"Priorities. Some people need to get some."

I'd love to talk about priorities and this direct quote taken from the Facebook of Molly's mother. It's no secret that I occasionally go and have a gander at her page. It's worked out relatively well for us, as I have discovered many slanderous posts and hateful comments that have been dispensed as needed to legal officials for reference to the type of person we are trying desperately to co-parent with.

I tend to go to her page in an attempt to find any extra photos of Molly that I can, as Muffin and I both agree that the five or so photos he gets a year from BJ are inadequate and we will seek wherever we can for more. I've found remnants of years filled with memories from BJ's Facebook that I am not ashamed to have found, as the happiness that I get to see on Muffin's face when he sees photos of his daughter at age five when he hardly got any photos makes all that disappear. Watching him be a grownup with a gorgeous little child with years of beautiful memories is really special and validates all the time that we've spent struggling through court.

Becoming a grownup has its perks and a few drawbacks. Perks being that I can eat ice cream any time I want, I don't have a set bedtime, and if I don't like someone, I am not forced to talk to them or spend time with them. It's a really nice thing to be an adult and to be able to make choices for myself. The drawback being that sometimes, those choices have consequences. Consequences that aren't always the funnest to deal with. Consequences that I, as a responsible adult, must deal with.

Ice cream in excess has made me fat, I'm tired literally constantly because I stay up so late, and I miss out on meaningful, special memories that could be had were I not always so petulant. Consequences come from a lot of stuff... Lying. Being hateful. Bullying. Being selfish and not sharing. All actions that as an adult I've had to learn to stave off because it's not helpful, kind, or conducive to being a normal, functioning adult. The best way to act like a regular adult is to develop and maintain a very clear line of priorities.

Priorities include being the type of person who makes decisions not based on their own personal feelings or needs, but what would be best for the other people in their lives. All the people in their lives. Big people. Little people. Children.

Yes. I went to Las Vegas. It was my thirtieth birthday and I saved and saved, and decided that after twenty-two years of pining, I would finally go there. I have spent years not going on this one dream vacation because my priorities called me towards bills or work or other people. This year though? I decided to be my own priority for once. To give myself the gift of a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I've wanted to go on for two decades. I budgeted and planned meticulously so that I could begin my thirties just the way I wanted.

You wanna know about another trip I am taking soon? I'm going to El Paso. To visit my step-daughter because she asked me with tear-filled eyes why we never go visit her at her home. She confided in me with her broken heart open, begging for some form of connection in this whole situation. Some way for her to feel more comfortable and like she is important. And she is. Through this entire thing, for me, she has been the single most important person. The whole reason why everyone has been fighting. This hasn't been about me or my own feelings, this has been about her and her feelings. I remember being a child who's mother hid things and pretended her father didn't exist. I remember wondering endlessly what I had done that was so wrong to make my own father not want to be a part of my life, when, as an adult, I've realized my mother was the puppetmaster behind everything. The one constant that painted my father as this evil, ugly man who wanted nothing to do with me. I remember that, and resent daily how much was stolen from me by someone who was so greedy.

Would I have preferred to save my money and pay off some extra debt or buy myself some fabulous Christmas presents? Sure. But when a little girl who's hurting from the pain of her parent's incessant fighting over her asks for something to make that pain a little less, I'm going to make it happen. Whatever the cost. I'm going to put on my big girl pants and travel for almost half a day with my husband to the desert to visit a little lady who needs it more than all the video games, glitter, or clothes that I might think I need.

You know something else that I did? I suggested to Muffin that we all go out to a meal together with Molly's mother and step-dad despite not really wanting to spend a couple of hours with someone who so actively hates us. Priorities called me to though, because those big blue eyes want to see some normalcy and my feelings don't matter nearly as much as hers.

Do you want to know who's feelings apparently DO supersede Molly's? Her mom's. After excitedly accepting our suggestion for a big family meal out a couple of months ago she has now decided that spending time with ME (me who has done nothing but try to bridge gaps, make her and her daughter comfortable, craft really adorable and thoughtful gifts for her children, and tell the truth on court documents) is far too much for HER to handle despite it being something that her daughter is seeking with wild intent. Her daughter wants to see some form of friendliness and kindness between us. She cried to me, asking why we didn't get along and why we didn't spend time together. She cried as I talked to her about all the things I thought were wonderful about her mother as she fell asleep. I want her to know that this has nothing to do with my feelings for her mother, and that she should feel comfortable loving whomever she wants with no reservation. I don't want her to feel shameful for wanting to talk about her mom's goofiness or great cooking, I want her to relish in it, even if she's not encouraged to love this household when she is not here.

But all of that is neither here nor there, as her mother can't handle the idea of spending time with me. In my opinion, her priorities seem to be a little skewed, which begs the question for me, do her random public jibes on Facebook about people needing to get priorities reference herself? Because it seems that they couldn't possibly reference me.

November 2014...

Right now I am experiencing a mass amount of distress surrounding the fact that I am about to enter my final week in my twenties. This is it. This will be my last seven days living in a decade that granted me countless beautiful opportunities to learn, live, and love as irrationally or intently as I wanted. It has been bountiful and every bit as perfect as I could have hoped it would be.

Those two weeks post-Halloween have always been the most thrilling, as they begin the countdown to my birthday and the countdown to the promise of a new, exciting year of life. I adore November for all the crackling leaves, birthdays, Thanksgiving, fireplaces, and OMGALMOSTCHRISTMAS. It's always my favourite and never fails to deliver every ounce of excitement that I build up to it every single year.

So here's my November list. A list I am particularly elated about...


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• THE BOOK OF LIFE. Beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. The soundtrack. The imagery. The everything. I'm in love with it. 
• Sugaring. It's like a thousand times better than waxing and I can't stop thinking about how much I love it. I plan to investigate ways to make my own sugar paste so I can test things out at home. 
• Cheesecake. At least two times a week I eat cheesecake. I'm a fat lard.
• Lush Christmas 2014. The products we have are incredible and you all need to get your paws on some of them. Our house is absolutely filled with spicy smells and glitter. It's a wonderful time of year that is made magnificently better by my place of work. 
• OK GO. Their new album is incredible. 

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Planning my birthday trip. We leave in eight days and I pretty much remind everyone constantly throughout the day. I have spent almost every free moment of the last month attempting to find new, magical, special things for us to do during our trip. I can't WAIT to get away and spend some time with the hubby and my in-laws. It's going to be really special and the perfect way to ring in my third decade on this earth. 
• Planning our winter trip. Molly asked us several times why we never went to see HER, so we immediately jumped on that as an opportunity to go on an adventure, see where the little lady lives, and attempt to bridge a gap with her mother, which was humbly accepted and then very hatefully rejected only recently. I'll admit that I was very excited for Molly to be able to see her two families come together for the sake of her. She has so much confusion and unsureness surrounding her two homes that this would have been something tremendously important for her. Something that could have worked as a turning point for her finally feeling safe and like it is okay to love both families without feeling like she is hurting someone else. It's a hard, fine line that she is walking that is being shaken. All we can do is make sure it's not us who are shaking it. We want her to feel safe and comfortable, and if her needs don't come ahead of everyone else's, there's not a lot we can do about that. All we CAN do is love that little face as much as possible and make sure she knows that she is safe and free to love anyone she wants when she's with us. Anyways... We're going to El Paso, so if anyone has any suggestions of fun things to do whilst we're there, please, help. We've got a few ideas, but with the freed up time, we wouldn't be upset about some more ideas.
• Setting up an amazing Christmas. We've never had a little one in our house for actual Christmas day like, ever, so we're trying to plan fun, rewarding Christmas experiences that I am desperately excited about. I've been planning several things since February... We want to uphold some fun traditions whilst holding up really important morals about giving and being thankful for what we have. I've been researching and planning doing some special things for our community since mid-summer that I'm really excited about. We're going to donate some time and love back to our community in a lot of ways. We'll also be generally doing a lot of great family things for the holidays, which will be super-fun. 
• Making my crafting/makeup room the most fabulous room in the world. And woooh doggie it's going to be great. There is a heap of glitter, fairy lights, tons of bookshelves, and lots of DIY. I'll unveil it soon and everyone will be jealous. I promise. 
• Painting. I'm currently obsessed with working on a painting of mine that I started months ago as a project for school. I've since morphed it into a gorgeous piece of art that I can't WAIT to hang on our walls. I'm in the middle of painstakingly creating a galaxy on canvas, which is difficult, but totally rewarding. 

Things I want to tell December Danie:

• "The year is finally almost over. This is your first official month as a thirty year-old, and the month of glitter, and gifts, and giving. Buckle up!"
• "Keep being kind. You know better than anyone that being hateful isn't helping anything. You're doing what's best by not stooping to ugly levels, just keep being kind. Even if it's difficult."

last but not least... here's a quote. Because all you can do is choose to forgive. Be kind and forgive. It doesn't help anybody to be a dickhead.

