so then...

so i spoke with vivian last night online... vivian is my dad's wife. she is very nice... made me sad though... she is a very down woman. she is excited to have me in the family; apparently, she has always wanted a daughter, and now she feels like she has one. :) eh, i am going to get the privilege to tell me mum about speaking with my dad tomorrow. or today, i guess... hee hee... i am going to go out to lunch with her and other people from the facility and then i will go back with her. i am so nervous. she is totally going to wig out! we will see... i think it is better that she knows though. wow! i am leaving in eleven days now! **is pleased with her counting abilities** chris is getting wildly excited, but a little nervous. i can hear it in his voice when i speak with him. he is very afraid. i had to let him know today that he is not alone and i am terribly afraid. and i am... perhaps not so much about getting there and not loving him, because i know that is not going to be the case. i am afraid more of the future i have now. the things that i can see happening... the decisions that i know i am not going to have to make, not just for me either anymore... some of the decisions i make now are for us, chris AND me. :) that pleases me to think about that. to be able to think about that and the possibility of things to occur. i have been thinking a lot about shawn today. i worry about him. i hate that he now hates me... that makes me sad, but what can i do? i love him lots and so i cannot force him to like me and want to be my friend. heh... well, i think i am outta here... i miss you kevin, if you ever get to read this! phone me sometime before i leave. i would enjoy that a lot! awww... and a special hello to the lovely fellow whose journal i read. yes, i do live in wyoming, and yes i do read it all the time... every day, in fact. have a splendid day, sir! **blows special kisses to kevin and then more to everyone else**

**is empty**

eh, i am going to miss ashley so much. she is the most wonderful person ever and i do not know what i am going to do without her. i am facing all of these obstacles with my life right now and i sometimes feel like i am facing them all alone... but then i lay in my bed and see the picture of ashley and me and become pleased because i know that i have this one person, that i know of, that loves me unconditionally... even when she cannot be there. and i am going to go on this huge adventure soon that will not involve an ashley... it will involve a danie and a new part of her life... and that scares the hell out of me. i will think of her every second while i am learning about this brand new thing occuring in my heart. this thing that i am so afraid of sometimes.... this thing that hurts like wild sometimes. and i know that at home, i will have this beast waiting for me that i can come and cry to and love and be loved back by. i love you ashley. i miss you when you have to be a child and go to school and i have to be an adult and go on trips and be in love. nobody will understand what you and i have, you are absolutely right! nobody will understand hating remakes of lovely cartoons and biting germans on the leg at one in the morning... nobody will understand what it is to be a fool that has no meaning and tipping my glass to nobody but you. i heart you my dear... with every bit of my body and soul... **blows kisses**

eh... the pain of growing up...

XxOver tHe starS: I'd gladly end my life to make everyone else's better...

Hmmm… why do people have to hurt like he does? I cry for people every day because I wish that pain could offer sympathy sometimes. That it could just cut some people a break. Shawn hurts so much, so often and I pray for him almost every second of the day. He is such a gentle soul and I am curious about his pain. I am curious about it because it plagues him to such a wild degree. Never in my life have I seen someone in so much pain. I try to think back to when I was fifteen and I do not remember ever hurting that much. I remember medicating as much as possible. And I know that that is what Shawn is doing when he is cutting, but it is too much sometimes. He wants to kill himself so much and I do not remember ever wanting to die so passionately. I remember crying and wanting to make things hurt less… and even though I know I had no friends, I never wanted to die. Ever. I want to be able to look into his eyes right now. To be able to hold him and let him know that it does not have to hurt quite as bad as it does. God… I love you Shawn… whether you want to believe it or not. A lot of people do… you are still my most favourite husband. **blows emo kisses** let me help you with your ovaries. I have them also… I know what a pain the can be. :)

