pranced over nervously and hugged her… that was the first of what I hope to be a lifetime of hugs with her. 

I remember so many special things about our friendship… I remember how immediately comfortable I felt around her… a feeling that has remained a consistent over the last three years. The times I have with Janey are amazing purely because, as I’ve said, I can be absolutely myself with no question… 

Everyone acts different around different people. Everyone tends to tailor certain aspects of their personalities around the people they are spending time with so as to not offend, hurt or cause discomfort… like, with Pow, I can’t say racist things because it offends him… around Nick I still occasionally find myself feeling slightly judged… but with Janey, all bets are off… I can do or say anything and I never, ever feel judged by her… she never, ever makes me feel like the things I do should be questioned. 

She regularly tells me how much she loves me and reminds me that we are closer than I am with most people. 

The time I spend with Janey is unbelievably special and that fact is highlighted by the confused glances and grimaces of passers-by. When Janey and I spend time together the rest of the world completely disappears and we only live for being as lewd, flatulent and gluttonous as possible. I love her and I love all of the memories her and I share, as they are the ones that are filled with the most laughter, adventure and glee. 

It was over one weekend, looking the photos of her and I together, trying to figure out which ones would make it to THE Janey blog that I decided that a random montage of photos would just not be good enough… that if I were to JUST post some of the photos you are about to see that the random viewer might not understand what is going on, so I decided that I would reminisce via photograph by showing you our favourites and explaining the logic (or lack of) for the ones where I can…

Thank you janey, for being so beautiful and such a huge inspiration in my life. I love you so much. 

these photos are important purely because of our shopping exploits. janey used to live in a place in london called hackney, which has a high concentration of caribbean shops. one in particular we frequented was manned by the gentleman in the photo on the left. he loved us and every single day i was in hackney we pranced to his shop to cause a scene and purchase as many caribbean snacks as humanly possible.. it was only by accident that one day we stumbled across a section of drinks near the front of the shop that were clearly for stimulating the sexual experience. our favourite was a bottle of "pump it up" which riled us up to no end and despite it costing nearly four pounds, we purchased that bottle... the photo on the right, that's the results of the death drink. the worst drink in the history of the world. ever.

it was believed by many that janey and i were lesbians... a fact which delighted us to NO END. a fact that we decided to make worse with a series of photos and posts on one another's walls which were, as you can see, slightly more than suggestible.

 janey and i were forever the too-old-for-our-boots girls, sitting in the corners of dingy pubs or on park benches, passing harsh judgments over everyone within eyeshot. it was decided that these two old women, they are what janey and i will look like in the future (ps. i'm on the right)

the night i left.... SUCH a good friend that she made sure she propped my tiny head up enough to get the best possible shot of me crying.

 

 mmm... yes. we were ever on the quest to look as classy and beautiful as possible, which tended to happen after MUCH cider had been drunk and MANY fags had been smoked.

 and these? they're just favourites...

 

recycled air...

today, i've no energy.

i'm ill.

i caught Muffin's ill and now i kinda want to die.

to battle this illness, i've decided to tidy. i've planned a day around severe steam-cleaning of the carpets, hand-mopping the floors in the kitchen and bathroom and re-washing all the dishes.

all of this will happen in between the cooking of a massive ham stew and baking cornbread and cookies.

clearly, i'm not doing all of this only to attempt to thwart my illness, i am also doing this because i feel lost and a little blarrrggghhh and need to do SOMETHING otherwise i will go crazy. i was up all night with horrible thoughts and up all yesterday after a series of incredibly distressing dreams that have still left me feeling beat-up and sore.

my beat-up and sore is more than emotional though. alongside my ill, i am also still suffering from what i can only guess are bruised ribs after seeing Gogol on Wednesday.

we (Muffin and myself) arrived in Seattle after a day of me trying to get him not to go. he'd been ill and i knew that if he went he'd just complain the whole time and not enjoy the music as much as i did. he insisted on going so we arrived and i immediately snuggled myself directly in front of the stage, against the railing, between a very large girl that looked alarmingly like Origami and a tiny girl who looked alarmingly like one of Muffin's friends. the large girl was pleasant and spoke to me until the bands started... Muffin was situated behind me, protecting me from the masses of fans behind us until, after about an hour of Gogol performing, he was shoved aside and i immediately became crushed.

