giving thanks and other miscellany...

on the last thursday of every november i have always been raised to use that day as a chance to give thanks and eat.

this year i did not eat and i gave little or no thanks.

i had planned the day several weeks in advance because of this stupid divorce. i HAD to plan in advance so i could make sure i wasn't completely alone on another of the holidays that i love so much.

it was planned that i would prance over to pow pow's with a cheesecake and some dvd's and we would lie around like lazy pigs, watch telly all day and consume shocking amounts of confection.

fyi, not one of those things occurred.

i arrived at his house to see that he was a bit of a tired, disheveled-looking mess. i beamed as i handed him the paint i had brought for him and he just took it and immediately started working on a painting he is doing for me.

i proceeded to make cups of tea and talk to him as he painted. we talked about my plans for moving back to america and whether i had any definite plans set in place, to which i replied that i did... i outlined them and then it hit me, i am going to be moving in ten months, FORTY weeks! upon this announcement alastair claimed the conversation had to be over as it would depress him.

we talked about other things... i asked him what he was thankful for and he mindlessly listed off a few things, exuding more apathy for my being there than anything else.

the rest of the evening was just a montage of cups of tea, paint and some song that he is working on for a film. he was just completely out of it and wrapped-up in his own little world, meaning that i was only gifted two moments through the course of the evening that could be defined as 'nice.'

i just wish sometimes that he would snap to his senses and realize that some of his decisions are SO destructive and it really hurts the people he loves to see him spiral the way he does. i have spent more time during the course of our friendship worrying about him than i have having magical adventures and dates. i hate that i have to worry about him so much... hopefully, this cycle of destruction will end soon and we will have more magical days before i move back to america.

anyways, i feel it is important for me to highlight all the things i am thankful for at the moment. i should have really done this list several days ago, but i have just been busy and tired and generally crap. please see below:

• the muffin... he's just number one on pretty much all of my lists all the time. everything he has done for me over the last seven weeks has been amazing and i know that were it not for him, i would not have gotten through all of this divorce crap as well as i have. he has been an amazingly solid friend who has stood by me and made me laugh even when i hurt the most. i could never, ever explain all the things i am thankful for about him. he is just made of actual magic and makes my life so much brighter and happier. everything will be alright as long as he and i are working together, i can feel that. i can feel the strength that he is helping to build up in me again. i can feel that everything is going to be okay from now on. perfectly okay.
• silicone bake-wear... literally, there is nothing that has made my life easier than a good set of silicone cupcake cases or a good silicone cake 'tin.'silicone is the best thing in the world and i don't know how i ever baked without it before. 
• alastair... despite the fail that our last date was made of, he still remains the best friend that a danie could have ever had in england. he has been an amazing force in my life since the day i met him... a force i am both mystified and comforted by. he is a wonderful creature and i am thankful for every single memory he has ever participated in giving me. he has taught me an incredible amount about myself, patience and friendship, and for that i am eternally thankful. 
• the memories i have of my mum... i have been harking back a lot over the last couple of days to as many memories as i can of my mum. i feel fortunate that i at least have SOME memories of her. granted, i wish that i had more, but i could never, ever be more happy with the ones i have. she was a wonderful woman and was the best mum she could have possibly been. 
• my ash-beast.... she is just... there are no words to describe how much she changed my life. were it not for her i don't know where i would be. she is an amazing girl and i can't wait to move back to america and beast my face off with her. to prance and shop and eat and just remember what it was like to constantly bask in the glow of excited glory. 
• janey... this girl... THIS girl. if i had had any idea that when i added her on myspace back in 2004 that she would have been such a bull in my china closet, then i would have braced myself more... weighted down some of my objects and perhaps met her in real life sooner. she has just stormed into my life like a massive hurricane of sushi, chinese buns, tattoos and wonderful, drunken nights. she has really helped to bring me out of my shell and become who i am today... the american english girl who loves cider, youtube and racist comments too much.
• jaacq
• hannah... there are not enough words in the bloody dictionary to explain how she has helped me and how thankful i am for her. she has supported me through so many times and has accepted me for who i am. a real friend and someone who has stuck by me and cuddled me like no fucker else has. she is an amazingly strong, insightful, beautiful girl and i will DIE when i have to leave her behind. 
• anti-depressants
• my mobile phone
• having money in my account
• my baking and cooking skills
• my divorce
• umbrellas
• the time i have been gifted in england
• my computer
• telephones
• socks
• hair dye
• makeup
• my sisters
• paige
• evan
• my grandparents
• the memories i have of my mum
• my ability to dream
• public transport
• my strength
• the fact that i am not TOO ill overall
• books
• pens
• my creative abilities
• royal mail
• the fact that the muffin and i have another chance
• money
• toilet roll
• high-speed internet connections
• my sense of hearing
• my sense of sight
• my sense of touch
• my sense of smell
• the magnetic fields
• the fact that someone WANTS to move in with me
• my past
• good digestive transit

overall, i am delighted. i will be returning to work tomorrow after being off for almost two months. i really feel ready now. i want to go back to the normalcy of it. i need to start feeling like a contributing member of society again.

