Monday, 31 January 2011
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Day 22 - A photo of you and a friend at work.
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Day 21 - A photo of your town.
Friday, 28 January 2011
Day 20 - A photo of you driving.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Day 19 - A photo of something you enjoy doing.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
fag then blog, as promised.
bargh! tuesday!
i'm kinda on a rush to get this done, as i am about to prance out with sarah for a day of wii sports, so i have to make this quick-ish.
the week's been a little "blah." lots of emotions, revelations and talks with people, which have all led me to come to a few somewhat harsh realities, but good ones. we'll see how they pan out, and you can pretty much guess that i will be blogging about them soon-ish.
anyways. here, have a list.
that moment, when you're about to fall asleep and you feel your entire body just relax
feather pillows
certainty
driving Muffin's car... which i only, ONLY love because i am a retard. i learned how much i love driving Muffin's car on friday afternoon. after i practiced parallel parking in a car i'd never been in before and, as a result, crashed it into Muffin's OTHER vehicle, a jeep (aka, a tank). the car i crashed had only been in my friend's possession for two weeks and, well, i felt like a goddamn dick and now don't feel like i could ever bring myself to drive any other car but Muffin's ever again for the rest of my life. sigh.
lobsters
peas
cream cheese
homemade meatloaf
having crafting epiphanies
the fact that my perfume smells of play-dough
Marlboro Skylines
perusing old photos
new haircuts
dressing in layers
unexpected surprises
when Muffin cuddles me without prompting
blah. that's it. sarah's gonna be here any moment and i need another fag and to finish talking to Muffin.
have a beautiful week all!
<3
i'm kinda on a rush to get this done, as i am about to prance out with sarah for a day of wii sports, so i have to make this quick-ish.
the week's been a little "blah." lots of emotions, revelations and talks with people, which have all led me to come to a few somewhat harsh realities, but good ones. we'll see how they pan out, and you can pretty much guess that i will be blogging about them soon-ish.
anyways. here, have a list.
that moment, when you're about to fall asleep and you feel your entire body just relax
feather pillows
certainty
driving Muffin's car... which i only, ONLY love because i am a retard. i learned how much i love driving Muffin's car on friday afternoon. after i practiced parallel parking in a car i'd never been in before and, as a result, crashed it into Muffin's OTHER vehicle, a jeep (aka, a tank). the car i crashed had only been in my friend's possession for two weeks and, well, i felt like a goddamn dick and now don't feel like i could ever bring myself to drive any other car but Muffin's ever again for the rest of my life. sigh.
lobsters
peas
cream cheese
homemade meatloaf
having crafting epiphanies
the fact that my perfume smells of play-dough
Marlboro Skylines
perusing old photos
new haircuts
dressing in layers
unexpected surprises
when Muffin cuddles me without prompting
blah. that's it. sarah's gonna be here any moment and i need another fag and to finish talking to Muffin.
have a beautiful week all!
<3
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Saturday, 22 January 2011
Day 16 - A drunk photo of you.
Friday, 21 January 2011
my body, my choice
overall, things have been okay.
i have been on a bit of a mission to purge the hideous things from my life. Origami, bad attitudes and awful people. i've been successful and feeling generally better about most things, on a slow incline...
the only thing i can't seem to find the ability to stop feeling terrible about constantly is my weight.
i still, today, find myself to be incredibly insecure with my body image.
now, this isn't a cry for help or a blog stating i have any sort of eating disorder, but more a way for me to explain what's happening in my head with regard to my body, weight and general appearance.
like, i can SEE that i've lost a lot of weight. i know that. i peruse old photos of myself starting from when Christopher and i split up and can honestly tell that i have had a drastic change happen to me.
obviously, i know this from more than photos. i know this from the endless streams of comments and emails i get from people saying that they can't believe how thin i am and that they are worried that i'm not eating and that i have lost so much weight... i get it. i HAVE lost weight. the evidence is right up there and also in front of me every time i step on my scales and see i've lost a little bit more weight (something i do three times a day, after learning that from Christopher. i weigh myself in the morning, afternoon and before bed and average the totals. obsessive? i think so!)
the day Christopher and i split up i weight sixteen and-a-half stone (231 lbs) and now, today, i weigh twelve and-a-half stone(177 lbs). it is very clear that i've lost 54 lbs, i get that, but a lot of the time, i still look at myself and photos that are taken and am shocked by what i see. by how much weight i still hold on to.
when Christopher and i split up i didn't eat. i was depressed and went two weeks living exclusively on water and fags. that's it. so i very quickly lost a stone (14lbs). since then, i just can't find the ability to eat very much in one sitting. the only time i really ever eat very much is when i'm with janey (and that's purely because that's all we EVER really did together, apart from drink, a lot). i am the source of constant jokes from Muffin, saying he can't take me anywhere because i just don't finish eating anything, ever.
i FEEL hungry almost all the time, but typically, the instant i start to prepare food or that food is in front of me, i tend to feel ill and not at all ready to nosh. that lack of desire to eat has nothing to do with my weight, but more... i just don't know. like, i don't see food and immediately feel guilty or want to purge. i just don't feel hungry and typically feel ill when food's put in front of me.
it's a waste of a meal when i cook most nights because if i have eating anything, any tiny, little thing at all to eat during the day, there is no way i will be able to eat more than like, five bites of whatever i serve up for Muffin and myself. it's embarrassing and not at all nice for me.
despite this lack of eating, i just do not seem to be shifting any visible weight. i AM losing weight, but nothing that you can tell. i look in the mirror every day and my bum is just as enormous, along with my hips, thighs and tum.
i didn't really click that i had a real kind of weight issue until last week. i was out having a fag whilst picking the mail out of the postbox when i caught my visage in the front window of the house. i saw that i am actually quite a lot thinner than i usually see. i sat and thought for a moment about a conversation Muffin and i had had a day or two prior. a conversation that saw me complaining again about my weight and saw Muffin poking a little fun in reference to an episode of American Dad we had watched recently that focused on Stan having anorexia and seeing himself as physically fat and dieting and working out, when actually, he was emaciated and erupting concern within his family.