the top of the railing was situated JUST below my tits, allowing for it to apply ample pressure on my ribs and lungs anytime the hundreds of creatures behind me shifted. the pressure became more and more until, after about ninety minutes of them playing, i felt i was going to vomit and then i collapsed. i didn't even realize i had collapsed... i fell forward on the railing and the large girl next to me asked me if i was okay. my brain immediately clicked in (without the rest of my body) and i realized i do not have health insurance, money or means for being seen-to at a hospital, so i shouted i was fine and lifted my head and waved my hands for water from the mullet-ed bouncer stood in front of me. it was only after the drink of water that i realized i couldn't see. i had no idea how long i'd been out and i had no idea what was going on, but there was a lot of noise and i was still being crushed. i turned my body to attempt to reduce the pain in my chest and to find Muffin (which, btw, the BEST way to feel guilty, is to have your boyface go to a gig with you whilst he's ill, only to find that he looks bored and completely miserable every single time you look at him). i grabbed him and said i had passed out and needed to go to the toilet. i could only make out vague shapes and the stress of the noise and movement was making me more wobbly by the minute. he guided me to the toilet where i washed my face and stood until i could see more than shadows then we left.

worst. gig. ever.

so i'm still sore and... meh. it was scary. i've never passed-out before and i never thought i'd be one of THOSE GIRLS that passes out at a gig, but now, apparently, i am.

physical things aside, Muffin and i have been talking, in a very pixellated and frustrated fashion, but still talking.

there are still a lot of topics i refuse to approach him with, because i know that it just won't do any good and, i guess, given my history with Christopher, i feel like i HAVE to deal with all of this alone because they're MY PROBLEMS and it's not Muffin's job to fix me. when i ask for help or love or support, his shit's always bigger, so i never really feel like the stuff i feel is very important. and then when i get a little emo about it all, i just end up feeling stupid, as per usual, for having felt something questionable or wanting a little more.

i can see, right now, how i am falling into the same patterns that i fell into when i moved in England. the depression and helplessness. i don't know anybody, i don't have a job, i don't have any money and a lot of my favourites, the people i loved the hardest, they're gone.

i seem to have completely lost the will to fight. like a dog who's been given that final shot to be put to sleep, but still has the little bits of energy to kick or flail its limbs. i remember this feeling in England. i remember the helplessness and i want to stop it now, because it almost killed me then and right now, it seems to be accelerating and feeling worse by the day. it's stressing Muffin out and... i don't know.

he feels like he's losing me. he held me so tight last night and said he didn't know what to do. i don't even feel like it's appropriate for me to ask for anything specific anymore... i just feel stupid when he gets like that. like i've done something wrong. i feel like i shouldn't have to ASK him to do nice things... i feel like he should want to do nice things for me if he feels like he's losing me, that i'm not going to tell him what to do.

eh. this isn't going anywhere. i'm gonna go for a fag.

have a better day than me. please.

blah... tuesday

just a list:

cupcakes
ugly trousers
my tattoos
cat boobies
finding and reading other people's old journals
Muffin cuddles
the Murder City Devils
my tits
my bed
sparkly jumpers
tidying
long, hot baths
cooking
gammon
roast carrots
banana bread
LaDonna
Carmen
having a shaved head
my nightguard
soul music
long car rides
the fact that i'm going to see gogol bordello tomorrow
rugs
painting my toenails
having a poo
thinking up new projects
valium
smoking fags
photos 
cool whip
The Magnetic Fields
memories
writing letters 
watching people eat my food
Taco Bell
egg nog milk shakes from Jack in the Box




that's all i got. gonna go watch some telly and nap.

i worry...

things in the Muffin/Honeybun household have been tense over the last five days. i've only recently arrived home and Muffin has been dealing with a lot of personal shit. things have been a little too much to handle,for him, mostly, but also a tiny bit for me, because i don't know what to do or how to help. when i try, he gets defensive. when i don't try, he gets defensive... i just don't have any idea what to do... i feel quite stuck, but not so much that i can't find tiny little fibres to grasp onto to hold myself above water. 