**is upset**

good god shawn is a beast sometimes... but perhaps it is me. i am just all emo and stressed about england and things that shawn just got the ass-end of it tonight. i am all angry because i have a lot on my mind and butcher is probably out getting drunk and... eh. i don't know. my tummy is sore and i do not feel like doing anything but sitting and crying for the moment. that is what it feels like i need. i am mad about so many things... i am leaving in thirteen days and that freaks me out! maria is rockin' but i am not sure how i am going to react to all of the drinking and blah. eh, i am outta here. have a splendid night! **blows kisses**

**enjoys speaking to her boyfriend's sister**

why hello there all of you splendid viewers of the journal of danie... how goes it today? I am quite well… I just phoned maria, chris’s sister, and she rocks. We had a very fun conversation about butcher and what a smelly beast he is. Hee hee… I am very excited! She is very lovely and I cannot wait to meet her! I feel better today, like things are going to be okay. I have been able to let a few things go that I have been trying to hold on to. Except Flic, she is going to drive me nuts! If she acts the way she does now whilst I am there I know that there will be a confrontation. She is so terrible and is not grown up like she should be. So needless to say, I am NOT pleased with her. I will need to avoid her when the situation may be such that I will point out the things she is doing. I enjoy doing that, you know… pointing out other people’s faults… but who doesn’t?! hee hee… eh, I think I will survive. I am quite tired today and frustrated with a few things, but perhaps I will live. I have all of these questions going on in my head and I do not know what to do about them. I want to just flip out and shut down for a little while to think about them but I know that will not be in danie’s best interest. I need to look into derby uni. I need to email the administration there and find out what an American girl like me would have to do to get enrolled. And then there is danie living in England and where I would live and how I would make money and blah blah blah. It is dumb… that is so far away, I just need to let it all go. I am outta here… have a miraculous day! **blows kisses**

**is warm and pleased**

eh, i have a lot on the mind. like, not very important things, but things that have my heart weighed down right now. it is tired. i am tired. i just woke up this morning and felt... BLAH. my eyes are heavy and arms seem to be too much to lift at times. i just want to lay in bed all day and be a beast. or, at least until ashley phones. but i need to go do a few things. i am hoping i can get a hold of keving eventually today. eh, we will see. my dad has not emailed me yet and that bothers me some, but then i have to remember the serenity prayer and let it go.

"GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

i need to remember that a lot in my life lately. with the trip and my money and chris and his school. with everything. there are so many things i cannot change and i need to just deal with it... it is so difficult for me sometimes though. i want to have control over everything that is going on right now... and i need to let it go. i am trying to with lots of things. i am outta here.

**is wildly in love**

i am thinking a lot about mister butcher right now. he makes me so happy and i will be with him very soon...

a danie says:
do you think we will kiss the first time we see each other?
Proletariat punkass.. says:
I always imagined so..
a danie says:
yeah? always?
a danie says:
since when is always?
Proletariat punkass.. says:
since there was an idea you'd be coming to england!
a danie says:
oh?
a danie says:
what kind of a kiss do you think it will be?
Proletariat punkass.. says:
I do not know!
Proletariat punkass.. says:
it depends how I am imagining it!
Proletariat punkass.. says:
sometimes I dream of meeting you
Proletariat punkass.. says:
and its a whole bunch of making out
Proletariat punkass.. says:
or.. sometimes I lay in bed and think
Proletariat punkass.. says:
and its just a couple of small kisses on the lips and maybe another one held a little longer..
a danie says:
me also...
a danie says:
that one is mine
Proletariat punkass.. says:
sometimes its just a close hug and one gentle and slow kiss on your lips..
Proletariat punkass.. says:
oh yeah?
a danie says:
mm hmm...

heh, why can i just not be there right now?! then i think about what i would be missing if i was just transported there and that was it... i would miss our first kiss and the first time we hold each other... and snuggling and things that i have been waiting for for forever. i am also pleased because ashley and i will be beasts tomorrow. i have missed her to a wild extent! i have to hang out with her as much as possible before i go! i am going to get her the greatest gift in the universe in england!**beams with delight** i am outta here for now. have a special evening! **blows kisses**

heart
danie-0

wow i am tired...