again, i must reiterate that i am NOT anorexic, bulimic or anything else you can put a label on. i just have a terrible issue with self-image.
i just don't understand. i don't get why i have such an issue. why i can't look at myself and see that i have made a lot of progress, rather than hate the fact that i haven't made MORE progress.
i know weight loss and body image are a huge issue with the bulk of the world's population, but i just can't shake this feeling. these thoughts that i am still too fat and hideous. i go through "ugly phases" where i just hate my face and body and everything, which i just don't know how to stop.
how do you stop feeling like this? what can i do to make myself love myself more?
i have been on a bit of a mission to purge the hideous things from my life. Origami, bad attitudes and awful people. i've been successful and feeling generally better about most things, on a slow incline...
the only thing i can't seem to find the ability to stop feeling terrible about constantly is my weight.
i still, today, find myself to be incredibly insecure with my body image.
now, this isn't a cry for help or a blog stating i have any sort of eating disorder, but more a way for me to explain what's happening in my head with regard to my body, weight and general appearance.
like, i can SEE that i've lost a lot of weight. i know that. i peruse old photos of myself starting from when Christopher and i split up and can honestly tell that i have had a drastic change happen to me.
obviously, i know this from more than photos. i know this from the endless streams of comments and emails i get from people saying that they can't believe how thin i am and that they are worried that i'm not eating and that i have lost so much weight... i get it. i HAVE lost weight. the evidence is right up there and also in front of me every time i step on my scales and see i've lost a little bit more weight (something i do three times a day, after learning that from Christopher. i weigh myself in the morning, afternoon and before bed and average the totals. obsessive? i think so!)
the day Christopher and i split up i weight sixteen and-a-half stone (231 lbs) and now, today, i weigh twelve and-a-half stone(177 lbs). it is very clear that i've lost 54 lbs, i get that, but a lot of the time, i still look at myself and photos that are taken and am shocked by what i see. by how much weight i still hold on to.
when Christopher and i split up i didn't eat. i was depressed and went two weeks living exclusively on water and fags. that's it. so i very quickly lost a stone (14lbs). since then, i just can't find the ability to eat very much in one sitting. the only time i really ever eat very much is when i'm with janey (and that's purely because that's all we EVER really did together, apart from drink, a lot). i am the source of constant jokes from Muffin, saying he can't take me anywhere because i just don't finish eating anything, ever.
i FEEL hungry almost all the time, but typically, the instant i start to prepare food or that food is in front of me, i tend to feel ill and not at all ready to nosh. that lack of desire to eat has nothing to do with my weight, but more... i just don't know. like, i don't see food and immediately feel guilty or want to purge. i just don't feel hungry and typically feel ill when food's put in front of me.
it's a waste of a meal when i cook most nights because if i have eating anything, any tiny, little thing at all to eat during the day, there is no way i will be able to eat more than like, five bites of whatever i serve up for Muffin and myself. it's embarrassing and not at all nice for me.
despite this lack of eating, i just do not seem to be shifting any visible weight. i AM losing weight, but nothing that you can tell. i look in the mirror every day and my bum is just as enormous, along with my hips, thighs and tum.
i didn't really click that i had a real kind of weight issue until last week. i was out having a fag whilst picking the mail out of the postbox when i caught my visage in the front window of the house. i saw that i am actually quite a lot thinner than i usually see. i sat and thought for a moment about a conversation Muffin and i had had a day or two prior. a conversation that saw me complaining again about my weight and saw Muffin poking a little fun in reference to an episode of American Dad we had watched recently that focused on Stan having anorexia and seeing himself as physically fat and dieting and working out, when actually, he was emaciated and erupting concern within his family.
again, i must reiterate that i am NOT anorexic, bulimic or anything else you can put a label on. i just have a terrible issue with self-image.
i just don't understand. i don't get why i have such an issue. why i can't look at myself and see that i have made a lot of progress, rather than hate the fact that i haven't made MORE progress.
i know weight loss and body image are a huge issue with the bulk of the world's population, but i just can't shake this feeling. these thoughts that i am still too fat and hideous. i go through "ugly phases" where i just hate my face and body and everything, which i just don't know how to stop.
how do you stop feeling like this? what can i do to make myself love myself more?
Day 15 - A photo of you at the last party you went to.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Day 13 - A photo of one of your favorite family members.
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Day 12 - A photo of you and your best friend(s).
photo tuesday, it seems.
well, i was just going to cop out and do an incredibly lazy blog, but i decided whilst sat outside having my morning fag about ten minutes ago that i just can't. it's been a week of hearting a lot of things. some more than others, and some much, MUCH more than others, but hearting still.
sparrows... by far my favourite thing about sparrows, and most other tiny birds are their legs. i am constantly enchanted by the fact that they are so little, like toothpicks. i find it fascinating to see something so, so minuscule carrying bodies much larger than them.
my blog... firstly because i like to write and vent, but secondly because it allows me a place to say the things i need to say for people to read and digest in their own time. it's a special place for me to open up and allow people to process whatever they need to and get whatever they can or want to out of it.
dr pepper
del taco
fresh sheets
my handwriting... sometimes... very, VERY occasionally.
unnecessarily american things... stemming from my time in england, my eyes were opened to how stupidly american some people can be over here. it was in the six years i was there that i realized just how silly americans are how out of control they can be about being just as super american as they very possibly can be. it's because of this that i find it to be fairly delightful when i find little ridiculous things that remind me, like the little wet-wipe that i found in a package of candy floss on friday night. it sends me into fits of laughter and i love, especially that Muffin laughs at these things with me.