things with the muffin have been fun and fairly emotional. we have been talking a lot about the logistics of danie moving back to america... i think i have been getting myself all whipped up into a frenzy more than i should do about the whole thing. like, after talking to pow pow on thanksgiving it hit me that i will be moving TWICE in one year... and these moves will begin in ten bloody months! fuck.

like, it's all very exiting, but the actual weight of the impact has hit me... i am going to be moving back to cheyenne next september, living there and then, around july 2011 i will begin regular trips back and forth to washington so the muffin and i can pick out a house. it's just all so large. i am starting a whole new life again. it is very exciting and very scary at the exact same time.

and amidst all of my fears and anxiety, i have the muffin... he has just been so lovely. i have done and said so many things that one would ordinarily expect to scare anyone off but he has just told me it was all going to be okay and did i want to see a video of a shark exploding? he is a delightful boy and i cannot wait to start the next chapter of my life with him. it will be so glorious.

i still cannot wait until he comes to visit. his arrival should occur at some point in the next fourteen to sixteen weeks and i am literally dying of excitement. he and i talk every day and send each other videos and photos are are generally just disgustingly in love at all times. it occurred to me two days ago, whilst watching one of his latest videos that this is DANE... the boy i fell in love with when i was fifteen. the boy who i planned so many exciting futures with.... the boy i never thought i was going to speak to again. it is all just so amazing to me... amazing and surreal and just... gahhhhh! there are no words. i am happy and i am in love.


i will now close with a snippet of a recent conversation.



starbeast: did you ever think we'd end up here again?
Him: no I didn't in all honesty
starbeast: i always knew
Him: I mean
Him: I always felt it
Him: how does one officially say good bye and then always come back
starbeast: hmmm
starbeast: yeah
Him: because of love my pancake
Him: love of the purest form
Him: love of the strongest time
Him: love like no other
starbeast: have you ever loved anyone like you love me?
Him: please know that I'm here for you
Him: never
Him: not even remotely close
Him: sans molly
starbeast: what makes this love so different?
starbeast: from all the other girls you've loved
Him: other girls I "loved"
starbeast: oh don't belittle it
starbeast: what you felt was love
starbeast: it was just different
Him: well
Him: I have felt love
Him: which was the excitement
Him: and the happiness
Him: but never the want to change the world just to be with them
Him: never the deep pounding of my heart when they were around
Him: never the hurt that I experience when I think about how much I love you yet can't be with you
Him: hurt was the wrong word
Him: intensity of the pain that it hurts
Him: you know what I mean right?
starbeast: mmhmm
Him: I have never loved anyone near as much
Him: they always said, put that 8x10 of her away
Him: you guys are done
Him: and I kept it around
Him: because I love you
Him: because I cared for you
starbeast: but...
Him: still do
starbeast: do you care for the danie from eight years ago?
Him: yes
starbeast: do you worry we've grown different and apart?
Him: and the danie from right now
starbeast: yeah?
Him: danie
Him: why are you being so emo
starbeast: not emo
starbeast: just curious
Him: I don't think for a second that we've grown apart
Him: not one bit
Him: we are different
Him: that is for sure
Him: we might take a little getting used to
Him: but who doesn't
Him: we just need to both be on the same page
starbeast: what makes you think this will work
starbeast: WE will work?
Him: your're stuck with this mess if you choose me
Him: because we have the will
Him: we have the drive
Him: we are hungry to be together and make it work
Him: we have the knowledge of what does and doesn't work
Him: we are amazing with each other
Him: we are independent in our own ways, but yet so dependent on each other to draw our own strength
Him: we are so supportive of each other's ideas and thoughts
Him: I know we will make it
Him: I refuse to let it go
Him: I will not fail
Him: I will not go silently into the night, not without you
Him: and my love for you will never diminish
starbeast: i love you
Him: when we're 70 I'll still be taking you up to the watertower*
Him: and playing al green
Him: I love you with everything
Him: I'm going balls deep on this one
Him: holding nothing back
Him: I fucking love you and I want you to know that
Him: feel it
Him: taste it
Him: know it
Him: is that answer somewhat ok?
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: very
Him: I feel like I didn't say enough
starbeast: you did
starbeast: i want you to know i was totally not being emo a lot of people just ask me what makes me think this will work
starbeast: and i was thinking about MY answer
starbeast: but i wondered what yours was
Him: just print up my report I wrote you on here and show them
starbeast: i might just do that
Him: tell me your answer
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: well
starbeast: my initial answer is that it FEELS right
starbeast: as someone who exists solely on her emotions and gut instincts
starbeast: my initial feeling is that this is right
starbeast: a lot of people ask me,
starbeast: 'well, how do you know if you haven't grown apart? how do you know you will still love one another'
starbeast: and i say...
starbeast: because i KNOW
starbeast: i can feel it
starbeast: i have been feeling it for the last eight years
starbeast: it has been a slow, deep, resonating sound in the core of my being for eight years
starbeast: i feel this intense magnetic draw to you
starbeast: always have
Him: even half-way around the world, we are drawn together
Him: dan face
Him: I fucking love you and adore you,
starbeast: and how can we have grown apart if i can still feel this so heavy in my chest?
starbeast: i just
starbeast: i know that...
starbeast: how can this be anything but love and right
starbeast: when the things that i have seen you do
Him: nothing else
Him: it's too strong
starbeast: matter nil
starbeast: compared to how i feel for you
Him: thank you
Him: you make me start tearing up
Him: I fucking love you so much,
starbeast: i love you
Him: your words are just so...
Him: inspiring and heart felt
Him: and true
starbeast: heh
starbeast: thanks
starbeast: i heart words
Him: good god I am emo
starbeast: don't be
Him: crying over love
Him: in a good way
starbeast: i just know that...
starbeast: these things that i feel
Him: no one has ever showed me this kind of intensity
starbeast: they run so deep and deserve to at least have a chance to be felt
starbeast: to be made real
starbeast: i love you
starbeast: i never, ever stopped
Him: I love you
starbeast: i want you to know that
Him: I know
starbeast: ever
starbeast: not even a little
starbeast: you have always been the one
Him: I do know that
Him: makes me feel so good inside
Him: always has
starbeast: the one little thing stuck in my cerebellum that wouldn't go
starbeast: this ache
starbeast: it makes me feel complete
starbeast: it's like the missing parts of my body are back finally
starbeast: and i am now able to fully function
starbeast: i feel so whole and real again
Him: like a severed finger thrown into the woods and finally found and re-attached?
starbeast: like the last eight years have been in preparation for the moment when we will be able to hold one another again
Him: and somehow it works better than before?
starbeast: i feel like
Him: it 's coming up soon
starbeast: like i've NEEDED these years
starbeast: i've needed them
starbeast: because the things i am going to feel
starbeast: they are going to be huge
Him: huger than huge
starbeast: and i wasn't strong enough eight years ago
Him: massively huge
starbeast: i've needed time to pump that emotional iron
starbeast: to be capable of dealing with this monumental feeling
Him: good analogy
starbeast: fanks
starbeast: i liked it