mister butcher decided it would be lovely to wake up the danie at five thirty in the morning... so i am a sleepy beast... hee hee... he is such a beast sometimes... i heart his emo-ness. it pleases me even if he thinks it is rubbish. **blows kisses to mister butcher... and everyone for that matter** i am leaving very soon, but that will come with time... good god i am emo! i have been listening to wild amounts of emo music lately! but it makes me pleased... i enjoy being emo and feeling in love and whatnot. eh, i have to go visit me mum today. i want so badly to tell her about my dad, but i do not think she could handle it just yet... i think she will feel rejected, like she was not enough. i am going to go meet him when i get back from england and i am excited about that! i will get to meet his wife and everything. i want to find my other sister. her name is angelique. that is pretty, hey? i wonder if her and i look alike... **ponders** i have a lot of things on my mind right now. heh... it is good for me though, to have this much going on in here... keeps me alert and on the toes... chris keeps me pleased... tells me about love and things...

the girl who hearts chris butcher says:
tell me about love chris butcher..
Proletariat punkass.. says:
mm about love?
Proletariat punkass.. says:
eek..
the girl who hearts chris butcher says:
hee hee... go on
Proletariat punkass.. says:
its so wonderful that it makes me feel sorry for all the people I used to talk to
Proletariat punkass.. says:
because alot of them don't have it
the girl who hearts chris butcher says:
...
Proletariat punkass.. says:
and the girls.. hmmm, well they can be annoying and pests and its what they do for some reason, but they aren't as happy as me

i heart him so much! he is the most splendid beast in the universe! have a miraculous day and tell someone you love them before the end of it.

**does interpretive dance involving a pizza and a taco**

i am a pleased beast right now. i just got off the phone with my dad and he is a lovely fellow. we spoke a lot about my mum and sisters. he told me about his wife and he was very curious about chris. i think i am going to go visit him right after i get home from england. we will see what danie's emotions are like. i am afraid of how they will be and what i will feel like when i get home. i will be very emo, i can imagine. i will need lots of emo-support (HINT! HINT! ashley and kevin! hee hee...) i am still a little off from my dad getting a hold of me so quickly; i was totally not ready for that! but... whatevah. i have been praying a lot for brandi... even though i do not agree with the decisions she has made, i still love her and want her to know that. she needs all the prayer she can get, i would imagine. heh. eh, i am pooped! i feel like i could sleep for forever and still have that not be enough. i think that is what i am going to do when i get home from me mum's in the morrow... sleep like a wild beast! i am outta here, butcher is going to phone me! have a miraculous evening!

**ponders**

i am wondering if i should be more excited that my dad called me... like, i am feeling nothing... perhaps my brain has not caught up with my heart yet... my heart is fleeting, wild with pleasure; but my brain is just there... like it is a very slow computer, trying to process all of this new information: england, dad, chris... eep! oh, and i am wondering if i should be counting the amount of days until i leave or until the day i actually get to england... hmmm... perhaps we will do both everyday... have a miraculous day. i will put another quiz on here... :)

DAYS UNTIL DEPARTURE: 16
DAYS UNTIL ARRIVAL: 18

Oh my! I'm the happiest ever!