freshly painted nails
Quarter Pounders
George, the Mohawk Warrior... phwoar! i fell in love with his truck first, after seeing it and hearing the announcement that his truck was the owner of the "world's largest mohawk." there is just something about mohawks that still get my little gears rumbling even after all these years. so when he got out of his truck after performing some bitchin' moves and winning a race or two i began squealing and clutching onto Muffin, announcing that THAT was going to be my new future ex-husband. he was just beautiful and pranced all over the arena, harassing all the tractor drivers and friends. he is a beautiful man and i am pleased i got to see him, if only for the short couple of hours i did. i love you George, wherever you are.
pink lemonade
back scratches
getting a haircut
Beth... there are special people in my life, people i have never met or that i didn't even know existed until like, last week. my new sister's mum, Beth added me on facebook last week and has been a beautiful source of support and kind words since then. she added me with the note that she would offer me any information i wanted about my father if i wished. i haven't really gotten to that, because i'm still in the process of getting used to having OMGMOREFAMILY, but it's just nice to have someone there who is just so kind and uplifting.
crocheting
Safeway cupcake icing... just shut up, okay. saturday Muffin and i were prancing around safeway, in search of something that i just cannot seem to find, that will fill this tiny hungry void in my belly when i found the cupcake section. now, as a defined "cupcake nazi," i don't tend to eat anyone else's cupcakes, store bought or otherwise. the only reason i might delve into this foreign and forbidden territory is if i am doing it for "research purposes." my research was put on halt when i found the cakes at safeway. i saw them and remembered so, so fondly, the years i spent as a child eating cupcakes from safeway and adoring them. i would buy a pack of six and eat them all by the end of the day, sharing only small morsels with my dog. saturday was my opportunity to participate in a re-kindling of that love affair. the cake was goddamn disgusting, but the icing.... oh my LORD the icing. it's my new bff, for it was the perfect flavour and also, appeared to have been piped on to look like a particularly flappy vagina (i'm aware it was meant to be a rose, but i remain firm in my belief that it WAS a vagina, so shut up.)
hearing Muffin come home... yes, because you CAN hear him and i love that. his car and planning a suggestive or fun way to greet him every day.
fucking hot showers
showering with Muffin... which is hot in it's own right, but not in the temperature way.
the way the dog photobombs... bwee!! he's too cutesy for me to not mention his stupid face and the way he bombs any and all photos he possibly can with his little, ridiculous face.
our bedroom
Kiepert... just a beautiful, wonderful, little squishy man. he's one of Muffin's soldiers and i heart his tiny face. he cuddles me everytime i see him and always loves to talk about crafts and baking, which i adore.
Roger from American Dad
synthesizers
Eternal Sunshine... for many reasons. it's a beautiful film, which comes first and foremost. the other thing i love about that film is something that has been there since the first time i watched it, which isn't too often, due to the emotions it likes to conjure up. i first saw this film after Muffin broke my heart one of the many times he did. i saw it and immediately wished that i could do that... wished i could erase him and not have to deal with all the crap that i do... since then, i watch it and imagine who i could erase (it's typically anyone who i am hurting for a particular amount at that given time) and what i would have to get rid of to do that. what things i would offer them to erase all the memories that i have of certain people. more often than not, i know an ultimate erasing of the big ones just couldn't happen because you just can't erase smells or films from your life completely, but it's nice to imagine sometimes.
starting up a new diary
good dreams... because most of my dreams are horrific. i love it when i wake in the morning without a fuzzy head, wet face and tense muscles. my bad dreams are mostly about Origami, my mum, Pow, Molly or Muffin recently, but occasionally, i dream about beautiful things and those dreams are special to me. so, so special.
Lou Reed
ravioli
squids
laundry detergent
MONSTER JAM! PHWOAR!!!
sparrows... by far my favourite thing about sparrows, and most other tiny birds are their legs. i am constantly enchanted by the fact that they are so little, like toothpicks. i find it fascinating to see something so, so minuscule carrying bodies much larger than them.
my blog... firstly because i like to write and vent, but secondly because it allows me a place to say the things i need to say for people to read and digest in their own time. it's a special place for me to open up and allow people to process whatever they need to and get whatever they can or want to out of it.
dr pepper
del taco
fresh sheets
my handwriting... sometimes... very, VERY occasionally.
freshly painted nails
Quarter Pounders
pink lemonade
back scratches
getting a haircut
Beth... there are special people in my life, people i have never met or that i didn't even know existed until like, last week. my new sister's mum, Beth added me on facebook last week and has been a beautiful source of support and kind words since then. she added me with the note that she would offer me any information i wanted about my father if i wished. i haven't really gotten to that, because i'm still in the process of getting used to having OMGMOREFAMILY, but it's just nice to have someone there who is just so kind and uplifting.
crocheting
Safeway cupcake icing... just shut up, okay. saturday Muffin and i were prancing around safeway, in search of something that i just cannot seem to find, that will fill this tiny hungry void in my belly when i found the cupcake section. now, as a defined "cupcake nazi," i don't tend to eat anyone else's cupcakes, store bought or otherwise. the only reason i might delve into this foreign and forbidden territory is if i am doing it for "research purposes." my research was put on halt when i found the cakes at safeway. i saw them and remembered so, so fondly, the years i spent as a child eating cupcakes from safeway and adoring them. i would buy a pack of six and eat them all by the end of the day, sharing only small morsels with my dog. saturday was my opportunity to participate in a re-kindling of that love affair. the cake was goddamn disgusting, but the icing.... oh my LORD the icing. it's my new bff, for it was the perfect flavour and also, appeared to have been piped on to look like a particularly flappy vagina (i'm aware it was meant to be a rose, but i remain firm in my belief that it WAS a vagina, so shut up.)hearing Muffin come home... yes, because you CAN hear him and i love that. his car and planning a suggestive or fun way to greet him every day.
fucking hot showers
showering with Muffin... which is hot in it's own right, but not in the temperature way.
our bedroom
Kiepert... just a beautiful, wonderful, little squishy man. he's one of Muffin's soldiers and i heart his tiny face. he cuddles me everytime i see him and always loves to talk about crafts and baking, which i adore.
