24: what has changed most about the neighbourhood you grew up in?

well, i guess all i can really say is that it is a vast amount cleaner.

going through the neighbourhood in april for the first time in like, three years really shocked me. it almost didn't look like the same place i used to prance as a child. a lot of the trees were cut down, a lot of picket and chain-link fences were put up and everything had a beautiful blanket of grass covereing it.... bar the streets and pavements, as you can imagine.

23: what activities besides eating when on at the kitchen table in the home you grew up in?

ohhh...

well, our kitchen was mostly a haven for two of our many dogs who just didn't get on with the rest of the pack. bambi and buck. they resided in the kitchen, behind the confines of a baby gate. mostly the kitchen was not used for anything other than a dumping ground for junk and so i feel i can safely say that the kitchen table served merely as a secret place for bambi to have puppies when she was pregnant.

22: What secret fantasies and games did you have as a child that you told no one about?

okay... so, this is a good one.

i used to hang out at the laundrette my mum worked at and do this thing... SO weird.

bare in mind whilst i am telling you this, that i was like, nine or ten.

i used to hang out in any little secret place i could (corridors, under tables, around corners), any place was fine as long as i was within ear-shot of a youthful gentleman who was laundering alone. i would sit there and sing love songs. mostly whitney houston. i would sing these songs and imagine that this person... this gentleman, would hear me, become entranced in my beauteous siren song and come find me only to fall madly in love with me.

needless to say, this never worked. i blame it not on my singing and siren abilities, but the fact that the washing machines and clothes driers were TOO loud.

21: What was the craziest thing you did in your youth?

well, as young lady i participated in far too many things to list... i am trying to think what would be the one that would strike people as most out-of-the-ordinary.

mostly i enjoyed hiding in people's rooms and watching them do things that they wouldn't ordinarily do if someone (especially a little girl) was watching.

one incident i remember particularly well was when my friend Jessica and i hid under the bed of a guy called Bo, who rented out a room in her basement. we was QUITE the stud, and we decided we were going to hide and surprise him when he came home from work... little did we know that he came home, got into the shower and came in the bedroom naked... that is the day that changed my little girl mind forever. after this incident, i was on overdrive for sneaking around and seeing older people's secret bits.

yes. i was a delightful child.

20: In what organisations or extracurricular activities did you participate?

i was never really one for participating in anything that didn't involve barbies or pretending to be reba macintyre.

when i was REALLY young i was in the brownies. it was fun mostly because there was a girl there was Tai who was a big, beautiful, sassy black girl who had two older brothers who's tales of mischeif she would always divulge to use prior to our macaroni-decorating and card-making.

i a little later i was in the Youth Group at church where i took part in a group where we created and performed dance routines to youthful religious songs every sunday. it was special.

19: What is a special compliment you always received?

i was regularly told that i had incredible hair as a child. this was due to the fact that i had the THICKEST hair anyone had ever seen in their lives.

despite the fact that it was very lovely, it was also the bane of my existence, as it loved to rebel as much as it could by way of turning into a rat's nest within twenty minutes of brushing it.

18: Did you ever get lost?

oh my LORD. there was nothing in the world i was more frightened of as a child.

i was a horrible nuisance any time we went out because i clung to my mum (or any other adult i deemed as safe) like i was going to die if i didn't.

i came from an age where it was big to use scare tactics to stop children from wondering. while most children would ignore this and continue to be loose cannons, i became eternally terrified to ever be out of sight of an adult that i knew.

so, as a result, i never, ever got lost. i was ALWAYS where i was meant to be.

17: Did you have your own telephone growing up, or any other special privleges?

well, i didn't my own phone, as SUCH, but i DID have an incredible phone in my bedroom that had huge buttons on it that were clear and you could remove them and put photos in it to help remember speed dial options. it was absolutely fabulous.

i guess i had special privleges in that i was the youngest and i was living at home, taking care of my mum from a young age, so my mum and grandparents made sure i was happy... they got me lots of presents and stuff... i generally had everything i could ever dream of.

16: Why were you given your name and does it have special meaning?

eh, i hate this...

as i was growing up i always asked my mum why she named me what she named me... her answer was always the same... she knew why she named LaDonna and Carmen what she did... but she had no idea at all why she called me Danielle.

all i really know about my naming is that, were i to have come out with a penis, i would have been called Christian... which, one would think would have led to a name like Christina or something when i came out with a vagina... but here we are...

i heart things and things NOT tuesday

oh my... not been posting in a while, have i?

things have been a LOT better at home but MYGOD busy everywhere else... i shall ensure i post more from this moment on... bar this weekend, which will feature janey coming to visit! **scree**

a random list of things i heart?

*the glittery effect frost has on the pavement
*crochetting special scarves for special people
*stretching my piercings
*going out for meals with the 'adults' i work with
*baking... OMG baking!
*oatmeal with butter, milk and sugar
*my haircut
*matching my eyeshadow with TINY bits of colour on my outfit... just to make people think.
*slovakia... but only for the run-down and cake-like buildings
*books about zombies


well, i need to go to the dentist, but i will post some more tonight, or perhaps later today... we shall see... but FIRST! some photos!!

one of the cake buildings from slovakia... i hearted this one most and would have taken a better photo if there wasn't some sort of horrific wedding processional taking place directly in front of it.