Just Under Three More Weeks...

I have just under three more weeks and then I'll be thirty.

Thirty.

I've been spending the last several weeks reflecting on the Danie from ten years ago. The Danie who was about to turn twenty was a goddamned mess. I found her blog and am ashamed that it was me who wrote it. I must say that it's a relief that I've always been so raw with my feelings when writing, but the content itself is so unnecessary and unimportant given the changes that I have undergone in the last ten years.

Turning twenty seems like it was tremendously devastating for me. I was going through what I had assumed would be the largest ordeals of my life, when in comparison, they were small fries. I was preparing to move to England and in turn, uproot my entire life for the sake of a love that I had little expectation would end only slightly less quickly than it had begun. I was drastically in love and content to shout it from the rooftops. I was the centre of my universe with little or no regard to anything or anyone that tried to distract from that. I alienated every single person from my life who didn't hold me on a pedestal, unwilling to acknowledge or feel any compassion for anybody but my own self. And for what? I lost several months of friendship with one of the most important and influential people in my life. I said embarrassingly hateful things to people who wanted nothing but to see me make decisions that were going to make my future as beautiful as I wanted it to be. People who were frustrated and exhausted with my petulant attitude and need for constant attention.

Actual constant attention. I literally posted like six entries a day, every single day. I was begging for people to idolize my desperation. There was no notice of other people, their needs, or really anything except how they could help me.

I was living in an ugly world. Nineteen for me was just an awful time and I wish I could go back and slap myself around a little bit and talk some sense to myself.  So many ties were severed in those several months before turning twenty and I hate that I let myself get that bad.

And since, I have gone to England, gotten married, lost my mother, gotten divorced, moved back to America, lost a couple of best friends, gotten married again, lost my grandmother, begun school, and endured the agonizing job that is step-parenting. And that's a nutshell, just a little snippet of the large, sweeping events that have headlined my life in the past ten years. It's been a highly eventful decade that has seen beauty and horrible. Seen great strides that have been painful, but have turned me into a person that I am proud of who has grown and learned hugely.

Now, today, I am just over three weeks to thirty and over three-quarters into my education, happily making my marriage into something I can be infinitely prouder of every day, and building friendships with people who are special and just as willing to let me uplift their lives as they do mine. It's a much more fulfilling and satisfying leap into a new decade.  I have achieved many things and come through a gigantic amount of experiences and I couldn't be happier with where my life is right now.

So, as I go into my next ten years. My thirties. I'm not as scared as I was prior to my twenties. I am eagerly awaiting what my next adventure will look like. How many more beautiful people I will meet, and what new experiences I will have. I can't wait to find out what I will learn and how I will grow. It's not as scary of a time for me and I welcome it with open arms.

Tuesday, October 7th

Over a month.

It's been over a month since I've blogged. But don't think that that's because I hate any of you or because I died. It's because I've been busy as holy god in school and then I was organizing the house and then I was sick as a fucking dog. I've only just become able-bodied enough to drag myself off of my sofa, so here I am, after a long day at school and grocery shopping, posting a blog about the things that have been good in the past month.

So here goes!

Hubby got me pumpkin pie... I've been SO sick. I actually thought I was dying for a day. I couldn't eat, had a horrible fever, and couldn't consume anything without wanting to vomit. But the instant I COULD eat again? That gorgeous husband of mine remembered that I'd been complaining about wanting pumpkin pie for weeks. Being the smarty-farty that he is, he went to the supermarket under the guise of getting me anti-nausea pills and a thermometer, also got me an entire pumpkin pie and THEN helped me hand-whip some cream to put on the pie. He's an angel and loves me so much. Almost as much as I love him.
American Horror Story... During my bout of illness I spent a lot of time lying on the sofa and in that time I decided to catch up on my favourite season of American Horror Story in preparation for the upcoming one. So I watched all of Asylum in the last four days and don't feel even an ounce of guilt. Roll on tomorrow for the new season to start!
makeup pallets... I'm obsessed with makeup right now and I've got a fairly substantial collection that I've accrued over the years. I'm a proud girl.
wiener dog races
tuna salad
The Space Needle... So. Last year was Hubby's thirtieth birthday and we couldn't afford to do a single thing for it, so I vowed to make sure that this year was special for him. I saved my ass off and planned like a maniac to ensure that he felt like the most important person in the world. I booked us a Groupon of sorts to eat at the top of the Space Needle, above all the buildings in Seattle. We dined over candlelight and watched the sun go down over the water as we listened to the bustle of all the other diners who were almost certainly not having as glorious as time as us. It was a really special night for him and I am happy that I spent so much time planning and saving for.
organizing our home... trying bit-by-bit to get everything sorted and where I want it to be. Things are coming together slowly, but it's been a challenge with school and work and sickies. It's getting there.
my job... I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love feeling like I contribute substantially to the betterment of our household (which is a HUGE thing for me! My amazing husband has been supporting the two of us almost on his own. But now that I am working TWO jobs, it's been really great for me to feel like things are a lot more equal and fair for him. Plus, I get my own money to spend on things that I love without having to ask for permission, which is really nice)
doing makeup... I'm really good at it and it's super-satisfying, so I've taken a pretty massive amount of time to learn as much as I can about it.
Adam Carrolla... He's hilarious. Go check out his podcast.
VetTix.com
OMGBIRTHDAY... It's in a month guys and I've been carefully crafting and saving for ANOTHER special event. I wanted for my thirtieth birthday to be a fabulously spectacular celebration that I've worked hard to have, so I've created that for myself. I'm very excited!
Modern Family
puppy snuggles
soda water
nice doctors
NEW LUSH STUFF
Ikea
Hubby's new job... It makes me so happy to see him so happy.

Alright, time to go take a bath and chill in bed. Have a fabulous week guys!

 

Tuesday, Sept 2nd

Finally taking a break to blog. I've been pretty heavily consumed by The Sims 4 for the last day, so this is taking a lot out of me. You all need to know that.

I'm sitting and relaxing with my gorgeous hubby in my gorgeous house watching some of my favourite shows. It's been a great week and I'm finally enjoying some time away from school and lavishing in every moment of it. I'll be tidying the house, re-organizing my life, and doing LOADS of crafting (most of the people I love will be getting beautiful handmade items from our home for the holidays this year. And, AND!! I'LL BE MAKING WREATHES BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE A DOOR TO PUT THEM ON!)

Anyways, I'll get on with my list, as I have a lot more Sims to play and also Ink Master is on.


When dramatic interest is drawn by children's songs featuring gentle approaches to death... I was watching Desperate Housewives the other day and Susan was in a car with David Dash (for those of you not familiar, he was driving her to the death he felt she deserved for many reason) and she began singing the old woman and the fly song to calm her son... The lyrics "perhaps she'll die" hit right at the moment of impact and it was VERY exciting. Also, for something a little more modern, in World War Z, when the family is in the middle of the city and they watch a man get bit, die, and then come back to life, the Sesame Street bit (counting trains) counts the amount of time it takes for the zombie to re-animate. It's incredible and gives a creepy, fun vibe to scary scenes.
Chemical peels... I am literally completely obsessed with these right now. I've begun a series of them and my skin has never looked better. I want to get them constantly right now. I'm so fascinated by the reactions the different peels have on the skin and love learning about combinations and effects long term.
croissant sandwiches
passion tea from Starbucks
mustard
waxing... and I'm pretty badass at it. Deal with it.
Derek... This show is such a gorgeously painful piece of art. Muffin and I have been watching it for the last week or so and every single episode has made us weep. It's a beautiful, sad, hilarious, and wonderful show. It makes me miss England so much and makes my heart swell for reasons that a lot of other shows don't. They approach ugly topics that a lot of other shows refuse to and I love that.
Guardians of the Galaxy... WATCH IT RIGHT NOW!
reading
true crime books
Esthetic Sciences
taco burgers
korean bbq jerky
F.R.I.E.N.D.S... all the episodes. All the time.
Ikea
Maleficent
organizing my life
when i cut something with a knife that cut garlic previously...There is a residual flavour that I just adore. Last night I had some ice water with lemon that was clearly cut with a knife that had recently also cut some garlic. It was my favourite super-lemon water, but with the tiniest hint of garlic and I couldn't get enough of it.
Funny one-liners from news anchors... today, for instance, an anchor was covering schoolkids and their return to their prospective institutions. He was talking about the ramping-up of police around schools because people like to drive like maniacs apparently, when school begins. he finished the feed by saying "While the kids are learning their abc's, driver's better mind their p's and q's."
Sims 4
Sephora... Good LORD I am obsessed with this place! I get a sweet discount right now and I'm taking full advantage of it. My makeup has been ramped up and I'm so pleased.
My makeup skills... On that note, people should know that I am freaking awesome at applying makeup. Several of the people in my class asked me constantly to apply their makeup and my confidence is riding high. Maybe I'll upload some photos.

