tuesday fings...

you know what i do every tuesday and i don't feel like a blurb about why i do it or how i'm feeling. it's early and i've a toothache.

just have a list:

Julianne Moore
film adverts with no talking
roasted ham
Sims 3
full-fat milk
washing my face
crayons
driving on the interstate
grits with butter and sugar on
talking to my sister
Full House
chicken burgers
Rachael Yamagata
not having to sleep alone at night
bratwurst
painting my nails
the sound of wind flying around the house
popping my neck
my nightguard
working out
planning meals
spaghetti
memories
Janeyface
how okay i've felt with all things Muffin for the last week-ish
Japanese gore
touching my hand to the radiator when i feel desperately cold
all my cupcake-scented bath products
cast iron cooking dishes
sexytime
how beautiful i've felt lately
super-strong pain killers (not the illegal kind, but the kind that actually work)
Michael Cera
Juno
Scott Pilgrim
Challis
nudity
feeling challenged

the end. have a beautiful week, please.

a bit of crappy crap

► Are you single? nope, happily taken by a beautiful boy.
► Are you happy? overall, yes. overall, i am as happy as i think i can be given my current circumstances. 
► Are you bored? not particularly. i guess a little... but not for the loss of things to do, because i have a shit-ton i could be doing.
► Are you sad? mmm... slightly? i have an overall blah feeling, but i reckon it's from the cold outside and the tired. i should really take a sleep.
► Are you Italian? nope.
► Are you German? nope.
► Are you Asian? i WISH!
► Are you angry? i don't have a single angry bone in my body at the moment.
► Are you Irish? nay.
► Are your parents still married? nah. they divorced a billion years ago.

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place? Cheyenne, Wyoming, USA.
► Hair Color? brown... completely natural.
► Hair Style? constantly out of control. i never know what's happening with it... since i had it shaved i just let it do it's own thing and that's just what it's doing. i heart it though, despite the stupid side-part it's developed all by itself.
► Eye color? i THINK they're green... green and fabulous. i heart my eyeballs.
► Birthday? november 14th.
► Mood? meh.
► Gender? girlier than a lot of girls (see: crocheting, baking, embroidering, sewing, cooking, weeing whilst sat, etc)
► Lefty or Righty? i'm all about the right hand, yo.
► Summer or Winter? i LOVE winter purely because the temperatures don't make me want to kill myself. i HATE being hot and i love snow, so months with an 'r' in them make me happiest.
► Morning or Afternoon? i am ALL about mornings. i am quite possibly the most annoying person EVER first thing in the morning, all bouncy and pleased.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love? with such an aching, burning in my chest that i MIGHT die.
► Do you believe in love at first sight? mmhmm... and i participate in this about thirty-six times a day with multiple people and items.
► Who ended your last relationship? hmmm, i said the actual words, but it was a mutual decision.
► Have you ever been hurt? of course i have.
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart? i have, yes. and i'm not proud.
► Are you friends with your ex? well, one of them, no. the last one, kinda? the final one, he's my... hrm.... boyface. 
► Are you afraid of commitment? i CAN be... i am slightly terrified of having to be as adult as is expected of me, but it's all a part of the thrill, yes?
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? just Muffin and Randy.
► Have you ever had a secret admirer? not that i am particularly aware of. i guess the Muffin used to stalk me and when we weren't talking... weirdo.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? oh yes... multiple times. i tend to be the worst for doing that.

TEN THIS OR THAT
► Love or Lust? love
► Lemonade or Iced tea? oh my GOD lemonade... american lemonade!
► Cats or Dogs? dogs!
► A few best friends or many regular friends? a few best.
► Television or Internet? internet.
► Pepsi or Coke? coke! yaycoke!
► Wild night out or romantic night in? well, it depends what company i'm in... i love both. right now i could do with a romantic night in though.
► Pink or Purple? oh my GOD i love pink. purple makes me want to kill myself most of the time.
► Day or Night? mostly day.
► IM or Phone? phone!