THE chevy... looking incredibly sassy and oh-so-handsome!

i heart things and things NOT tuesday

so... time has been getting the better of me in the last couple of weeks due to all the faeces that has been raining on me. i'm just gonna pour these ones out at random and see what forms...

• sewing... i have been participating in a massive amount of repairing and general running-up in the recent weeks. coats, shirts, dresses and even the pig skin. i have been really focussing a lot of my energy on creating things rather than destorying things (relationships, chris's things, my body, etc) and it has made me feel increidibly splendid.
• baking! my baking endeavours have been taking on all new forms since i started to experiment with different ingredients. the most recent endeavour were the dark chocolate and peanut butter cupcakes i made today, which ended up being just like angels wrapped up in chocolate. the amount of amazing contained in these tiny pieces of heaven could not be surmounted by anything at the moment. never before have i been able to identify with the people who claim their ridiculous obsessions with chocolate via badge, shirt or otherwise until today. i now know how special chocolate is because i can create things that make my tummy go 'weee!' with delight.
• tracey meek... i have been attempting lately to... i want to use the word 'culturize'... myself via art. since my visit to london last weekend i have been inspired to investigate new realms of art... mostly graffiti, but tracey has really hit me hard with the simplicity that she approaches things with. check it out and delight yourself!
• inspirational websites... i have been almost entirely existing on websites that offer me suggestion and inspiration. a list in no particular order is as follows... seven questions that will prevent regret, feeling sexy in an unsexy world, brush off failures, the tea drinking english rose and a cup of jo...
• making birthday plans! obviously, my birthday is in like, 33 days, so i have been having to plan like a planning fool. the most current (and most exciting) plan (ever) at the moment features myself and chris going to bratislava, slovakia to visit claire and mark. we would go for a week and just prance around the markets and generally make a lot of music. the exchange rate at the moment is 39 slovak koruna to the pound, so that makes me think that my birthday would be the best thing ever. but we shall see...

other misc things... which shall now be listed as i am sleepy and want to go die...

• sleeping (A LOT!), trying to sort out my problems, hannah, stretching my ears, bleaching my hairs, the cosmic sausages, salami, painting my nails, the little mermaid, crochetting, lists, water, collecting ring pulls, planning new hobbies, taxidermy...

eh, sleepytime...

enjoy the cosmic sausages...

Becoming whole again... Daily OM seems to know everything!

Becoming Whole Again
The Process of Grieving

When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with. This sense of grief can also come up when we are separated from anyone or anything we have welcomed into our lives. And while it may feel like we are caught up in a never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness, it is important to remember that the grief we are feeling is not a permanent state of being. Rather, grief is part of the process of letting go that in many ways can be a gift, allowing us to go deeper within ourselves to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness.

The emotions that accompany any kind of loss can be intense and varied. A sense of shock or denial is often the first reaction, to be replaced by anger. Sometimes this anger can be directed at your loved one for “abandoning” you; at other times you may feel outrage toward the universe for what you are enduring. And while there are stages of grief that people go through – moving from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance – the cycles of grief often move in spirals, sometimes circling forward and then back again. You may even experience moments of strength, faith, and laughter in between. While these emotions seem to come and go sporadically, it is important to feel them, accept them, and allow them to flow. With time, patience, and compassion, you will eventually find your centre again.

As we move through our grief, we may find ourselves reluctant to release our pain, fearing we are letting go of who or what we have lost. We may even regard our movement toward healing as an act of disloyalty or giving up. Know that while the hurt may fade, the essence of what you had and who you loved will have already transformed you and forever stay with you. If anything, once you are ready for the pain of your loss to subside, their memories can then live more fully within you. Remember, that healing is a part of the spiralling cycles of grief, and that in letting yourself feel restored again, you are surrendering to a natural movement that is part of the dance of life.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i came home yesterday to the above in my inbox... it seems that everything in the world knew that i would see what i saw friday night but me. it also seems that people i know and trust(ed) saw these these and decided to hide them before i saw them myself.

it was brought to my attention that someone may have seen him getting off with this female before i did (as, apparantly, it happened more than once friday night). this someone is a person i thought i could trust and someone that has shown his true colours as poop-coloured since the event occurred. whilst small gestures have been made, i was still left to deal with the fallout with strangers whilst he pranced off with the very female my husband got off with... i was still left to go home without any of my stuff because some more interesting and attractive female invited him to go to TK Maxx with him... i have now been left hanging as to when i will be getting my things from his house because he seems to enjoy ignoring me.

it's nice to know who your real friends are. you fucking put a lot of effort into making a friendship worth having and then when the chips fall and you need a bit of help, all that person cares about is themselves.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i am now running around in limbo. chris is trying in vain to act like nothing happened. like he can go ahead and cuddle me and kiss me and that everything is fine. it isn't... it won't be for a long time, if ever. barely 24 hours have passed and all he can think about is when he will get his next shag. i just want to figure this all out. i don't want to be rash or make a decision i will regret.

i know why the caged bird sings....

and i really do, yes, i do.

i have been existing recently on a plane of emo with only one destination, 'depressionville.' well, the flight landed and despite the fact that i have been waiting around for a return flight, things have been alright. when i say 'alright' though, i mean... things have been better than awful. but only marginally.