Alright. I'm done for the evening. Time to snuggle my puppy and hubby. Have a wonderful night all, I know I will.

Great Wolf Lodge...

SO. It's been a painfully hot summer here in the Pacific Northwest and we were gifted a really brief reprieve from the heat by my oh-so-beautiful mother-in-law, who booked us a room at a resort we've been desperate to stay at pretty much since the day I arrive back in the States.

Every drive by its outdoor water slides would send me into a fit of jealousy that I could barely contain as I murmured under my breath about how poor we were and how much I hated EVERY person in that water park because I couldn't be there.

Great Wolf Lodge is marketed as a gigantic water park that's inside (which is wildly necessary because Washington makes me want to die with all it's OMGITNEEDSTORAINEVERYDAY bullshit) a humidity-controlled resort. What it REALLY is, is a money sink. The rooms themselves are outrageously with absolutely nothing included. No meals, no transportation, no nothing. You get to go play in their actually pretty small water park and then sleep in their rooms, which are one of the only things I appreciated about the trip.

Upon arrival, Muffin was forced to wait in line to check in for nearly an hour, as there were only two staff working the front desk at peak check-in time. Once he finally made it up to the counter, after getting the key and purchasing a "Paw Pass" (which is a glorified sight-seeing pass for a facility that isn't big enough to need to see the sights. The pass itself gets you a wolf-themed Build-a-Bear, a small cup of Mike and Ike's, a small sundae, a t-shirt, and a glitter tattoo. Molly got to spend her own money on this waste, as we were not going to drop forty dollars for fifteen bucks worth of junk) for the child, he had to all but fight the staff for two more sets of ears (that easily had a wholesale cost of fifty cents) for the two of us.

Our room wasn't ready when we arrived, so we were allowed to go out into the waterpark and the staff assured us that they would call the instant our room was ready for us to move on in. They assured us that it wouldn't be more than an hour, and that we could play in the park to our heart's content, so we did.

The park itself? Small and not good enough. For being marketed as a fabulous indoor waterpark, it was disappointing. I can totally understand why, as a ten-year-old, it would be the most fabulous place in the world, but for THIS almost thirty-something? Terrible. Lockers were twenty dollars each to reserve for the remaining eight hours of the day, band-aids and log strands of hair kept entangling themselves with my toes, and the lifeguards and staff were atrocious. I am a particular fan of good customer service. I personally feel that if you are going to work with the public, you should take a specific interest in being respectful, kind, and helpful, especially if you are going to work in a place where your patience is going to be tried. So why, in the name of god, would people with such bitter, negative attitudes, work in a place where they not only need to be sensitive to people with herds of small children, but also people who are insecure or uncomfortable in their own skin, being thrust into a bathing suit for the sake of their children's joy? The staff were atrocious. They were unhelpful, disrespectful, and intolerable, which is unacceptable. 

Two painful hours in the tide pool later, no phone call had been received. Muffin called the front desk, only to have them have no idea who we were or why we were wanting a room. We made our way to the front desk, finally gained the secret knowledge as to where our room was, and went to dry off in the safety of our room. A room that was, like I said, the only good part about our trip (apart from spending a wonderful night with our favourite friends). The room was huge, had a balcony (which didn't come cheap, by the way), a tiny TV (which was broken and had to be replaced), the littlest shower in the world, and OMGCOMFYBEDS. The beds were easily the best part. They were plush, huge, and covered in pillows.

I didn't want to leave my bed, but the lure of food enticed me. Unfortunately, the foodplace in the hotel was a buffet at a whopping twenty bucks a head, so there was no way we were going to eat THERE. We instead walked en masse to a burger place next door (who really deserve their own poor rating, but I just can't stand to drone on for ages about their overpriced burgers, which were tasty, but not worth the pennies) to have some chow before going back to the hotel so that Molly could buy a thirty buck piece of plastic with the last of her money that she could wave around to see paintings come "alive" in front of their very eyes (OMGMAGICAL).

We then swam for another forty minutes and then made our way between the ice cream parlour (where we promptly gave up one of our limbs), the build-a-bear workshop, the arcade (which was my second-favourite part of the trip, as, after an hour and many dollars of trying to win a specific toy, my whining prompted the staff to open the machine and GIVE me a toy), and the disco going on in the great room.

It was overall just exhausting and nearly put us in the poor house. We were lucky that someone else paid for the room, because otherwise we wouldn't have made it through the trip financially. A lot of improvements can stand to be made, and I hope that they shape things up.

Two-and-a-half stars out of five.

Tuesday, July 8th

It feels like it is literally the hottest day in the world. I want to die right now.

The child and I are sitting around, trying not to melt away by filling the living room with fans and reducing the amount of clothes we are wearing considerably. We're watching a film and waiting for the sun to go down so that we can go outside and play.

I have about four blogs to post tonight, two or three on here and one on my other blog, so I'll get on with this Tuesday and move on to them...

TJ Miller
free cinema visits... I follow a lot of groups where I am lucky enough to get a whole heap of free stuff, including a phone last year, lots of toilet paper, and free cinema tickets. My most recent free fabulousness came in the form of two free pre-screening tickets to see the new film The Purge: Anarchy. I'll do a blog about it in a bit, but I wanted to make sure that I gave some love to how much I love new films and especially love to go and see them for free with my BFF on a Monday evening!
thrillers
water parks... NOT the prices, just the experience. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate the prices at places set out to entertain children and steal money from their unsuspecting parents. Again, I have begun a blog about my latest experience at a water park, so you'll have to wait for that. Just suffice it to say that I love them, but only the water part, not the fleecing.
waxing... I'm badass at it and you should totally be jealous that you're not here to get waxed by me right now.
crocheting
Wen Fa... Hot. Towels. On. My. Sternum and neck. DO IT.
ice packs... They make everything okay on these painfully hot nights.
cuddles
bedtime... particularly with Molly here. Every night at bedtime we get to lay her in bed, talk about life, her other home, her friends, her favourite parts of our day, and then we give cuddles and kisses and go to bed. It's really nice and I'll miss it when she leaves, but I'm really glad that her mum also gets to spend so much time with such a great little lady. Knowing that all her love and fun and cleverness is being spread around the country is heartwarming. Her mummy deserves every bit of love that she gets from her.
road trips
planning my Thirtieth... Yeah, that's right. In 128 days I will be thirty and I've been planning like a fiend. I want to do something special and important, even if it IS just for me and Hubby to experience (unless, of course, any of YOU want to meet us and celebrate as well!)
organizing my Pinterest
The VA... After many, MANY weeks of strife and concern, I was given something magical from my dad AND the VA. Because of my dad's service-related injuries, he's recently been awarded one hundred percent disability and because he's my daddy I get to have my education covered by his GI bill. I can't believe that finally, after all the crap that's been showered upon our household, we are being gifted something so special. I'm finally catching a break and I couldn't thank my father or the VA more.
my dad
Denise... she's an angel. One of my classmates and one of the people I'm closest with at the moment. I love her so much.
bonding with classmates... Some of them. do you guys remember when I was in Cosmo and I was dealing with bullshit high school drama? That shit is creeping up again with a few of my classmates and I'm furious about it. I just want to be in a class where I can learn and not have to deal with dramatic crap. Why is that SO HARD?! A few of my classmates, though? They're gems. They are kind, hilarious, and really great to just sit and talk to. We're still all learning about one another, but it's been fun!


Alright. I've got stuff to do... Namely a bath with a super sexy bath bomb just before working on another blog or two and organizing more of my pinterest.

Have a fabulous night and be well!

June 2014. It's ALSO Tuesday!

Good LORD! It's already July!

With the little one outside playing in the warm night with the neighbour kids, I get a moment in the sweltering heat of our house to post some of my favourite things about the past month.

It's been a month chock full of excitement, hot days, fun, and crazy busy, but I've enjoyed pretty much every second of it. Please, have a look!