*the watertower is where he and i had our first more-or-less official date. it was magical, ask me about it sometime, i'll tell you the story. 

tuesday...

this week had been a little slow on the hearting things side... i haven't really found myself in such an excitable and superinlovewitheverything mood. i don't really know why... i have just been overall covered with a thin blanket made of morose. it may be because my birthday and all the excitement involved with that has passed now and i am just on the kind of end-of-year run-down, but i just... i feel all tired and saggy and perhaps definitely ready to go back to work.

meh, let's do this thang...

danie hearts:

• the cupcake necklace... gifted to her by the beautiful hannah on her birthday, she loves it more than any of her other pieces of jewelery. i love always having a cupcake on me so people KNOW... i worry sometimes that people see it more as a fashion symbol than a way of life, but i don't give a fuck... i know what i wear it for and hope that people will ask me. 
• fried rice
• reading old poetry

• my desk at home... i have begun to really adore my desk here at home. it is my fabulous little safe haven where i can create or brainstorm or do anything i want. it is filled with all the things that inspire me and make me happy and i love it. 
• disco balls
• watching the way light glistens on wet pavement at night
• weeing
• planning my next london excursion... this is particularly exciting primarily because i will not be doing what i typically do in london (exhaust myself in chinatown, overeat and drink way too much). this journey will feature me prancing to a pub in bethnal green and watching my precious jaacq perform his little heart out during the last leg of his tour. i was so worried that i was going to miss out on watching his performance, but it seems i will catch his very last show and will be attending with janey, pow pow and eleanor. it will be glorious! 
• rice with butter and brown sugar on
• planning a day out with pow pow on thanksgiving so i don't have to feel so alone... GOD i hope he comes through on this. i have a feeling he won't though.
• yvonne
• creating more animals for my tiny zoo
• boys with pretty eyelashes
• julie west
• janeytexts
• grandma's boy
• danish voice... he seems to have this unbelievable calming affect on me, even just by saying 'CPN 2 Sergeant Scharff...' when he answers the phone makes my heart beat faster. his voice sounds exactly how i remember it when i met him all those years ago and it seems to have this way of making everything in the world go right where it needs to be. he has actual magical powers, that muffin. 

meh, that's all... i need to hit the hay.

the said marriage has broken down irretrivably...

so... today i have decided to finish a task i was gifted last week... a task i didn't think was going to bother me as much as it has.

you see, in this divorce, chris and i agreed that HE would fill out and file the paperwork with the courts because, as a 'low income' individual, we would be able to have the divorce for free (and who doesn't love cutting costs, even when it comes to the untimely death of a marriage?!). so for the last nine weeks i have been waiting for him to get the paperwork filled out so we could get this fucking show on the road.