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? nope. never once (and i did that A LOT as a youth. thanks Muffin)
► Fallen off the stairs? well, not OFF, but i HAVE fallen DOWN some stairs once.
► White water rafted? no, but i quite fancy it.
► Finished an entire jawbreaker? oh yes! i recall it very clearly as well! i was quite young and it was just after the first flinstones movie came out... they had some giant jawbreakers come out with it and i got one. it took me MONTHS but i finished every single last bit of it.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? sigh. yes. i am living THAT dream pretty constantly.
► Prank called a store? ha! yes! i did that a LOT as a youth with jessica.
► Skipped School? oh yes, mostly during my summer of love with Muffin. i NEVER went to school. we just went from whatever bed we slept in to IHOP and back to bed again. what a glorious summer.
► Wanted to disappear? mmhmm... of course. everyone has those moments.


TEN LAST
► Last phone call? Muffin... he rang to say he was on his way home. weirdo.
► Last person you hung out with? aside from Muffin? Randy and Sarah, i think... on Thanksgiving. but i GUESS i did have a fag and a chat with Ben Jammin' the other night... does that count?
► Last person you hugged? Muffin. just as he was leaving from lunchies. i kept making him come back and hug me.
► Last person you IM'ed? Pow... ages ago. like, in september. i don't get on IM really anymore.
► Last thing you ate? Ramen with leftover ham, Thai sweet chili sauce and lemon pepper in... oh! and sesame oil. NOM. then a Swedish Fish.
► Last thing you drank? cola. 
► Last site you went to? the book of face.
► Last place you were? what? other than here? Muffin and i went driving for a couple of hours yesterday and we went through Puyallup and Lacey and then we went on post for din dins.

RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship? i guess... yeah. unless we're on post or at wal-mart, in which case i have to be a secret.
► Do you want to be? yeah. i'd like it if things could be more firm and we didn't have to hide but meh...
► When was your last relationship? well, it officially ended on September 18th 2009. 
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? oh yes... the muffin, big time. but this love's not reserved to love-interests. i love janey and pow more than anything else in the world as well.
► Do you still love them? i love them very much, yes.
► Do you like someone right now? SQUEE, yes!

FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along? yeah, more or less. my sisters and i speak regularly and we have a good laugh. i am the apple of my grandparent's eyes and... well, i love my family and they love me.
► Would you say you have a "fucked up life"? not even a little tiny bit. i have a more perfect life than i could have ever imagined possible.
► Have you ever run away from home? nope, and never had the inclination to either.
► If so, how long? x
► Have you ever gotten kicked out? nope.
► If so, how long? x

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends? nope, i don't hate anybody.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends? pretty much, yes. obviously, there are a few really lame ones, but overall, my friends are all amazing and i love them for their own special reasons.
► Do you trust all your friends? i trust people that AREN'T my friends. i trust everyone.
► Who are/is your best friend(s)? janeyface, Muffin and ashley. my three most favourites in the world.
► Would you die for them? well... hrm. that's a hard one. maybe?
► Who knows everything about you? pow pow, janey ashley and Muffin. they are the three who know the most ever in the world about me. i guess Muffin knows the most though.

needs vs. wants...

always an epic struggle.

always something people are getting mixed up.

always, constantly something i am personally getting mixed up.

i noticed it more these last few days than i have done before. i've found myself WANTING things but feeling like i NEED them. like i DESERVE them, which is a completely different topic.