WORK
i have been running through my days at work delighted by the antics of my co-workers and barely containing myself when my boss comes in. she was off all last week, so this week she had to make up for the fact that she was not able to harass and scruitinize everything i do for a week. on top of her regular mood, she had to have a verruca attacked on her foot which left her even chillier than usual. she was seemingly only barely holding on to her last breath long enough to limp into the office to make regular jabs at my work and to task me with making the coffee for meetings going on (which is NOT my fecking job and never will be). her mood only became bareable friday, when i had a 'supervision' meeting with her, which is basically a time for me to sit with her and raise any problems i am facing and to allow her time to outline any concerns she has with me and my work... i pranced into the office with only concern due to the fact that everything i had done the prior four days had been wrong. OMG was i surprised when she came out with nothing but beautious delight RE: me and how amazingly splendid i am at getting things done and she would like to see me get some qualifications paid for by the trust. once our meeting was over she then proceeded to hobble to every office on our floor and offer to buy ice creams.
a big perk regarding my working life is that i have decided that since i am getting no 'customer contact' as it were, at my current job, i am going to chase this outside of work hours. due to this epiphany, i have applied for a part time job at LUSH. hooray!

Husband
eh, today has been splendid, but the big chunks of my time with chris are consumed by him telling me how crap i am. we had a lovely night the other night where he decided to display his frustration with me by slamming doors and punching them only to stop periodically to advise me of what a crazy bitch i am. let me tell you, i was incredibly impressed by this display. oh yes. he has decided that the best route to making our relationship better is to start having sex every day for two weeks. two days down and i mostly only want to die. i'm just not feeling it at the moment. the way he acts leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to my lady bits. he has really been trying though, which i can see... but he has been trying so much that a lot of it is coming across as patronizing and suffocating. it really is taking its toll on me. i'm just trying to figure out what is happening in my head as fast as i can to make a conscious decision about us.

alastair
whilst the biggest chunk of this has been amazing... there have been some iffy moments where i have felt like he just cannae handle having any responsibility or a schedule for doing things. this theory has most certainly been blown out of the water though, as of wednesday... wednesday found me showing up at alastair's for swimming purposes only to find his face full of glee and pleased... he asked me when he opened his door, had i gotten his message... i hadn't. he squeeled a bit and told me that he had made it to the final 50 for the orange unsigned competition! he had been living on wee pins and needles for the last several weeks, worrying if he was going to make it through or not... i knew he would. it seems as though that phone call from the orange people turned his switch to 'on' and he has really hit into a phase of wanting to get things done. as a result, we have kicked the work on his photo comic, 'johnee scisszazzz' into overdrive. i have now taken on the task of being his wee little PA, which means i will be generally helping his keep with deadlines and generally ensuring everything gets done. along with my PA duties, i have also decided to help ali with some of the costumes... one of which will be for the hero of the story who will, for a part of the story, be wearing a mask made of human skin, which i will be creating with pig skin. i am more excited than anything ever for this. i will be going and picking up the skin tuesday afternoon and will begin the curing process wednesday morning.
generally, i am really feeling quite fulfilled with this task. it gets me out of the house and lets me associate with a group of new people that seem to all be delightful.

mostly, that is everything. all my life is surrounded by work, husband and alastair at the moment.

i will be performing some baking tasks tomorrow, which will delight and mystify all. watch this space.

was i ever yours, were you ever mine?

firstly, meh.

i have been busy but not all at the same time the last week. work is still made of teh suck. it was nice because my boss (known from here on out as satankim) was out on holiday... as a result, everyone kept prancing in and chatting to me. i learned a lot about people, the biggest revelation being that i am not the only person who hates satankim. she rubs everyone the wrong way and everyone there thinks i should get out as fast as i can as working for the NHS is for the elderly and bitter. apparantly, i am a previous creature who should not let herself become tainted by the NHS and the horrors that inhabit it. so, as a result, i have been searching like a madwoman for a new job. no fruit has been born yet, but i am feeling confident.

i haven't been swimming in a few days as it seems that i have one of the most unreliable swimming buddies ever. we had a tiny bit of a falling out, actually... but only tiny. i am generally the most excited communicator ever in the world. i love to send emails and texts and IM's and the lot. especially lately, since i have been feeling so off, i have really been leaning on the support of people that will give me the time of day (ali, anna, eddie). ali has been ill for a few days and since he has been ill i have sent him a couple of texts and emails just letting him know that i am thinking about him and asking how he is. it seems though, that that was too much for him and now he is just not talking to me and has just generally been off.

it just feels like, especially with ali, that i have really been pushing myself to help him... making a lot of phone calls, helping him with his comic, tidying his house, spending time with him, swimming, giving him my old mobile so he has something to take photos with... it just seems like now he has gotten what he wanted, he is just dropping me. just cannae be bothered now he has leeched as much out of me that he can.

it really hurts, you know? i am really struggling now and i could REALLY use his support and just some hugs or ANYTHING... much like what i did for him, but he just won't. he is 'too sick' to hang out now. apparently not too sick to stay up until five in the morning posting photos of himself or anything, just too sick to have a friend who needs some TLC away from home around for a cup of tea.

it's nice to know that people are aware of what friendships are really for. i just need a friend, you know? just someone who isn't lame or unreliable. just someone who will actually do what they say and not take for granted the things that are being given to them.