i worry that over the last several weeks, whilst i was away in Cheyenne, i processed a lot of things alone and have not had any form of a safeplace or soundboard to help me to make any healthy or conscious decisions, leaving me wondering if the decisions i've made are okay and will benefit ANYONE, let alone me.

like, i worry i may have missed-out on important things because i've been processing solo... things like speaking to Ryu's grandmother made me really see things. it hit me in the middle of the face on a sunny tuesday afternoon whilst watching Ryu zoom back and forth on his bike. we talked about her deceased husband and how she finds it hard most days now because he was the one person that, no matter what happened, no matter what their moods, he would listen to her and help her process even the most minute of details.

this hit me hard because i have all these stupid things swirling around in my head... Pow things, Origami things, England things, kid things, future things, things that involve me being an actual, real, live adult.

this hit me hard because in all the time i had away in Cheyenne, and even now, five days later, i have yet to tell Muffin everything that's on my mind. i don't feel like i CAN. he just has so much going on at the moment and i don't want to have to add to it with all my crap.

when i DO try to broach a subject, he tends to become defensive without hearing everything and the end result usually just looks like me, curled into a heap on the sofa or bed, feeling slightly weepy, but not wanting to cry, JUST IN CASE he might see me cry and the process with have to start again. i've felt like i need to cry for the last three days. walking around wal-mart, gigs and taco bell with tiny, itty-bitty wells of water in the corners of my eyeballs, ready to erupt given any random assortment of variables that could hit me.

i mean, brief outlines of my junk look like this:

Pow: we're not friends anymore. we have had a huge fight that has resulted in him saying things to me and acting in ways towards me that i have never, ever seen. losing one's best friend is quite possibly the most horrific agony in the world. i've been trying to keep positive, hoping he'll come out of it, but i really, honestly don't think that this is going to happen.
driving: yeah, i've been studying for my driving test. whilst this doesn't seem huge to anyone else, this is gigantic to me and makes me want to die. it's just ANOTHER adult step that i am too tired to have to deal with right now. i WILL do it and i am sure i'll do fine, but it's just another stress i don't need.
Origami: that's a fun one. the entire time i was in Cheyenne, when i explained the situation re: the stupid triangle that is made up by her, Muffin and myself, they just scrunched their noses and asked me why i was putting up with it... i would immediately become riled and wonder WHY i was dealing with all her crap. why all her stuff was still in the house i live in, why she can come over as and when she wants, why she won't sign the paperwork, why she is fucking creepy and weird and...the whole thing is incredibly unnerving and i've no idea how to deal with it because when i DO bring it up, Muffin typically defends her or goes quiet and i'm left wondering if it's ever going to happen. it's one of the topics i've decided to just STOP bringing up because it just bums me out. bums me out and makes me resentful, which i don't need.
England: i'm not coming back for a while. that's the first thing i need to say. it's a hard decision that i've not been able to properly process but seems to make Muffin happy because it means he doesn't have to do much more than move house rather than country. for me, it means i have to completely shred my dreams of living on a cobble stone road again for a very long time which makes me hurt more than anything else. ever.
work: blah. i've applied and applied. even wal-mart has nothing for me. i feel inadequate and really just not good enough for any job.
money: i feel pathetic and useless because i've no money. i hate when Muffin spends money on me because it just makes me feel so, so worthless. i just want to have a job and be able to contribute and buy a bloody chocolate bar when i want to, but i can't because i've nothing. i just hate it. all of this.
dog: Muffin told me i could have a dog... so i have been looking for one. i've been promised three, all of which have fallen through. this is because of the stupid money situation. i've no money. there's SO MANY dogs i want and could have, but the money thing just completely stops me from getting anything, so i'm destined, it seems to be jobless, petless and alone for the eight hours or more a day that Muffin is away at work.

eh. i'm just complaining.