AT THE MOMENT, I DO NOT THINK ANYBODY IS HAPPIER THAN ME. MY DAD PHONED ME AND WE CHATTED FOR A VERY LONG TIME. HE IS SO SPLENDID AND WAS SO PLEASED WITH THE FACT THAT I HAD FOUND HIM. GOD I AM HAPPY! HE HAS SUCH A GENTLE VOICE AND HE IS SO KIND. HE SAYS THAT THIS IS THE HAPPIEST THING FOR HIM. IT IS FOR ME TO. I HAVE DECIDED THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE THE MOST SPLENDID YEAR EVER FOR DANIE. I HAVE FOUND MY DAD AND I AM GOING TO ENGLAND AND I AM GOING TO GET TO MEET MY DAD THIS SUMMER... HE AND HIS WIFE ARE GOING TO COME. I GUESS HE AND HER HAD BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME A LOT LATELY. WOW... I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! THIS IS SO HUGE. I HAVE A HUGE AMOUNT OF LOVE IN MY LITTLE HEART RIGHT NOW! WHAT MORE COULD I WANT? THIS IS AMAZING! HE IS GOING TO CALL ME AGAIN TOMORROW. I DO NOT THINK I AM GOING TO TELL ME MUM FOR A LITTLE WHILE. THERE ARE TOO MANY SECRETS IN MY FAMILY... WITH ME MUM AND GRANDPARENTS AND WHATNOT... THEY JUST DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD AT ALL, HEY? WELL, HAVE A MIRACULOUS DAY! I LOVE YOU ALL! **BLOWS KISSES**

**is a beast**

i enjoy how it is four in the afternoon and i have just woken up **is pleased with self** god i am a wild beast... what is it now? still seventeen? okay... so then, i had a lot of odd dreams, and i am wondering if they come from stress... or from all of the blah i have been putting myself through the past few weeks... i feel much more relieved since i have bought my ticket though. MUCH MORE. there was indeed that little fear in my heart that i would be poor forever, thus leaving me to suffer with never meeting my love. but now... there are other little things on my plate that i am trying to relax myself about. i need to go to more meetings or something. stop worrying about all of the shite! it is nuts!

ohhh...

ello there... i have yet to go to sleep... and i am pleased... i took another quiz and the results will be somewhere down there **points** i heart chris and now the countdown will begin... i am leaving in seventeen days! **twirls in a very demonstrative manner** i love him sooo freaking much! it is amazing sometimes, i mean because i have never met this fellow and i am going to travel for nearly two days so i can be with him... i get jealous sometimes and afraid... because he drinks and... eh, i don't know... a lot worries me. he had me make a list... perhaps i will put it on here later... we will see. i am going to go to bed soon i think. i need it. i am so excited to see the ocean! i am going to miss ashley and kevin like a beast though. good god i am going to miss them! they are my favourites! oh! and i am going to miss my chris poch... and... eh, well, EVERYONE!

** is wildly pleased**

hey there everyone in internet-land! how goes it? i am quite well despite all of my bouts of emo-ness lately. i feel quite good today.. a lot on the old mind, i guess... i was becoming afraid that perhaps i would not get my ticket and get to england, but i purchased it today... i am so pleased about that! perhaps not as much as everyone else though... all of the other people in my life seem to be much more pleased and excited about my trip than me. i am very nervous. so scared... heh... maria is going to take chris and me to the ocean the day after i get there... it will be amazing... i will keep all of you updated whilst i am there... perhaps on a near-daily basis. i am very tired today and i am going to have to get myself into the mode of hanging out with people as much as possible before i leave... i want to leave no person without a hug :) i am going to miss everyone to a wild extent. especially ashley. **waves to her** well, i am off to babysit and force the children to watch finding nemo... have a miraculous evening! **blows kisses**

eh...

well then, here i am on another fun filled day in the life of danie... i have cramps like crazy ans i feel ill. i just want to crawl under my covers and die for a little while, but i do not have the time to do that today.. sundays are hell, i have to open and close. heh. i guess i am not complaining though, it gets me paid. dennis tried to kill himself and everyone is blaming it on shawn. that makes me hurt a lot for him. shawn is really a very gentle soul and the things people like to try and put him through SUCK ASS-COCK so to speak. hee hee... so shawn is hurting a lot. i wish i could have been there for him. well, i mean, more THERE at his house... to talk to him and look him in the eyes... then chris called but he was up getting stoned all night, so he was no fun at all to talk to. i wish i could call him this morning because he has his first day back to school tomorrow and i would like to chat with him about it. meh... i don't know. i feel helpless right now, i wonder if they have a little helpless icon down there... nope... i will find something equally suitting. have a miraculous day.