needless to say, he has since become *cough* preoccupied. all his time seems to be devoted either to playing music with mark and lester, smoking with mat fixit or doing whatever it is that he does with man-face. every day he is in the house i remind him that we had agreed to get the paperwork done as quickly as possible so as to not have this hanging around our necks any longer than needed. every day i ask him if he has any idea when he will actually start the paperwork. and every day he would tell me that he was onto it.

after many harassments, he broke down and told me that he HAD started it but that he was still waiting for his pay slips to prove he is low income. upon the arrival of his pay slips he was unsure if the courts would accept them as proof so i told him that he should contact the Derby Law Centre and ask them, as they would be able to give clear advice on it.

this was about three weeks ago.

i finally snapped last week and went into his room and asked for him to show me what he had actually done so far and to tell me a precise date that he would have the paperwork finished and ready to send in. as he was talking to man-face when i came in, he refused to offer me any form of comfort surrounding this topic, just that he would do it... 'eventually.'

i told him that if he did not give me a date, i would file it myself and it would not be free and he would be liable to pay half of the costs, to which he immediately hopped to attention and told me that he would NOT pay anything and i should just fill out the paperwork for him.

being the wonderfully kind creature i am, i obliged. i obliged and now wish i hadn't.

i wish i hadn't because of section thirteen. section thirteen has ruined my life.

i started filling the paperwork out three days ago and was happy to name the petitioner (chris), the respondent (danie), the article under which the court has jurisdiction ('the petitioner and respondent  are both habitually resident in england or wales') and the reason the marriage  had broken down irretrievably ('the respondent has behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent.'). all of that was fine... i could cope with that... it was when it came to section thirteen that i had to fold it up and put it back on my shelf until today.

section thirteen calls for the 'particulars' of the divorce... it is a space for you to give details of the allegations which are being used to prove the facts given in the previous paragraph.

so, essentially, i am having to fill out this court document claiming why i have behaved in such a way that chris  cannot be expected to live with me anymore... there is just no way to explain the levels of fucked-up this is. no way to.... i just don't know. i feel like a fucking mug who is just being forced into slating herself because chris won't do it himself. it really has fucked with my self-esteem. it is just emotional terrorism at it's best and he doesn't even see it. he doesn't care, as long as he can come home on monday, sign the form i shed many a tear for and then take it to the fucking court house. easy for him, all he had to do is go spend the weekend with man-face and come home to have all of it taken care of as if some magical divorce fairy came in and sorted it all out.

in other news, i love the muffin. he is beautiful and just the most beautiful little creature in the world.

it's been an emotional couple of days... thinking about the move and our history and our future. i kinda had a bit of a freak out the other night because i got to thinking about why it has taken him so long to finally come home to me... to finally realize that danie is the one who will love him like no other.

like, overall, i ask more questions than anyone ever in the world anyways, because i like questions and facts. so the other night i sat down and asked him as many questions as i could. since we've started talking again we haven't really discussed the past or the things he's done. they have more-or-less just gone without mention because of our love... because of this burning, amazing excitement and adoration. every so often though, my head takes charge and i remember that he HAS done things in the past to hurt me and i need to remember those things so i don't become to humble or have my heart broken again.

so i asked him about all the details. he obliged with a little reluctance, telling me everything he was going through and what thoughts were going through his head. the things he said didn't make me feel better, but they seemed to quell the hurt that i was feeling.

the biggest problem with the muffin is that when i show any slight tinges of what could be taken as doubt or hesitation he freaks out. i try to explain to him that no matter what i say or what questions i have, they are in no way a reflection of what i plan to do with my future. i just heart answers and still feel very lost about all the things that happened through the years. i just want to understand it so we can  move forward. i explained to him that no matter what he's done, i will still be moving back to be with him, that we will still pursue our future of glory, just that i will be fragile and hesitant from time to time until we can properly start mending the wounds i have scattered across my heart and mind from him.

i tried to explain it like, i need a special kind of stitches, the kind that dissolve and are made of lovely things, to mend the wounds i have. i explained that he is the only person that has these stitches and that we cannot properly start the re-constructive surgery until we are able to touch and be together. i have had words before and they've broken me... i need something tangible now, something REAL and that i can feel.

we then proceeded to discuss all the foods i will be wanting to have in the house at all times and what kinds of adventures we will be partaking in when we live together. i can't help but think that living with this boy is going to be the funnest, most wonderful thing in the world. we have so many of the same ideas and plans that it would be a crime against the universe for us to not give this a shot.

last wednesday saw me over at pow pow's for our weekly movieomgfuntime date. upon my arrival it was evident that we had both been stricken down with coughs and angry noses, so we proceeded to drink cups of tea and feel sorry for ourselves.

now, it is important for all the readers to know that during each of our last like, five movie dates we have been at the mercy of his horrific dvd player, which he had been gifted by dave (of dreadlocks and a magical singing voice) because it was 'slightly temperamental.' this dvd player would soon become the bane of our existence, sometimes forcing you to open and close the dvd tray for an hour until it decided to play it.