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Esthetics... I've just begun my first quarter and we started waxing today (which I am INCREDIBLE at, if I do say so myself) and I'm in love! Thus past month has been really important for my education thus far and I've appreciated every moment of it. We've learned a gigantic amount about skin and how it reacts to lots of different variables. It's been great!
• The CDC... I am VERY fascinated with the CDC right now and spend a LOT of time perusing their website every day to keep myself updated on any new outbreaks or viruses. It's incredibly interesting.
• Having Molly here... she's been here for a few weeks now and it's been such a great time! We have so much fun with her, learning about her and teaching her about things that might be new to her. We've spent a lot of time watching films from the eighties and nineties and have done a lot of crafts together. We've all had a blast! To top it off, we've gotten to see her grow leaps and bounds even just in the weeks since she's been here because she finally gets a chance to relax and be a kid. I worry she doesn't get to just get out and get dirty and have rambunctious fun very often at home, so we like to accommodate that.
• Reading... I've been doing a lot of it and there's not really a lot of explanation needed.
• Maleficent... If you're one of my regulars, you'll know I love it. I want to see it again desperately.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Taking as many photos as possible... Because we only get a handful of days with the little lady a year, we like to capture as many memories as possible. I've spent a lot of this trip taking a step back and letting Muffin enjoy time with Molly so that I can take photos for him to look back on until the next time he sees her again. It'll be a long five months, but we'll see her again soon enough. 
• Stephen King books... Doctor Sleep has spurned a whole new love for Mr. King's books for me again. I've become pretty obsessed with reading as many of them as possible lately. Plus, he has a new one that JUST came out that I'm going to be starting soon. He's such a brilliant author and I adore his books. I'm also thrilled to discover that a whole heap of his books are going to be made into films VERY soon!
• Planning Great Wolf Lodge... So, for Molly's birthday, Grandma booked us a room at Great Wolf Lodge for this summer and we're going in three days. We can't even BELIEVE how excited we are about it! I honestly think Muffin and I are more excited than Molly is. We've been looking at photos of the water park there every single day to get ourselves all riled up about the trip. It's going to be so much fun and there will be TONS of photos taken to commemorate the excitement!

Things I want to tell July Danie:

• "You can take the high road and it won't cost you a penny. Just be patient and understanding."
• "Stop putting off workouts, you're not going to get where you want to be with that kind of attitude!"

last but not least... here's a quote.  I've personally given up on being hateful. I want for things to start mending, and until people make the decision to grow up with me, I'll be here, patiently hoping for an end to all the negative junk in my life. I don't have time in my life for things that are so unpleasant. I have chosen to be happy and take control of how I treat people. I know that everyone deserves to be treated with fairness and respect, and I am willing to offer that to individuals, even if they might not necessarily deserve it.

Mangnificent!

So, I wanted to expand my reviews to more than just films, and what better way to start doing that than by reviewing the new products that the place I work, LUSH, is releasing soon?!

I am madly in love with LUSH and have been systematically going through all the products in the store to find out what ingredients are in them and why they are there. Every now and again, though, we get a special box of glorious new products that we get to try out before they are released. The newest releases are special though, because we are actually able to publicize them and show them off, which is why I am here today.

I want to tell you guys about a new soap from the "Fresh New LUSH" line that will be released around the 3rd of July (I say that because I don't know that we have been confirmed with a specific date. I know that the new campaign begins on the 3rd, and the new campaign is the "Fresh New LUSH" campaign, so there's that.)

Anyways, the new soap that I want to talk about today is one of the two new soaps that are being released called Mangnificent. It's pretty much my new favourite thing. Immediately upon opening the box I fell in love with the smell. I scoured through the box, systematically sniffing each of the seven new products that were in it so as to ascertain where this special, mouth-watering smell was coming from.

When my fingers finally hit a soft, smooth surface, I knew they were where they needed to be. I opened it and clutched it to my nose and momentarily disregarded all the other contents of the box. I decided instantly that I needed to take a shower. A shower that made everything in my life better.

The fresh, soothing mango scents that came from this little bar of glory are incomparable. They are bright, soothing, and really, super fresh. This is easily my new favourite soap scent we have in store now. And not only is it filled with mango, but it has a good hit of lemon and neroli oils in it too. These scents combined give a great, summery, fun scent to your shower that are not comparable to anything else in the store.

But if we go past the smell (which I almost don't even need to. The smell sells it almost all by itself), we see how WILDLY moisturizing it is. I personally have horrifically bad dry skin issues, and this soap happily soothed my dry, upset skin. The mango skin cleansed and the massive abundance of oils left my skin feeling super moisturized and not at all oily (which is GREAT, because I hate that stupid oily feeling that some products can leave with me).

Overall, it's a great product. It's fresh, cleansing, and easily one of my most favourite of the new products that we will be selling in the coming weeks.

Maleficent...

This film.

This is a film that I have been indescribably excited about for years now. Since Angie first signed on to be a part of it, I have been waiting with bated breath, periodically checking IMBD for any sign of progress.

Not being a particularly huge fan of the whole Sleeping Beauty franchise myself, my excitement was not driven by a long-standing love for Aurora and her story of  a curse bestowed upon her that was only broken after many years of being asleep and the kiss of a strange man who always made me quite uncomfortable (I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT GUY JUST ROAMS THE FOREST TO FIND SLEEPING GIRLS TO KISS?!). I recall the only part about the story I enjoyed being that the entire kingdom would become entirely overgrown as all of its inhabitants slept. I LOVED seeing all the different interpretations on a deserted kingdom. The way the vines would take over every aspect of the town, twirling around the ovens of abandoned bread and closets filled with lavish  fabrics and gowns. That, being the creepy kid I was, was always my favourite part. Not the kiss. Not the search for true love. The desertion and dark.


This film changed everything for me.

First and foremost, I need to tell you guys that the cinematography? Mind-blowing. I could hardly believe the incredible background. Every detail was accounted for in this perfect re-imagining of the classic Sleeping Beauty story. The creature-creation was wonderful. I loved the way the entire land was created seemingly from scratch to establish a world that only could be inhabited by fairies and fantastical forest creatures.

Second? The makeup and hair blew my goddamned mind. I couldn't find one single flaw in the entire film (barring, of course, Aurora's stupid eyebrows, but made me want to kill myself every time she was on the screen. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO BE SO DARK?!). I was stunned by how perfectly executed each prosthetic and brush stroke was. In fact, after the film, Husband and I were discussing Maleficent's makeup and how the horns were installed, only for me to find out that Justin Smith Esquire, a gorgeous milliner from London who I hung out with just prior to leaving the UK, created the headpiece. I was delighted to find this out and felt marginally closer to the film and Angie with this knowledge. He's a wildly talented man and I couldn't have been more pleased for him.

The biggest, and most glorious thing about the film was the storyline. The way that the story had been twisted not only from the point of view of the villain, but also from the point of view of a villain that hadn't always been a villain was spectacular. the scope and approach to the story was superb and I couldn't have even hoped for it to have been better. I found the script to be perfectly executed and the cast immaculately selected to interpret the story just as it needed to be.

Overall, it is a fabulous film. Incredible to watch for young, old, male, female, everyone. My ten-year-old step-daughter adored it, as did her grandmother AND my husband. It's worth a watch and worth dragging any and all of your loved ones to. 

Tuesday, June 10th

Quick one. I have a lot of homework and a child to pay attention to tonight, but I just wanted to whip something out.

Jewish doctors... when I went in for nerve testing on my hands and arms a few weeks ago I had the most stereotypically Jewish doctor I had ever met in my life. He was hilarious, helpful, and really great, and the fact that he had those thick glasses rested on his gigantic nose was just the icing on the cake.
lemon jellybeans
Jim Gaffigan
my handwriting
how well-behaved our dog is
pens
Julie Bowen
Lloyd Kaufman
Oddities... JUST discovered it, and I'm in love.
Thai Yellow Curry
Coconut Prawns
when people respect boundaries... so many people have no concept of how to respect boundaries, and so when someone actually does, it's really wonderful and refreshing.
Dark Roca
hospitals

reading dermatology books
wasting my breaks away talking to Mo...  Like I've said a billion times before, I adore my teacher and spend most of my breaks for lunch or whatever else sitting in her office, talking to her. Brainstorming ideas, venting, or just shooting the shit. I love talking to her so much.
having super-short hair again
Rich Fulcher
Eric Stonestreet
unplugged albums
Riot
Cheryl Hines
Andy Dick
A Million Ways to Die in the West
Maleficent.... OH THERE WILL BE A BLOG, JUST YOU WAIT!

Alrighty, back to schoolwork! Have a fabulous week!
 

A Million Ways to Die in the West...

You know, I thought that since I watch so many films, documentaries, and shows, that I would start storing all my findings in one place for me to hark back to, but also so that I can just tell each person in my life en masse how much I love or loathe a film/documentary/show. I can't promise there won't be spoilers, but I will promise to be as clear and honest as possible. And it may not stop there. I have opinions, as I'm sure many of you are aware, so maybe I'll start slapping my opinions on products, foods, and other crap on here too, just for good measure. I need more of a challenge with my writing and why not direct it towards something helpful and informative?

So, the first one I shall be "reviewing," as such, will be A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Muffin is pretty much the biggest Family Guy fan in the world and so we have pretty much been planning to go see it since the day we discovered it was being made. I personally also do love the whole Seth MacFarlane conglomerate, but abhor constant poop, penis, and vomit jokes. I can handle a few here and there, but I have to say that there are only so many ways I can hear someone innuendo sex before I throw my hands in the air and lose interest.