Roger from American Dad
synthesizers
Eternal Sunshine... for many reasons. it's a beautiful film, which comes first and foremost. the other thing i love about that film is something that has been there since the first time i watched it, which isn't too often, due to the emotions it likes to conjure up. i first saw this film after Muffin broke my heart one of the many times he did. i saw it and immediately wished that i could do that... wished i could erase him and not have to deal with all the crap that i do... since then, i watch it and imagine who i could erase (it's typically anyone who i am hurting for a particular amount at that given time) and what i would have to get rid of to do that. what things i would offer them to erase all the memories that i have of certain people. more often than not, i know an ultimate erasing of the big ones just couldn't happen because you just can't erase smells or films from your life completely, but it's nice to imagine sometimes.
starting up a new diary
good dreams... because most of my dreams are horrific. i love it when i wake in the morning without a fuzzy head, wet face and tense muscles. my bad dreams are mostly about Origami, my mum, Pow, Molly or Muffin recently, but occasionally, i dream about beautiful things and those dreams are special to me. so, so special.
Lou Reed
ravioli
squids
laundry detergent
MONSTER JAM! PHWOAR!!!
Monday, 17 January 2011
Sunday, 16 January 2011
Day 10 - A photo of your favorite film(s).
right now, my gut reaction for my favourite film is Children of Men. a goddamn excellent film AND book.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
he couldn't wait...
laying in bed most of the last week or so has supplied me with some overly dramatic thoughts. ones that i refuse to act on in any sort of emotional manner, but ones that are causing me a great deal of distress overall.
i spend the early hours of most mornings with the left side of my face squished on my pillow with thoughts racing through my mind. thoughts that drive me flipping crazy overall. thoughts that i just can't seem to shake no matter how hard i try. they just prey on me like i'm a tiny injured animal who can't escape and no matter how many sleeping pills i take, they just will not go away. they just push through any sleepy haze i might be in and destroy any kind of respite i might be attempting to achieve. i only seem able to sleep during the days now, after Muffin's left for work, and even that sleep tends to be horrific and filled with dreams that i would rather not have to have (ones that feature Pow being nice to me and us reconciling, which hurts more than anything else, because i then have to wake up knowing that he still hates me and that is just something i hate to deal with. those, they are my worst nightmares right now)
they all culminated into too much for me some night last week when Muffin finally decided to come to bed after yet another five hour Black Ops spree (this seems to be his new, mostly-favourite thing to do, stay up until late, late hours and play Black Ops until i can't stay awake any longer, so i sleep). i was laid in bed attempting to sleep but not succeeding.
he came in and i was silent. i maintained my stone-wall demeanor and listened to the B-52's tell me about the rock lobster until he rustled around loudly, let out a sigh and asked me what i was thinking.
i said i wasn't thinking anything, which he instantly knew was a lie, as he has met me before and anyone who's ever met me knows that i am CONSTANTLY thinking about pretty much everything all the time.
my thinking has traveled between so many different planes of thought over the last, let's says ten days, that i just... i can't seem to get a grip on myself and what's happening in my head. i don't know what my mind is trying to do to me.
like, initially, it started out with my head tormenting me, advising me that Muffin must not love me if he is willing to spend as much time as he does wrapping himself up in computer games, website design and hiding emails from me. my brain was constantly telling me that there is no way that anyone could ever actually care about someone and then try to find as many distractions as he does just to spend time NOT with me. i became unsettled, moody and down. i cried, wrote, talked to janeyface and didn't talk to him.
THAT thinking then developed into me attempting to rationalize what he was doing, but left me completely unable to. i just found myself hurt because every single day that i am with him, i feel glee and pleased to be with him after all this time. i feel thankful for each moment that i get to spend with him, every morning his face is pressed against mine when i wake up, every night i fall asleep as the little spoon and every single tiny millisecond in between. i could happily still just sit with him and not have any other distractions but our own bodies and voices. there's still so much i want to learn about him and us.
he just seems to feel nothing. he doesn't seem to share the same excitement and overall enthusiasm that i do in our finally being together. he doesn't seem to have any interest in learning about me or doing things with me unless they directly benefit him.
we get up, i make him breakfast and lunch, he leaves for work and i tidy, cook, etc until he comes home, at which time i will shower him with kisses and love. most times the shower is brushed off for the meal i cooked and computer games. i tend to remain steadfast and sit beside him whilst he plays, hoping that he will pay attention to me and want to talk about stuff. after a few hours i typically lose interest and prance off into the bedroom in a flurry of kisses and snuggles, hoping to lure him away, but with no luck. the pillows and i cuddle alone for sometimes up to two hours before he even realizes i'm gone and comes to bed.
when i broach this or most other subjects with him he never has anything to say. he stares at me and then ignores it, which tends to leave me feeling rejected, ignored and generally like he doesn't care.
now, last night, my thinking took a sudden and more hurtful turn.
after talking about our future a couple of nights ago i realized that it will be a goddamn long time until we progress any further than "going steady" or whatever it is we're doing. this wouldn't have upset me or preyed on me so much, had we not been planning things for a long time. things that would finally make everything in the world exactly what we, or at least i, had always wanted.
that conversation harassed me for several days and then last night my mind kinda freaked out and realized that he couldn't WAIT to marry his other wives. he got those rings on their fingers as quickly as he could but with me, no. he wants to wait. he wants to do this magical thing that he calls "right." this thing that he thinks will just make everything so completely different than the things he had before.
why can't he see that the things we have, the things i give him, are substantially greater than the things he's had before?
or are they not? am i no better? just some filler until he realizes that i'm not what he wants?