wednesday was no different. upon my arrival we started the slow process of trying to get one of the six dvds we wanted to watch to play, changing them on a rotating basis and speaking to the muffin whilst we did this. after about six cups of tea each and two hours we FINALLY got a dvd to play and we celebrated with an excellent cuddle and by having pow pow be the first person to draw in my hourglass tattoo i got for him. the movie was enjoyed and to ensure we got as much out of the dvd as possible we watched all the special features and commentary.

once we had exhausted all the possibilities for that particular dvd we started the long process of trying to get another dvd to work. after forty-five minutes it was nearly one in the morning and pow pow suggested we get a taxi out to the local 24-hour supermarket and procure a new dvd player. we sniggered about this for a short time before deciding that it was the best idea ever and we got all bundled up and called a taxi.

we arrived at the supermarket and pranced through the aisles, stopping only for him to pose with miscellaneous electronics and then found our way to the cheapest dvd player in the world. who KNEW entertainment could come as cheap as seventeen pounds?!

after purchasing the new dvd player and some benylin we skipped back to the taxi and back to his house. we bundled in and i made cups of tea whilst he did the manly electronic things and we sat down to watch a dvd that played without any problems for the first time in ages.

i am going to miss my pow pow so much. i have decided that he will be the single-hardest person for me to leave when i move. he's the best friend an american princess can have and i'd not trade him in for any of the other people in the world.

so, danie has officially been smoke-free for seven days and is only now feeling better. it was mostly my fault though, as on my birthday i decided the best way to stop smoking would be to go out with a bang. saturday saw me smoke most likely 40 fags and a cuban cigar. by the time sunday rolled around i actually thought i was going to die and had no desire to smoke. monday unveiled a whole new level of wonder in the form of coughing up blood. my lungs have since healed and i am feeling better for it. i have to say, i have desperately wanted a fag, more than anything ever, but i am not going to give in. it will be for the best in the long run.

i guess that's it... i shall now lie on my bed and watch a film until the muffin comes online. i am perfectly content at the moment.

dear tuesday

you seem to have flown in without any notice, leaving me completely unable to prepare. i shall just throw on the old heart-themed swimming suit and dive in!

danie hearts...

•  turning twenty-five... there seems to be nothing more glorious than hitting that milestone. i genuinely feel like the rest of my life is going to start from this point. that this new chapter is going to be the most important chapter that has ever been written. this year is going to feature me quitting smoking, moving back to america, getting a divorce, seeing the muffin for the first time in nearly eight years and so many more things... the list seems to just be limitless. this is going to be the best year of my life... or the beginning of a series of amazing years. if you haven't turned twenty-five yet, brace yourself, it feels huge.

• my pow pow... i know, he seems to get a mention every week, but he is just so special that he MUST. this person... this boy... he is quite possibly one of the most important people in my life. he has altered me in ways that nobody else ever has. he has touched me in more ways than anyone in my life combined. the strength that i derive from him really is unbelievable and i ca't thank him enough for all the shoulders, films and lazy wednesdays he's given me. 
• being the bigger person... over the last week chris has just completely turned into this wickedly awful creature that is completely unrecognizable to most of his close friends and acquaintances. he just seems to have had the switch in his head turned from 'reasonable, together, funny fella,' to 'complete douche.' we cannae have a single conversation at the moment without him resorting to name-calling and cursing. his fuse is short and i seem to hold a lot of matches that have the potential to set him off. i am being cautious with these matches though... they are safely stowed away in my back pocket with my smiles and calm voice, both of which i am finding myself pulling out more often than the matches. i've just realized that there is no point in fighting it anymore... we are going to get this divorce and i can make it hard, or i can make it easy. i have chose the latter and feel like my sanity has been saved as a result of it. 
• my friends... there are just no words to explain how loved and happy i felt on saturday. i half expected nobody to show up to the party... i expected it to just be a little group of fabulous creatures but it started filling and didin't stop. people kept coming in and cuddling me and giving me cards and it was just... the feeling was so stupendous. like i said in a previous blog... that was for ME and i made it... i made all these friends and cultivated all these little things that are just so beautiful and make up the most fabulous garden of friendly delight in the world. 

• janeyface... she is just... she is another one of the big ones... like, one of the 'big three.' she is so special to me... every time i meet up with her at some random train or coach station it is like one of us is coming back from a tour of duty somewhere and we are long, lost, love-torn comrades. when i am with her i am so happy and at ease and in love with everything. there is nobody else in the world that i could or would want to consume 3 litres of cider and watch youtube for five hours with... nobody else who i would rather perform an epic journey into chinatown for OMGSUSHIBUNFUNTIME with... nobody else i would rather do most things with than her. she is someone that i could never, ever replace and makes my sky so much brighter, just by being such a beautiful little thai princess.

misc...