like, i know that despite the fact that i WANT Muffin to give me a shag at least once a day, every day, i don't NEED it... it would clearly have it's health benefits, which is how i attempt to justify myself to him when i do that special little sexytime dance that i do before attempting to lure him into my lady trap. i usually ensnare him, but the times i don't, i lie there, listening to him snore, hating him secretly and briefly for not giving into one of my NEEDS that would CLEARLY be beneficial to both of us. i lie there and plot how i will make him feel terrible for missing out on such a magical event... how i will wait it out until HE comes to ME... now, clearly, this is me getting into some other relationship issues that really, aren't even an issue. our bed gets lots of action, but i am terrified of the day that i will fall out of love with sex again, like i did with Christopher. it happened with him and i've no idea how, but i worry a lapse in a day would accelerate that process that i really, absolutely do not want to even begin. so sex, that's a want... not a need. i've rationalized that now and i've come to terms with it.

other things... things i spend my days feeling like i NEED and DESERVE because of the things that i do... i feel like because i do all these things around the house, the tidying, cooking, food shopping, taking care of the dog, i should get presents... like i need positive reinforcement, which in some ways, i guess i do. i am still very much like a child in that i NEED that positive reinforcement to make me want to continue doing the things i do... and all i really ask for in return are fags or colas or other misc things... not big things, but just things, presents, like the stars you would get on your chart in primary school for doing a good job. it's a problem i've had since forever. i've always felt like i DESERVED to have special treats for being a good girl and getting things done... it works in some cases and i feel like for this, it's a bit of a toss up. like, i don't NEED colas or cast iron pots or computer games, but they sure to help me feel like i've done something good enough to deserve it so i should most likely keep doing it... so perhaps that's a difficult one.

i've been thinking today about all the things though, the things that i actually NEED.

this thinking comes after many hissy fits and guilt trips that i am not proud of that have born me many gifts that perhaps i didn't deserve.

this thinking comes after a Thanksgiving where i have seen people with less than me who were seemingly okay.

at the end of all the thinking, all i could come up with came to me at 1648 as i laid in bed with Muffin before he had to get up for his shift. i was laid there imagining what my life would be like without him... without days like today. today has been an amazingly magical day that has filled the house with lots of laughter and music. it's a day that's made all the other bad days disappear.

i was laid there, watching his sleepytime face as Juno McGuff gave birth on the screen behind me, watching his face and realizing that him, the beautiful thing that he and i have, that's all i actually NEED. he makes everything bad go away. he makes everything feel so beautifully okay and i don't know that i will ever find someone that makes things feel as perfect as he does. even our worst days aren't as bad as some of the merely okay days that i had with Christopher.

he's brought something incredibly special out in me and i need him. i need to make everything with myself and him right so that this, us, we can work even more perfectly together than we already do.

so, Muffin, i heart you, and i know you're reading this... just know that you, you're all i need. i need you and i need your love.

thank you.

on the giving of thanks...

yeah, obligatory, but still happening, so fuck off if you aren't interested. it's gonna take a lot for this little lady to find things she's thankful for... wait, no it isn't. i'm always on the hunt for things i love and am thankful for. constantly. even in the darkness, i am able to feel my way around to find something beautiful to be thankful for.

this day last year i was with Pow. it was a difficult holiday for both of us because the news of my leaving was still a fresh wound and he was going through a lot of his own mental things... i had split up with Christopher a mere two months prior and that was still crippling for me. despite that, i still found it in me to whip up a cheesecake and make it the best holiday i could with my best friend.

now, 9,000 miles and a year away from that place, i am forced to completely re-evaluate the things i am thankful for... the things that make my days worth having. the hard days have become harder and the easy days, when they come, have become easier, and i  have evolved into a completely different person to the one that knocked on Pow's door with a massive confection in hand to celebrate an american holiday so she didn't have to be alone.

today, this morning, i am giving thanks alone. Muffin's working a twenty-four hour shift starting now, so he left this morning in a flurry of love, snuggles and lists of things he's thankful for. Sarah and Randy will be prancing over in a few hours for cookingfuntimes, but until then, i have been gifted the time to sit, reflect and list the things i am thankful for during this season that i could go all emo on if i wanted to (in a nutshell, Muffin, obviously, is working THIS holiday and will be in california for all of christmas, which means danie will be a lonely holiday celebrator this year).

so please, see a list of the things i am thankful for... the things i really love and the things that make my life what it is.