i have no idea. this is rambly and painful and i needed to get these things out of my head. i just want to feel like he's actually committed to me after all these years. that i am actually the one he plans to stick with. i have no certainties right now, and to be honest, i don't really feel that i deserve them. i just feel like right now, i'd like to talk, and be given a chance, which seems beyond us.
blargh.
i spend the early hours of most mornings with the left side of my face squished on my pillow with thoughts racing through my mind. thoughts that drive me flipping crazy overall. thoughts that i just can't seem to shake no matter how hard i try. they just prey on me like i'm a tiny injured animal who can't escape and no matter how many sleeping pills i take, they just will not go away. they just push through any sleepy haze i might be in and destroy any kind of respite i might be attempting to achieve. i only seem able to sleep during the days now, after Muffin's left for work, and even that sleep tends to be horrific and filled with dreams that i would rather not have to have (ones that feature Pow being nice to me and us reconciling, which hurts more than anything else, because i then have to wake up knowing that he still hates me and that is just something i hate to deal with. those, they are my worst nightmares right now)
they all culminated into too much for me some night last week when Muffin finally decided to come to bed after yet another five hour Black Ops spree (this seems to be his new, mostly-favourite thing to do, stay up until late, late hours and play Black Ops until i can't stay awake any longer, so i sleep). i was laid in bed attempting to sleep but not succeeding.
he came in and i was silent. i maintained my stone-wall demeanor and listened to the B-52's tell me about the rock lobster until he rustled around loudly, let out a sigh and asked me what i was thinking.
i said i wasn't thinking anything, which he instantly knew was a lie, as he has met me before and anyone who's ever met me knows that i am CONSTANTLY thinking about pretty much everything all the time.
my thinking has traveled between so many different planes of thought over the last, let's says ten days, that i just... i can't seem to get a grip on myself and what's happening in my head. i don't know what my mind is trying to do to me.
like, initially, it started out with my head tormenting me, advising me that Muffin must not love me if he is willing to spend as much time as he does wrapping himself up in computer games, website design and hiding emails from me. my brain was constantly telling me that there is no way that anyone could ever actually care about someone and then try to find as many distractions as he does just to spend time NOT with me. i became unsettled, moody and down. i cried, wrote, talked to janeyface and didn't talk to him.
THAT thinking then developed into me attempting to rationalize what he was doing, but left me completely unable to. i just found myself hurt because every single day that i am with him, i feel glee and pleased to be with him after all this time. i feel thankful for each moment that i get to spend with him, every morning his face is pressed against mine when i wake up, every night i fall asleep as the little spoon and every single tiny millisecond in between. i could happily still just sit with him and not have any other distractions but our own bodies and voices. there's still so much i want to learn about him and us.
he just seems to feel nothing. he doesn't seem to share the same excitement and overall enthusiasm that i do in our finally being together. he doesn't seem to have any interest in learning about me or doing things with me unless they directly benefit him.
we get up, i make him breakfast and lunch, he leaves for work and i tidy, cook, etc until he comes home, at which time i will shower him with kisses and love. most times the shower is brushed off for the meal i cooked and computer games. i tend to remain steadfast and sit beside him whilst he plays, hoping that he will pay attention to me and want to talk about stuff. after a few hours i typically lose interest and prance off into the bedroom in a flurry of kisses and snuggles, hoping to lure him away, but with no luck. the pillows and i cuddle alone for sometimes up to two hours before he even realizes i'm gone and comes to bed.
when i broach this or most other subjects with him he never has anything to say. he stares at me and then ignores it, which tends to leave me feeling rejected, ignored and generally like he doesn't care.
now, last night, my thinking took a sudden and more hurtful turn.
after talking about our future a couple of nights ago i realized that it will be a goddamn long time until we progress any further than "going steady" or whatever it is we're doing. this wouldn't have upset me or preyed on me so much, had we not been planning things for a long time. things that would finally make everything in the world exactly what we, or at least i, had always wanted.
that conversation harassed me for several days and then last night my mind kinda freaked out and realized that he couldn't WAIT to marry his other wives. he got those rings on their fingers as quickly as he could but with me, no. he wants to wait. he wants to do this magical thing that he calls "right." this thing that he thinks will just make everything so completely different than the things he had before.
why can't he see that the things we have, the things i give him, are substantially greater than the things he's had before?
or are they not? am i no better? just some filler until he realizes that i'm not what he wants?
i have no idea. this is rambly and painful and i needed to get these things out of my head. i just want to feel like he's actually committed to me after all these years. that i am actually the one he plans to stick with. i have no certainties right now, and to be honest, i don't really feel that i deserve them. i just feel like right now, i'd like to talk, and be given a chance, which seems beyond us.
blargh.
Friday, 14 January 2011
Day 8 - A photo of your family.
my family from 2005. the last time we were all together. this is all that remains. grandparents and sisters.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Day 7 - A photo of your favorite band/musician.
today my favourite band is Mumford and Sons. i can't seem to stop listening to them.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
things that i heart...
the last seven days have been fairly horrific and emotional for me. my womb has been playing very rough with my insides since thursday (the reason, i'm guessing, is because i've been taking iron tablets. i can only imagine that my little typically anemic body is not used to having to pass more substantial blood clots), so i've been a wreck that was more or less left in an inconsolable heap of weeping and misery the entirety of the weekend, only to come out of THAT funk to be fabulously sassy and nit-picky about everything i possibly can.
so, it's been nice in the honeybun/muffin household. very nice and not at all full of grouchy and snarky.
despite the wonderful things that i've been FEELING for the last week, i have still found it in me to make a list. a list of things that, even in the state of emotional red alert i've been in, i can still enjoy and put the estrogen aside long enough to write in my book.
so here you go:
push-up bras... it's no secret that my favourite thing about myself is my rack. i love it and when i find a bra that makes it look even better than usual i can't help but do a prancy little dance and show them off to Muffin. so much so that on our journey to Taco Bell last night for a late-night snack after a serious romp, i decided to see Muffin's proposal of going out with just a jacket on with my own version of going out with nothing but a bra and a scarf on. my rack looked magnificent and the gentleman at TB was suitably interested in our order when we pulled forward to the second window.
thick, wool socks
thermal tops... during the colder weather all i care about is wearing layers and making sure i wear the cutest layers possible. mostly, those layers are based with a sassy little thermal top and covered with a cutesy little tee shirt and then a button-up shirt and THEN a cardigan. my favourite of all those layers, without fail is the warm comfort of a thermal wonderland.
drawing vaginas... apparently, my newest obsession; or so my sketchbook says.