I Don't...

every now and again the past comes back to get me. OUR past. the past that he and i struggle so violently to escape. the past that forced us apart so abruptly eight, nine years ago.

it started with me. my upbringing and unfit living situation forced me into a home for troubled youths when i was sixteen. Muffin and i were VERY suddenly thrust apart by my sisters and their hope that putting me into a facility would offer me a form of structure and normalcy that i did not get with my mum.

i lived in that home for fourteen months. i lived there as a "homeless teen," as a result of many, MANY visits to court and with a DFS (Department of Family Services) worker and was put on a regimented programme of therapy and in-house schooling. i was allowed no contact with the outside world for those fourteen months, barring family. i could not speak to or see Muffin or any of my friends. many people didn't know where i had gone. i was there one day and the next, i wasn't. my sisters offered no explanation to anybody and people like Muffin were left distraught and confused as to what happened to me and when or if they would see me again.

i emerged from the home in 2002 a new person, prepared to conquer the world and finally achieve what i felt i deserved. soon after my discharge i learned Muffin had married and moved away. my initial heartbreak shifted to anger and then quickly to understanding, as it would have been silly for me to expect that he would have waited for me the fourteen months i was gone (although, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that it's not uncommon for a dashing, love-struck hero to wait even longer periods, only to reunite with their loves in some magical, soft-focus way to a soundtrack of Bon Jovi or Enya). however, in this case, Muffin was eighteen and had to do whatever it is that boys do at that age, and for him, i guess that was get bored of waiting, go on a sex-spree and then marry the first girl that he believed could "make an honest man" of him.

because he had seemingly moved on, i decided to as well, setting my sights on England. i began speaking to Christopher and we progressed to marriage and blah, blah, blah... you know the story.

through the years, Muffin would lure me in with emails... occasionally i would take the bait, falling for him again and promising him anything he wanted, and typically, after several months, the interaction would end incredibly abruptly.

the first interaction, lasting only a few months in 2003 ended because of his then-wife (lovingly referred to as Satan). she had a huge beef with me because he refused to let me go for the longest time, carrying my photo around and emailing me, which forced her to offer him an ultimatum.

the second was in 2004 and lasted only a month. he sent me photos of his daughter and we mused about our past before, for a reason unknown to me, he cut me off again.

the third and last was in 2006/2007. a long stint in our talking career that had me convinced that that would be the beginning of our forever. he had divorced Satan and i was going to move back to America and be with him for omgforever. this all completely dissolved in a matter of days when, whilst i was away for a trip to the seaside, he married Origami. he married her and i hated him.

we didn't speak again until October 6th 2009 when he emailed me randomly and i replied.

thousands of questions have gone unanswered over the years... questions i could turn the volume down on for a very long time, but questions that have been forced to the front of my mind since he and i have decided to give all of this a proper go. questions like:

why not me? why was i never good enough to wait for?

if i was always his "the one," why did he not choose me?

i have torn myself apart with these and questions LIKE these over the last four weeks... weeks that have offered me FAR too much time alone to think and beat myself up.

i don't know what to do or how to deal with a lot of the rejected, self-doubting feelings that these kinds of questions have given me, but my heart and head are tired now. i just want to feel secure in all of this and stop thinking. i want it all to be okay and for him to just reassure me, which is something that does NOT come easy.

understandably, when i bring things like this up, he becomes embarrassed, upset and defensive, which instantly brings the tone of the conversation down. he snaps at me and i begin feeling stupid, again, for having thought or hurt over something that really has messed with me a great deal for the bulk of my adult life.

what do i do with this? how do i deal with it? does it just go away eventually?

who knows. i guess we just have to see what thursday brings us.

go lightly into this tuesday...

things are moving slow for me, firstly because of the substantial amounts of valium i took last night to aid my sleeping, and secondly, because of the amount i seem to need to cough every two moments.

i have some other blogs to write, so i'll just go ahead and do this list now...

have it!