OMGVASELINE, getting new tattoos, danish (OMGDANISH), kasey, hannah banana, hell death fury, karl, reno, bean, slim, luke winn, when people state actual facts in songs, mustangs, auto-tuned music, amazing days out/in with pow pow, really vivid dreams, watching really shite horror films, my cupcake necklace, boys in leggings, cups of tea with LOTS of milk and sugar in, ska music, when i prove people wrong, jam tarts, red onions, cheese and onion sandwiches, avacado, japanese pear-apples, getting my own way, naive super, the fact that pow pow showed up at my birthday, the fact that the muffin's parcel arrived on my birthday and wowing people with my crocheted goods.

on being twenty-five...

over the last three days the one, single question i have heard more than any other is: so how does it feel to be twenty-five?...

how does it feel indeed. i generally gave the same answer, which i have given a great deal of thought... i shall now give you my answer, but in detail... please enjoy helping me explore my turning a quarter of a century.

it feels like, i can remember when i was twelve and my sister, carmen, turned twenty-five. i remember thinking she was so old, swearing that i would NEVER get that old.

well, now, here i am... i feel like i needed to do a mental assessment of my life. of what i wanted to achieve in comparison to what i actually have. almost three seconds after i started the mental assessment i decided it was not necessary... i decided that i just needed to see how i felt. as a girl who exists solely on the whims of her emotions and gut feelings, why change all that now just because i've turned twenty-five?

at this juncture in my life i feel like i have achieved every single little thing that anyone could hope for. i have moved continents, gotten married, made the most incredible friends anyone could ever know, created the most fabulous toys in the world, started a divorce, re-kindled an outrageously beautiful old flame, traveled some of europe, gotten a shit-ton of cheap or free tattoos and am planning to move continents again. i have done more in my twenty-five years than some people have done in fifty, sixty or seventy years.

i've been so blessed with the opportunities that i have been given and have been equally blessed with an upbringing that gave me the strength and peace of mind to act on them to their fullest potential. every single little step that i have taken from the moment i was born has made me who i am today. from my mother falling ill when i was nine or me going into the home to meeting my ashley to signing into that yahoo! chatroom that day on a whim. i am thankful for every single decision i have ever made and every decision that was made for me when i was not in the right capacity.

there is not a single thing in my life, to this day, that i regret. there is not one decision that i wish i hadn't made or one corner i wish i hadn't turned. they have all been perfect and have led me here, to this place where i feel so at peace and happy with my life that i feel i might cry at any moment.

today, my life is perfect and i am happy... 

janeyface arrived two days early and upon her arrival we immediately went to the nearest booze-selling shop to procure some cider. five hours, three litres of cider and god knows how many fags later we were found writhing on the floor acting out scenes from our favourite video clip, which was actually made about us!

 

my birthday party was so, unbelievably epic. the night was just everything it should have been.

most everyone i love showed up, the bands played and my cupcakes tasted and looked perfect i got more cuddles and cupcake-themed cards than i knew was possible.

the entire evening i just pranced around in a complete daze of happy wonderment. all of this was for me and all the people were there for ME. i had created this life, made these friends and made all of this possible.

the only slight downer i experienced was attributed to pow pow. he had another gig to play in mansfield and was going to be late, by eleven at the latest. eleven rolled around, nothing. half-eleven, still nothing. by twelve i was near to tears, so cross with him i couldn't even talk because i would have just fallen on the floor in an inconsolable ball of emo. half twelve passed and i gave up... i gave up and began planning all the things i was going to do to make sure that i kept myself so busy that i wouldn't miss him when i gave him the cold shoulder.

i cannae remember the exact time that little tap came on my shoulder, but i turned, prepared to say goodbye to one of the many creatures who were surely too tired to continue partying. upon turning i saw the most beautiful, sheepish, wonderful little pow pow face in the world. i immediately cried and held him for ages. telling him i was so cross with him and thanking him for coming. it meant so much that he had actually come. i have been running through the last several months under the thought-pattern that this was an incredibly one-sided friendship and that if it came down to the wire, he would never go out of his way to make it known that he was an active participant. it just... him showing up really showed me that he cared, that this was a mostly-equal friendship that... that i love and don't ever want to lose. ever.

we had a fabulous movie date around his last wednesday that saw us watch a film, the news, a drama about youths in sixth-form and nevermind the buzzcocks. it saw us have an amazing cuddle and talk and just be happy. i made us some fabulous dinner and we just hung out. i am going to miss him so much. like, there are no words. he is one of the most special, important people i have ever met in my life... not just in england. he is a special boy and i love him so much. 

my birthday morning i was woken by the door. at the door was a post man with a parcel from the muffin. he had sent the parcel several weeks ago and by luck, it showed up on the most perfect day in the world. i pranced up the stairs and opened it and was greeted by two camel-skin journals,  the most fabulous iraqi trinket box in the world, a letter and two t-shirts. i immediately just curled up with one and snoozed for a while, smelling the shirt occasionally... i know this sounds odd... see, i primarily exist via my olfactory senses,  my memories and associations with people are generally always triggered by scents and i just wanted to be able to associate him with that smell... any smell.