relationship things are meh. we have a wondrous fight every night before bed, which is nice, because i hate sleeping anyways. he is just being overbearing and stressful to deal with and really pushing me away.

bleh. i gotta tidy. mr winn is going to be here soon.

will post more soon, i suspect.

no, i really did invent green... PLUS i heart things and things tuesday!

so... i am feeling mucho better today. i really needed a swim, i reckon. it really clears my head.
had an amazing swim today. we got in an immediately started doing laps. usually we fanny about loads and i kick him and then we mince around, doing laps here and there... today though, it was teh hardcore! i felt really up for it and my body just said 'goin2swimznowkthnkxbi!'

it was so lovely and i feel amazing as a result.

work is still made of fail. i joined the 'disability league' which is kinda like the 'justice league' but for people that are disabled in some way. they are taking advantage of me and the fact that my mind is fucked-up. the other people in the group are all 'physically challenged' in one way or another, and they felt that they could benefit from having someone with a mental disability in the group. i guess what they weren't expecting was the most odd case of crazy that they could get. i pranced into the room with my uber crew cut and tattoos and blew them all away with how bitchin' i am and how excited i am about working despite my 'illness.' they seemed to all enjoy complaining and saying that people harass them and that they should have more sick pay and i was all like, 'oh hai! i has an amazing work ethic and heart rising above my mental issues to prove that we are not all martyrs for our illnesses.' they were shocked and excited. we will see what happens now.

i guess that is really all i NEED to talk about at the moment. i am about to go watch a show about people who share their breastmilk with friends... hooray!

things i heart? a list!

• Molly Coddle Soap - i hold a special place in my heart for it and the fact that a parcel arrived at my door today full of food-shaped soaps!
• love songs! i have been in love with love songs the last couple of days... none in particular, just all of them.
• daren king - who is an incredible author and who's books graced my post box this morning.
• making people smile with small gestures.
• laughing
• walking in the rain
• cuddling into a warm duvet

eh... that is all for now. breastmilk time!!

the universe seems to like lying

The only person you really have to make happy, Danie, is you.

Good thing you're so cool -
The Universe
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

yeah, what a load of fucking bollocks that is. how cool can someone be if they don't know how to fix relationships or make someone happy?

i don't have any idea what i am doing now. no idea... i feel like some sort of horrible vessel that has been left alone at sea, bobbing and alone to fend for itself whilst the salt of the sea (my tears) destroy the strength that this vessel used to hold.

sound like a load of emo bollocks? yeah, it fucking is but i don't know how else to display it other than to spew emo bullshit. i feel like all the cliche things that emo people are made of... i want to just sit and cry and look at old photos and mostly just fall apart.

eh. the one fucking thing in my life i was hoping would remain consistent has fucked me off today. the one fucking day i really needed it. cheers for that sol! i appreciate what a support you have been in my time of need when i was so fricking rock-solid in yours.

what is the point?

15: who had the most positive influence on you?

most likely my sister again. i really felt that i could look up to her and anytime that i felt i needed some strength, i would go see her. she had an incredible air of all-knowing intelligence that i thought was amazing.

14: what was your most memerable toy?

from what i can recall... the toy that sticks out most in my memory is a talking doll... i remember this mostly because as soon as i opened her, my mum's friend jo shouted out, 'she had better have sme good batteries in her, that little girl sure can talk!'

it was a true story as well, mostly because that doll's batteries died within a month.

13: who did you think was the smartest person in the world?

as a child i was all about thinking my sister carmen was all-knowing and able to do anything ever. she was incredibly and i was aware from a young age that she had been through a great deal and had come through the other end with a beautiful baby and life.

you're beautiful... shame about your face. other things too.

i have been full of a lot of horror and bummed-ness the last couple of evenings... despite an amazing series of days which involve work and swimming and generally getting my fucking life in order. ali and i have been really working on making ourselves better people. it has been really refreshing to get a new look on life and things and have someone from outside of my house to talk to.
he has really offered me a lot of support and light and general 'weeeeeeee!' over the last week, which is what i have needed. he and i have been planning a lot of things regarding his work and i have been taking on some artsy crafts for one of his graphic novels, which will be incredible. it has just been nice to have something in my life that is almost exclusively beautiful.

but you know, it doesn't matter how beautiful and splendid my life is, it seems that i just HAVE to have something to shit on it. unfortunately, that something is husband. he is making me want to die at the moment and i fear that this show may be ending its final act. he and i just don't get on anymore. we just fight and he just hates me all the time for everything i do.

i just cannae deal with that. i am really on a mission to destroy all bits of ugly in my life. i really want everything that might resemble negative, horrible filth to just leave me alone. as a result, i have been helping those things out. just getting rid of them. i just don't have it in me to deal with any of it anymore. i hate how unhappy and miserable i have turned out since living in england. i need to fix it and i don't think i will be able to do that whilst here with husband.

jane and theo have been here the last couple of days and despite the high hopes i had for their visit and the positives it would bring... i have just been feeling worse. chris has been treating me really badly and generally taking the pee out of me in front of them, not really regarding anything but his own delight and feelings.

i don't need it. it really hit me last night that i think this is it. i think that once they go we will have a bit of time apart (and by 'apart' i mean, separate rooms) to just sort out our heads... time i will use to start some new medicine, work more on my crochetting project and work out more with ali. i just feel like, at the moment, there is no point in bothering with our relationship. if it works out because of our love for one another then it does, if not... then it was not meant to last. i do not feel like i have control over it anymore. it all just hurts too much.

i feel like an empty shell at the moment. everything i am doing and saying and thinking is just a big mechanical part of a day that i have no control over. i feel irrational, miserable and listless.

i don't really know what to say.

i heart things and things tuesday!! hooray!

well, i think today i will just start and see where i go. i am feeling quite queer in the belly and not completely sure of what is up or down, so... well... we shall see..