Dinner for Schmucks... good sweet jesus crisps! this film! THIS. FILM. if you have not had the chance to see it, for the sake of everything sacred in the world, please go get it and watch it. i was thoroughly impressed with the cast and the storyline and good GOD the taxidermy. an AMAZING film.
watching Muffin and Booger bond... i love my boys and i adore it when Muffin snuggles him and plays with him. it's adorable and makes my days magical.
french onion soup
Booger cuddles... i don't know if it's been the cold weather or what, but that dog has just been desperate to cuddle as close to me as possible as often as possible. he wants to be wherever i am, touching me and sleeping. most of my days are spent playing videogames or watching documentaries (obviously after all my chores have been done) with Booger nestled under my arm or under the blanket.
Katamari Forever... GOD i am spoiled and have the best boyface in the land. i've been complaining about needing this game for weeks now and Muffin has gone out of his way to stop in every shop he can find that sells video games to ask if they have it. it wasn't until saturday when we made a very random stop at a game store near walmart to see if they had something for him to use when he plays Black Ops (don't get me onto THAT topic) and whilst he found that they didn't have what he needed i found the golden ticket in the shape of a ps3 game box. i was caught up in a world of my own, imagining all the katamaris i would roll up when i heard Muffin mumble something to the clerk about Katamari Forever, to which i personally responded with a loud squeal and an over-enthusiastic bump into his shoulder. he immediately purchased it and now my days are consumed by cutesy asian funtimes.
painting my nails white
mittens
country music
Stephanie's new baby boy! oh SQUEE!! it doesn't seem to have been nine months, but my beautiful friend in georgia has finally had her little man, just this afternoon, no less. i wish her and bret all the best luck in the world with their new little bundle of baby!
my cupcake perfume
BIOSHOCK 2!
Arby's
seeing how excited Muffin gets when he sees a monster truck
The Postal Service
fried bread
PICKLES... literally, i CANNOT eat them often enough. i'm just sayin'.
LaDonna... my sister is my rock a lot of the time. she and i have forged such an amazingly beautiful relationship and it just makes me so grateful that i have her in my life. she's an incredible person.
also, i love these photos.
so, it's been nice in the honeybun/muffin household. very nice and not at all full of grouchy and snarky.
despite the wonderful things that i've been FEELING for the last week, i have still found it in me to make a list. a list of things that, even in the state of emotional red alert i've been in, i can still enjoy and put the estrogen aside long enough to write in my book.
so here you go:
push-up bras... it's no secret that my favourite thing about myself is my rack. i love it and when i find a bra that makes it look even better than usual i can't help but do a prancy little dance and show them off to Muffin. so much so that on our journey to Taco Bell last night for a late-night snack after a serious romp, i decided to see Muffin's proposal of going out with just a jacket on with my own version of going out with nothing but a bra and a scarf on. my rack looked magnificent and the gentleman at TB was suitably interested in our order when we pulled forward to the second window.
thick, wool socks
thermal tops... during the colder weather all i care about is wearing layers and making sure i wear the cutest layers possible. mostly, those layers are based with a sassy little thermal top and covered with a cutesy little tee shirt and then a button-up shirt and THEN a cardigan. my favourite of all those layers, without fail is the warm comfort of a thermal wonderland.
drawing vaginas... apparently, my newest obsession; or so my sketchbook says.
Dinner for Schmucks... good sweet jesus crisps! this film! THIS. FILM. if you have not had the chance to see it, for the sake of everything sacred in the world, please go get it and watch it. i was thoroughly impressed with the cast and the storyline and good GOD the taxidermy. an AMAZING film.
watching Muffin and Booger bond... i love my boys and i adore it when Muffin snuggles him and plays with him. it's adorable and makes my days magical.
french onion soup
Booger cuddles... i don't know if it's been the cold weather or what, but that dog has just been desperate to cuddle as close to me as possible as often as possible. he wants to be wherever i am, touching me and sleeping. most of my days are spent playing videogames or watching documentaries (obviously after all my chores have been done) with Booger nestled under my arm or under the blanket.
Katamari Forever... GOD i am spoiled and have the best boyface in the land. i've been complaining about needing this game for weeks now and Muffin has gone out of his way to stop in every shop he can find that sells video games to ask if they have it. it wasn't until saturday when we made a very random stop at a game store near walmart to see if they had something for him to use when he plays Black Ops (don't get me onto THAT topic) and whilst he found that they didn't have what he needed i found the golden ticket in the shape of a ps3 game box. i was caught up in a world of my own, imagining all the katamaris i would roll up when i heard Muffin mumble something to the clerk about Katamari Forever, to which i personally responded with a loud squeal and an over-enthusiastic bump into his shoulder. he immediately purchased it and now my days are consumed by cutesy asian funtimes.
painting my nails white
mittens
country music
Stephanie's new baby boy! oh SQUEE!! it doesn't seem to have been nine months, but my beautiful friend in georgia has finally had her little man, just this afternoon, no less. i wish her and bret all the best luck in the world with their new little bundle of baby!
my cupcake perfume
BIOSHOCK 2!
Arby's
seeing how excited Muffin gets when he sees a monster truck
The Postal Service
fried bread
PICKLES... literally, i CANNOT eat them often enough. i'm just sayin'.