Ashley... because for any day that i show any slight sign of emo, she is there, emailing, texting or doing whatever she can to make my days easier... to remind me who i am when i'm not sad. to remind me that things are okay and that i am doing what i am doing for a good cause, and that is for myself. she is ever my rock and always, constantly someone who i love and seems to love me despite oceans, state lines and hair colours. she's an incredible friend and i adore her.
Muffin... because he's overall the most perfectly wonderful thing in my life. he loves me so hard and even on days when i am trying to be aloof and sad, he does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and loved. he is uplifting, supportive and everything i could ever need in a partner and i am so, so thankful that i picked him and that he emailed me again just over a year ago.
Valium... because i can hardly sleep without it lately. it makes my nights easier.
LaDonna... because i love her. i love her more than i have ever loved most people. i've never told her and whilst i do plan to, i still do, in secret. her voice calms me and her support gives me strength.
smoking
the internet
Janey... she's just everything i could need in a best friend. i love her and have no idea how i would have left england without her support. she's incredible and beautiful and i am so thankful we're still so close despite any distance.
music
foodstamps... yeah, i'm not proud that i've got to be on them, but you know what? they've made our months easier. they've taken a huge stress off of us and i am so, so thankful that the state has deemed me worthy to receive their benefits.
Asian food markets... because they allow me to eat the things that make me happier and healthier and they make me remember the best times i had in england.
my memory... which is nearly perfect. i can recall things with the aid of almost anything and my memories are so, so beautiful that i fear i would die without them.
Pow... yeah, surprised? me too. i was out having a fag and realized that despite all the hideousness that has been ongoing between us for the last month, i could never, ever express how thankful i am for him and the things he did for me. the ways he helped me and the strength he gave me. he's a beautiful person and i wish him nothing but the absolute best.
Stephanie Smith... cat boobies.
Franny
Booger
Padgett
Leigh
Lee Lee
Challis
my senses
water
music




i guess that's all for now. i am sure there are several things i've left out and perhaps people that might be offended because they've not been included, but i am overwhelmed today, right now and should really just get on with cooking. i've pies to bake, eggnog to drink and cream to whip.

just, thank you, world, for letting another year pass with little harm. i am most thankful for that. i will spend the day with my head held as high as i can and move forward into the rest of the holiday seasons and next year with a hopeful heart and see what comes of that.

<3

12:50

i have a flight that i could get on at 12:50 today... a flight that will take me back to England, Franny, cider and the life that i knew as my own just over three months ago.

i could pack a quick bag and send for my stuff later.

jump on the plane and run as far away from the things here that have turned me into this ugly, stressed, depressed creature that i have done.

i could be back in england in twenty-four hours and have all MY things and hug all MY friends and not have to worry about anything else...

except i would worry.

i would worry about Muffin and where that would leave him. i'm not completely sure how it would actually leave him as he, like Pow, seems to find it easier to joke when actually, i'm being painfully serious. i asked him several times last night how he would cope if he came home today to find me gone with my key sat on the coffee table. he joked as he snuggled under the warmth the heavy stream of water the shower was spewing at us, said he would cry for ten minutes and then get over it, move on. part of that scares me, because i believe part of that to be true. after a bit more joking he had to abruptly get out of the shower because his emotions got the better of him. as we dried i asked him what was up, what he was thinking... he said that he didn't want to lose me and that he felt like he was already losing me.

i told him the same thing i always tell him when he says this... "then make sure you don't" that's all i can say. if he doesn't want to lose me, then he needs to be the person that i need, but only if that's the person HE wants to be. he says it is... but then nothing ever comes from it. he still ends up lying, forgetting and neglecting. i blame it on all the other stuff he's going through, but it doesn't make it hurt any less... which is one of the reasons that i am even THINKING about 12:50.