• Mr Powers... there are so many creatures in my life that i love more than other things, but this is the one creature that, no matter what bad decisions he makes, i just want to always make happy. everything about him is incredibly beautiful. a lot like me, he goes through a great deal of peaks and troughs when it comes to his depression and general existence, but that never ever stops him from creating amazing music and other miscellaneous art. oftentimes, i know that i can trust him to just lead a life of splendid, but every so often he flies off the rails and i immediately fall into mum mode and feel the desperate need to sweep in and fix things for him. he showed up at a gig this weekend and was a complete train wreck. i just wanted to cuddle him and make him tell me who was upsetting him so i could make it all better, but that was not the time or the place. so i called him after the gig... after someone accused him of stealing things and hit him in the face. i called him and told him that i was going to make it better. i was going to come to his house the next day after work and just spend time with him. when he and i are alone we have some of the most amazing talks ever. we have a huge amount in common because of our depression, so i went over last night and just sat with him. i made cups of tea and did his washing up and made him sing to me. and he obliged. he sang all of my favourite songs, even though he hates singing some of them. ali is just incredible on so many levels and all i want to do is make sure he is constantly happy. we hugged a lot last night. he cried, i wanted to. i just... fuck's sake. he just needs to be happy. so i am helping him fix his CV and find a job. that is what he needs. i heart mr powers more than most other creatures...
• naked singers... at the above-mentioned gig there were a couple of guys who got on stage... not just random guys, mind, they were actually a booked act for the gig. well, they got on, sang a song and i was not hugely excited about them... i was wanting to figure out alastair and all his big time troubles... until hannah pointed out that they had completely stripped all their clothes off. it was then that i tuned in and realised that they were INCREDIBLY hysterical! literally, i almost died. the nudist on the right decided to have a wee on 'guy-sitting-down-with-flat-cap-on' then had a sausage thrown at him that he put up his bum. it wasn't just their juvenile antics that delighted me though, they were really talented. the lead singer had a fabulous voice and their lyrics were totally amazing. as a lyric hussy, it is necessary for any band that i appreciate to be able to weave a beautiful web of words. they did this with flying colours!
• when i see what i will be like as a mum... as soon as i had first seen her, i thought, 'man, she looks bitchin' i hope i am like that when i am a mum.' and she REALLY was. she ended up being the mum of the boy who likes to wee on people's heads and was just amazing. she danced and pranced around and talked to everyone and was just overall an astoundingly beautiful lady. by the end of the night she was outrageously drunk and got on stage for the running around 'mosh' fest that was occurring between all the youngsters at the gig. the best bit ever... and i will never forget this for the rest of my life, happened JUST after i took this photo, when she decided to display just how much she was like her son and pulled her trousers and pants off to show us all her minge. it was literally the funniest thing i have ever seen in my life. it really did make me realise what a loose cannon i am going to be as a mum. before we left i was compelled to run over to her (fully clothed) and give her a cuddle and tell her i thought she was amazing.

• my desk at work!! i am slowly making it my own and it is all really much easier when i have a big fat bay window right behind me... i heart my desk and the fact that the photos are slowly building up. (along with my squishy tomato and wee zen garden husband bought me)

other things i heart?
my ipod, my camera, the goldfishes, nintendogs, my lists, husband, husband kisses, maple syrup and pancakes, crochetting, toothpaste that DOESN'T taste like death covered in baking soda, getting parcels from my sister (especially when i see her handwriting on the box), dressing up, my hair, chevy, the fact that jane and theo are coming to visit soon!!, excel spreadsheets, reading mental health files i am not really meant to, hollyoaks, lee, potterton...

chevy chase and cupcakes make my heart go wheeee!!

it is like, when i see him, i just get a surge of love and excitement that makes my insides want to explode out of me in a hailstorm of glitter.

he is just the most special boy ever. chris complains because most of the people who come to visit have a huge allergic reaction and need to leave because of his fur. i say, 'if you can't handle the heat, stay out the the flipping kitchen!' he is MY baby bun and nobody takes precedence over him.

i just wanted you all to know how beautiful and special he is... so have a look.

i heartz himz!







also, i made cupcakes for the first time in my life today... be jealous!

i heart things and things tuesday!

oh my oh my! not SUCH a huge week worth of hearting things, but i have a few for you...