LaDonna... my sister is my rock a lot of the time. she and i have forged such an amazingly beautiful relationship and it just makes me so grateful that i have her in my life. she's an incredible person.
also, i love these photos.
Day 5 - A photo that makes you laugh uncontrollably.
Monday, 10 January 2011
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Day 2 - A photo that makes you happy.
Friday, 7 January 2011
2011: the resolutions
i began the year with no real desire to actually lay out any kind of resolutions for myself, concerned that the uncertainty that i live my life with would hinder me from achieving anything that i would ever be able to set as a promise to myself, but over the last couple of days i have really been feeling like there are things that i want to do. maybe not promise i will absolutely do, but that i would like to try to do, without a fear of failure. i want to go forward with these small promises to myself with an open mind and know that if i don't achieve them, i don't have to be too terribly hard on myself, but really, just be happy that i at least tried.
so, with that in mind, i shall just get on with it. there's not many, but they are things i feel will benefit me greatly in the next year.
bake... i love baking and am feeling more and more lately that i am not THAT great at churning out confections. i don't know why, but i just feel so much like the things i make are very much less than adequate. i want to work on making the things i already know how to make better and learn to be less scared to try new recipes. i have countless books and magazines that are heaving with bookmarks and dog-ears and notes and i want to finally take action on all of those by way of endeavoring to bake something every week.
draw... i love to draw. i didn't know it until last year when i started scribbling on pieces of paper and notebooks. since moving from england i had nearly forgotten that i love to draw and resorted to contacting janey when i thought of something i really wanted to see drawn. it was only just the other day that i realized that i could totally draw. maybe not as well as her, but i can and i should give it a bit more of a shot. so i will!
craft... crocheting, embroidering, casting things in resin. i want to practice as many things crafty as possible.
work out... just to feel like i have some discipline and structure. i've lost that structure in the last few weeks and i need to get i back.
be more positive... i'm finding myself losing the excited little positive bubble that i typically live in. i mean, it's still there, but much smaller and infinitely harder to catch without it bursting. i need to remember to stop and remember all the good little things that are in the situations that could otherwise be seen as horrible.
have more compassion for myself... i'm severely struggling with my self esteem at the moment. i am terribly hard on myself and my personal sanity and relationship are suffering as a result. i need to be less hard on myself. i need to stop passing such harsh judgment over my actions and feelings. i'm allowed to feel and talk and be myself and should have to make myself feel terrible because it doesn't necessarily make everyone happy. sometimes the truth hurts and i need to learn to be more open to the possibility that the things i'm doing or subjecting myself to aren't always worth the pain.
write... letters. blogs. recipes. patterns. anything. i just need to write more.
take photos... today, just this morning i was inspired by this woman's story and the photos that have been discovered since her death. i want to take more photos of the little moments. the ones that i am terrified i might forget. i want to remember as many small things as possible, so i shall attempt to do so.
so, with that in mind, i shall just get on with it. there's not many, but they are things i feel will benefit me greatly in the next year.
bake... i love baking and am feeling more and more lately that i am not THAT great at churning out confections. i don't know why, but i just feel so much like the things i make are very much less than adequate. i want to work on making the things i already know how to make better and learn to be less scared to try new recipes. i have countless books and magazines that are heaving with bookmarks and dog-ears and notes and i want to finally take action on all of those by way of endeavoring to bake something every week.
draw... i love to draw. i didn't know it until last year when i started scribbling on pieces of paper and notebooks. since moving from england i had nearly forgotten that i love to draw and resorted to contacting janey when i thought of something i really wanted to see drawn. it was only just the other day that i realized that i could totally draw. maybe not as well as her, but i can and i should give it a bit more of a shot. so i will!
craft... crocheting, embroidering, casting things in resin. i want to practice as many things crafty as possible.
work out... just to feel like i have some discipline and structure. i've lost that structure in the last few weeks and i need to get i back.
be more positive... i'm finding myself losing the excited little positive bubble that i typically live in. i mean, it's still there, but much smaller and infinitely harder to catch without it bursting. i need to remember to stop and remember all the good little things that are in the situations that could otherwise be seen as horrible.
have more compassion for myself... i'm severely struggling with my self esteem at the moment. i am terribly hard on myself and my personal sanity and relationship are suffering as a result. i need to be less hard on myself. i need to stop passing such harsh judgment over my actions and feelings. i'm allowed to feel and talk and be myself and should have to make myself feel terrible because it doesn't necessarily make everyone happy. sometimes the truth hurts and i need to learn to be more open to the possibility that the things i'm doing or subjecting myself to aren't always worth the pain.
write... letters. blogs. recipes. patterns. anything. i just need to write more.
take photos... today, just this morning i was inspired by this woman's story and the photos that have been discovered since her death. i want to take more photos of the little moments. the ones that i am terrified i might forget. i want to remember as many small things as possible, so i shall attempt to do so.
Day 1 - A photo of yourself from a year ago.
from exactly one year ago today... maybe even from right this minute. or within the hour.
twenty-nine days
seeing as i enjoyed the last photo project so much, i've been wanting to get on another one. luckily, i found this one and it seems only slightly more exciting than the last one. so here we go!
Day 1 - A photo of yourself from a year ago.
Day 2 - A photo that makes you happy.
Day 3 - A photo of the last place you went on holidays.
Day 4 - A photo of you without make-up
Day 5 - A photo that makes you laugh uncontrollably.
Day 6 - A photo of someone you love & miss.
Day 7 - A photo of your favorite band/musician.
Day 8 - A photo of your family.
Day 9 - A photo of you as a baby.Day 10 - A photo of your favorite film(s).
Day 11 - A photo of you and a pet.
Day 12 - A photo of you and your best friend(s).
Day 13 - A photo of one of your favorite family members.
Day 14 - A photo of you and someone you love.
Day 15 - A photo of you at the last party you went to.
Day 16 - A drunk photo of you.