Take Ted, for instance. Again, Muffin was DYING to see it from the moment word was out about it being made. It was all I heard about for MONTHS. So when it finally came out, we immediately went to see it and I wasn't miserable with it. I got tired of the toilet humour, but I could hang. We now have to pull it off of our shelf ever few months to watch it again (ie. the morning before we went and saw A Million Ways) just to get our fill of the hilarity that ensues. I put on my blinders on during the parts that I know make me want to kill myself and laugh heartily at the parts I know slay me.

Anyways. Back to the film. I trudged into the cinema with my hubby, BFF, and her husband, dreading how much this could make or break my appreciation of Mr. MacFarlane. I knew from day one that this film was either going to make my sides split for one hundred and sixteen minutes or make me want to die. He was either going to hit a home run or be kicked off the team. And I've got to admit, my confidence was not high for the former. I was almost completely certain that this was going to be the last bucket of overly-buttered popcorn that I would be consuming at a MacFarlane film. I had the nails in my hand, set to hammer into his coffin and put my adoration for his smart, snappy sense of humour (despite all poop and penises) to bed once and for all.

And boy was I wrong.

I won't lie, it's pretty heavy on the toilet-humour, but it is VERY sparse in comparison to the surprisingly witty period humour. There were countless plays-on-words and innuendos that were innocent enough to stand on their own as plain old smart jokes. I was in love with all the hilarious cap-nods to the wagon-and-horses days that not many (or any) of us know anything about.

It DID seem that Seth took it upon himself to steal every single joke or one-liner in the film for himself. Despite his HUGE array of big stars (Giovanni Ribisi, Neil Patrick Harris, Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, and Sarah Silverman), he snagged all the hilarity for almost entirely for his character, leaving the other characters not entirely in the dark, but not quite maximized to their full potential.

What he DID do was let those characters give their nods to previous characters or roles, which delighted me to no end. Seeing Giovanni Ribisi dancing his seductive little booty off again a'la Ted was worth all the stress of what the film would have to store. And OH there were tons of nods to Ted, which I didn't have a problem with. It was fun and made the nerds who are huge devotees to MacFarlane's other projects feel like they had a little insider knowledge. 

What this film DID do was make me hate Sarah Silverman less, but only marginally. I just hate her so much and almost immediately lose interest in anything that she is involved in once I find out. OH! And there's a HEAP of cameos! So the film isn't all about just the named stars, the cameos make it GREAT!

What I noticed this film ALSO did was spend probably more money than they needed to on CG animation. I'm just going to say that if you have a few extra bucks in your coffer, don't spend it on animated sheep penises. Nobody ever needs to see animated sheep penises in their film, no matter what they are watching. Yes, the song was funny, but it wasn't heightened by the penises, it just made me lose interest for about five minutes.

Overall, it was really clever, funny, and enjoyable. I wouldn't, in a million years, suggest this film to everyone. Like, I told my sister flat out to not bother going to see it. It's unmistakeably from the creator of Family Guy and worth a watch if you're a fan of it or if you like period humour and don't mind a bit of PERIOD humour (do you see what I did there?)

I'd give it a 4 out of 5. If someone gave me some free tickets to go see it right now, I'd be right there, but I'd not break my bank to see it before DVD release.

May 2014

YAY! A new month! I am so excited for summer than I can hardly stand it!

The cards of my life are falling into clear and beautiful places and I'm so pleased from day-to-day that I stop several times a day just to look up and thank whatever stars finally aligned to make things so great.

I'm going to compile a list of things that made the last month so prolific and great for me, so have a gander!


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Documentaries... Again, I have caught the documentary bug and I've been taking in TONS over the last couple of weeks. Each night when I come home I pop one on. In fact, during my homework today I've zipped through about seven documentaries. It's been really fun and informative. I just love watching them and being back in class has really boosted that excitement again. My teacher LOVES documentaries and has had us watching a lot through the quarter, so I've just been taking that home with me at night and consuming as many as possible.
• FANS... It's been hotter than blazes here the last week or two and I've fallen in love with my fan again. The poor little guy gets dragged from room to room in the house throughout the day to help keep us nice and cool.
• Skyping with Molly... Muffin called me in to Skype with her today and it was SO nice. She's just such a grown-up little lady right now and getting to catch up with her was really nice. Muffin has been loving finally being able to see his little girl quite a lot too. She loves Skyping with him and he couldn't be happier. Seeing that tiny little face light up as she shows us the landmarks of her daily life is so nice. We can't WAIT to see her!
• Numbers falling... I'm ever so slowly losing weight. That number on the scale is falling each day and I couldn't be more pleased!

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Diseases and Disorders of the skin... I'm pretty much completely obsessed with them. I go to bed each night thinking about them and reading about the ones that I can't piece together by myself. Learning about cell differentiation and the life processes of certain diseases and disorders has really inspired me to discover as much as I possibly can about them. I want to know why certain skin is spared, or why, in a pair of twins, one will have psoriasis and the other won't. It's all such an enigma and I'm in love with it. 
•  Summertime activity planning... So Molly broke her arm, so we've had to alter the activities that we had been planning just a little bit. She'll get her cast off around the middle of her visit, so we'll be able to do some of the fun activities that we had planned, but this has opened up our eyes to a whole heap of NEW activities that are friendly to a broken limb. We have a list as long as that little broken arm of things that we'll be able to do, so we're excited!
• Cosmetic Chemistry... Given my schooling and where I work, it is WILDLY important for me to learn as much as possible about ingredients used in cosmetic products, and that has filled my little life up at the moment. When I'm not looking up the histology of Acne Fulminans or Herpes Zoster, I am reading in-depth about the ingredients in every single thing I possibly can. I want to know why each and every ingredient is in everything I use now and why. I want to know what purpose things serve and why they are on my skin. I literally have my cosmetic dictionary with me everywhere I go and refer to in constantly. It's a lot of fun.

Things I want to tell June Danie:

• "Kindness. Remember kindness and patience."
• "TAKE MORE BATHS! YOU DESERVE TO!"

 last but not least... here's a quote. PHEW! This hit me hard when I read it the other day! It's such a true statement, particularly with all the times I find myself taken aback by people being turds. I've lived with this mantra for years now and this popped up just as I needed it. It hits home. 

April 2014...

Whew! It's been a goddamned long couple of months. I totally missed-out on putting March up because I started two (Yeah, two) jobs, my new course at school, AND moved. It's been busier than holy hell and we're finally starting to reach a level of homeostasis that we've not seen in a while.

Despite our house being in utter shambles at the moment and me literally working or being at school every single day of the week, I am very slowly falling back in love with life. I adore the new house, my jobs are glorious, and Muffin and I are doing fabulously. I can't really complain a huge amount.

Speaking of new jobs, I actually JUST got home from a pretty long day, so I've got to get on with this...


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• New house... It's over 1,500 square feet of fabulous. Not only do we have a bedroom, but the kids will have a bedroom to sleep in when they come visit, Muffin has a music room, and I have my own craft room. Yeah,  you heard that right. I have a craft room. A room entirely dedicated to all my yarn, sewing machine, scrapbooking crap, and glitter. It's my own little slice of heaven that I am madly in love with.
• Costco... It's pretty much the best place ever, in the world. I am in love with their pizza (LESS THAN TWO DOLLARS A SLICE) and can't believe the huge amounts of fruit and veggies I can get all at once. We don't go there horribly often, but I love being able to go and just walk around and find things I can't live without.
• Work... You all should probably just deal with the fact that I work at LUSH now. I have been desperately trying to get a job there for years now, and FINALLY got it! I literally have a job that lets me wear as much glitter as I want, which is never a problem. Every day when I get off Muffin actually treats me like I've been writhing around with dead bodies all day and herds me to the bedroom to strip off and change into something less sparkly. I couldn't be more pleased.
• My teacher... I've mentioned her once. Maybe twice. I can't help but mention her again. I love her an indescribable amount. She is such a kind, wonderful woman and I couldn't imagine having a better teacher even if I wanted to. It is a joy to get out of deb every morning because I know that I will get to sit at my little desk and listen to her very passionate discussions about topics that she very clearly feels strongly about. She inspires me to push myself and learn as much as possible and that's what everyone should look for most in a teacher.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• The new blog... My new step-parenting blog. It's really been special to have a place that is mine that can be used solely for talking about all the crap going on in my life with regard to blending families. It's very fulfilling.
• DIY projects for the new house... I've been whipping out curtains, making rugs, painting shelves, and learning new organizing techniques that are really helping us to make this new house a home. So far, the kitchen and bathroom have new curtains and two of the bedrooms have new rugs on their way to being done. Life's been busy with school and workies and stuff, but I'm finding time to make lovely things for the house and channel my energy into something more positive and enriching.
• Watching all the best documentaries... When i get some spare time I like to throw on one of the literal hundreds of documentaries I have saved on our Netflix queue. I really enjoy sucking up as much information as I possibly can about every topic from adoption to narcotizing fasciitis. It's fascinating and helps my mind keep limber and on top of it's game.  