the loneliness.

i'm so tired of feeling lonely. even when he's home, laid next to me in bed, i'm lonely.

i would also worry about my father. this is not something i would be saying had i typed this blog at this time yesterday... this comes completely from a phone call that i had last night. at 18:29 i dialed his number, after not having spoken to him in nearly a year. it rang and a woman answered. i asked for my father. she said that she was on the other line and who was calling. i said it was his daughter. she paused and said, "well then this is your Aunt Monica."

wait.

i didn't know i had another aunt.

she got off the other line and when she came back on the line with me she said that she couldn't believe she was hearing my voice, that the last time she saw me she was changing my diaper. she spoke to me about the holidays and her children and her husband... she had me write down her number and said that i had to call her so we could catch up and then passed me on to my father.

suddenly, i had another aunt and cousins that i never knew about.

then my father. a person i've had more missed-connections with than i have with Muffin. so many times we've emailed or called and then stopped. like a car that works only sporadically, on days that are just the right temperature and humidity. the last time we spoke i was left with an incredible empty feeling, wondering why i had even bothered, because all he did was speak about himself and... that's not my point. my point is, i spoke to him again last night.

we spoke about jobs, his new house, my smoking, my photos (which, apparently, were the main source of entertainment for him and Monica the previous night, catching up on tiny danie) and at the end of it all he said to me, "you know, sweetheart, i'm a late-night person, so tonight, maybe i'll type you up a long email telling you some things about me and asking you some questions about you and maybe you can answer them so we can try to solidify this relationship?" he said it in the form of a question and sounded nervous. i said that of course, that would be really nice.

then i told him i loved him.

i've never, in the course of my entire memory, told him that i loved him, but last night, right then, i did. i loved him for what he was... a fragile man who had lost most of the people in his life but wanted to reach out to the only one of his children that was willing to speak to him.

i would worry that if i left at 12:50 i would miss out on something special... meeting and bonding with a man who has always been a mysterious shadow in my life. a man who has been painted a demon by all the maternal side of my family, but a man that still, despite many stories, i want to SEE.

mostly, i worry that despite all the hideous, terrible things i've been feeling and thinking lately, that i would miss out on something beautiful here. i feel like there is SOMETHING here that can be moulded into something incomprehensibly stunning. something that would change my life forever and i don't want to think that because i've had a few bad thoughts, i ran away from it. i worry that i would just be running away.

i don't want to run away. i want to stay steadfast. i want to be the person Muffin needs. i want to be the daughter my father needs and i want to be the ME that i need. every one of those reasons is why i want to stay... the glitter that seems to have covered the house since i've moved in. the smiles and laughs that Muffin emits when we cuddle and the hope that possibly, maybe, this might be the time that my father actually comes through and we can make a connection.

i want connections. i want a life. i want to live.

i think that's what i'll do.

live.

Tues...

list. that's all you get.


the way Booger rubs his face on the floor
remembering times when things didn't hurt so bad
old photos
applying for jobs
The Eels
a kind email from someone unexpected
smoking
Full House
how protected i feel in Muffin's arms
crocheting
vintage craft books
snow
my hair
my cupcake tattoos
Padgett
"The Go-Getter"
eggs
processing my feelings via tangible things
days when i feel secure in myself
cuddles with Booger
hoovering
Lindt chocolate
reading my old journals or blog entries
feta cheese
eggnog
The Postal Service
citrus scented things
Thai green curry
Paldo World
chocolate milk


meh

soooo... i missed tuesday, have a list!