Day 17 - A photo of one of your favorite books.
Day 18 - A photo of you at school.
Day 19 - A photo of something you enjoy doing.
Day 20 - A photo of you driving.
Day 21 - A photo of your town.
Day 22 - A photo of you and a friend at work.
Day 23 - A photo of you that your hair looks nice in.
Day 24 - A photo of a night you loved.
Day 25 - A photo of a special trip in last 6 months.
Day 26 - A photo of last summer.
Day 27 - A photo of what you ate today.
Day 28 - A photo of someone you find attractive.
Day 29 - A photo of you when you were happy.
Day 1 - A photo of yourself from a year ago.
Day 2 - A photo that makes you happy.
Day 3 - A photo of the last place you went on holidays.
Day 4 - A photo of you without make-up
Day 5 - A photo that makes you laugh uncontrollably.
Day 6 - A photo of someone you love & miss.
Day 7 - A photo of your favorite band/musician.
Day 8 - A photo of your family.
Day 9 - A photo of you as a baby.Day 10 - A photo of your favorite film(s).
Day 11 - A photo of you and a pet.
Day 12 - A photo of you and your best friend(s).
Day 13 - A photo of one of your favorite family members.
Day 14 - A photo of you and someone you love.
Day 15 - A photo of you at the last party you went to.
Day 16 - A drunk photo of you.
Day 17 - A photo of one of your favorite books.
Day 18 - A photo of you at school.
Day 19 - A photo of something you enjoy doing.
Day 20 - A photo of you driving.
Day 21 - A photo of your town.
Day 22 - A photo of you and a friend at work.
Day 23 - A photo of you that your hair looks nice in.
Day 24 - A photo of a night you loved.
Day 25 - A photo of a special trip in last 6 months.
Day 26 - A photo of last summer.
Day 27 - A photo of what you ate today.
Day 28 - A photo of someone you find attractive.
Day 29 - A photo of you when you were happy.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
tuesday, 2011
so, the first one of 2011.
i am taking a break from prancing with the dog, cuddling boyface, cooking and tidying to sit and reflect on the last week with a smiling face.
the last week has been a beautiful collection of moments, things and emotions that i love and am very thankful for. very, drastically different from my first week in 2010, but still just as magical. i can pretty much say "so far, so good" with an honest and open mind.
so, without further ado, my first list of 2011...
having my toes licked by the dog
re-arranging the house
picking my nose
Henry Rollins
Dustin Hoffman
when Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman are in a film together
Muffin's nightguard... for much of our time together my lack of sleep has come primarily from the fact that he grinds his goddamn teeth like he's trying to end world hunger or something (which, in retrospect, after having typed that, i realize that makes no sense... who cares? i don't want to think up another metaphor). only after much, MUCH nagging and many suggestions at the recommendation of my sister, did he finally go to the dentist to get a mold done of his teeth and therefore get a nightguard. since he's had it my nights are less interrupted (in that i sleep at least an extra hour each night, which previously was spent listening to him grind and grabbing his face until he stopped). it's nice, and i heart it.
when someone comes in from outdoors and smells like the crisp, fresh air
femme fatale films
when you can see the boom in the shot
watching Muffin create his website... NOT to be confused with me hearting the fact that he is making one, as THAT is a sore point in our lives and i don't like discussing it. the actual hearting comes from the fact that i just enjoy seeing his little face light up when he makes a really good page or gets some part of the HTML right.
my super-long scarf... 2x the length of me, BOO-YA!
Drew Barrymore
Intervention... my actual drug of choice now. Muffin mistakenly showed it to me on New Year's Eve and now i'm done for. soon i will need an Intervention intervention. but only if Jeff will head it for me.
Jeff Van Vonderen
Canada
whipping cream
armadillos
maple syrup
my slow cooker
pretty dresses
drawing vaginas
coal pencils
messy art
i am taking a break from prancing with the dog, cuddling boyface, cooking and tidying to sit and reflect on the last week with a smiling face.
the last week has been a beautiful collection of moments, things and emotions that i love and am very thankful for. very, drastically different from my first week in 2010, but still just as magical. i can pretty much say "so far, so good" with an honest and open mind.
so, without further ado, my first list of 2011...
having my toes licked by the dog
re-arranging the house
picking my nose
Henry Rollins
Dustin Hoffman
when Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman are in a film together
Muffin's nightguard... for much of our time together my lack of sleep has come primarily from the fact that he grinds his goddamn teeth like he's trying to end world hunger or something (which, in retrospect, after having typed that, i realize that makes no sense... who cares? i don't want to think up another metaphor). only after much, MUCH nagging and many suggestions at the recommendation of my sister, did he finally go to the dentist to get a mold done of his teeth and therefore get a nightguard. since he's had it my nights are less interrupted (in that i sleep at least an extra hour each night, which previously was spent listening to him grind and grabbing his face until he stopped). it's nice, and i heart it.
when someone comes in from outdoors and smells like the crisp, fresh air
femme fatale films
when you can see the boom in the shot
watching Muffin create his website... NOT to be confused with me hearting the fact that he is making one, as THAT is a sore point in our lives and i don't like discussing it. the actual hearting comes from the fact that i just enjoy seeing his little face light up when he makes a really good page or gets some part of the HTML right.
my super-long scarf... 2x the length of me, BOO-YA!
Drew Barrymore
Intervention... my actual drug of choice now. Muffin mistakenly showed it to me on New Year's Eve and now i'm done for. soon i will need an Intervention intervention. but only if Jeff will head it for me.
Jeff Van Vonderen
Canada
whipping cream
armadillos
maple syrup
my slow cooker
pretty dresses
drawing vaginas
coal pencils
messy art
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Monday, 3 January 2011
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
chickens. there is nothing in the entire world i am more terrified of than chickens. except maybe clowns. chickens with clown faces. that's a horrific image.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Saturday, 1 January 2011
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