Things I want to tell March Danie:

• "Summer is just around the corner and it's going to be a doozie, so brace yourself!"
• "The house will get to where it needs to be. You don't need to fuss over every detail. It's okay to take a break just for yourself sometimes."

 last but not least... here's a quote. This has HAD to be my mantra for the last month or two. There has been a lot of horrible bullshit going on around me and I've had to remind myself repeatedly that it is okay to be frustrated and angry, but never, under any circumstances, is it okay to be hateful or cruel. So many people have an issue with their emotions and can't contain them. They are forced to do horrible things by their shitty attitudes, and I am thankful that I am able to rise above that.

Tuesday, April 22nd...

GUYS! WE ARE ALL SET UP IN OUR NEW HOUSE!

And I literally couldn't be happier if I wanted to be. Our lives are finally reaching a point where things are more manageable. Things are crazy busy, but totally great. I'm working at the school, working at LUSH and going to school full time and I am in love with how busy I've been. After months that turned into years of being stagnant and listless, I'm making up for it with no days off (I'm doing as much as I can now so that I can have time off when Molly gets here this summer), which has been fulfilling but goddamned exhausting.

I've got some schoolwork to do, so I should probably get this bad boy out of the way.

Here, have a list...

New Blog... So I started a new blog. A blog that I can use to pretty much talk about my experiences as a step-mom. It's been a long, hard road that has left me almost completely debilitated some days, but the sun is finally beginning to shine and I want to share hope with other people who may still be lost in the darkness like I was for so many months. It's hard and I want people to know that this is manageable. This can be gotten through, and they will do it. I want to share my experiences... Things that have or haven't worked, as well as just talk about things that maybe I wish I'd known three years ago. Go have a gander and let me know what you think.
crocheting... I've been doing a lot with my hands over the last several months and I've been enjoying it so much. I feel like that has been one of the things that have kept me grounded... Creating and making people happy (well, SOME people. Apparently BJ just couldn't handle the really thoughtful gift I sent to her for her baby, but other than that, people are grateful and receive my gifts with smiles.). My most recent was a cell that I made for class which, upon giving it to my teacher for grading, became everyone's new favourite thing in the world. My teacher actually wept as she clutched it to her chest. It took me three days to whip out and was worth every single moment that I spent agonizing over what stitch to use or what colour should represent what.
having a yard again... I LOVE mowing the lawn and I LOVE watching Sebass prance into the grass to roll around like a pig in mud. I perfectly adore sitting in the grass with the puppy and watching people cycle by. It's just delightful.
Wolf of Wall Street... Yeah, we watched it again. I love it. Deal with it.
LUSH... For YEARS, guys. YEARS! I  have lusted after a job at LUSH for literally almost an entire decade. I have forlornly sauntered past every shop I've come into contact with more times than I can count, wishing desperately that I could be cool enough to wear that fabulous black apron and smell sweetly of flours, blackcurrant and tea tree oil. And now? NOW!? I WORK THERE AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE! I come home every single night smelling sweet and COVERED in glitter. I adore the people I work with and am madly in love with learning everything there is to know about every product and ingredient that we have in store. Also?! Now I know what EVERYONE will be getting for every one of the holidays for the foreseeable future because I get the sweetest discount in the world!
coconut milk
step-parenting books... I've really spent a lot of time over the last year consuming as many books as possible about shared households and what things are best and worst to do in order to cultivate a healthy environment for little ones. I have spent so much time being lost, like I said, and the books I've read have helped me to see the error of some of my ways and reestablished a lot of my own core values. It's been interesting and inspiring. I still have a few more that I need to get to, but it's been interesting.
ham
magazines on my Kindle... OMG SO EASY AND CONVENIENT!
breakfast burritos... Muffin and I spent the bulk of Easter morning frying breakfast sausage and eggs and whipping out breakfast burritos in bulk to freeze for future breakfasts. It was a goddamned pain in the ass at the time, but totally worth it this morning when I dug in the fridge for food to fill my belly at half past six this morning.
Costco
Hobby Lobby
John Carpenter films
Fargo... not just the film now. The TV adaptation started last week and it's blown my mind. I am in love with it and can't wait for the next episode!
Billy Bob Thorton
unpacking
standing up for myself... Go find my new blog.
Almond Roca
Etsy
Easter
DVR
planning our summer... We are just SO excited for summer! Not only are we finally in a house with a porch where we can have actual, real-live barbeques, but Molly will be coming to visit, we will BOTH be walking out prospective stages to graduate, and we will have another photoshoot. There's a lot to look forward to in the next several months that I am ecstatic for.


Alright. Time for homework! I hope you are all having a fabulous day and have an even greater week!
 
 

Tues, April 15th

It's easily been one of the longest weeks of my life, but I really wanted to make sure I noted just how in love I am with lots and lots of things! I need to go to bed, so I'm going to type this bad boy up and then go to bed.

Here goes!

cookie dough skillets
x-rays of people talking or chewing
Lego Movie
Stubbs Programme... It's a "frequent flier" programme at our local cinema and it gets us so many awesome things (like free films and concessions) and I LOVE it!
ice packs
How I Met Your Mother... and despite many people's opinions, I was very pleased with the finale.
new glasses
catching up on Desperate Housewives again... never, ever do I regret starting it up again. I adore that show and could watch it constantly.
snoozing in the back of the car on a road trip
when amazingly deserving people get pregnant... I have a really good friend who has been trying to get pregnant for years and her and her husband are FINALLY pregnant. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for them! They deserve this so much!
That 1 Guy
The Peculiarium
packing... I totally love sorting through all of my stuff and packing it systematically (and perhaps a little too anal retentively) to go into each room depending on the colour-coding system that I have set up for the move. It's awesome and really helps me to put into perspective what I do and don't need to keep.
NEW HOUSE... GUYS! THIS HOUSE IS INCREDIBLE! It's huge and old and beautiful and has a yard AND IT'S ALL OURS! AND I HAVE MY OWN CRAFT ROOM! I can't even begin to express how excited I am to be unpacking everything into this house that Muffin and I selected for us to make our tiny life in. I'm making curtains, planning wall treatments, and taking the puppy for walks in our quiet neighbourhood. I love it!
vaporizer... yeah. I've decided to completely quit smoking and despite how trendy and bullshit they are at the moment, my vaporizer has helped me an unbelievable amount.
Portland... it's SUCH a wonderful city and I just love chances to jaunt down there, even for just a day trip.
heating pad
theramins
Leonardo DiCaprio
Mel Brooks films
Wolf of Wall Street... GO SEE IT NOW!
my new teacher... She's SUCH a passionate person and watching her teach is something really special. I couldn't ask for a better teacher.
hollandaise sauce
gaps in front teeth... I find that there is something really cute and almost gorgeous about a little gap in a woman's front teeth. It's charming.
The Human Genome Project
MTV Movie Awards... I literally hadn't watched the MTV Movie Awards in at least ten years and Muffin and I decided to sit down and watch it whilst unpacking some boxes and it was surprisingly hilarious and totally enjoyable.
bacteriology

Right. Bedtime. Have a glorious day all!!
 

An Open Letter to a Birth Mom from a Step Mom... Part One.

So this shall be the first of probably several (at least three) blogs that will suit as an open letter to the Birth Mom in my life. The mother of my step-daughter and the woman who has done nothing but attempt to destroy our lives pretty consistently for the last two years or so.

BJ has asked me specifically to not contact her via email, text, or phone, so I have decided this would be the best means for me to get this information out there. This way I can finally say what needs saying and she can read it or not. That will be up to her.

There will be more. I'm just making sure I word them just how I need to.

Please, read on...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Birth Mom,

I am writing you because I'm sure you know just as well as I do that this is a long time coming. I feel like the last year and-a-half has been such a hideous pressure on every single person involved with our houses either directly or indirectly and it’s created emotional and financial strains that I hope you understand we are just as familiar with as you are. It has been hard. For everyone. And I want you to know that I understand that. I understand that and feel for you. Just as I would hope you have the empathy to do for us.

Also? I want you to know that I am writing this not from BD, not from US, but from me. Just me. BD has nothing to do with me writing this. Despite what you may choose to believe, I have maintained a reasonably large distance from all things relating to your court dealings. I made it my job to only be involved if BD asked for help or guidance and that was from a standpoint of a second head to deconstruct and interpret things, were that to be necessary. I provided a shoulder if he needed one to lean on and an ear if he needed to talk or vent. And no matter how much you will try and try to argue that fact, that is where I was. I wasn’t working through him as a puppet master or driving force in an effort to ruin your life or steal your daughter. I was his support system and that was it. 