• I WORK IN AN ASYLUM!! yeah! i do and you don't! i started my new job yesterday at the local asylum and it is just literally the most perfect place ever. it is like, when you see an asylum in the movies with the long, dark corridors and vast grounds for the patients to walk around in, that is where i work!! i had my interview just when i got back from america in april and finally got to start and it is just lovely. i work with all the best people in the world and get to spend my days in an office with a giant bay window and a wrap-around desk all to myself. it is incredibly sad though, because they are tearing all the old buildings down to pave the way for some newer, more 'user friendly' wards and offices... which generally translates to the fact that they are taking away all my foliage friends and creating a more impersonal and frightening place for all the patients to have to live. it is sad firstly because some of the patients have lived there for like, twenty years and they are having their homes ripped down to be replaced by some giant grey buildings. secondly, the old buildings are just so beautiful. i will take some photos so you can see how amazing it is, but mygod. it is just like being in 'girl, interrupted' or 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest' when i am at work.
• Rik Mayall. i literally cannot get enough of him at the moment. i am reading his book currently and it is just the funniest thing i have ever read in my entire life. i have been reading a lot about him lately and watching a few of his films and i just cannot imagine a better person to just sit and hang out with. he is so hysterical.
• the dark night OMG!!! i went and saw it last night and OMG OMG OMG!!! like, christian bale was the biggest disappointment ever in the world, as i could not understand a single word his put-on voice was saying, but for fuck's sake heath was ALMOST as good as jack nicholson. the entire film just made me squeal with gleee and if you are not keen on spoilers, do not highlight the following writing! for god's sake how hysterical was it when denton's face lit on fire? literally, one of the only bits where i burst out laughing (which i seem to love to do when it comes to films and laughing inappropriately. it also seemed that the film tried to just have far too many twists and OMG how horrible was the 'love interest' in the film? i am quite delighted she died. just too much went on and how long did the film last?! like three hundred years?! i really suggest you go see it if you want to have a brilliant night out at the cinema. it is totally worth it!

i am sure there are misc, but i just cannae be bothered to type them out. it is time for hollyoaks!!

you + me = perfect

What's his name? christopher john butcher

How long did you date? um... well, we met seven years ago, started talking on the phone five years ago and i am going to say that that is most likely when we started 'dating' as it were. and by dating, i mean 5 hour long phone-dates where we ate dinner together and talked about life and junk.

How old is he? twenty-five.

Who eats more? most definitely him. he tends to eat all of his and then anything i don't finish.

Who said "I love you" first? him. he was drunk and said... 'if i was there, i would hold you and tell you how i can't live without you and how much i love you.' just to be sure i lured him into another trap the following night, as you can never be sure of what a drunk boy says.

Who is taller? please see above.

Who sings better? i am going to have to say me... mostly because i CAN sing quite well and have had training. he likes to fluctuate a lot, which makes my ears want to fall off.

Who is smarter? he is actually the smartest person in the world. he knows everything there is to know about everything.

Who does the laundry? we both do, but i like for me to do it because i use the perfect balance of detergent and fabric softener.

Who does the dishes? me. we made an agreement that i would always do kitchen-related tidying if he did all pig-related things.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? moi.

Who pays the bills? we usually share them as equally as possible.

Who mows the lawn? me.

Who cooks dinner? usually him, but i am trying.

Who drives when you are together? last night hannah did, sometimes lester, usually some sort of a pakistani.

Who is more stubborn? most definitely me, yo.

Who kissed who first? him. the day we met we went back to his sister's to deposit my bags and then went for a walk to the pub. on the walk he stopped me and asked me if it would be alright if he kissed me.

Who asked whom out first? we never really did the conventional 'asking out' thing. we just did it.

Who proposed? again, we never actually did the conventional proposal thing. we both decided it would be the best and easiest thing to do when we did as we knew we were going to get married anyways.

Who is more sensitive? oh my lord jesus i am.

Who has more friends? we both really have the same friends. i guess i could go so far as to say i have a few more, as i have worked several jobs that have given me more opportunities, but otherwise, we are equal.

Who has more siblings? me.

Who wears the pants in the family? he likes to think he does and i guess in some ways, he does... but i like to think that we both do.

12: was there anything unusual about your birth?

well, i was hugely fat for being two weeks early.

also, despite both of my sisters taking over 24 hours to pop out, i only took four. which, i can suspect can only be attributed to the fact that i was the third child to come out of my mum's vagina.

11: do you have any siblings?

indeed! i have two sisters... they are quite lovely. i never really know what to call them. as a child i always just called them my sisters but now, given our family history, i am often forced to call them 'half sisters' as we only share the DNA of our mum. we look a dramatic amount alike (or so people say) and get along reasonably well, despite many problems in the past.

i get along mostly with my eldest sister, LaDonna, who is just an incredibly fabulous creature who really does have a huge amount in common with me. she is just hysterical and really down to earth.

i loves her big time.

i also have two brothers-in-law due to marriages to my sisters and a sister-in-law through husband.

10: what were your first words and who told you what they were?

i am going to guess that my mum told me what my first words were and that she told me they were 'mum.'

9: what's your saddest memory?

as a child or overall? i guess if we are talking about my saddest memory from childhood that causes me a pain in my belly from thinking about it, it would be when i had to go to the vet with one of our ill dogs. he was old and had run away and gotten hit by a car so he had a fucked up spine and his prostate was swollen, causing him extreme pain.

he was my mum's favourite and because she was disabled, she could not come with us. when we got there the vet said that he would have to be put down. he was suffering quite a great deal. i spoke to mum and she agreed. i couldn't be in the room when it happened, so i waited out in reception. i still heard him yelp just before he died though and it was one of the most horrible sounds in the world.

i will never forget the look on my mum's face when i came home with just puppy's blanket in my hands. it totally broke her heart.

i heart things and things NOT tuesday

you know, every so often i get excited about a giant amount of things before the week is out and i just cannae hold it in or i will forget all of it and then the list on tuesday runs the chance of being barren.

so as a result, on the occasion that my delight cannae be controlled, i am now implementing 'i heart things and things NOT tuesday!' hooray!

on to hearting!