oh dear...

oh my, a PMS'ing danie is no fun at all. i was in a fantastic mood last night and now i am terrible! people saying stupid things to me and i am all emo... i want to cry right now... i do not know why... i feel all helpless when i am like this. i love chris... he is splendid and we talk about babies, but right now all of that makes me want to cry. i cannot handle the stupid people that are in my life sometimes. i wish i could put up a status message for my life... tell everyone to go to hell that i do not want to encounter... heh, i just realized that i have only told kevin about this journal. perhaps we will keep it this way... it will be our little secret... not ashley's or chris's or shawn's... just mine, kevin's and whoever else reads it outside of my circle of friends. meh... whatevah... i am going to go make some pancakes. have a better day than me...

**is angsty**

chris does not like halfway home! i do not think there is room in my heart for a non-lover. hee hee... it is very early an i have to be to work very soon. i missed my bus, so that is delightful. i am tired... i hate how they give me three days off and then expect me to open. i am a alzy beast, what do they expect from me!? i hung out with shawn last night and he is splendid. he was totally NOT as emo as he usually is. i enjoyed that. he is trying very hard. jessi and i talked about cutting quite a mite last night because shawn is trying to quit and i am not too sure what kind of support ot give him. i love the little fella to death! and then there is mister butcher! hee hee... he is such an emo beast right now. the time is getting so close and i am so scared and he is so excited that he has gotten emo. all of the new things that will be occurring will be very different than anything i have ever felt. and it is all going to be so scary and... things... meh, perhaps i will not worry about it today... shawn and i are going to go find some swings today after work and play! **is pleased** i haven't played on a set of swings in years! well then, i am off to snuggle max a mite. have a miraculous day! awww... i forgot, i got to hang out with ashley also yesterday; i missed her so much! god i hate work and school! **shakes fist** adios all!

a poem

Break time

When it hurts this bad aren’t you supposed to feel something?
Like,
More than your heart breaking?
Maybe the occasional tear should drop…
Leaving you to feel its cool river down your cheek.
Perhaps there should be the feeling of your soul leaving…
Taking a step out for a break.
It’ll smoke a few cigarettes,
Take down a few beers…
The things it can’t do normally,
The things it isn’t allowed to do during “buisness hours.”
Why do you take such long work weeks?
You never take time off for fun.
You go and go,
Always running and pushing to look good…
“to impress the boss,” she says…
Let your soul rest a little, hey?
It needs time to put on band-aids
And laugh it up with the guys a little too…

an emo beast

yo. i am here being an emo beast, i feel a mite better right now. i just spoke to chris and he always seems to do the trick. his sister sent me a letter with a piccy of oliver in it and it is just the cutest thing in the world! perhaps tooo cute. i am very excited to meet everyone! it is going to be something so huge and different in my life and i do not know how i am going to do it sometimes, but it will all work out, i think. i am going to go and donate plasma today and i am quite excited about it. it is going to take a long time though because they have to do a physical on me. i am going to take my cd player. i hope shawn's first therapy appointment goes well for him. i worry about him a lot! he is my most favourite husband ever! well then, i am off for a mite. i need to go shower. have a miraculous day! **blows kisses**

A beginning

well, this is the first in a series of events that make up the life of danie. at the moment i am pooped and want to go to bed. i have decided to be a rebel though and not sleep because i have tomorrow and the next day off. i am going to go and donate plasma in the morrow so i can begin accumilating money for england. bah! well, i am off for the moment. i will write a splendid one in the morning. i need sleep and to talk to my husband some more. have a splendid evening all! **blows kisses**