just a quick one... things were a little shite yesterday and i just didn't have it in me to do a list, but the list for the week was a BLOODY good one, so please, have it:

touching animal ears... impossibly soft and wonderfully different, from the veins to the furs, i love them.
ashley wedding photos
tacky items
iced water
vintage clothes
doing crunches
pina coladas
laundry fresh out of the dryer
going in the back garden with the dog... i love watching him prance and run around like a tiny deer. our grass is slightly longer than it should be and he prances in a special way to stop it from rubbing too much on his belly and thus, tickling it, so i love going and chasing him around, making him prance.
how fast my hairs are growing
trashy markets
Asian markets
stop-animation films
coming into bed to find Muffin and Booger cuddling together after a perfect twenty-sixth birthday... a birthday blog is coming, but it is important to note how special it was to come into the bedroom after washing my face and having a bath to find the two of them lying on the bed looking so cutesy and polite and it just made my heart feel so, so huge because those are MY boys and i love them.
the night Muffin played guitar and sang all of my favourite songs to me... i had just stepped out of the bath on tuesday evening and was prancing to the bedroom to get into as many layers as possible when he lured me in with his big blue eyeballs and a song i was familiar with. for the next twenty minutes he sang to me with his lips as close to mine as possible and kissed me as often as possible. it was magical and still makes me glee when i think about it.
seeing old jack-o-lanterns on the side of the road after Halloween

i will never accept defeat, i will never quit...

wednesday night became the night that i officially learned how hard it is to be the significant other of someone in the ARMY.

wednesday night i made Muffin ring his commander back, which forced him back into work.

wednesday night i hated myself so much for having him ring his commander back that i drank half a bottle of rum, took a two-hour long bath with the music playing loudly and then spent the following three hours in between vomiting sessions.

today. i still want to die.

i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.

not all of it has to do with his job. a lot of it is me. like, 3/4 of it is me, my womb and my overactive imagination, but because of his schedule, i am forced to be home, alone, constantly during the day and in the evenings he is just too tired to have much to do with me beyond eating the meal i've cooked and lying in bed with the telly on until he falls asleep within half an hour.

i try to occupy myself. i work out. i jog. i play with the dog. i tidy. i cook. i bake.

none of it seems to offer me any sort of comfort or relief though. at the end of every single day, i still feel the same amount of lonely that i felt when i woke up. the kind of lonely that completely consumes you. the kind of lonely that is stripping me of any desire to continue the routines that i had built up for myself during the days. i've no desire to do the dishes anymore. the laundry only gets done every other day now. i just feel gross and don't want to do much more than smoke and sleep. constantly (but not at the same time, mind, as i am VERY health and safety conscious and am aware that smoking AND sleeping, whilst done in tandem do not mix well).

my bath wednesday night was a drunken release that i've long needed. each of the songs that swirled through the air gave me a different set of memories and images to mull over and pine after.

first was Give and Take by Broken Family Band. a song who's lyrics feel incredibly apt currently. i listened to it on repeat for twenty minutes... the lyrics taking me on an emotional rollercoaster, thinking of Christopher and the destruction of our relationship and thinking of the route my relationship with Muffin is taking now, which leads me to become terrified that i might be the girl described in the song.

second was hit or miss by New Found Glory, which was always OUR song... the song Muffin and i would listen to on repeat until the CD skipped from overuse. i remembered the way we used to sing it and the night, two weeks ago that it came on whilst we were in bed... the way he looked at me and the way he held me as we sang along to the lyrics we had memorized long ago.

third completely took me by surprise in the form of here's what's left by RJD2, a band i'd never in my life heard of, but instantly made me hurt for Bar One, Nick, Franny and everyone that i spent of my evenings with. it's a weirdly beautiful song that even now i find myself traveling back to to wrap myself in the lyrics of.

fourth was to be expected, and was wild is the wind by cat power. the instant it came on i died. the song that jaacqy and i bonded over and the song that reminds me how much i love him and how beautiful he is. it's such a delicately beautiful song with lyrics that make me long for his hugs and kisses.