• Japanese Restaurants... on our last night in brighton, husband and i had a wee date at a tiny japanese restaurant and MYGOD it was the best ever. like, usually, when you go into a chinese restaurant the waitresses are large and moody. they make it seem like you are inconveniencing them in some way because you would like to ingest food. well, at this restaurant (which, for some reason i cannae find the name of) the waitresses were all the tiniest japanese women you have ever seen in your life and they just pranced around and smiled the most precious smiles ever. it was like all the cutest little japanese schoolgirl stereotypes all rolled into one when you saw them. so friendly and oh so precious. and the meal... OMG the meal! it was like, the best thing ever. it was a prawn den ricebowl with like, the best white excitement ever tossed all over the top. the rice was perfect and the honey ribs and prawn tempura was to die for. i was mostly the most pleased ever. no, really. it was just amazing.
• the sea. i have now grown to realise that if i do not live by the sea at least once in my life i will have not lived to the fullest of my capacity. being from midwestern america, i was never privy to the joys of excess humidity and the saltiest water in the world, but i took advantage of the sea whilst i was there much like a randy college boy would were he to see a drunken, passed-out paris hilton laying on his couch. i wept upon first glance of it. we drove by it on the minibus and i just welled up (which is nothing THAT exciting, as i seem to be weeping at every single thing, ever at the moment). upon arrival at our hotel, we settled in, unpacked and departed for a prance around a city that held no familiarity with us. we were with two other people and i could barely contain myself from just running away from them and flying into the sea fully-clothed. instead, though... i contained myself long enough to allow us to get some cupcakes and cider for an afternoon of amazing delight. the cupcakes were perfect, the cider was icy and the sea was producing all the best sounds in the world. we met up with gem and mel after their meal and returned to our posts at the seafront with more cider and fish and chips for some pre-wedding chats and generally to enable us to breathe in as much of the most beautiful air in the world. due to the amount of booze cat and i had drunk, we decided to go paddling in the sea only to decide that our calves getting wet was not nearly enough, so we moved in further so our thighs were participating... soon, though... that was not enough. we needed to become a part of the sea and we sat in and the sea just hugged us like i have never been hugged in my life. it covered us and it was the warmest and loveliest experience ever.
  i honestly cannot recommend the sea any more than OMG you NEEDZ to go NOW!! it is the best thing ever. OMG!
• orangina. never before have i drunk orangina, but i have decided that after i saw the following advert on telly that i have no choice but to drink it almost constantly... please watch and enjoy...

• swapping things... again!! so, i have received another swap and i just cannot stress how much fun it is! this time i have swapped with a girl in florida and she has sent me the largest box of delights ever. as you can see from the photo there are oreo cakesters, chef boyardee ravioli pots, almond joys, maple syrup and grape delight! i have almost never been happier in my life. it is just the best thing ever to get parcels and to open them and just... well... it's just like christmas. i cannot explain how amazing it is. i will be sending her stuff off tomorrow and it is just as much fun from my end. you get to imagine what this person that you do not know would enjoy. i just love to be able to share all the delights that are in england with other people who are NOT here. it is so fun!

• honourable mentions... american treats aplenty, coke, my goldfish, cupcakes, popping spots, when i overhear classic conversations (an example is when we were walking down the street in brighton and we overheard a lady arguing with a shopkeeper and she decided it would be fair to say the following... 'fuck off back into your shop and suck your mutha's cunt!' yeah... classic, indeed), maple syrup, rik mayall, cheesecake, chevy, alan carr...

big gay weddings and a small amount of disappointment.

a list of things that i did for gem and mel for the wedding?

• made the bouquet of wonder and flowers for bridesmaids to wear.
• cared for their dog in a hotel across the city because theirs apparently does not like dogs (and as a result, was kept up all night the first night due to his incessant groin chewing and leg licking).
• planned the hen night of delight.
• gave up my house and my husband's cooking skills for the hen night so all the ladies had a place to convene, eat a big fat curry, make themselves pretty and suitably inebriated.
• planned and organised the wedding cake of glory to be as they did not have a wedding cake and it is just NOT RIGHT for someone to not have cake on their wedding day!
• went to numerous dress fittings and took photos to help the beautiful gem be sure that the dress was absolutely perfect.
• left work early several times to meet up to discuss wedding-related things.
• made countless phone calls to make sure everything was just right. (this included people bringing things for the hen night, wedding and for the BBC to send flowers to their room on their wedding day)
• spent more money than i ever should have for food and decorations.
• was the only reason that gem had bridesmaids, as she did not even think to have any until i mentioned it.
• was NOT asked to be an official witness to their wedding.

should i be pissy about it? no, most likely not, but it still feels like a bit of a slap in the face because i REALLY put a lot into this. this wedding stressed me out more than my own wedding did and at the end, when the officiator came out to prepare the witnesses for the ceremony, he called sarah up instead of me.
i am not saying i regret doing the things i did for them, and perhaps it is a wee bit petty for me to be upset about it but it just feels like perhaps that would have been the ultimate thank you for someone who threw their entire life out of whack to make sure your wedding and hen night was as perfect as physically possible. am i just being stupid? when i say it out loud i feel like i am just being a big fat stupid face but mygod, i am only human.