REALLY greasy Cheetos... yeah, the ones from the VERY bottom of the bag that are COVERED in that sexy, cheesy grease. OMNOM!
ASHLEY AND GUS WEDDING... a day i had never anticipated i'd be such a big part of. when ashely told me she was getting married i expected to get an invitation and to be seated somewhere near the back of the room, given our history and and how little i've seen her in the last six years. i was more than happy for this though, because being ANY part of the day that joined this couple that should have been married YEARS ago would have been good enough for me. instead, i was asked to be the Maid of Honour and as a result i spent the day prancing, holding extra flowers and almost dying whilst prancing up and down the stairs to perform tasks. it was a beautiful day and the most wonderfully perfect wedding i've ever been to and i will always hold the memories, hugs and smiles that were shared from that day special.
having a scratchy voice the day after a night of smoking and shouting... yeah, when i drink, there are two things i like to do most, sing REALLY obnoxiously to ANY song that's on, and smoke. both of which i did in abundance on Sunday at Ashley's wedding. upon rousing yesterday morning, my voice has sounded JUST like demi moore's and i am VERY pleased about that fact.
Ryu... the son of the boyfriend and all-around cutie-pie.
cornbread
chili
Gustin White... i won't lie, there've been some rough times, times when i was concerned i wouldn't trust him again, but when i see the way he looks at my best friend, i can't help but get all melty and wish that i had a boy as beautifully in love with me as he is with her.
ASHLEY WHITE... no words. there are no words. i wept through her entire wedding because this magical thing was finally happening for her and i felt so, so happy for her. i've never felt so happy for another person before and... i just love her. a lot. she's beautiful, amazing and makes me remember to notice the sparkly things when i forget. <3
Bud Light... yeah, barftown, i know. but my love affair with it has reached new highs and i NEVER will forsake it. ever.
old photos of my grandparents
dancing
REALLY deformed Ranchus
clear communication
Chicken Cordon Bleu
pizza rolls
weather that warrants wearing layers
my wedding speech... read from the back of the funny pages, it delighted me to no end. i was roused from a dead sleep with the inspiration to write it and i feel it turned out PERFECTLY.
having fake nails
the relationship i'm building with my sisters
when people ask if they can see my vagina... the tattoo, not my personal lady garden.
secure bras
bonding with Evan over zombies
friendly dogs
when a photo turns out like you'd hope it would
Ardent Photography
Burt
Calla Lillies
Taco Bell
Coca-Cola cake
feeling stable and in control of my emotions
finishing a project
plucking hairs
talking about my tattoos when i'm in the mood
catching the bouquet

it all started with a car

two weeks ago Muffin rang me and asked me if i would be willing to make a toy.

i hadn't been challenged in a while, so i decided to bite.

the bite came in the shape of a car. he asked me if i would make a blue car with red racing stripes for his son. i obliged, immediately invisioning how i was going to create the most perfect, woolen piece of machinery ever for his little boy. a stuffed-car that would blow his mind and make him remember forever the day that his dad had a toy made specially for him because he loved him and wanted to make a positive change towards his father-type role.

after many days of work and a lot of procrastination, i finished it last night. the general aim was to finish it whilst Muffin was here so's he could give it to Ryu himself, but things came up and i couldn't, so i told him i'd hand-deliver it before i came home.

today was the day. i rolled-over in bed this morning and stared at the car and imagined the tiny version of Muffin holding it and loving it. i imagined how the scene would play out when i delievered it to him. i wondered if i should just drop it off, ring the doorbell and run, so i wouldn't have to see him and be faced with seeing Muffin's son all by myself. i wondered how he would react to me and how his grandmother (his full-time carer, more-or-less) would react to me. i worked myself up into a little frenzy before finally rising from bed for a lunchtime playdate with Emma and her little man.

Emma and i met years ago. we met in Spanish back in like, seventh grade. we never talked THAT much and then, suddenly, after i left for england, we started emailing and talking LOADS. i hadn't ever met her son and was excited to meet the little ball of almost-three-year-old energy as i sat and awaited their arrival at the local Shari's.

they arrived and he was immediately excited, shouting my name and showing me things. instantly, i decided i would go and give the car to Ryu in person. that no child could be so intimidating that i couldn't simply go, toss a stuffed toy at him, and leave in a massive emotional frenzy.

the playdate ensued with a great deal of hilarity and fun and afterwards i made my way home to photograph the car and begin the walk to Ryu's house.

i walked and wondered if i was making the right decision. i have been very emotionally fraught the last several days and i worried that seeing this little carbon-copy of Muffin would send me over the edge.

my ipod soothed me with Andrew Jackson Jihad and Billy Ocean until i made it to the park. i tossed through my memory the photos that Muffin had taken at that very same park with Ryu a mere ten days earlier. my mind was caught up as i passed one of the many jungle-gyms housed in the park where i saw a woman i was CERTAIN was Ryu's grandmother. i didn't want to say anything until i was positive though, so i walked to their house, knocked on the door to find no response and walked back to the park.