I also want you to know that I got tired very early on in this. I got tired and took a backseat to everything that was going on because I have my own things that I need to focus on that are more pertinent to the future of our household and my own sanity. I have school, family, work, and my own personal health that I have been taking care of more urgently than a situation that I had no part in creating and decided to have no direct part in resolving. I have always made myself open to try to help and will continue to do so. I will provide support and communication where needed and be kind to everyone to the best of my ability. But I will not try and solve the issues that the two of you have. That’s not my job. 

Despite this, I hope that you would please try and understand that this has been an agonizing thing to sit and watch (just as I can imagine it was agonizing to go through directly). I am not going to sit here and try to even begin to speculate what you went through. Nor am I going to try to compare our situations. There is no parallel. What I do want to do is try to open your eyes to where I've been, because I've spent months reading about what you've been going through and I feel like it would only be fair for me to be able to enlighten you to what we as a household have been going through at the hands of both you and BD.

From our side of it, I really want you to know that there is no way to describe having to live in constant fear of what one of us would hear or find out each morning that would offer insight on what our day would turn into. To never, ever know what turns our day would make because someone else thinks they have the right to reign unpleasantness upon us on a whim. It has been a difficult thing to be a part of that. Luckily, it has built us up to be stronger in the long run. We are now able to listen more objectively, plan more carefully and make decisions that will be better not just for us, but also for the people around us that we love. 

And please don’t think that I don’t know you have got your own troubles. I am very aware of the fact that you have got another child at home who has illnesses that need attending to. I am aware of the fact that you don’t have the money to pay for multiple flights out here for court dates (a problem that didn’t need to be blamed on us if you had simply used the facilities at your disposal, including the ability to get in touch with the County Clerk and advise them that you can’t attend in person, and arranging to phone in so that you were counted as attending.). I am aware that all of the financial and emotional issues that arose must have absolutely put a burden on you and your husband (who is a saint, and I hope he knows that. He sold a lot of his own personal effects for something that could have been prevented by you in the first place. He is an incredible person and I respect how much he supported you through this. You have got yourself a keeper there and you should forever be completely thankful for every day that he has stuck through all of this with you). We experienced our share of issues that I am not comparing to yours, but  instead simply letting you know that I know some of what you were going through, because we had our own issues. There were arguments and times when we had to tighten our belts a little to afford certain things. We know that this caused a strain and I don’t want you to think that you were the only one to suffer through the agonizing months of ragged emotions and empty bank accounts. I empathize and wish things could have been different. 

I also really want you to know that through everything, right from the beginning, I have done nothing but try to empathize with you. And not just from the beginning of the court proceedings. I’m talking about from the beginning, like, when Husband and I were coming to visit Daughter in 2011. I felt for you because I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to let your daughter go spend time not only with a father who she has not spent a lot of physical time with, but also someone she has never met. From the beginning I have strived to be nothing but open, honest and communicative with you, and I would hope that you could look back and recall that. I have never been dishonest with you and unfortunately, despite you telling me countless times that you respect and appreciate it, you’ve regularly been unable to accept a lot of my honesty. 

Again, I understand. You’ve never had anybody challenge or disagree with you before. You’ve spent the last seven years making all the decisions for yourself with little or no regard to BD’s feelings or opinions. So I GET you becoming defensive and lashing out to some degree. It’s new and weird for you to have to be accountable for things like taking Daughter in for (what some might consider) excessive medical appointments or raising her however YOU want. BD is a kind person who never wanted to rock the boat, so he just accepted his fate of just being stuck in the background, only being allowed to talk to Daughter weekly and rarely getting to see her. He had accepted never having any choices on the countless medical procedures you have forced Daughter to endure. He had accepted that Daughter only called him by his name because she had been raised to call her stepfather "Daddy." These are all things that he shouldn’t HAVE to accept, but you gave him no other alternative and made him afraid. 

You had actually made him afraid of you. He was fearful of asking for anything from you, even for photos. A father shouldn’t have to ASK for photos of his child (We know that you have gone and gotten professional photos taken of Daughter, one of the sessions being right near BD’s birthday in 2012 and you didn’t even have the kindness in your heart to ask if he wanted to chip in to buy some for himself and his family). He was worried that if he asked for anything from you that you would cut off what little contact that he already had to fight for, which is unacceptable.

Because of this, he finally hit his limit and got tired of being afraid of you. He decided that he should be allowed to have rights. Rights that you weren’t even giving him the chance to have. You went about every single one of your days with no consideration to him or his feelings. You would keep him in the loop the bare minimum, whilst building your own family up, with as little interaction from BD as possible.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back is when you decided to take Daughter out of school after he told you he didn’t want you to. That, combined with the fact that you decided that you didn’t need to give him formal notice that you were moving was what made him do what he did. You gave him no choice, and I wish you could see that. Any time that he approached you in a very rational way, you blew your top and lashed out at him, completely cutting off all contact. 

Do you remember when you actually stopped him from speaking to his daughter for a couple of weeks? I do, because I remember the hours and days that would pass with him longing just for a photo or just to hear her voice. I wish so much that you could understand how horrifying that is for a parent. To just NOT be allowed to talk to your child. To have someone waive their control of the situation around so callously. You GET to talk to Daughter every day, any time you want to. He doesn't. I don't understand why this is so difficult for you to comprehend. I wish so much that you could utilize just a little empathy regarding BD's situation... How would YOU feel if you knew that you had a gorgeous little girl that you helped to make. A little girl that you were only allowed to speak to once a week if you were lucky. A little girl who you couldn't even pick out of a lineup most days because you only got one picture every four-to-six months. A little girl that you KNEW was brilliant and funny and great to talk to, but you were not allowed to, because that little girl's other parent was busy trying to forget you existed because of the hurt emotions that occurred during your relationship. Not because you are a bad person. Not because you have ever mistreated that little girl. But because of negative feelings harbored and therefore projected upon anybody that they could.

Despite all of this, I tried, and I hope you know that. I defended you to people who were shocked by your actions. I plead your case more times than I can remember because I understood that you were fearful of losing control. I understood that you were blindsided and were acting out in the name of what you called  protecting yourself and your family. I begged for people to try to consider your side of this. I tried so hard to be your personal advocate here to try and protect your feelings. Unfortunately, most of my fighting for you ended very abruptly when a few things were brought to my attention. Things that I had no choice but to take seriously.

I was directed to your public Facebook page that was created as a “secret” page, I guess. A page that was set up with a fake name that led me to a huge cavalcade of other information that I spent hours and hours taking screenshots of.  I fond your Facebook, Pinterest and GoFundMe pages, which I’m guessing you created to protect your identity and still vent, but I wish that you had respected our intelligence a little more than you did and know that you didn’t make yourself hard to find. You also didn’t heed much caution to the things that you said. Things that were often dishonest and downright hateful a lot of the time. 

I want you to know that both BD and I were very careful throughout the entirety of these proceedings to not post or say anything out of anger or that might be construed as such. We owed you more respect than that, and I wish that you had been able to offer us the same respect. Also? We never took the route of lying to try to plead our case, which you did on many occasions, not only through social media, but also on court documents. 

I want you to know that I do very much respect your need to vent and reach out. I can’t count the amount of times that I longed to fumble through my feelings and find someone who I could get sympathy or guidance from. Even then, though, I ensured discretion. Again, I understand and am not condemning you for wanting to reach out. I have spent hours mulling over what you must have been going through. Hours trying to imagine what range of emotions must be running through your head, sometimes making your days unmanageable. I understand that the fear of things to come and the frustration from sudden action must have made you want to pull out your hair a lot of the time. I GET reaching out. I GET venting ugly things to make you feel better about yourself by poking fun at people. But why publicly? Why so blatantly? And why with lies?

Everyone does things behind closed doors that cannot be called to question or challenged, but you brought everything right into the open in an attempt to not only humiliate, but almost create a lynch mob against Husband and everyone affiliated with him. You became paranoid and that caused you to lash out. Most of what you lashed out with though was based on lies. Lies that served no purpose other than to again humiliate and generate a mob of people against us that would praise you and lift you up to be the almighty savior who is being persecuted for nothing but, as you claim, doing what is best for your child. 

I find it really difficult to see how fighting with her father is for her best interest. I find it difficult to understand what part of the things that you said, did and accused us of would benefit your child. I’ve tried, and I really can’t stress that enough. I TRIED to piece together what your thought processes must be like. Processes that have led you to not only post on countless public webpages, but also tell your daughter horrible things about us and lie to professionals about things that you could have never known about. 