my smelling session was interrupted by the one, consistently negative thing from the whole weekend.... my estranged husband. his barged into my room demanding to know why i had been so lazy and not cleaned out the pets or dusted. i advised him that it was my birthday and i would prefer if, just for the one day, we could just avoid talking about the divorce, bills or chores. after pulling a suitably sassy face he shouted, 'fine, happy fucking birthday,' and stormed out.

he proceeded to be made of moody and sass for the remainder of the weekend, the most fabulous stunt he pulled being that he asked to borrow money from me saturday so he could have some drinks at my birthday (as he claims he has no money. this is because apparently, work has been giving him less hours due to how 'stressed' he is. personally, i reckon his money is being depleted by his various trips to nottingham to fuck man-face) ... i was feeling nice, so i lent him some money. the next day, yesterday, he pranced into my room in the middle of OMGSLEEPOVERFUNTIME with janey to inform us that he will be leaving to stay with man-face for the evening. i glanced over at janeyface to see the most disgusted look i have ever seen her pull. she and i spent some time discussing how disgusting it was that he claimed to have no money, borrowed some from me for 'drinks' and then fucks off to nottingham, which will cost him a minimum of seven pounds. i advised him of my opinion of this, to which he simply replied, 'well then don't lend me money next time.' and left it at that.

twat.

coming in as a close second to this stunt was when he tried to bring some random strange female home on my birthday. the primary reason this upset me was not due to the fact that he was most likely trying to get his end away, i could care less about this... the MAIN reason this upset me was because barely twenty-four hours prior to his trying to bring her home he had been in my room complaining to me that there was simply not enough room in our house for all the people that were going to be staying... how do you make that better? well, the clear answer is that you bring a random drunk stranger home to add to the bodies and tension.

i honestly, at this moment, cannot remember for the life of me why i married him. there had always been this small glimmer of love for him. love and respect and compassion... over the last few weeks he has very rapidly whittled that down to, well, more or less nothing. i honestly cannot remember why i married him or why i stayed with him as long as i did. i hate everything about him. his voice, his face, his music... i just hate him.

it is so strange to be going through these emotions. i have never felt such a severe distaste for anyone in my life. i have never felt the need to ensure i see them as little as possible for fear of it ruining my day. the day he moves out cannot come soon enough.

well, that's it, really... thank you world for letting me turn twenty-five and here's to another twenty-five years!

mmm... apt horoscope is apt!

Forgiveness Is Freedom
Scorpio Daily Horoscope
 
You may feel magnanimous today and desire to mend old rifts or rise above petty conflicts. It may be helpful to set aside time to review your past experiences and forgive anyone who has wronged you. A simple way to do this is to call up memories of past hurts, visualize the person responsible for them, and mentally embrace them while feeling love and forgiveness. While it can be difficult to relive old hurts, consciously choosing to forgive and let go can be incredibly freeing, and you will find yourself feeling much lighter and happier. You can also use this same process to mend rifts in your current relationships today by choosing to rise above disagreements.

Our willingness to forgive and let go of our pain gives us the freedom to engage fully and joyfully in the present moment. We often tend to carry remnants of past hurts into our current relationships, and this can affect our present interactions in unhealthy ways. If we can instead choose to release old hurts and forgive those responsible for them, we free ourselves from the past. We immediately begin to feel optimistic about our lives. This enables us to engage more deeply in our new experiences and develop greater intimacy and trust in our current relationships. Your willingness to forgive the past today can help you release old hurts and bring a new level of joy and purpose to your life.

this tuesday... THIS TUESDAY!

i know it's early, but i know if i don't do it now, i will never, ever do it. the last week could be compared to a cake. a fabulous cake made of magnificence, win and glory sprinkled only lightly with a little morose.

the week saw me go out for a night out that ended up being unbelievably wonderful, saw me finalize all plans birthday-related and saw me attend my first official day at the Resource Centre Day Hospital.

a full and concise list of things i have hearted over the last week can be seen below...

• seeing things i've sent to someone arrive to them safely... one of the three parcels i sent to Him arrived safely into his arms today. luckily, it was the BEST of the three parcels. it contained the wee creatures i made and a special 'letter' i embroidered onto a piece of felt (yeah, i did the lines and EVERYTHING). it is just like... this little thing has brought us even closer if that's possible. i held these items in my hands a mere twelve days ago and now he has them. i was kissing the nose of that giraffe twelve days ago and now i can watch HIM kiss his nose. He cried and i fell in love all over again. He is just such a precious face and it makes me so happy to see that something i do can make someone THAT happy. (SIDE NOTE: the reason He seems to be smelling things a lot is because i infused things with the scent of danie so's He could associate me with another one of his senses.)