it seemed she knew who i was before i said anything, as she walked up to me and said hello. i approached them and was suddenly stopped in my tracks when i realized i was within reaching-distance of Muffin's child. one of the three little people he had made without first discussing it with me. i was there, in broad daylight, with no way to cope with the new set of emotions my mind was creating. i was there, with nothing but a car in my handbag and a pink zebra-print cardigan on. i approached them with absolutely no idea what i would say or do. i went blindly into that foreign territory with what felt like a crumbly spine and an ocean's worth of water on the palms of my hands.

i introduced myself and pulled the car out of my bag and Ryu immediately hopped off the jungle bars and snatched it from me, telling me it was amazing and dancing around on the rocky playarea with his new car-friend. he then came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over to play...

again, i stopped. i had to catch my breath and realize that this was okay and that i could do this. i could spend time with this little boy. he's not a threat, he's not evil, he's just an innocent kid who wanted to play. i looked at his grandmother and she said i was more than welcome to come over. i tried to imagine all the things that could go wrong if i went over and couldn't come up with one so i took a deep breath and said, 'okay.'

we walked and he told me about his day at school and asked me what my name was. i told him it was Danie and he said it was pretty before going off on another tangent. as we walked i spoke to his grandmother about his education. we talked about what school he goes to and she began to tell me many details about his educational upbringing that i hadn't expected her to be candid about.

we arrived at the house and INSTANTLY he had to show me everything, everywhere. he introduced me to his cat, Juice Box (ps. best name EVER for a cat, or what?), showed me his halloween costume (he's going to be a zombie, which immediately prompted me to have a little "zombiegasm" right there in front of that child), pointed out his piggy bank and then took me to the lounge where he pulled out ALL the bones designated for Halloween decorating from their plastic Tupperware home.

he continued showing me things and posing for photos as i talked with his grandmother about England and his upbringing and their cat.

THEN it was five'o'clock and Ryu wanted me to help him water the garden. not his grandmother. me. he took my hand and dragged me outside to show me his bicycle and the hose. he watered and wouldn't let his grandmother help with anything. anytime he needed help, he asked me for it.

the rest of the hour-and-a-half was a flurry of "look at this!" and "hey, come help me with this!" before he settled on asking me if i was his dad's girlfriend and telling me he loved me.

now. i really had no idea what to do with this information. this child comes into my life and suddenly he loves me? i know children are quite rash with their decision-making and i also know that he most likely didn't love me for realsies, but this, my boyfriend's son, telling me he loved me. it made my heart go KABOOM and my head say to me that this was going to be okay. all of this, the kids, the divorce, the visit to america, it is all going to be okay.

as i was preparing to leave he stole my camera from me and took photos of Juice Box, Godzilla, his grandmother and me before saying he wanted to come visit and asking me when he would see me again. i promised i'd stop by again on monday after printing out some of the photos for him.

i walked away after shaking his hand and felt okay. i felt a massive weight off my shoulders about the whole thing.

i texted Muffin to notify him that i had spent the last hour-and-a-half with his son, deliberately being cryptic so as to manipulate him into a phone call, a trap he fell in STRAIGHT away. i told him about the playdate and about the conversations i had with Ryu's grandmother before he had to go for workies-related things.

i arrived home and texted him to say that i love him and that i love his son.

he wept.

the end.

p.s. please see photos from playdate with Ryu.

tues

i've not written anything in my book for weeks. looking at it just offers painful reminders of things i've lost currently. i'll write this list from my head. try to remember the things that make me happy or have made me happy for the last week. there may be blurbs or there may not be. we'll see.

eileen's cookies
seeing old friends
prancing in ft collins
grape vines
cold water
smoking fags
Carmen
egg nog
when i churn out a particularly good blog
emails from people
getting things done
really long, REALLY hot baths
Meatloaf
french dip sandwiches
Red Lobster
flossing
applying for jobs
being warm
sunlight
Family Guy
American Dad
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
supportive friends
coming to terms with things

meh, i need to go get on with my day, perhaps participate in the sunlight outside. go buy some fags, something.

i heart all you people that read this and offer me support... that's what i heart mostly at the moment. thank you all.