The necessity to write this letter came up months ago. Through all of these months I’ve wanted to lash out or say horrible things to you. To publicly out you for all your lies and hatred. I’ve wanted to demand your open ears so that you and all of your friends could hear my half of the stories that you have been spewing out all over the internet. SO many times I started messages to your friends, explaining the truth and how dishonest you were being, but every time I closed it down because that wasn’t necessary. Instead, I’ve decided to go through the things that you have been saying that have been so glaring that I’ve been given no other choice than to defend not only myself, but my husband. You see, I have the right to defend myself and my family just as you do. I am allowed to protect the stability and reputation of my family, just as you are. And that is what I am here to do. So please, read on and see my defenses to the miscommunication and lies that you have been spreading all over the internet and court system. 

They’re broken down by topic and as relatively in chronological order as possible. I’ve also provided screenshots of the posts that you have put up publicly, just in case you might want to deny or pretend it didn’t happen…

February 2014

Hey March,







Nice to meet you. I am actually SUPER excited that you are finally here because February was an asshole and left me exhausted. I'm thrilled to start a new month and see new things transpire.

Right now I am sitting with my BFF Allie and watching the Walking Dead. I thought that since I'd finished all my homework I should get onto doing a blog. There's a HUGE stream of blogs that are inching their way to being done that will be pretty heavy-duty, so be prepared for that. I am intent to close a pretty hefty chapter of my life until someone else decides they want to pull their head out of their ass and reopen it, so that I can finally find peace and know that I did the right thing.






Anyways, here's the new monthly. It's not great, but it's also certainly not horrible.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• That all the court shit is finally over... Last week, Muffin finally decided to just agree to the last couple bits of crazy that were looming over this court case and it's all filed and done. It's been such a goddamned long year, guys. A year from hell. The emotional bullshit that we have endured at the hands of someone who just literally cares about nobody but themselves has been unacceptable, but has left us stronger and better people for it. I'm happy to have been able to be a part of the experience, but I am even more pleased that it is finally over for now and we can start focusing our energies on other parts of our lives. 
• Sunny days... FINALLY, Washington has decided to shed a little light on our lives and it's been fabulous. We've certainly not had much warmth, but the sun is out, which makes the days just slightly more manageable.
• Tomato juice... I literally cannot drink enough of it. It seems as though I'd forgotten how smitten I was with the stuff until two weeks ago when, desperate for something to drink post-tooth extraction, I stumbled across a bottle of tomato juice that made its way into my belly and my heart. Now I can't stop drinking it. I easily finish a bottle a day, and I'm not even a little bit upset about it.
• Hunger Games.... That's really the long and short of this one. There's no explanation necessary. I'm on the third book and I am still hooked.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• BFF lives closer... Yeah, my BFF FINALLY moved much nearer and I am pleased mostly because that means more playdates which include, but are not limited to glittering things, drinking cocktails and eating snacks whilst watching films that make us cry. I've missed having her nearby so much and having her near enough for us to have TWO playdates in ONE week is just incredible.
• Preparing for my new classes... So I'll be starting my new degree at the end of this month and I am SO excited! I'll be working and going to school full time and really pulling my life together. I'm beginning the Esthetics programme at my school so that I will have more opportunities when I finish school and go out and find a more complete job. The degree I am taking is technically to become a Medical Esthetician, which means I would be able to work in hospitals or dermatology clinics to help people with skin conditions and burns. It's a really exciting field that I can't wait to become a part of.  
• Writing a new blog entry... It's been about three months in the making. I've been working on it tirelessly, making sure I've worded every single bit of it properly and conveyed my message perfectly. It is a blog that I've agonized over the need to write for a long time now that I feel is entirely necessary. It'll be coming in parts over the next week or two, so keep your eyes peeled. It's going to be pretty raw and very private, so if you are of a weak constitution, steer clear. 

Things I want to tell March Danie:

• "Your life is getting better and better every day and you have had a major part in that happening. You are strong and creating something safe and great for the lives of you and Muffin, so just know that."
• "FINISH ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE STARTED! ALL THAT YARN WON'T CROCHET ITSELF!"

 last but not least... here's a quote. And it's the truth. All darkness comes to and end and things will become brighter. Just persist.

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YAY! Tuesday! It's been a pretty horrific week for me. I got ANOTHER abscess on my leg, which is a delight. That also means that I get to go see a dermatologist because of the concern surrounding my leg's incessant need to become infected. I'm tired of it and want to die. To top it all off, in the middle of being ill and infected, I got the joy of having a tooth extracted. The first of three. So my week has pretty much just involved me laying in bed dying and on painkillers.

On a good note, I've gotten a TON of reading done and also have started watching Desperate Housewives again, which is my favourite.

Anyway, I've got some schoolwork to do, so I'll get this list done now so I can finish what I need to finish and THEN finish the Catching Fire (WHICH, OMG!!!)

stomping in slush
down pillows
crocheting adorable things... and good GOD have I been churning lots of cutesy things out! I have a friend who is a photographer who asked me if I would be willing to crochet her a bunch of adorable baby costumes for newborn shoots and so I've been creating cowboys, mermaids, snails, ballerinas, bunnies, and lots of other fabulous things to delight new parents who bring their gorgeous offspring to her. In the midst of doing these, I decided to make some things for all the new mommies that I have in my life too, which has been nice. Because every new mommy deserves something nice for their baby.
being the bigger person... and not just because I am fat. I mean, there's that too. But also because I have the capacity for forgiveness and kindness, despite horrible things being said and done to me. I have the ability to love limitless amounts and rise above hideous words and actions in order to bridge gaps and try to make sure people know that they are worthwhile and loved. I don't do it for my own pleasure or to get a rise out of people, but just as a means of reaching out and being kind. Because my mommy raised me right. : )
Ron Perlman... WOOH DOGGIE! A man I love so much and have such a blind affection for that, whilst walking around Costco a week ago, I caught a glimpse of his glorious face on the cover of a magazine. I immediately purchased the magazine, only to find that the content of said magazine was entirely about cigars. A topic I literally have not a single ounce of interest for. Except for the fact that my gorgeous Ronny smokes them and looks damn fine whilst doing it! So now I have a nine dollar magazine on my coffee table that I will never, under any circumstances read, but instead just glance at with a drooly mouth from time to time.
American Horror Story... GOOD. LORD. Our friend had been talking about this show pretty obsessively for the last month or two, and since I was finished with Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead and everything else in the world, I decided to give it a try. That try literally turned into me immediately falling in love with the show and watching every single episode of its three seasons in four days. FOUR. DAYS. Let me break it down for you... Season one... Meh. It's alright. Great wardrobe, amazing soundtrack, and interesting storyline. But it's quite hard to follow. Season three... Please, for the love of god, don't watch this season first and expect it to be the standard for all the other seasons. It is horrible and boring and I hated it. Season two... It literally changed my life. This season blew my goddamned mind. I have always been fascinated with old asylums and that storyline combined with all the other storylines made this season incredible. It wasn't too convoluted and kept me completely engaged the entire season. GO SEE THIS NOW!
Zachary Quinto... what a gorgeous, beautiful man.
we taught Sebass to show us his belly... and it's pretty much the cutest thing in the entire world.
the sound of gigantic raindrops hitting windows
the howling of an elevator ascending and descending
MY BFF IS BACK ON PINTEREST... which I couldn't be happier about, even if I wanted to be. She is my favourite person in the world and I love having her back on there!
Ron Funches
PowerPoint
Brett Gelman
my sister calls people "panty waste"... there is not a single thing about my sister that isn't glorious. She is so, wildly hilarious that I can't help but laugh hysterically through our entire conversations. She is so much fun and when she refers to people as panty waste, I can't help but love her even more.
Rob Delaney
rice pudding
At Midnight... so, you'll notice there's a TON of comedians on here and that's because we've recently discovered the show At Midnight. This show is so, SO funny! We love every moment of it and can't wait until the next time it's on.
Polish hot dogs from Costco
Michelle Obama... I want to be her BFF so much. Since Jimmy Fallon started his new show, she's had a lot of videos pop up of her with Will Ferrel and Jimmy that have solidified my wish to be her BFF. She is such a hilarious person and I just want to chat with her and give her hugs.
HUNGER GAMES... so I became obsessed with the movies after being forced to watch the first two one right after the other in November. I was SO upset after finishing Catching Fire that I had no choice but to start reading the books so that I could find out what happens in the end. Because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am going to wait a YEAR to find out HALF of what happens in the third book. So I am in the middle of Catching Fire right now, and then I will quickly get myself through the last one and be happy with my life.
deer meat... Muffin was given a whole heap of deer meat last week and so we've been eating like royalty! I made a gorgeous goulash with some deer mince and then a beautiful steak dinner with some cuts we had. SO. YUMMY.
tomato juice
drawing... which I've been doing a lot of in the last week or two. Please see some of my drawings!

 

Alright guys! Have a great week and know that there is an extra-special blog coming up shortly. It'll be an interesting one.