• nights out... very rarely does a night out go as planned... very rarely does a night out actually end up being as glorious as you originally plan for them to. this last saturday was a massive exception to this rule. i had planned this saturday with slight hesitation, given the fail most of the nights out i've had recently have been made of. i went out with a cautious head, determined to at least get a little tipsy and cuddle pow pow's face off. my arrival saw me cuddle many, MANY faces off and prance a great deal with chris tree (of the most youthful face in the world and amazing musical skills) and see many faces i didn't expect i'd see ever again. pow pow was off his face most of the night but he still gave me amazing cuddles and performed amazingly well. given that i had nothing in my belly, i was VERY concerned about drinking, but somehow, by midnight-thirty, i had eleven rum and cokes in me and felt amazing. after multiple photo sessions with multiple beautyfaces i decided to cut my losses and run. the night was amazing and i can't even describe how much fun i had. thanks to everyone. it was perfect and just what this divorcee needed.

• watching pow pow perform... granted, i love watching ALL people perform, pow pow is always at the top of my list. he pulls some amazing faces when he sings. saturday saw me watching one of his newer bands, hot japanese girl, play. it was my first time seeing them and i was immediately judgmental when i saw him arrive with a ridiculous amount of face paint on. i am a floozy for acoustic music and ali's voice when he is only accompanied by a guitar has the ability to make me weak in the knees, but this... there are no words. they were fabulous. the energy that ali puts into his music is just so intense. it makes me SO happy to see him in his element. 
• gogol bordello... oh yes, i have fallen in love with them again, in a big way.  it all started last thursday when they posted some photos from their most recent gigs and i couldn't help but re-hash that love affair via youtube. i watched loads of acoustic sets they did for a show and totally remembered why i fell in love with that big-nosed, blue-eyed beauty named hutz. they are such an amazing band. i can't get enough of them and NEED to see them like, now. 

• my beautiful lee lee... mmm, sunday saw the return of my lee lee for a flying visit due to some magical scheduling at his shop. i was the only individual a privvy to this confidential information and was therefore designated as the orchestrator of people so many deaths-by-glee could occur. i pranced into town sunday morning to meet him and perched at a table at our allocated meeting-spot. i was soon drawn to a whistle stage-right where i was greeted by the most beautiful of little faces. i didn't realize how much i missed him until i saw him and immediately felt the need to grab him and hold him forever. he smelled just like i remembered and during our walk to hannah's i kept having to stop and grab him and squeeze him. he is so beautiful and one of the creatures i will miss most when i move back across the pond.
• OMGMYBIRTHDAY... oh yes, in a mere five days danie will be celebrating her twenty-fifth year on the planet. i am very aware that this MAY be my last celebration in england for a while, so i plan to make it massive and perfect. all things have been arranged and creatures will begin arriving on thursday, which i am SO looking forward to. it will be a stupendous night and MANY photos will occur. OMGSOMANYPHOTOS!

other things, you ask? oh yes, there are some... please has them!
having a really long and restful sleep, grape soda, lindt lindor truffles, valium, looking at other people's journals, making money doing what i love, maral, reading through all my lists, danishchats, writing up itemized lists, the magnetic fields, cinnamon and sultana bagels with cream cheese on, trying out new cupcake recipes, the skill with which i can crochet, re-connecting with old friends, looking at old photographs, the smell of clean laundry, watching people paint, when i'm able to eat without feeling ill, tandem bicycles, meeting new people and really connecting with them, rob padley, girls with shaved heads, how amazingly wonderful and supportive danish is, when time passes really quickly, skirts that fall below the knees, tights with excellent prints on them, eccentric old women, scottish accents, pulling funny faces, danish videos, chicken sushi, alastair's handwriting, the smell of lush, wellies and mustangs.

so yes, i started the day hospital today. i went in not really knowing what to expect but thinking i had an idea of what MIGHT occur there. hey, i've been in treatment, i know all about groups and all that malarkey... but i must say, no amount of groups could have prepared me for the fail that this day hospital is made of. it was just... it seems to be a place that was created for people that are suffering from much more debilitating mental health problems than me. the people that were there were just so out of it. i arrived an hour early and sat and read... someone came and gave me a tour of the day area and i sat and read some more.

once the day officially began it was just... i don't even know how to describe it. just... i don't know. i participated in two groups today, the first being 'health and wellbeing,' which saw about eight of us sat around a table tasting various different fruits and discussing their texture, colour, flavour and price. danie, being the very worldly and self-aware girl she is, was able to discuss all the fruits in great detail, which left everyone staring at me like i had two heads...

it was like, 'o hai! i has blue hairs, massive holes in my ears and will talk excitedly and at-length about any topic you can throw at me!'

so yes, needless to say, i got stared at a lot by the other inhabitants of the group who were really not well and therefore did not want to participate in the groups.

i just want someplace i can go and actually talk about stuff. i don't want to sit around and do arts and crafts or eat fruit... i want to talk and work through my problems. i am aware i have them and want them to stop. i want to learn how to get through them, not learn ways i can ignore them.

i shall give it another day or two and then ring my consultant and tell him what i reckon. who knows, perhaps tomorrow will surprise me and will be really helpful. i'm not holding my breath though.