<3

All Weak...

i tend to find the judgements i cast upon myself to be incredibly harsh ones and not at all healthy. i sit here, day after day, assessing the things that i think and the expectations i hold, always marking the final drafts of those exams with a massive, red FAIL!

daily i see myself judging all of these unfulfilled expectations i have with a heavy and austere hand that offers little or no mercy to the tiny danie inside of me that just needs holding sometimes.

i wonder more and more often lately what i am doing and why i am doing it. who exactly i am existing for.

when i'm alone or in certain company i find myself feeling strong and sure of the tasks ahead of me, capable of mapping out the paths i must travel to achieve the things that will lead me to some sort of salvation. the problem is that when it actually comes down to the action part of the plan, my confidence immediately collapses and i end up feeling stupid and petty for having wanted or having felt something. someone will say something or pull a face that will completely crush all of my logic and desire, leaving me with a big, empty nothing in my arms that i have to try to explain. i HATE having to explain myself, especially when i am approaching something with such confidence, only to have it belittled and destroyed. it's this lack of ability that worries me about what my future will look like.

currently, i don't know what my future holds. i am constantly reviewing the things i have in my life. i have been for the last three weeks. mostly, today, though, i am questioning England and all the things i thought i had there and all the things i thought i was leaving behind. i speak to people i thought i was closer to and wonder if i just WANTED there to be something important and special there so i didn't feel so alone. i wonder if a lot of the special moments and friendships i spoke so highly of in the months preceding my departure were just fabrications, musings created by my own mind to help me sleep easier at night and to ultimately try to sabotage my progression subconsciously ("progression" being me moving back to America, Muffin and general life advancement).

all the relationships i THOUGHT i had and held in such high regard seem to have completely fallen apart since my departure and others that i hadn't embraced as much are developing and making me wish i'd expanded or tried harder before my time in the land of accents ran out.

at the end of the day, that's what it always comes down to for me, trying harder. i constantly feel like i need to do all the work and put all the effort in for fear that if i don't, i will lose this THING, this stupid THING (i don't even know what it is, it's just a THING) that, i guess, allows me to prove to myself that i am worth it, that i exist. like i NEED certain friends or objects in my life to prove i am valid and have achieved something.

it's not good and it's not healthy, what i'm doing, this emotional terrorism i am committing, putting myself through.

a huge thought i've been having is whether i should bother going back to England at all now. speaking (or, in some cases, NOT speaking) to people i thought i was so close to before i left has resulted in me feeling empty and wondering either what all the fuss was about or where it all went. a great deal of harsh words have been passed between myself and people i thought i was close to, people i loved. words that have made me question myself more than i can remember ever questioning myself. words that have left me wondering if all the effort i have put in, all the time, love and work, has actually been a waste.

i seem to have completely lost Pow... i'd rather not go into details, but just know it seems to be gone for many reasons. it was gone three weeks ago when i spoke to him on Skype and it's just dilapidated from there. all i've been left with from the ruin of that is a lot of empty and hurt. i felt the relationship he and i had was much bigger than what it seems to have turned out to be and now, i WANT to throw all my toys out of the pram and cause a scene, but really, i know i need to deal with this, whatever it is, with as much caution as i can, so as to salvage any small bits of the beautiful we had together so i can piece them into a semblance of a memory in years to come.

so, after losing Pow, what else do i have there? Janey? she's on her way here... Nick? i've not heard from him in ages. since leaving England i've heard from a small handful of people, many of which i've not expected at all, and the rest of them seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. i guess all i have left, apart from this handful of people, are passing friendships that are meaningful, but can be visited in two-week increments.

all the dreams i have at night have lately been pictures of doom and gloom for England. friends and people that i love abandoning me, hurting me or forgetting about me. i wake most mornings to a furrowed brow and tense muscles, sometimes unable to decipher the real from the dream in the first several minutes of being conscious, leaving me feeling guilty and wondering what i've done to deserve this.

i've abandoned attempting to contact a lot of the people i loved most before i left England because i don't understand what's gone wrong and it just results in me feeling pathetic and worthless... wondering why people can so easily just forget about me and ignore me.

i guess i just feel like right now, tonight, i need validation, like i need someone to tell me that i am going to be okay, but very few people are willing to offer me that kindness. this is where my old therapist would tell me that i need to seek those things within myself, but how am i meant to achieve that when i spend so much time questioning things and beating myself up?

i just feel so weak. so, so weak.