**************************************************************************

anyways, all that aside, the wedding and the entire holiday was flipping brilliant. in fact, if i do say so myself, the entire week has been perfect.

it all started last friday when i left work in a big fat hurry to ensure i was home in time to get all the shopping done for the hen night. i tidied like i never have in my life, got all the decorations i could ever need and made all the final phone calls.

saturday was a day of OMG TEH STRESS!! husband was still in a whirlwind of unsure-ed-ness about whether or not he wanted to even come home and help cook. i was running around tidying and answering the almost-constant phone calls from the BBC, trying to figure out when they were arriving. when they finally arrived, it all calmed. i was able to just sit and relax. they helped decorate and we discussed the differences between drinking here in england and america. the crew were amazing. i really enjoyed talking to them.

once everyone arrived i was able to really just chill out. i LOVE playing the hostess and i can say that there is no more satisfaction than pouring your first drink for a guest of the night and watching everyone sit in the garden eating a meal lovingly prepared by your husband...

it went a little like this...

we ate and pranced... once we were finished and we have performed a suitable amount of talking, we then proceeded to take a group photo and run away to another pub of which i am not such a huge fan. it turned out amazing though because SO MANY splendid people turned up.
we were obviously followed by the three from the filming crew for the entire night, but it was so totally fun. cherry, who is in the red top to the right there. she was just like, the funnest person ever. her and i had many a lovely talk that night.

the film crew made a quick stop over to the stag's night just so they could see how much less they are enjoying themselves and we moved on to another pub which sucked balls.


upon arriving, the landlord was incredibly inebriated and therefore the most awkward person on the planet. he decided he would short change husband a pound and when husband mentioned it the guy said that he could make something of it and if he did, he would bar him from the pub. yeah. apparently, he rolls like that. after that incident we decided to finish our drinks off and run away to the next pub where we were to meet the stags.


OMG was this place glorious. i hadn't been there in over a year and since then it had been turned into a gaybar which i had been a bit leery about because it was like, the most heterosexual bar ever in the world before. WELL! let me just say, it was the most fabulous place ever on the planet. and i shall show you!



and OMG the wedding was incredible. i really had a brilliant time in brighton. it was my first time REALLY seeing the sea and i couldn't have imagined it to have been any better.

i am just going to post loads of photos now, as i am completely exhausted.












overall, it was just splendid because i was at at the sea and husband was there and i got to share a really special event with some very close friends. i really, really loved these last few days. they were something i will remember forever. hooray!

dear hairs... AGAIN!

don't say i didn't warn you. i tried to tell you that your last chance was looming and you wouldn't believe me. you still caused me trouble, embarassed me in front of my friends.

i couldn't take it anymore. it's over.

dear hairs...

please understand that i do not hate you for being impossible with me. i completely understand that i have treated you quite badly in the past and can see why you would just not want to have to go along with one of my antics again. i know i have asked a lot of you in the past and i appreciate if you do not want to listen to me ever again, but i could really use your help.

last night you and i tried to have a date. not ever in the history of our relationship has a hair date gone so badly between us. i didn't brush you correctly and you wouldn't dry or hold any sort of pose long enough for me to photograph it. you know i think you are beautiful and you still insist on hiding that special beauty you have behind a mask of flat and dull horror after letting me see a small sneak peek of what you have to offer.

i don't know how much longer this is going to be able to work out hairs. it just seems like things are going downhill with us. i try to make you happy, i do. i have an entire cupboard full of bottles and pots of things i thought you would be pleased with but you still just hate me. what can i DO!?

please, just this one time, know that your help would be amazing. this will be the last thing i ever ask of you and then we can go our seperate ways. i just want to look splendid at the wedding. can you please help me do that?

yours truly,

'the head'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i just cannae believe how impossible hairs can be sometimes. in an effort to make myself the most beautiful creature for the wedding i attempted pincurls last night. i felt wildly confident in the beginning. i got them all twirly and set and put a little rag on my head to help in drying and generally looked sassy.

i left the hairs to their own devices for like, two hours and ran around the house, did washing up, pranced to the shop, snuggled the rabbit, ate dinner, watched hollyoaks and a bit of aladdin.

now, here's the thing. because i have the shortest hairs in the world AND because they are ever so thin now, i had thought that they would SURELY dry within two hours. i mean, the girl in the tutorial i had read said her hairs dried in two hours and she had the longest hair in the world ever. so, i take the first one out and am so pleased with the springyness that it has to offer that i take a seat to delve further into agraba whilst removing the remaining hair pins of doom.

well, it seems that that first one was the ONLY one who decided to dry. to make things worse, i did this trial run so late in the evening that i did not have time to make my hairs right again before bed, so i have had to attend work this morning with a bit of a frantic mop.

my hair is larger than it ever has been and i am not impressed. as i only put pincurls in the front of my head, it is huge in the front and flat as a wee english pancake in the back.

oh hairs, how i loathe the!