fifth, as per, ruined me a'la Mr Powers... it was butcher's girl and took me immediately back to eleven in the pee em, six days before i left england. it took me back to the playdate we had with graham that was used as a bit of a practice session for them, but also as a chance for me to film Pow one last time. i cried as i watched him perform, as i usually do, because he is such a strong performer. i cried wednesday because i miss him. i miss having THAT as a best friend. i hate how things have ended and i hurt almost constantly for my Pow Pow and all the things that made our friendship what it was.

as i was pulling myself drunkenly out of the bath the final song came on... one that instantly destroys me on site every. single. time. i hear it. always by bon jovi is OUR song... janey and me. hearing that song brings back so, SO many memories of our first playdate ever, ruining Poison Bear's will to live and... everything. i miss her so much and in the drunken state i was stuck in, i found myself particularly fragile and needed a hug... something i did not get. not even from Booger, who seems to hate it when i sing loudly and obnoxiously.

today... i am still in that fragile hungover state where eating is difficult and all i want is to OMGDRINKALLTHEWATER! i feel lonely and am stuck home again because Muffin has to pull an overnight shift... i just want a hug. i just want to feel okay again. when will that happen?


perhaps after some homemade cookies and a boardgame night with the Lunas. meh. we'll see.

could you...

no matter how may cuddles, sexytimes or amazing kisses, i will always wonder how much commitment is behind it all. i've all this before, only to have it stripped from me and to have to wait eight years to have it again.

it's not a trust issue at all, not even a little bit. i trust Muffin. it's more about me wondering how serious all of this is, anytime i bring up the marriage or kids he and i spent so many hours planning over the phone... the topics that were the basis of almost all of our conversations whilst he was in iraq, he tends to get moody and defensive, which has left me to just stifle any thoughts or feelings about it because i am sick of him being moody about something as beautiful as our future.

i feel stuck in this place full of mixed messages and general confusion.some days he's really, super, megaexcited about our future, and others... he's just, not.

day after day i get up, make his lunch, start a load of laundry and proceed with my day once he's gone with little or no certainty as to where this is leading. the random texts throughout the day make me worried that things are slipping, but i promised. i promised him this would be it, i would stand through everything. i would make him KNOW that he was loved and deserved to be loved for forever, that i would make up for all the eight years in love notes, kisses and cakes.

most of the time, when he holds me it feels... hrm. not as close. it feels lonely and like he's doing it more out of habit than anything else. the cuddles in bed have dwindled, only to be increased by a little grumble on my behalf. if i grumble, he tends to react with all he knows, and that's to hold me and tell me he doesn't want to lose me. that he feels like he's losing me.

i feel slightly similar to how i felt just before chris and i split, barring the fact that i still love Muffin like you wouldn't fucking believe. i love him and would do anything for him. and i do. i do everything for him. i cook, clean, bake, sew, lose sleep and generally wear myself to a little, tired nub, just so i can make sure that he's happy. but when does danie get to be happy? when does danie get the love notes, surprises and promises that he spent so many months making to me?

i feel taken for granted and hurt.

a lot of this, i guess, as per, comes from my endless days at home alone, which should hopefully come to an end next week or so. it comes from my thinking and thinking until the thing i am thinking about is dead from all the thinking.

i miss england.

i miss Pow.

i miss having friends HERE.

i miss cider.

i miss certainty, of which i've none. i don't know where we're going or when we're going to go there if we do. i don't know if or when we will get married, i don't know how much of what he says is to placate me, or how much of it he actually means.

i feel like i need a sweeping gesture. i feel like i need something big to prove to me that this is IT and i don't need to worry about any of this stuff.

i feel stupid, again, for feeling.

i was dancin' in a tuesday bar

the week has flown and here we are, again, another tuesday with no job, but another tuesday that i am alive. i am pleased with that. i'm just gonna give you a list, because i can see a lot of blurbs coming on.

please have it, my list...

the air some chairs let out when you sit on them
wearing Lee Lee's shirt and smoking a fag... it is one of the little things that makes me feel like, if i close my eyeballs hard enough, that i am still back in England. it smells like evenings in eating vegan rice and watching programmes, it smells like walking around Five Lamps area and it smells like the best hugs ever.
love notes from Muffin... the two i've gotten since i've been in america have been special and have been awarded a special place in my book. they are few and far in between, which makes them so special.
driving... which originally stressful, i really am getting a handle on it and i feel a lot more confident. i enjoy it and the positive reinforcement that Muffin offers me when i park up at home.
realizing i get slightly better at driving every time i get the chance to
rocks that are shaped like hearts
walking on piles of fallen pine needles
ashley's optemism
cuddling Booger... i probably should have explained our dog. we got him two weeks ago and he is incredibly special. he was abused by his original owners, so he's a big weenie, but he loves me more than anything ever and we cuddle constantly. i adore him.
dressing in layers
walking in mud
painting my nails
eggnog
Zach Galifianakis
my new hoover
days Muffin doesn't work TOO late
Broken Family Band
making cups of tea for people
days that it doesn't hurt that i've lost someone special to me
Fallout New Vegas
Sims 2
Muffin handwriting
watching Full House in the middle of the day in bed with a cup of tea
pizza
working out
how fast my hairs are growing
sitting on my porch, watching the rain and having a fag
bratwurst
coconut curry
artificial cinnamon flavouring

my name is danie and i'm a guiltaholic

i have a problem and i'm not proud to admit it...

i feel guilty on a constant basis... like, you give me a reason  and i will most likely find a reason to feel guilty about it.

as you have all read, i overthink everything, all the time. it never stops, and one of the ugly, horrible, INCREDIBLY unwelcome neighbours of that overthinking is the guilt. so much guilt that i tend to revert into a hole in my head that stops me from expanding the way that i know i should.

like, the guilt is disgusting and comes in the shape of stupid, ugly things that make me feel guilty for feeling guilty. it makes me feel hideous and want to completely hide away until i can bare to merely glance at myself in the mirror. i KNOW it's stupid and i KNOW that it really, REALLY isn't healthy, but it's something i've been... i don't want to say trained, but that seems like the most apt word to use, to do. the relationships i had with many people were not a healthy ones a lot of the time and that has resulted in my harsh judgments of myself and the things that i manifest inside my ridiculous head.

you want a list of things i feel guilty about so you can gauge my insanity? oh goodness, please have one, maybe it'll help me release some of the stupid...

• asking for anything, ever
• wanting sex
• wanting to spend extra time with anyone
• feeling like i deserve something
• when i cook something i don't think is JUST right
• when i smoke
• when i crochet something that isn't JUST right
• wanting more kisses
• doing something even slightly wrong but not at all detrimental to anyone's existence or wellbeing
• listening to a song too many times if someone else can hear that i've done it
• posting blogs about people that are even slightly negative in any way
• having photos of  Christopher on my hard drive
• re-hashing memories of people that don't like me anymore
• feeling things that aren't favourable to Muffin
• becoming emotional, at all, ever
• when i want to watch a film that i'm in the mood for
• talking about england
• thinking about england

it's stupid and i can see it whilst i'm typing it, but it won't stop. i feel guilty constantly. how do YOU deal with the guilt? how should I deal with the guilt? i've no idea what to do.

TUESDAY TUESDAY

quick list... i'm lazy and slow...

GETTING MY LEARNER'S PERMIT!!
Booger (our dog)
painting my nails
Howard Stern
Dane Pillow
having a poo
Padgett
eggs
marschino cherries
lip balm
kisses
pampering boyface
driving (kinda)
cola
Muffin's guns
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
valium
halter tops
janeychats
talking to my sisters
planning big things for my future (more to follow)
MY BIRTHDAY'S 12 DAYS AWAY!
fine-tipped pens
cardigans
passing a test
listening to Muffin talk about work things
meeting new people
the boys at the tattoo shop
planning new tattoos
planning new projects
moving on
naps
working on my CV